I’ve just become a single parent

[FreshStartz]

I am officially now a single parent after my relationship recently broke down with the father of my children.

Please give me your best tips and advice on the challenges of single parenting and how I can make things easier for myself in day to day tasks and life.

I will say this - I get stressed extremely quickly! I’m not particularly looking forward to doing everything on my own. I didn’t want things to pan out this way and feel defeated already. I want to get through this with as little struggle as possible.

Children are toddler and school age.

Thanks

With expenses, use the will this matter in 5 years strategy. Helps with decision making. Braces yes. A nother hallowe'en costume no.

I think i gave my children too many choices.
They are teens now and fight me on everything

I’m a single parent and have been for 5 years and still find it hard but that’s because Ex has no contact through choice so I don’t get a break. That’s the hardest bit for me

Keep cartons of long life milk in the cupboard. Not being able to nip out at 8pm if I'd run out took a bit of getting used to.
Organise paper as it comes into the house and always have some just in case cash and change for random school things.
Other than that, as pps have said, just do what you can. I actually ended up on antidepressants for a few months post split as I was so stressed I was not managing anything. Challenges are numerous as you are battling on your own on many fronts, but all the achievements are yours. I've been a single parent since mine was 4, so 12 years - there's tricky bits regardless if whether I was single or in a relationship but I love the fact it's just me and her and we are a happy little team.

You will be in shock for a few months while you sort the practicalities and find your feet. This is normal, there is a major shift on your life and it is natural to feel as if the carpet has been pulled under your feet even if you were expecting this situation for years.

You will find it is much easier to raise your kids alone than raising them alone with a father that doesn’t pull his weight, that’s provided you manage to have enough money to pay the rent and bills and cover your basic needs so, if you are not working, it is time to start planing to get back to work.

Apply for universal credit as soon as now. It will take some time to sort but you don’t need to wait until he officially moved out. You can calculate what help you may get using the calculator at entitledto.co.uk.

One thing that you need to understand is that the only way you are going to survive this is by acknowledging that your rest and sleep is as important or even more important than that of your kids, simply put if you are exhausted you loose track, loose your temper and start letting important stuff slide, so ensure you sleep enough.

Set a good bedtime routine and stick to it, send them to bed at 7 but ensure you are in bed early as well.

You will be tempted to put your kids first on everything and let them lead but you shouldn’t, your needs are as important or more important than theirs as you are the one that keeps the boat afloat. You can only be a good parent if you are ok yourself.

Personally, becoming a single parent was the most empowering experience of my life. I am sure that if you organise yourself well this will be the making of you.

Try not to see being a single mum in a negative light, there are advantages to it, as in you can parent your own way, you are not accountable to another adult, you are in sole charge of finances, its liberating steering your own ship.
If you are a calm and confident parent it will rub off on your kids, (even if you have to fake it at times) my two lost their dad young yet they have no victim mentality, and it also makes you incredibly resourceful.
Mine are older now, we work well as a team, all hands on deck kind of attitude, we are incredibly close and support one another, they make me proud and they respect not only myself but other lone parents too, it gives them more empathy as to whats involved on a daily basis.

I echo the PPs that everyone has to have chores. Age appropriate of course. Everyone can put their rubbish in the bin. Toddlers can pair socks, in fact mine used to love it.

The house doesn't have to be spotless all the time and no one cares if you've done all the ironing (or indeed any of it). Well some people might care. Ignore them

If you're tired go to bed when the DC do. When I first became a single mum (12 years ago) I used to go to bed with the DC. We'd all snuggle in my bed and play "who can be still and quiet the longest".

Have emergency childcare in place. And back up childcare. And back up to the back up. (If you can)

Keep a stash of long life milk just in case you run out overnight. You can still have a morning coffee/tea and cereal.

If you have a local "community" then tap into that. My church is really good for this. It's attached to the primary school and has a term time coffee morning after drop off, with no religious expectation at all. I've made some amazing friends there and still pop in most days even though my youngest left the school 5 years ago.

Be kind to yourself. Single parenting is tough but you can do it!

Make sure they know who and how to contact someone in an emergency. Mine could unlock my phone and knew how to call my Mum and 999. I'd also arranged with a couple of neighbours that the DC could knock on their door and they'd also come and help. I think the system was
DC1 - go to neighbour and bring them to ours.
DC2 - call Grandma and tell her it's an emergency. Then hang up and call 999.

My boys are teens now and they often tell me how proud they are of everything I've done. I was in a 2.5 year relationship, which sadly ended 2 years ago. While I sobbed my heart out, my boys wrapped their arms around me and one of them said "we've always been just fine with us 3. We'll be just fine again"

Parenting isn't a competition. Children don't need billions of new things every Christmas. One of our favourite years was a couple of years ago. We'd always spent Christmas with my mum, but as I was no longer single she booked to go on holiday thinking we'd be with DP. We split up the day she booked the holiday . I was skint, severely depressed and generally fed up. I spent my very small budget on some new (to us) board games and a dvd or 2. We had such a brilliant day playing games. Low key and perfect.

I was a single mother for 17 years my kids are 18 and 19 now .

Some tips ,emphasise being a team and working together .

Have fun , laugh , watch movies .Have nice routines we always had treat Friday and a nice breakfast on Sunday .

Let go of anything ,I mean anything you don't need to do .

Be organised always try to have basics in . I bulk bought basics eg toilet roll three times a year we called it our stockpile . A slow cooker is good and if you can afford it a cleaner is fantastic.

Rest up when you can , your energy is a priority . Be kind to each other and expect / demand kindness from your kids . Be consistent with your rules and expectations , but apologise when you are wrong .

Don't worry about your kids having to do jobs , it helps them be a bit more independent. I used to worry they had to do too much ( they really didn't ) but I can see how able and independent now they are at uni .

Understand you'll never be finished your to do list , make peace with this . Stop, rest , spend time with the kids , just go to the sea side / bake a cake if you feel like it .

You get to steer your families ship which is a huge responsibility and a huge privilege. My biggest piece of advice is do it your way , with your values, personality and priorities and you'll be just fine .

What are the biggest challenges I could face?

Children’s needs and wants get more complex as they get older but you don’t need to worry about that now. By the time you get there you will have the “training” to deal with them.