Daughter isn't aware of 'other siblings'

[Jinx1290]

OK, this is my first post and an extremely hard one at that to talk about. For the sake of the post I'll refer to the ex as Robert, and my daughter Lizzie.
Backstory:
When I was in my late teen years I had a relationship with 'Robert'. It was a very volatile and abusive relationship and I was forced into sex. We where together for around 2 years, in that last year I became pregnant. When I was around 8 months Robert attacked me again, he stabbed me in the stomach numerous times, beat me black and blue. I almost lost my daughter. Robert was arrested, jailed and a lifetime restraining order was set in place.
As you can imagine, the trauma from that experience left me a little bit broken for many years. I was a shadow of my former self for a long while.
Over the years Robert has made the odd appearance, wether that be stalking or trying to alienate me from friends/family (albeit not successfully) Robert attempted to gain access to Lizzie through court. The judge ruled he could not have access and essentially closed his case. (He wasnt allowed to send cards at the minimum either) Honestly, I knew when the court ruled the decision to decline his access I was doing the right thing.
I have had zero contact with him since the incident when I was pregnant. Everything since has been him attempting to either contact me or me speaking to solicitors when he tried at court.

Fast forward 13 years. My daughter to Robert is attending high school. She is obviously aware that she has a father but has zero interest in meeting him. She sees my husband as her dad. And has never inquired into wanting a relationship with him (she is extremely open and will talk about pretty much everything with myself and my partner) He has been there since she was around 2 years old.

I have since found out one of Roberts other children is currently attending my daughters High school (the last year) she has an active relationship with him as he lives with her and her siblings. My daughter is unaware. What do I do. Do I tell her and open that Pandora up. Do I explain my past relationship (that's a bit like parental alienation which I'm not about but I feel she should know the facts).

Roberts other child is from a relationship with a woman who actively promoted what had happened to me. She, in my opinion is just as bad as him. I have zero interest in walking that path with either of them.

Guidance or the likes would be extremely beneficial. I understand Lizzie should know but I also feel she should know the type of people she will be walking into. As per court orders she won't be able to access her father unless she wants to go to court to change it.

I'd move schools. It isn't worth the risk of running into him. The restraining order will be difficult to keep up with in situations like parents evening etc. to start with make the school aware of it all, but I would definitely consider another school for your dd.

If you decide to move schools then, by default, you have to tell her why. You can't just uproot her for what she perceives as no reason.

If you stay at the school, I think you have to tell her because I think that it will come out - he must know your DD's name. And of course, there's always the chance that he will recognise you at some point. And of course, you have no idea how carefully he may have been stalking you in terms of finding ways to get details if you're living close enough together that your daughters are at the same school. Also, if the sister is only a year or two older - what if she stays to do a levels?

Does Lizzie know why you are no contact with her dad? I assume she has some idea as otherwise it would be weird he's just disappeared. Because I think assuming that's the case, you need to tell her your concerns and involve her in the decision making.

Before you do any of that however, I'd talk to the school.

You should move her and change her last name if she agrees. You will never relax if there is a chance of her finding out/getting in contact with any member of his family.

I wouldn't tell her at this stage as she's too young to know what to do with the info, and might try and approach his older daughter, which would likely result in a huge knock-back. The age difference between the 2 girls is enough that they would be highly unlikely to cross paths naturally, plus it's only for a few more months anyway.

Even if Robert attended the school for something while your daughter was there, he'd never know it was her unless he saw you there too. Are any other children of his that you know of older than yours, so no others would join the school in future?

Tbh my only concern would be that he's clearly in the local area and you could run into him any time when you're out with your daughter.

@Jinx1290

Daughter currently has my maiden name. However, it has been discussed and she would be happy to change her name over. We've also talked about adoption so she is legally the responsibility of my husband too. Ie, any and all parental rights are stripped from Bio father. I was concerned he'd be notified so haven't pursued this yet.

Honestly, I've just kind of thrown my head in the sand when it comes to Robert. Ignorance is bliss as they say. As others have said I do need to address this, I'm just glad I wasn't being unreasonable in my train of thinking re her wellbeing/safety alongside my own.

Is Robert on her birth certificate? If not then I don't think he'd be notified, but if he is then you are right and he would have to sign something to give up his rights.

Also depends on your circle OP - is he still in contact with anyone who might give him info about you (ie, your daughter's name and school)?

I think the chances of running into him at secondary school are almost nil, since it's not like primary where parents wait at the gates and attend nativities etc. Parents evening I guess, but being in different years groups that would likely be on different days anyway, if he even attends.

Have they been at school all this time without knowing? If so just leave it and then tell her about her Dad after her sibling has left.

How much does she know? At 13 your DD is old enough to know more about her background in an age appropriate way. I'd start there, a serious but not overly detailed conversation about the fact that her bio father lives in the area and as she gets older and more independent, she will meet more and more people she may meet people who know him. Then based on her reaction either stop it there or go further into detail. At least this way if Robert or someone from his family makes the connection she'd not completely blindsided.

I'd say its unlikely that a late teen girl knows the maiden name of her dad's ex girlfriend but given the history and court case its not inconceivable. And equally parents tend to be less involved than at primary but again not inconceivable that the father would see the name in a school newsletter or something.

But if you live in the area, if its not school, it could be at an ECA or in the pub in a few years or something else completely random. So in fairness to Lizzie, she needs to be aware - as I say in an age appropriate way - and perhaps just basics now but building up over time.

However, in parallel I'd talk to the school as mentioned by other Posters. You need to work with them to find a balance between safeguarding your DD and letting her enjoy and thrive i high school. Ultimately if that's not going to be possible you may need to move schools but I'd say only with Lizzie's understanding and inclusion in the plans.

I would inform school. Inform Dd she has a sibling.. not necessarily mention she is at school.

As it is high school 16 and 13 year olds don't mix, parents evenings are different nights.

My ds has a half sibling who he doesn't see. I told him early on rather than finding out later in life

Oh gosh, this would be causing me continously sleepless nights.

If their paths cross at any time, it's extremely easy for him to figure out who she is.

Imagine they end up acquaintances through a club or something, his daughter mentions your daughter by name. "Oh I used to know a Lizzie, what's her surname?"

I'd have her out of there ASAP. I know you shouldn't have to run, but I absolutely would in those circumstances.

So Robert's daughter is in her last year of school? So unlikely to cross paths. You've been a bit daft here as you should have given her a social story like adoptees have so they know their story and that means nothing is a shock to them. Now you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Only you know your daughter and what she can handle.

How has this information suddenly come out?

I think she needs to know in an age-sensitive way, regardless of whether or not this is in the context of her moving schools (which I think is a separate decision, or should be) -- I think a teenager would find it difficult to forgive a parent withholding such a lot of information about her own past and her other parent, so do it for the sake of preserving your relationship with your DD.

There are 2 issues here aren't there?

1. whether to tell your dd
2. how to protect your dd

Re (2) I think you should consult a solicitor. I also agree that if you can move your dd to another school, you should .

If you can't move her then in addition to speaking to a solicitor you absolutely must explain the situation to the school. A letter from solicitor might be helpful here.

I agree that if you could avoid telling your dd anything until she's a bit older then that would be the most desirable thing,however given the risk to her safety and yours I think you have to consider an age appropriate explanation. Is she mature enough not to talk to friends at school about it?

And yes, I would look at her changing her surname .

You need to act quickly. First step is solicitor.

I wouldn’t move schools, or move away. That is a massive upheaval, and is effectively punishing Lizzie for her father’s actions. There is a slight possibility they may meet each other in passing, but I would say that the possibility of him getting enough access to her to get his hooks into her seems vanishingly rare.

I had a baby with an abusive man. He lives down the road- we drive past his house twice a day. He doesn’t see our son, who is now 11, and who now has 4 half siblings (from 3 different women).DS found out his name because one of his old schoolmates lived next door to his dad, it’s an open secret and 9 year olds generally aren’t discreet. But I’ve always been honest in an age appropriate way about his dad anyway.

A couple of years ago the mother of his two eldest DC got in touch, as he had been accused of sexual assault by the mother of one of his other DC, and she had taken on the job of contacting some of his other exes to see if we wanted to talk to the police about it (I did. It never went to court, because when the fuck does it ever? 🙄). We talked about DS meeting his half siblings- who ARE in contact with their dad, but in her opinion their view towards me and DS have been so poisoned by their father (as well as other psychological damage he has inflicted on them) that it would be better to wait until they are older, which sounds fair enough.

If DD wasn't even born last time OP saw Robert then would he even know her first name? Depending on whether he has any joint acquaintances, he may not.

I honestly wouldn't tell her at 13, it's so much to take in and it really might make her want to reach out to her sister, which is the very last thing you want.

She knows that she has a bio dad somewhere and has as yet chosen not to inquire. One day she will but I'd wait for that.

I'd probably inform the school just so that they can try and make sure there is never a chance you may cross paths at plays/clubs etc. But I really don't think a yr11 and yr8 (I guess) would become friendly enough to unearth this secret themselves, and parents don't really cross paths much at secondary level.

@LittleMysSister if OP found out about the sister there must be some joint acquaintances surely?

[quote girlmom21]@LittleMysSister if OP found out about the sister there must be some joint acquaintances surely? [/quote]
Good point!

Actually, one thing I wanted to flag up, to add to my post above: if he’s anything like my ex you may want to keep an eye out for “flying monkeys”. Other parents suddenly getting super, inexplicably friendly and insistent that Lizzie go round to hang out with their kids, when they’re not necessarily the same age/ are already friends/ have interests in common. He may even manipulate his other DD into that, so just keep an eye out for “new friends” that seem a bit pushy/ inexplicable.

Do Robert and his partner have any younger children?

I would have though that is likely and therfore they will turn up at the same school.

If that is the case, move schools.

If not, and she only has 1 year to go (this year or this year plus next year?) then I wouldn't move schools.

I think you do need to tell dd. Even if school turns out not to be a problem, she has the right to know.
I also think you should be very factual and clear. The reason she has never seen him is because there is a restraining order against him, after he stabbed you in the stomach and beat you up.
This is not parental alienation, it is factual and she needs to know.

You have two options - tell her or omit the knowledge. There are pros and cons to both.

Tell her - you continue to be honest with her, you prepare her for any possible interaction and you risk her gaining interest.

Don’t tell her - she carries on being blissfully unaware, she may never interact with her but it may come out and she may be more hurt in the long run.

If possible I would move her, I would also tell her. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for and it’s easier she hears it from you than from the boy in french who says his sister is best friends with your sister and she says you’re mum’s a psycho.

I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you and there is no right or wrong thing to do. What does your husband think?

@Jinx1290

Daughter currently has my maiden name. However, it has been discussed and she would be happy to change her name over. We've also talked about adoption so she is legally the responsibility of my husband too. Ie, any and all parental rights are stripped from Bio father. I was concerned he'd be notified so haven't pursued this yet.

Honestly, I've just kind of thrown my head in the sand when it comes to Robert. Ignorance is bliss as they say. As others have said I do need to address this, I'm just glad I wasn't being unreasonable in my train of thinking re her wellbeing/safety alongside my own.

So at the moment does he have PR? If so you would need the court to agree to remove his PR before she could be adopted by your partner.

Otherwise Robert would need to agree to his PR being removed. I doubt someone so evil would do that

Where you aware you’ve continued to live near him? Honestly, if that was me, I’d have moved to an entirely new part of the country I think! Or at the very least, well away from him within reasonable distance of my family.

He must live really close by which is really concerning given his past history 😕 you say you’ve heard this & that about him so you must have some contacts linking back to him which means he has contacts linking back to you & your daughter. He may well know where you live. What her name is & what your maiden name is. His child may have friends with younger siblings in your daughters year. It doesn’t take much.

Honestly, I’d move well away from him & where you live. But I appreciate that’s a huge thing to do. I’d probably talk to your daughter as you mention the older child having siblings who I assume might rock up at the high school as well!

@LittleMysSister

Is it not likely he would at least be aware of Lizzie's name via the court process, or the stalking?

[quote DumplingsAndStew]@LittleMysSister

Is it not likely he would at least be aware of Lizzie's name via the court process, or the stalking?[/quote]
Yes true, I was thinking because OP's daughter wasn't yet born when it kicked off that he may not have even for to know her name, but he definitely could via that angle if DD is named in the restraining order.

I still do think though even if he did know her name, he's had many years to try and get in touch or see her and it seems like he hasn't, despite clearly living in the same area? It sounds like OP has only discovered he has a daughter at the same school by chance.

So I probably wouldn't tell DD or move her school under these circumstances. I potentially would inform the school, but even then I'm not too sure what they'd need to do as the girls are such different ages and likely never cross paths.

I think I'd be more concerned about bumping into him locally, since he must live pretty close to be in the same school catchment.