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Parenting

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Original poster

Daughter isn't aware of 'other siblings'

51 replies

Jinx1290 · 15/11/2021 07:32

OK, this is my first post and an extremely hard one at that to talk about. For the sake of the post I'll refer to the ex as Robert, and my daughter Lizzie.
Backstory:
When I was in my late teen years I had a relationship with 'Robert'. It was a very volatile and abusive relationship and I was forced into sex. We where together for around 2 years, in that last year I became pregnant. When I was around 8 months Robert attacked me again, he stabbed me in the stomach numerous times, beat me black and blue. I almost lost my daughter. Robert was arrested, jailed and a lifetime restraining order was set in place.
As you can imagine, the trauma from that experience left me a little bit broken for many years. I was a shadow of my former self for a long while.
Over the years Robert has made the odd appearance, wether that be stalking or trying to alienate me from friends/family (albeit not successfully) Robert attempted to gain access to Lizzie through court. The judge ruled he could not have access and essentially closed his case. (He wasnt allowed to send cards at the minimum either) Honestly, I knew when the court ruled the decision to decline his access I was doing the right thing.
I have had zero contact with him since the incident when I was pregnant. Everything since has been him attempting to either contact me or me speaking to solicitors when he tried at court.

Fast forward 13 years. My daughter to Robert is attending high school. She is obviously aware that she has a father but has zero interest in meeting him. She sees my husband as her dad. And has never inquired into wanting a relationship with him (she is extremely open and will talk about pretty much everything with myself and my partner) He has been there since she was around 2 years old.

I have since found out one of Roberts other children is currently attending my daughters High school (the last year) she has an active relationship with him as he lives with her and her siblings. My daughter is unaware. What do I do. Do I tell her and open that Pandora up. Do I explain my past relationship (that's a bit like parental alienation which I'm not about but I feel she should know the facts).

Roberts other child is from a relationship with a woman who actively promoted what had happened to me. She, in my opinion is just as bad as him. I have zero interest in walking that path with either of them.

Guidance or the likes would be extremely beneficial. I understand Lizzie should know but I also feel she should know the type of people she will be walking into. As per court orders she won't be able to access her father unless she wants to go to court to change it.

OP posts:

Ozanj · 15/11/2021 07:36

I would move schools

stairgates · 15/11/2021 07:38

Tough one. It may be worth pre warning her incase the sister ever decides to be a bitch and introduce herself in an unpleasant way. Your DD will then not look like a rabbit in headlines and is prepared with a reply.

KoreyBay18 · 15/11/2021 07:38

Honestly, I wouldn't tell her whilst this girl is still at her school. It opens a whole can of worms that she may not be ready for.

I would leave it a year once the girl has left and your daughter doesn't have to potentially bump into her.

Bromeliad · 15/11/2021 07:39

I'm sorry, this sounds incredibly difficult for you. I think I would speak to the school to start with, they need to know if one parent has a lifetime restraining order against another parent and they may have someone you can talk this through or be able to refer you to someone.

Many schools have links to charities and counsellors who may be able to help. I would be tempted to go straight to the Safeguarding Lead to be honest. There should be a direct contact on the school's website.

Evelyn52 · 15/11/2021 07:40

Honestly I'd move her, she's still too young to understand and you don't want this family having any influence on her, I'd get her well away, nothing good could come of it and if they remain in contact it will come out, these things always do. Good luck my heart hurts for you xxx

SW1amp · 15/11/2021 07:41

So is there a chance Robert and Lizzie could bump into each other at a school event?
Presumably you all live in the same area?

I would be moving schools and probably also moving house to make sure there weren’t any chance or ‘chance’ meetings

He sounds vindictive as well as violent so I wouldn’t want to be constantly looking over my shoulders for him

PegasusReturns · 15/11/2021 07:41

She needs to know, because this will come out and she needs to be prepared to manage the situation. You need to help her with this because it won’t be easy.

I also think you need to tell the school, but honestly I think I’d be moving a million miles away.

NoSquirrels · 15/11/2021 07:41

Having seen a slightly similar situation play out here with teens who didn’t know they had siblings - a father’s first family, in this instance, but no violence etc. - then I think your DD does need to know, hard as it is. What sex and ages are the siblings?

I don’t know what the best way to go about it is in your particular circumstances - I’d think seriously about getting school involved, perhaps to access counselling support if needed. But I do think your DD needs to know because there’s all sorts of unintended consequences that could arise, or the knowledge could be used against her.

I’m sorry for what you went through and that it’s still affecting you and your DD

Original poster

Jinx1290 · 15/11/2021 07:45

@KoreyBay18

Honestly, I wouldn't tell her whilst this girl is still at her school. It opens a whole can of worms that she may not be ready for.

I would leave it a year once the girl has left and your daughter doesn't have to potentially bump into her.

This is what I was hoping would happen. Robert doesn't have a single image of Lizzie and I don't post her on social media. From all accounts his other daughter doesn't look like Lizzie. In a normal situation I would he very much against hiding things but I need to protect my daughter ultimately. I could tell her and she goes looking for the other girl. I understand her half sister has done nothing wrong. But it does open that whole can of worms and feel if possible it's something she can explore when she's older.

I know this will probably backfire someway or another. Honestly, the thought terrifies me having Robert anywhere near her.

OP posts:

ANameChangeAgain · 15/11/2021 07:48

Very difficult.
Moving is very tempting, but can be heartbreaking and disruptive, and I feel you can run forever. The man isn't her dad in the true sense of the word and so this child doesn't have to be referred to as her sibling. I would tell her in all honesty, but be careful that the words you use to describe them aren't sister or father.

Original poster

Jinx1290 · 15/11/2021 07:48

@Bromeliad

Thank you. At her primary school they where made aware that he was not allowed on the premises. It's been so long I've never had to bring the restraining order up again. I will definitely contact them today to arrange a meeting and see what they can do to help.

OP posts:

EmmaGrundyForPM · 15/11/2021 07:53

I'm confused. If the other daughter is older than yours, but he still lives with that family, when did your relationship with him happen? No judgement, just trying to understand the timeliness. If he was living with that family whilst abusing you, and was jailed for what he did, why was he allowed to return to that family? I'm just wondering if you've got your facts straight as he may not be living there at all. If he is, are social services aware? The fact that he had a restraining order because of his violence should have meant his existing children were protected from him as well.

As others have suggested, talk to the school and make them aware of the situation.

Savoretti · 15/11/2021 08:01

@EmmaGrundyForPM yes I also wondered this. I can’t believe he can be living with the previous family surely

Einszwei · 15/11/2021 08:05

Is there any chance the daughter will tell Lizzie that they are half sisters?

I think Lizzie would much rather hear from you, than be blindsided by her half sister at school. Trust and honesty are so important.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 15/11/2021 08:06

Terrifying for you.

Initially i would talk to the school but
Honestly i would be looking to move her and would ultimately want to change to a different school. The various risks and stress of what if wouldnt be acceptable to me.

Dinosauria · 15/11/2021 08:07

[quote Savoretti]@EmmaGrundyForPM yes I also wondered this. I can’t believe he can be living with the previous family surely[/quote]
I don't understand this obsession to pick holes in ops. This isn't AIBU , it is parenting, maybe op has obscured details to help protect her anonymity.

I think you need to talk to her, secrets and lies never end well, you are heading for teenage years where they naturally become more secretive, don't allow her dad the cover to worm his way in.

NewbieAlert · 15/11/2021 08:16

I would tell her because she is extremely open and will talk about pretty much everything with myself and my partner.
I couldn’t risk losing this trust.
If she finds out another way and then you have to admit that you knew, that could hurt her more then the other information.

timeisnotaline · 15/11/2021 08:16

So neither Robert nor Lizzie would recognise your daughter or know her name. But there are many many opportunities where Robert and you might cross paths at school events and then it would all be clear. I think letting him find out what his daughters name is and what she looks like would be a very bad move with significant fall out for you and your daughter, once that has happened it can’t unhappen. I’d immediately inform school that you have a lifetime restraining order against another parent and can’t attend any events wihtout their confirmation he won’t be there, and look at moving schools. My goal would be he never finds out his daughter was at the school or you are nearby.

Original poster

Jinx1290 · 15/11/2021 08:19

@EmmaGrundyForPM

As others have suggested, talk to the school and make them aware of the situation.

Yes sorry, that does seem confusing. So from what I believe his current partner had a child just before we started a relationship. I was unaware. We where together for 2 years and then after he was released from jail went back to his prior partner. From what I've heard they have had their own issues with him being abusive towards her. But at this moment are still with each other. Again, only what I've been told. No idea if social services are involved with them but I'd like to hope they have been. They certainly where very helpful with myself after it all happened. Pretty sure they are required to see anyone with children involved in situations like this.

OP posts:

kalidasa · 15/11/2021 08:24

Does your daughter use your last name or that of your husband? If she uses your husband's last name, does "Robert" even know what that is? I am wondering whether he would even know she was his daughter if he saw her name.

I think the answer to this makes a difference as to how urgently you need to tell her, but I'm afraid I think you do have to tell her either way. I think she would be (reasonably) very angry and upset if this is sprung on her by someone else at school and she then realises that you knew and hadn't warned her.

I also agree with you that she needs to know the basic facts of the case in order to understand why, legally, he is not allowed to have contact with her. Perhaps you could seek advice yourself maybe from a domestic violence charity of something like that? about how best to have that conversation. I think notifying the school is also a good idea. If you don't feel that you would be able to tell her yourself about the violence you experienced, perhaps your husband could help.

I learnt something a bit similar about my mother's history (though it didn't relate to me quite as directly) when I was about 14. She had agreed that we (me and younger siblings) ought to know but simply wasn't able to tell us herself. (She is still unable to talk about it at all and she's nearly 80 now.) My father, her second husband, told us each individually and also made it clear that if we had questions we could go to him. It was quite an old-fashioned way of handling it (he literally called us one by one into his study!) but I think they did the best they could and I respect my mother for appreciating that we needed to know. I would say, too, that at some level we all did already know -- I mean, we knew there was something pretty awful that we weren't being told. I expect at some level your daughter does too.

ChloeCrocodile · 15/11/2021 08:49

Firstly, try not to panic. By the sounds of things your DD and her half sibling have been attending the same school for a couple of years and nobody has realised the connection so it is unlikely that they will do so imminently. That means you have a little time to get yourself together and line up support for your DD and yourself.

I agree with pps that speaking to the school is a priority. It really is vital that they know the connection between the students and you need to highlight that she isn't allowed any contact whatsoever with her father.

I'd definitely also try to see what support is out there (charities etc) for you and your DD. The school may be able to advise if they have school counsellors or youth workers, or to point you in the right direction. It must be terribly difficult for you to have to revisit the trauma of what happened so don't forget that you need help too. You say social services have been helpful to you in the past - could you ask their advice?

Obviously I think that you have to tell your DD. Not necessarily everything, but certainly that he was sent to prison for attacking you and that the courts determined that he was unsafe for her to even have remote contact with.

LynetteScavo · 15/11/2021 08:58

I would say nothing to your DD. I wouldn't move house or schools. I would let the school know about the lifetime restraining order.

Athrawes · 15/11/2021 09:05

Move school. Ideally move town. Leave the country.

At least pick another school.

girlmom21 · 15/11/2021 09:21

I'd move schools. He won't recognise your daughter but what if you go to parents evening on the same day, or a school performance, or pick her up because it's raining?

How likely is it that you'll bump into him?

Original poster

Jinx1290 · 15/11/2021 09:25

Daughter currently has my maiden name. However, it has been discussed and she would be happy to change her name over. We've also talked about adoption so she is legally the responsibility of my husband too. Ie, any and all parental rights are stripped from Bio father. I was concerned he'd be notified so haven't pursued this yet.

Honestly, I've just kind of thrown my head in the sand when it comes to Robert. Ignorance is bliss as they say. As others have said I do need to address this, I'm just glad I wasn't being unreasonable in my train of thinking re her wellbeing/safety alongside my own.

OP posts:

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