My friend's son

[serenaskies]

My friend I have sons of the same age (hers a a couple of months older). I feel she wraps him up in cotton wool to the point he's very soft. Everything makes him cry, even seeing rain outside! He's turning into a bit of a snowflake and my son is asking me to stop inviting them over to our house for playdates. I'm bringing my son up to be used to play in all weather (just ensuring he's dressed appropriately, like wearing wellies and hats when needed). But friend won't let her son play in the rain, in the cold, in the snow, when there's any frost and so on.
The boy is quiet, withdrawn and just looks vacant most of the time. I know he has asthma (but so do a lot of kids these days, it's not particularly unusual). She uses that as a reason to be so withdrawn from life and playing with friends. "Oh..he can't go out in the rain, it will aggravate his asthma..". He's a very sickly child and I think so much of could be avoided if she just allowed him to be exposed to things to build his immunity.
My son moans about this boy coming over because son just ends up playing alone everytime as the other boys isn't allowed to do anything. Just sits on my sofa quiet and withdrawn. Every single time. It's getting a bit much for me too. Kids should be kids not snowflakes.

It's so amazing you can be this boy's doctor as well as his mum's friend! Clearly you know so much about him and know what he needs and what's wrong with him.

Keep yourself and your kids far away from him

So, its clear the boys don't get on so its time to stop the playdates. Just explain to the mother that the boys seem to have grown apart a little so maybe cool it for a bit.

I do however get a little bit of what you are saying, one of our friends panders to their child so much, its annoying and spoils the mood, it best they dont come anymore. This child can't share, cries at everything that doesn't go their way and mum sit begging them to use basic manners or do anything really ,its exhausting to witness.

OP, its best if you just keep it to adult meet ups, if you were friends outside of the kids friendship that is.

@serenaskies

I'm sorry if my post comes across negative. Just for clarity, the little boy last had an asthma attack 3 years ago. Nothing since and manages with an inhaler. He takes the inhaler to school and to his swimming lessons just in case. It all seems well managed. The thing I was trying to get across in my post is that his mum appears to be sheltering him from life itself and brings up asthma whenever giving reasons why he can't take part in something: Could be anything from birthday parties, barbecues, playing outside, football (he wanted to join same football group as his 8 year old brother).

If he hasn't had an attack in 3 years it's likely because of all the measures she takes, when you have a kid with asthma you avoid all the things you know will trigger it.

If he hasn't had an attack in 3 years it's likely because of all the measures she takes, when you have a kid with asthma you avoid all the things you know will trigger it.

This.

Anyone who uses the term ‘snowflake’ is not worth being friends with in my book. You’d be doing her a favour.

I stopped reading at snowflake. You're not this woman's friend.

Perhaps the mother does have health anxiety. The child seems to be missing out on a lot. It’s not an unreasonable thing to wonder but there’s probably not much you can do about it.

It all seems well managed.
So there’s your answer.

You could use this as a lesson, teach your DC that not everyone can do everything they want to do so a little kindness and understanding can go a long way.
Or you end the friendship and do her a favour.

You’re clearly a better parent and your child has a much better life. Is that what you want to hear, OP? There you go.

I think you should end your friendship with her, for everyone’s sake. Mainly hers.

Perhaps asthma isn't the whole story and she's just using that as a convenient excuse?
I had a highly sensitive child - would cry at everything - fabric labels, cold, heat, dirt, smells. We tried to get him to try / do things, but even if he claimed he wanted to do them (football?) it was often only a matter of minutes before there were tears and a meltdown. I know some of my 'friends' thought I mollycoddled him, but in reality I was in a constant state of awareness trying to head off the next meltdown. The answer wasn't to keep throwing him in at the deep end and hoping he'd grow out of it, it was a case of picking my battles and trying to do the things that HAD to be done. He was later diagnosed as neurodiverse with sensory processing issues. Today as an older teen he still has certain triggers, but mostly manages these appropriately.
His older brother is completely NT and I we parented him differently, in line with his needs.

As others have said, you don't sound much of a friend, so best to step away from this relationship.

I think that you have to accept,that some Mothers are like this. Years ago myself and two other women started up a Mother and baby,and toddler club in our village hall.. We had an array of toys and books etc, and someone in the village, had donated two very large lovely rugs to put down for the children to sit and play on further up the room, and Two mums, would always go and sit with the children on the rugs, to keep check on them...

There were about four Mothers who came along, who would not let the children sit on the rugs, saying that they didn't want there children sitting on strange rugs, or even playing with the toys we had provided,, mostly siting germs as the reason.. We had provided brand new cups and beakers, for the childrens drinks etc but these germophobic Mums would not let their children use them.

We used to have at least 20 women turn up for our club, who were all really happy that we had started the club in the village, as somewhere to come and chat, have tea and cakes etc.We sometimes had someone in to visit, to do a little demonstration, of something or other. while mainly all the little children,played happily on the rugs,.. except the ones who had to sit on their Mothers knees for the duration, as not allowed to go anywhere to play normally with the other children., as I said, too many germs around for their liking.

Pretty weird and a bit pathetic to call anyone a 'snowflake', but particularly a small child.

I'd be quite glad to phase you out if I was your 'friend'!

OP, I get where you are coming from. It can be really hard if your child and another don't want to do the same things, and if your child is the more robust one (I have one of these). Personally I wouldn't want to curb my child's energy and enthusiasm for life either. Could you see the mum socially in the evening without the children? I have a very long standing friend whom I met when our children were toddlers. They grew apart years ago but I value her friendship so we see each other without them.

You lost me at snowflake.

Horrid thing to say.
His mother may well be extra protective, mother's often are when they have seen their child go through a medical emergency knowing the cause isn't cured but only managed and can happen again.

I find this hard to believe because most kids these days are clammering to be indoors playing on screens, and most over protective parents are desperate for their children to be outside doing wholesome play like in the 1950s.

You sound incredibly judgemental and rude. Imagine sinking so low as to calla child a snowflake. ID never be friends with someone like you. Disgraceful

Your kids don't get on , stop the play dates- then you don't have to agonise over your friends parenting . Win win

I’d think you should stop inviting them over regardless of whether your friend is overprotective or not.

You sound really judgmental and she deserves a friend who doesn’t talk about her and her child with so much disdain.

Weird responses. (Apart from the ones criticising you for calling the kid a snowflake - what were you thinking?)

I feel for the kid. Clearly he has no life. He can't join in things with his peers, and she's clearly way over-protective (and I speak as someone with a ton of experience of familial asthma)

A full blown asthma attack is terrifying. But what I also find terrifying as a parent, is child mental health issues. And isolating him from his friends and activities, and making him anxious about his health, is just as much a risk to him (in my opinion anyway) as his asthma might be.

Everything makes him cry, even seeing rain outside!

The boy is quiet, withdrawn and just looks vacant most of the time.

Just sits on my sofa quiet and withdrawn

Seriously everyone, would you really not worry about your friend's kid if they acted like this? I would.

Let's not get entirely distracted by the OP's offensive use of 'snowflake'. It genuinely does seem like this poor kid is unhappy and scared to join in anything.

Of course people would @saraclara
Let's just jump on the snow flake bandwagon.
I get it op. It's fine. And it doesn't sound right. It's not ok to make your child fear everything nor coddle them to the point their only happy/ safe space is two foot in front of them.
And before anyone moans....
My beloved partner has asthma and copd (he is a pe teacher and I let him out in his thermals)
So I get it get it :)

@saraclara

Everything makes him cry, even seeing rain outside!

The boy is quiet, withdrawn and just looks vacant most of the time.

Just sits on my sofa quiet and withdrawn

Seriously everyone, would you really not worry about your friend's kid if they acted like this? I would.

Let's not get entirely distracted by the OP's offensive use of 'snowflake'. It genuinely does seem like this poor kid is unhappy and scared to join in anything.

There's a difference between thinking the poor kid has it tough, and blaming the mother for that. I doubt OP knows the full extent of his illness and how careful his carers need to be, and she may not know of other issues (sensory?).

If OP had posted in a supportive tone rather than with a dose of good old fashioned Blame The Mother she would've gotten very different replies.

You've called the young child soft, a snowflake and vacant. That's not just being negative. It's being incredibly judgemental and critical of a child and of their parent - someone who is supposedly your friend.

The child has a health issue. You say it is well managed. Maybe that's due to the medication and the fact that his mum knows his limits and has things in place to prevent his health worsening. You are presumably not a doctor and don't know this boys medical history.

I think you'd be better of moving away from the boys' friendship. They clearly have nothing in common. See your friend separately, without the children - and stop judging her parenting. That's not what a friend does. If you can't do that then move away from your own friendship - your judgemental attitude does not make you a nice person to be friends with.

You sound dim and judgemental as fuck. Leave the poor kid alone and focus on your own parenting.