How to help boy with no opinions / interests

[cosmosforall]

So my partners 10 year old boy, year six has no opinions on anything. From what he wants to do for the day when he is here, what to eat, what he did at school, what he wants for Christmas, what he wants to read, every question is answered with 'I don't know' and a shrug of the shoulders.

He is a very quiet boy. Polite and no trouble. But I worry that he is just existing. He has no hobbies, interests, is not a member of any clubs or out of school activities.

I'm asked him what he does at his mothers at a weekend and they watch films, he plays fortnite with his friends and kicks a footballl in the garden. So I said is that what you would like to do here and got a I don't mind.

I am used to more vocal, active, interested children.

Is there anything I can do to encourage opinion and engagement?

Just to clarify his father is just as interested in finding if we can do anything and we both know it's his reposnsibilty etc etc. But we like to approach blended parenting together.

No! Why on earth would you want to? If he's happy as he is let him be. He sounds like my youngest. He's older and his interests are pokemon and dogs. He doesn't spout forth opinions but he's one of the loveliest people I know. That's not just maternal bias speaking.

I'd just carve out the time to introduce him to some stuff.

Play dobble, try rummikub, teach him how to play cards. Take him to a tennis court and hit balls together, take him to see a football match/ rugby match/athletics/whatever.

Take him to a museum, buy some basic art supplies and draw together.

Take him swimming, take him to a Christmas market, the cinema, choose a cake to make and make it together.

Maybe it's too wide of a question. Maybe you need to offer a couple of choices so he can choose one.

I don't if he is happy. But how can you tell a) if he is happy and b) that there isnot something else he wants to do. If you get no feedback.

Also it's not good for any child to be doing fortnite for two days so we need some alternatives

they watch films, he plays fortnite with his friends and kicks a footballl in the garden So he does have interests.

He's probably picked up on the fact that you are used to more vocal, active and interested children and feels rightly judged and uncomfortable. wtf

But doesn’t his father know what he likes and why he’s responding this way? Has he always said ‘I don’t mind’ to everything?

For instance, my mother taught me and my sisters that it wasn’t ‘polite’ to express an opinion, especially to an adult asking whether you wanted to do or have something — an American boyfriend of my aunt was incredibly frustrated with us as he kept offering treats and we kept saying, as we’d been taught, ‘I don’t mind’ to offers of going to the funfair or to the cinema. My mother prefers a shy, wallpaper-type child.

But surely your DP will know about whether his son’s attitude is long-seated, or new? Have you been living with him for long? Is the ten year old respond8ng to a new situation?

@IReallyCan

they watch films, he plays fortnite with his friends and kicks a footballl in the garden So he does have interests.

He's probably picked up on the fact that you are used to more vocal, active and interested children and feels rightly judged and uncomfortable. wtf

Or that is absolutely possible.

@JuneOsborne

Yes we have done things like that. And he will play games and go on walks etc but if you ask him what he would like to do he just shrugs or if he enjoyed it. So I now just say come in we are doing xyz. But feel somehow that without an opinion of no that's boring or that was so exciting we are going through the motions.

Maybe I just have to assume he's ok!

How long have you known him? In my experience, most boys of that age will clam up and disengage if an adult is interviewing them.

His father must be able to suggest some things to do together if he's known him all his life? Why not suggest he has a friend over, take them to a theme park, AirHop, or something?

I expect he's being resistant to his dad having a partner and your efforts to do this "blended parents" thing.

Give him time. Just because he's not opening up, doesn't mean he doesn't have opinions or interests. He's just not sharing them which is fine.

@IReallyCan

I know. I worry about this all the time. And try my hardest to not express my discomfort at not knowing what to do.

What would you do? Make descions for him, not ask him for his preference?

I Genuinely am open to advice / ideas etc

You seem caring and invested in helping him which is lovely. However, it might help him if he did something with just his dad 1 to 1 sometimes? If he likes football, just a kick about in the park and McDonald's would do.

He's just getting to the age where it's not cool to be hanging out with his parents, so encourage him to see his friends from school, have a friend over.

So to answer some of the questions

Yes he has always been like this. But as he gets older is more noticeable.

I have been with his father for three 3yrs. Known his son for 2 years. Partner moved in 1 year ago. He has
Custody one night a week and two weekends a month.

His father thinks the same as I do. We
Both don't interview him or force him to do anything. We just want him to be happy. But it's difficult to tell or know when you get a shrug or a I don't mind.

Also we have said he can have friends over - but he does not seem interested. Happy to see them at school and in fortnite.

He spends a lot of time with his dad alone as I know they both need that.

What sort of things have you been doing on the weekends?

I wonder if he's just not quite himself when he's there? Does he have siblings at home?

I used to have to go to my dad's and his wife's house for dinner every friday from the age of about ten.

I always felt uncomfortable and hated having to join in conversations. I was much happier at home with all my siblings, my mum and step dad.

That's not a criticism of you at all, it sounds as though you're trying your best to help him enjoy his visits.

Can you start off with just giving him clear alternatives. Today we can go to a museum or go to the park; tomorrow we can go swimming or to the cinema; for tea tonight you can have sausages or spaghetti bolognase.
If I've understood your post correctly, he's only been spending weekends at your house for a year and during much of that time we have been under various restrictions which have limited what can be done at weekends. My DC are a similar age and I've noticed that they struggle with what they want to do at weekends. They have grown up massively in the 18mths plus that Covid has been part of our lives and have gone from loving trips to the park to having outgrown it whilst also completely exhausting their previous love of walks, movie nights and board game afternoons as, for months, that was all they could do.

@cosmosforall

So to answer some of the questions

Yes he has always been like this. But as he gets older is more noticeable.

I have been with his father for three 3yrs. Known his son for 2 years. Partner moved in 1 year ago. He has
Custody one night a week and two weekends a month.

His father thinks the same as I do. We
Both don't interview him or force him to do anything. We just want him to be happy. But it's difficult to tell or know when you get a shrug or a I don't mind.

Look, you sound lovely and invested in all this, but I’m still baffled as to why his father doesn’t seem to have more insight into this? Doesn’t he talk to his ex about what their son is like at home now, or whether it only happens in your house?

Did your DP move in with you when you started living together? It does sound possible, as someone said above, that he’s uncomfortable and feeling like a visitor in a strange house, and is trying to not be any trouble, meaning he withdraws into shrugs and not having an opinion.

@SmileyClare

I think that maybe you are right. He's just more comfortable at his mums, where he has lived all his life, spends most of his time. Mum does not have a new partner. So it's all very safe and familiar.

Not sure where that leaves his Dad and what we can do to make him more comfortable here. Other than not place demands on him and be gentle I guess.

Leave him alone. He's doing what he wants.

Maybe he just likes quiet time at home. I used to hate being dragged out on trips etc as a child. I did enjoy them some of the time, but given a choice, I would have been happier pottering about at home, reading, drawing, crafting and so on. Your worries about him are clearly coming from a place of concern and kindness, but they may be misplaced. Try some more low-key home-based activities - you might find them more successful?

What hobbies and interests does he see his father engage in? Are you/dad asking each other what you would prefer to eat or do or chatting to each other about your work and hobbies ? Children do pick up on what they see modelled by adults. I think it's quite normal for children that age to disengage from oldies and it might be quite oppressive for him to be stuck with the grown ups hovering all the time. A friend took up learning guitar and his son,who had shown no previous interest,quickly overtook him.

Wow, so your boyfriend only has his son eight days a month? Less than that since he’d be at school all day on the midweek day? That’s awful.

I have 2 boys so my suggestions would be;
Bike rides,
Geo caching,
Buy a make your own model rocket and launch it,
Make popcorn, watch a film together,
Watch a local football team play
Fishing,
Have a go on a golf driving range
Make Domino tracks
Wash the car together,
Make a small bonfire, toast marshmallows
Lego building
Painting a fence

I'm sure your relationship will get stronger over time. Don't worry too much if he's reserved and doesn't want to open up.

Mine were happy to do one or two activities at the weekend but also enjoyed lazing about at the weekend, watching tv, playing on the X Box and having time alone. Don't overload the lad with constant activities and trips out.

Try not to over analyse his apparent indifference to everything. He might just feel shy, a bit awkward in your home and too polite to give his opinion.

This kind of open ended question isn't giving him lots of choice, it's giving him all the responsibility. He isn't with you enough to feel he can dictate but probably knows you find him lacking.

You are the adults, take him to interesting places - ice skating, rock climbing, paddle boarding.

Also, fill a jar with ideas like baking, art, games etc. and pull one out when you are at a loose end.

Is there a possibility that he might find you and/or your way of doing things a bit intimidating? It sounds like your set up might be quite different than what he is used to

It might be (and I am just guessing) that he thinks it is mroe poltie to not impose on you. I was brought up that expressing opinons, displayin clear preferences etc was 'rude'. So he might just be trying to be really polite. Or he may not feel fully confortable with you yet (even though you have known him for a while).

I'd just think of great things to do and see if any of them rouse his interest. And be warm and accepting of him (which it sounds like you are being anyway).

*more polite