How to help boy with no opinions / interests

[cosmosforall]

So my partners 10 year old boy, year six has no opinions on anything. From what he wants to do for the day when he is here, what to eat, what he did at school, what he wants for Christmas, what he wants to read, every question is answered with 'I don't know' and a shrug of the shoulders.

He is a very quiet boy. Polite and no trouble. But I worry that he is just existing. He has no hobbies, interests, is not a member of any clubs or out of school activities.

I'm asked him what he does at his mothers at a weekend and they watch films, he plays fortnite with his friends and kicks a footballl in the garden. So I said is that what you would like to do here and got a I don't mind.

I am used to more vocal, active, interested children.

Is there anything I can do to encourage opinion and engagement?

Just to clarify his father is just as interested in finding if we can do anything and we both know it's his reposnsibilty etc etc. But we like to approach blended parenting together.

Seems more likely that he feels uncomfortable expressing his opinions and wishes. I would take it gently- he may have picked up on your exasperation and so feel even more uncomfortable.

Would suggest offering him a choice of two things- sausages or fishfingers, film A or film B etc. But don’t respond negatively if he still says he doesn’t know or mind- just easy-breazy reply, “I’ll do the fishfingers then” or whatever.

Nothing is more likely to make him clam up than extra pressure. It’s fine if he’s quiet and takes his time to feel comfortable speaking up.

Also consider how embarrassing everything is at that age. Imagine if you asked what he wanted to drink and he said lemonade and you didn’t have any? Total non-issue to an adult, humiliation for a 10yo. You need to make it easy and non-threatening for him to speak up, given that he doesn’t know you very well yet and probably spending time with his dad is a huge deal for him and therefore getting things wrong will seem 10x more worrying.

He’s told you his interests so I’d run with those.

Sorry, another thought- what console does he play fortnite on? Does he have one at your house? Might be an idea if it’s practical. Also if he likes gaming consider whether there are games he could play with you and/or his dad- it’s a nice, low-pressure activity, you sit side by side rather than face to face which makes it less intense, you can chat while you play, and he’s likely to be better at it than you so will feel confident.

Guitar and guitar lessons?
Or other musical instrument - keyboard?Always advisable to have lessons with it

Playing music in groups when he has mastered the basics is great for the quieter child

Thank you everyone. Some great ideas.

So we are going to offer alternatives, rather than open ended ideas. I love the idea of a jar of ideas -
Cos then it takes the pressure off as the jar has chosen! And we can take it in turns to pull out an idea so it's not all on him.

I also like the idea of him 'shadowing ' a hobby his dad might take up.

And I will chill out and let it organically develop!! Not my style but appropriate with him.

Again thank you.

Great. Hopefully your boyfriend will parent the boy a bit more than a few days a month. He must feel unwanted and rejected, seeing his father so little, glossing over it won’t help.

He DOES have interests: Fortnite, friends and football. Totally normal for his age.

Fortnite, friends and football are fairly common interests for his age group.
You could try what we do at the start of each holiday. Everyone has to write a place they'd like to go; someone they'd like to visit or spend time with; an activity we can all do together at home (eg lego; jigsaw; science set; make bath bombs; paint); a movie we can watch. Then we amalgamate the lists or discuss them and come up with a master list.

I was exactly like this with my dad, who I didn’t see every often and was shy around. It just sounds like he’s a little shy and trying to be polite. In the end my dad told me to stop saying “ok” to everything and I felt even more withdrawn.

I suggest you offer him two options and get him to choose between them. Once you get to know his preferences it will become easier and he’ll start to open up more.

*by the way, you sound like a really good step mum. You’re great for making so much effort to make him feel comfortable.