Struggling with motherhood

[Chocolatebutter]

I have no help family help with my toddler . I am exhausted and mentally drained . I’m tired of him. I used to enjoy being a mum when he was a baby but now it’s taking a toll on me. I tell my partner this and he tells me all mums at exhausted and make sacrifices but I didn’t expect to sacrifice my mental wellbeing . I feel broken. I love my son but I don’t have the energy and patience to be that mum he deserves because I’m not okay. I feel very depressed . And I know people will suggest I see a gp and or go on anti depressants but I know this isn’t what I need. I need a break. I need to have the option to have a shower , wash my hair , workout , have some time alone , eat my dinner while it’s hot and be able to sit down whilst eating it, I want to be able to sleep for a few more hours at night. My son is very demanding and takes up all of my time during the day I don’t have time to do things for myself which is fine . However at night time he doesn’t sleep very long so even when I’m in the shower I’m jumping out to settle him back to sleep. I’m trying to complete an online internship whilst he’s asleep and it’s not possible . I don’t even have family to rely on close by who can help. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I need to go away somewhere where I can have a break and no have anyone speak to me for a day. I’m loosing the plot . I need to being able to look after myself so I can be a better mum for him but I don’t know how .

Does he go to daycare/nursery at all? If not, I would start with 2 half or full days per week. It saved my sanity. Felt guilty for a short time but then realised that the break made me a better parent when he came home... and he frickin loves going.

When does you DH parent him so you can have some time to yourself?

@Willthewashingeverend no he doesn’t go nursery . He’s at home with me full time . I would love to do that . I’m hoping I can find a part time job that would be able to provide childcare vouchers

@EdithGrantham he does the very very bare minimum. I will ask him to watch him so I can do something like maybe have a shower and he will say he will watch him tomorrow. So tomorrow will come and he may or may not watch him but even if he does I’m constantly being rushed . I don’t have any peace

@EdithGrantham he some how thinks as a mother I have accepted this responsibility on myself so need to deal with it . I tell him how hard it is and he dismisses me by telling me all mums do it .

Your partner needs to step up. This is not right

[quote Chocolatebutter]@EdithGrantham he some how thinks as a mother I have accepted this responsibility on myself so need to deal with it . I tell him how hard it is and he dismisses me by telling me all mums do it .[/quote]
No, they don't. He is an arse

@JachFrost yes he does. He doesn’t see the impact this is having on me . It sounds crazy but I’ve even considered being a single just so he can have our toddler on the odd weekend that he may and that could be my weekend break

@JachFrost I tell him mums don’t have to be depressed. I know many mums who either have supporting partners or are single and live with their mums are going on holiday alone, going out and living a normal life . Their life hasn’t stopped completely because they have a child . They are still human as well and so am I.

Your "D"H is an arse basically

What would happen if you just left your child with your partner? Tell him you're going to have a shower so please could he get your child if he wakes up, and stay in there.

Then when he complains when you eventually get out, say 'But I told you I was having a shower - I'm sure you can cope' and go to bed.

If that wouldn't be possible because you are scared or you think your son wouldn't be safe, then you need to leave. If you think he's do a bad job, just let him get on with it.

@EdithGrantham

Your "D"H is an arse basically

Yup. You have a DH problem, not a motherhood problem.

You both need equal downtime. At the moment, he works 37.5 hours a week (or whatever) and you work 168.

Okay firstly stop asking your partner to watch the baby. You tell him he is watching him because you are doing xy or z. He is the Dad, you do not need to ask him to look after his child. Yes he will moan, yes it will be shit for a bit but the more you enable his weaponised incompetence (oh I can’t settle him, if you leave him he’ll cry etc) then the more he will do it.

If he won’t step up then yes I’d leave, life is to short to martyr yourself to a man who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about you.

I think you need to look at this in a very different way. You are not struggling with motherhood, you are struggling with a selfish and useless partner. If he wasn't so awful, you would probably be enjoying motherhood just fine.

I say this because you really shouldn't beat yourself up about struggling with it all, I think any of us would be miserable in your situation. It's so unfair.

What would life look like if you split up? Yes you would be on your own, but he's not helping anyway, and you wouldn't need to do anything for him.

I really hate reading things like this where a woman is struggling so much but she actually has a man in the house that should be helping. How is it okay that be does the bare minimum and you're close to losing your sanity?! That's honestly disgusting.

I agree with a pp who said to stop asking DP to look after your son and just tell DP you're going to have a shower or a nap or even going out for a few hours to meet with a friend. As mentioned, if you feel you can't do that because you don't think your son will be safe or because his dad has no clue what he's doing then it may just be easier to cut your loses

another who agrees, it's not motherhood you hate - its having a useless partner.

We both work FT, have 2 kids.

DH gets in earlier than us, he hoovers and preps tea before we get home.
He puts the baby to bed while I clean up and do homework with the 5 year old. I do bedtime with the big one while DH sorts out a laundry load.
we both sit down together around 9pm for an hour, then got to bed together at 10. He deals with any baby wakes before 1am, I do after (because I take baby into the spare bed and he will sleep solidly with me - it works for us)

Mornings he leaves before us but still gets up and gets breakfast bits ready for me to serve up

I'd hate parenting too if my situation was the same as yours.

Tbf though, returning to work also helped for me - it was never on the cards for me to quit and stay at home, that time at work is my time to be me and not just their mum, and it really helps.

You're getting no support from your partner no wonder you're still feeling this way

I know you said you don't want antidepressants but it could still help speaking to your gp as whatever the reason behind how you are feeling you still describe feelings of depression which even a conversation with GP to see how they can support you x

Your husband is a cock. Did he want children??

Yea so the problem isn't you or your son (you should research sleep training though as a good sleep will change everything), it's your husband.

Your husband is shit. What you're feeling is completely understandable when you're doing it alone.

Who does he think he is saying it's normal for mums to be exhausted etc etc when he does nothing to even the load ?!

How do you not just hit him!!

Do you trust him to look after the baby? What would happen if you just handed him the baby and went off for the day, getting your hair done, getting lunch etc?

You need to put your foot down with your partner and mean it. You’re already basically a single parent. Don’t ask him to help. TELL him to pull his weight or get lost.

I’m not sure I agree it’s a ‘dear husband’ problem. I think he knows your little toddler is happiest with you and that bond is great but it’s very tough too. All mothers can probably relate to the stress and burnout you can feel with an infant who needs and demands so much of your time and presence. It’s really just a stage they go through and in the years to come you will miss these first years or wonder how fast they went by.
I think you have to get to the GP and let them know how stressed you feel, see if you can get some medication. Speak to your health visitor too as they may offer some free nursery hours.
But try to put these problems into context and accept that life with young children is tough and maybe put the internship on hold. These years are precious so maybe try to change your mindset, look after your little one and listen to your husband who means well, but be brave and also ask him to give you a little space. That way the bond with him and the child will grow stronger too. It’s just a period of change. Don’t let it depress you though.

Personally I always found the toddler years the hardest part. Give me a newborn to look after over a toddler any day! If I was you I'd try to get a job... personally I think having a job and putting your DC in childcare would be easier. And your dh needs to step up! Once the toddler years are over and your DC starts school life will be so much easier!

Your child ain’t the problem here, he is not demanding, the problem is you don’t get a break because your husband is a shit parent! Don’t put that on the baby. Tell your husband he needs to step up.