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Original poster

Step siblings and boundaries

30 replies

Hdksla133 · 21/11/2021 06:21

I just would like to hear your opinions on Step siblings / siblings and boundaries. I have a two week baby and DSS age 15. He asked if he could bath her and I didn't like the idea of this mainly as I'm just getting used to it myself, so I said he could help. He happened to not be around when I bathed her early morning before visitors were due. But afterwards, it got me thinking, I don't really want him changing her nappies and bathing her. Am I right to feel like this. DSS is high functioning autistic so as to not drip feed. I'm really trying to make him feel included.

OP posts:
FestiveMayo · 21/11/2021 06:23

It's absolutely fine to say no. I didn't want my DSC feeding, bathing or changing their sibling as I felt like that was a thing parents do and didn't want them feeling the responsibility. They are younger though.

Restlessinthenorth · 21/11/2021 06:34

I can understand the bathing as there is a safety element, but not changing nappies? I really don't get what is driving that. Surely that is a skill that can be taught easily (many nurseries are staffed by young practitioners not much older than your step child), and might help to make your step child feel involved with your baby, if they so wish? I would be taking a look at what is driving that feeling and how that is going to impact on other elements of the step sibling relationship

FestiveMayo · 21/11/2021 06:37

I never changed my siblings nappies, it's a parenting role. Not a sibling role. A sibling should be doing the fun bits.

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15 year olds Families General parenting
Theunamedcat · 21/11/2021 06:54

Siblings shouldn't be changing nappies IMHO

SolasAnla · 21/11/2021 07:38

Looking after babies is a learned life skill, you are just learning it with the new baby.

Your DSS has asked if he can learn it now. Unless you have concerns about his ability to safely hold and care for the baby is it you being protective?
At 15 it's a benefit to understand that babies are not all the fun parts but an important responsible task of caring for a totally dependant human.
It should not be expected that he care for his sibling but why not teach him basic parenting skills if he asked about and explain that you are learning some hands on bits too.

FestiveMayo · 21/11/2021 07:40

One of my DSC helped me make mushed puree when it came to weaning. That was quite fun.

Frannibananni · 21/11/2021 07:43

It’s something I did for nieces and nephew at that age. It’s normal for him to want to be helpful and involved. You would be bitching if he showed no interest at all which is what you are training him to do.

GoodnightGrandma · 21/11/2021 07:43

If it doesn’t feel right don’t do it.
Going with your gut instinct is a good idea when you’re a mum.

FestiveMayo · 21/11/2021 07:44

You would be bitching if he showed no interest at all which is what you are training him to do. you don't know that. I genuinely don't care if DSC show an interest or not they just have to accept that they are all treated the same in our house.

And as for "training" this is a 15 year old human not a dog.

Motherchicken · 21/11/2021 07:45

Children like to imitate the world around them. I don’t see anything wrong with a child wanting to help care for a baby. Teaches empathy and life skills they may need one day.

FestiveMayo · 21/11/2021 07:45

There's also the potential impact to the family if you let him and something does go wrong. It will blow the family apart.

PinkSyCo · 21/11/2021 07:47

15 year old boys are clumsy and I wouldn’t have trusted my son’s to bathe a new born baby either, not that they would have offered and they CERTAINLY wouldn’t have offered to change no nappies! Saying that I think it’s sweet that your DSS wants to help and it would be nice if you could let him do other things for her.

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 21/11/2021 07:57

This:
If it doesn’t feel right don’t do it.
Going with your gut instinct is a good idea when you’re a mum.

HeartsAndClubs · 21/11/2021 08:01

You couldn’t have paid me to change a baby’s nappy at 15, in fact I don’t think I would have wanted to do it at any age, so if your DSS is actually showing interest in doing such things then you’re doing well. Grin

But is he really interested in changing nappies? Or have you just decided that you don’t want him to, even though he likely wouldn’t want to either?

Terminallysleepdeprived · 21/11/2021 08:10

@hdksla133 sorry but I think you are being unreasonable especially about changing nappies, he is 15 not 5. My dsc were 8 & 10 when dd was born and from first meeting her they held her, fed her, helped to bathe her, learnt to change nappies. The latter done on the bed so as not to risk her falling but they loved helping and it has means they have the most incredible bond as a result.

Persephonegoddess · 21/11/2021 08:11

Are you saying you don't want him to do it because he is male and she is female? Just wanted to check as that is what I read from your Op?

SausageDogMum73 · 21/11/2021 08:30

Sorry but I do think it’s odd that you wouldn’t want him to do it. I get there might be a safety concern but you can be there to keep an eye on what is happening. Him doing the odd bath or nappy change doesn’t translate into him being obliged.
Would you feel this way if they were full siblings?

Nearthelooplease · 21/11/2021 08:41

Do you not want him to do it in case he accidentally hurts her, or because you’re not happy with a male (even a male blood relative) changing her nappy or bathing her? If it’s the latter I would be very careful of how you phrase that in front of your partner.

And her half brother surely, not her step brother?

Original poster
Hdksla133 · 21/11/2021 08:42

@SausageDogMum73

Sorry but I do think it’s odd that you wouldn’t want him to do it. I get there might be a safety concern but you can be there to keep an eye on what is happening. Him doing the odd bath or nappy change doesn’t translate into him being obliged. Would you feel this way if they were full siblings?
I don't think it is odd from a safety perspective. As someone else has said 15 year old boys can be clumsy. This along with my DSS's sometimes unpredictable movements and coordination linked to his autism I feel compared to some threads on Mumsnet, where some mothers fret if the MIL holds the baby for too long.. I feel I have been unselfish with my baby. I have let everyone have lots of time alone with her. Nursing and looking after her. I am however grateful for all your comments, I'm digesting them and trying to be open to other people's opinions x
OP posts:
Notbornwithit · 21/11/2021 08:43

Nope I wouldn’t have it either. Male or female

AnkleDeep · 21/11/2021 08:49

I understand, OP. Not unreasonable at all.

T0rt0ise · 21/11/2021 08:59

Personally I'd let him help. Sounds like a caring young man that wants to be involved. That doesn't mean you have to let him do it all, but no reason you can't hold the baby whilst he helps pass stuff, entertains her (I know she won't care but he could show her pages from a black and white book for example) etc.

Obviously your choice though, we don't know SS and your relationship with him.

sofakingcool · 21/11/2021 08:59

I wouldn't feel comfortable with the bathing, especially if as you say his movements can be a bit jerky. It's lovely that he wants to be involved though, I can't imagine either of my teenage sons being keen Grin, so may be offer him something else he can be involved with? Choosing her an outfit for the day? Helping with easy clothing?

FestiveMayo · 21/11/2021 09:01

I feel compared to some threads on Mumsnet, where some mothers fret if the MIL holds the baby for too long.. I feel I have been unselfish with my baby. "unselfish"? You're allowed to be 'selfish'. This is your child not a doll for sharing around. If someone's protective instinct has kicked in with their hormones and whatever it's a bit off to judge them for that.

FestiveMayo · 21/11/2021 09:02

@T0rt0ise

Personally I'd let him help. Sounds like a caring young man that wants to be involved. That doesn't mean you have to let him do it all, but no reason you can't hold the baby whilst he helps pass stuff, entertains her (I know she won't care but he could show her pages from a black and white book for example) etc.

Obviously your choice though, we don't know SS and your relationship with him.

I agree reading books or entertaining her are much better things for a sibling to get involved with