I’ve just become a single parent

[FreshStartz]

I am officially now a single parent after my relationship recently broke down with the father of my children.

Please give me your best tips and advice on the challenges of single parenting and how I can make things easier for myself in day to day tasks and life.

I will say this - I get stressed extremely quickly! I’m not particularly looking forward to doing everything on my own. I didn’t want things to pan out this way and feel defeated already. I want to get through this with as little struggle as possible.

Children are toddler and school age.

Thanks

Things always look better when you are not overtired. If you are feeling awful, go to bed when the children do. A bit of extra sleep will make you feel a bit better.

Make life easy for yourself and make sure the children will eat the same things as you. Don’t offer any alternatives apart from boring porridge or weetabix if they didn’t eat their dinner.

It is never too early to get them doing stuff in the house. Make sure they are putting clothes in laundry basket, making beds when they get up, picking up after themselves etc. you are not a slave just because you are the only adult.

If they are behaving really badly, try and play with them and hug rather than shout.

Don’t be afraid to make all of you do things that you want to do. You don’t need to be a martyr in the playground. You matter too.

@Solasum those are amazing tips, especially the one about playing/hugging rather than shouting as I feel I always shout rather than be silly/dopey with them.

Thank you it means a lot.

Please don't feel defeated , sorry you have found yourself in this situation if it's not what you wanted . I was a single mum for 7 years and it was hard work at times but it also made me feel empowered and strong .My tips would be - be as organised as possible , with washing , cooking , cleaning up try and get the kitchen sorted straight away after meals. Put clothes out the night before for the following day. Make time for yourself - bubble bath , face pack. Have early nights watching something funny on tv. Maybe let the older one stay up a bit later one weekend night and you watch a film cuddled up on the sofa.

@FreshStartz glad to help. I also get Stressed, who doesn’t?, but I try really hard these days to meet bad behaviour with kindness rather than anger. At least that way afterwards I don’t feel I guilty for being a screaming banshee, and it definitely refuses things more quickly here.

You will be ok 💐

Defuses, not refuses

Go and find out if you are entitled to any benefits. I was surprised to find out I was.

Line up schools with good after school clubs and breakfast clubs. Find a mobile hairdresser (cheaper and no worries with childminding). If you have the extra cash, get a cleaner in to give you a break every one/two weeks. Accept you cannot do everything and corners will need to be cut somewhere. Batch cook. Paper cups and plates in case you are ever sick, just to keep the kitchen ticking over.

Look after yourself: your own diet, body etc. It's too easy to deprioritise yourself.

I need to get @Solasum round to show me how to get my kids doing chores!

Thanks everyone, any more? What are the biggest challenges I could face? I know one of them is being burnt out and feeling like I’m the one doing everything and generally feeling outnumbered…

The biggest challenge for me is the mental workload. The physical workload is easy as I'm organised and practical and always have been, going from 4 dc, yes he was a giant manchild to 3 dc was actually OK. It s the mental workload that exhausts me, being the only adult in the house. I make lists, everyday I have a new list with all my jobs on, washing, boys to school, non uniform day, put out bins, collect parcel etc. You would be surprised how satisfying it is crossing the jobs off as you do them, I also rarely forget anything now. Oh and sleep, I don't care if its only 8pm, if the dc are in bed and I'm tired I go to bed....

Join the app Frolo its for single parents. There's loads of tips, information and meet ups on there! Its just won app of the year!

I think Frolo is annoying. It requires a photo before you can properly register. I don't want to upload a photo to some app.

@MrsHookey 😂 it is far from perfect. But from very early on I have spouted ‘we are part of a team and we have to help each other’. I have also always told DC if I am feeling tired or ill or anything, because I think it is important for them to consider me as a person too. I am determined not to raise useless inconsiderate men, and so far it seems to have worked well. I was so proud recently when DC checked if they could get me anything before they ran off to play with a friend when we were at their house.

So DC get dressed, make beds, open curtains, make breakfast for themselves then clear away into the bin and dishwasher, put their own laundry away etc. also happy to run a hoover around sometimes, and if everything gets particularly chaotic they understand they need to make inroads into it. None of the above are very significant on their own, but by DC doing them it all takes off a bit of pressure in the mornings, so we are able to be calmer. I am progressively adding in things as they get older, so next step will be putting snacks in own school bag and filling water bottle. I could do it all myself, but I reason why should I have to?

I totally agree with every word @Solasum has said. You literally can’t do everything on your own so get the kids to help. Mine have regular jobs of their own (my 7yo is a pro at the bins/recycling!) and then every week we have a ‘work burst’ I bark orders at them “soldier 1 - vacuum the stairs, soldier 2 - wipe surfaces in the bathroom…” (they chose the soldier theme! Gentler versions possible ) and they report back to me when they’ve finished one job to get their next job. No, they don’t clean a bathroom in the same way as I do, but they’re learning they have to take responsibility for a household.

I meal plan and use the slow cooker a lot. All lunches made the night before, school uniforms laid out the night before. I have five sets of uniform per DC so that they can all be ironed at the weekend and ready for the week. Pants, socks, towels are colour coded so it’s easy (for them!) to sort laundry - grey socks and school trousers for one DS, black for the other, etc.

Meals are simple and I’m not beyond serving up pot noodles or cereal for tea in emergencies. There is always a loaf of bread in my freezer.

Reach out to other parents for support (share driving to beavers / clubs etc).

Oh, and always - ALWAYS - have emergency wine / chocolate / whatever your treat is - squirrelled away somewhere!

(You know what? Reading that back I’m pretty dammed proud of myself. My home works better with me as the only adult than it did when STBXH lived here. It’s a much calmer, happier place. I hope you find the same x)

Oh, sounds daft, but get a decent pair of blue tooth headphones and listen to audio books or music while you’re doing any household jobs. Washing the dishes feels much more rewarding when you’re also listening to your favourite book)

@AttaGirrrrl what a brilliant idea. Will try that this weekend, possibly interspersed with a nerf gun battle.

Will he be having contact with the children? Get maintenance sorted

Single parents are a type of superhero didn't you know :)
I echo what everyone else has said, more importantly.. Just be kind to yourself and your mental health, you can't be the best you want to be if you're not looking after yourself. If it means switching the TV on for 10 minutes for the kids to watch whilst you drink a hot cup of tea, then don't feel guilty..
I've been a single parent for 18 months now, it took a few months to fully get in the groove but now I love it, my house is not open to a man to come in and ruin it!
You will learn to love it, you're little family unit of 3 will be so strong and you'll feel like a champion in a few months time, you've done the hardest part and accepted you're doing this alone and that's half the battle.. Welcome to the best club in the world :)

@FreshStartz

Thanks everyone, any more? What are the biggest challenges I could face? I know one of them is being burnt out and feeling like I’m the one doing everything and generally feeling outnumbered…

Re. the outnumbered thing: Right from the start, use “we..” as much as you can. Emphasise the three of you as a team, getting everything done, making things fun. Avoiding ‘you two always… I have to…’

Sometimes mama needs a time out! What makes you unwind? A nice bath, yoga, tea in the garden? If you can have a friend help with babysitting, maybe another single mum. Even one hour to yourself each week can reset your equilibrium. If you feel really angry, go to another room and do conscious breathing. Better to remove yourself from the situation. Check out Winnicot, the 'good enough' parent. Well done in starting your independent life!

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice. Still new to this single parenting thing and finding it quite overwhelming. It’s intense.

Is your ex seeing them at all. If he is having contact time, use that time for your recovery and not just jobs

Internet shopping even if its a bit more expensive.

Ps, and stay at home or even the school gate married mums who have it all, they only seem like the default if thats the word when yr children are v young.
I nevee talk to anybody "through the school" now even tho i still have a 15 yr old.
I never see families anymore when they used to seem like they were all around me. I have a family, i know that, but i mean, it gets easier as yr kids get older because yr not surrounded by what you're not.

This is head stuff i realise. You asked for tips!

Take each day at a time - you don't have to do everything right now so it's important to prioritise (the basics like washing for Monday and meals and then getting finances sorted, etc) and to make the DC feel secure in this new chapter of their lives.

I know it might not feel like it now, but fron the DC's perspective, it's actually quite fortunate that it's in the run up to Christmas, as there are plenty of other cheery things to focus on and it's a great time to start new traditions with them.

What are the biggest challenges I could face?

As the DC get older, there will be logistical challenges where they each need to be in different places at the same time, so I'd start to connect with other parents now and start building a supportive network for reciprocal lifts/childcare/emergencies, etc.