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Original poster

5 yr olds giving kisses

28 replies

Essexmate · 23/11/2021 17:52

I’m not sure how I should feel about this and need some help with my thoughts!

DD & friend (both 5) saying bye at school, the boy gave DD a hug, then said kiss and gave her a kiss. I don’t think DD knew how to react in the moment but when we walked away she said ‘awww’. When we were alone I explained to her that if someone tries to hug or kiss her against her will she should say “don’t (action) me please”.

Like I said I’m not sure how I should feel. Part of me doesn’t like me but the other half is thinking they are only 5.

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ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 23/11/2021 17:54

Was her "awww" negative or positive? Asides reinforcing consent, not sure there's much you can do.

Magistera · 23/11/2021 17:58

I wouldn’t be happy about this. If it’s acceptable now when does it become unacceptable? 8? 13? 16? I think a line needs to be drawn from the beginning, it’s unacceptable for pupils to kiss others. The school needs to be informed and should be telling kids this is not ok.

DockOTheBay · 23/11/2021 18:00

My daughter hugs her best friend all the time. Sometimes she instigates it, sometimes the friend does, sometimes one or the other isn't keen so they say "no thanks" and the hug stops. I don't see what the big deal is? And wouldn't the school just laugh if you "reported" to them that two 5 year olds hugged each other.

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Piggyk2 · 23/11/2021 18:00

The hug is harmless I think. The kiss would be a no no for me. I am not sure what you could of done in the moment though OP. Tricky one.

Original poster
Essexmate · 23/11/2021 18:04

It was a positive ‘aww’. I feel the hug was harmless to, it’s just the kiss. I dunno if I’m making it into more than what it is iyswim

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IHateCoronavirus · 23/11/2021 18:05

I’m torn. At five kids are innocent little things.
Kisses are generally shared between parents and siblings.
If she was happy with it I’d let it slide. If she missed a beat, I might casually say she doesn’t need to kiss people if she doesn’t want to, but I wouldn’t make a big thing out of it.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 23/11/2021 18:06

keep teaching her to say no to whatever she wants to say no to. there are books that can help with this... just integrate it into everyday reading time ...

claymodels · 23/11/2021 18:07

When we were alone I explained to her that if someone tries to hug or kiss her against her will she should say “don’t (action) me please”.

It wasn't against her will though. They are 5 year olds and I think you have massively over reacted.

Dollywilde · 23/11/2021 18:09

I think teaching her that saying ‘no thanks’ is the easiest and least confrontational way to do it. It doesn’t need to be an explicit ‘please don’t kiss me’, but ‘no thanks’ to anything she doesn’t like should cover it.

Obviously I’m sure you’ve got it covered but then it needs to be reinforced at home - no insisting she kiss granny or even you if she doesn’t want to.

Magistera · 23/11/2021 18:10

It wasn't against her will though
A 5yo isn’t old enough to consent. Nor to understand the lifelong health implications of catching herpes. I strongly feel the school should discourage kissing.

titchy · 23/11/2021 18:11

@claymodels

When we were alone I explained to her that if someone tries to hug or kiss her against her will she should say “don’t (action) me please”.

It wasn't against her will though. They are 5 year olds and I think you have massively over reacted.

This. It's quite sweet and you've made it somehow creepy. They're 5.Hmm
titchy · 23/11/2021 18:13

@Magistera

It wasn't against her will though A 5yo isn’t old enough to consent. Nor to understand the lifelong health implications of catching herpes. I strongly feel the school should discourage kissing.
She's not technically old enough to consent to anything - do you require her to check with you before a little friend hugs her, or holds her hand? Perhaps you've asked her teacher to phone you for consent to give her a quick cuddle if she's fallen over?
VaguelyInteresting · 23/11/2021 18:17

At that age? And she’s fine with it?

A casual “DD that looked like a sweet moment with your friend. I just want to check- if you aren’t happy with someone hugging or kissing you, you know you can say no, right?.”

I would (and do) use the same sort of “check in” with my kid about all sorts of stuff - rough play, hugging relatives,

That’s it. You really really don’t need to overthink this. As for the poster up thread worried about herpes.... honestly. Get a grip.

Angeldelight21 · 23/11/2021 18:21

What kind of kiss was it? On cheeks or lips?

Tenfifteen · 23/11/2021 18:22

Sorry I do think you’ve over reacted. They are small children being affectionate to each other.

And as for the reference to herpes virus?! Goodness me the thread has degenerated quickly.

claymodels · 23/11/2021 18:24

@Magistera

It wasn't against her will though A 5yo isn’t old enough to consent. Nor to understand the lifelong health implications of catching herpes. I strongly feel the school should discourage kissing.
Sad
Original poster
Essexmate · 23/11/2021 18:36

I wasn’t sure if she was against it though. She is quite shy and just stood there so it was difficult to tell. As her mum I have to try and gauge her feelings when she doesn’t tell me.

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titchy · 23/11/2021 18:38

@Essexmate

I wasn’t sure if she was against it though. She is quite shy and just stood there so it was difficult to tell. As her mum I have to try and gauge her feelings when she doesn’t tell me.
You said it was a positive 'awwww'....
Original poster
Essexmate · 23/11/2021 18:41

Yeah she did but because she is shy she tends to be happy with whatever interaction she gets from her peers. Even if they were pulling her glasses off for example

OP posts:
JunoMcDuff · 23/11/2021 18:42

I think explaining consent is really important, as both giver and receiver of hugs and kisses. My DS loves hugs, adores them and thinks everyone else does too. I teach him to ask first, same with kisses. He's getting better (he's 6) but it's a work in progress!

I think reinforcing consent is a great thing.

Original poster
Essexmate · 23/11/2021 18:42

I appreciate and take the points on board though. If I overdid it, I overdid it

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Extragherkinsplease · 23/11/2021 18:43

@Magistera

She’s definitely old enough to consent - even if you don’t call it consent a 5 year old knows what they want and don’t want.

If she didn’t want to hug or kiss she wouldn’t.
If you have kids you’ll be well aware that if you ask them to do something and they don’t want to - you’ll know about it.

Also the OP said nothing about the school encouraging or allowing this. This was after school. Maybe the daughter watches her mum kiss her friends on the cheek and she might even be asked to kiss family to say hello/ goodbye.

There are so many things that could have influenced this situation but to suggest that she can’t consent just seems a bit crazy to me!

claymodels · 23/11/2021 18:44

@Essexmate

I wasn’t sure if she was against it though. She is quite shy and just stood there so it was difficult to tell. As her mum I have to try and gauge her feelings when she doesn’t tell me.

Did you not ask Hmm

JunoMcDuff · 23/11/2021 18:45

Extragherkinsplease

Me as well! 5yo is old enough to consent to a hug (or not). Consent to having their handheld, putting on a coat or jumper. Consent isn't just about sexual contact, or health stuff.

Original poster
Essexmate · 23/11/2021 18:52

@claymodels I didn’t. She is very difficult to get information out of. It’s something we are working on with the schools help (she has additional needs) so I thought it was better to tell her what she could do next time if she doesn’t want to

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