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Original poster

Would you deceive your husband by pretending to take the pill because you're desperate for another baby?

64 replies

BigBlueHat · 13/12/2007 20:39

theoretically speaking would anyone do this?

Has anyone out there done it? Or created an "accident"in some other way.

Just interested to know .......

OP posts:

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threestars · 13/12/2007 23:12

I wouldn't, but it did cross my mind at one point, because he decided he only wanted one child just after we lost our second (at 25 weeks). So I felt that not only had I then lost one child, I'd lost all potential children too.
But I knew that if I had 'tricked' him, I would be unlikely to get much support from him. We all go through difficult times looking after our babies and to have a partner just tell me 'well it was you who wanted the 2nd child' would have been difficult to deal with. I'd also be asking him to financially support us too, through me being out of work to look after the baby. Plus of course we love each other, and have to respect each other's opinions.
Only through talking it over (and over and over), and evaluating how our lives have improved since having our first child, and that very few people regret having a child as opposed to not having a child, did we decide together to give it one more attempt. If it fails, then no more attempts. I'm pregnant again now and keeping my fingers crossed. But I could not have done it behind his back as it had the potential to put the future in jeopardy.
However, my friend's mum did 'trick' her husband and indeed her doctors (doctors had told her not to get pregnant again as it would put her own health at risk). He was very worried, but accepted it ok (as far as I know anyway).

unknownrebelbang · 13/12/2007 23:13

No.

missgriss · 13/12/2007 23:17

My gran did it. Dont think my grandad ever realised that was the reason my mum is here though

I personally wouldn't.

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ggirlsbells · 13/12/2007 23:20

despicable thing to do imo

Heathcliffscathy · 13/12/2007 23:21

no never

LadyOfTheHollyAndTheIvy · 13/12/2007 23:22

I couldn't trick DH but I when a woman yearns for a baby, it is unbearable to be told no.
DH and I have recently dicussed no.3 and one minute he is all for it, the next he is not.
My coil is out and he knows that but is not taking any precautions himself....

PussinWellies · 14/12/2007 13:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

NAB3littlemonkeys · 14/12/2007 13:55

No, no and no.

A really bad idea and very disrespectful to your partner and the future baby.

Wrong on all fronts.

NAB3littlemonkeys · 14/12/2007 13:57

I even think asking him to use preventative measures if he doesn't want another baby is sneaky as most men are led by desires and aren't going to stop to put a condom on.

NomDePlume · 14/12/2007 13:58

Horrible idea.

Anna8888 · 14/12/2007 13:59

I think it depends on the relationship.

I know lots of women who've done this when they met Mr Right and didn't want him to get away - and are now happily settled with baby no 2.

Lots of men hum and hah about children but are thrilled when put in front of the fait accompli.

TheIceQueen · 14/12/2007 14:01

No way!!

DS1 was planned

DS2 was talked about, but we weren't going to try for him for another 2yrs or so

DS3 was totally unplanned - I was desperate for a 3rd, DH didn't want anymore - we forgot to use protection one drunken night and I fell pg with DS3......the problems getting pregnant totally unintentionally caused were bad enough, but if he'd been conceived because I'd deliberately deceived DH it would have been disastrous.

CarmenerryChristmas · 14/12/2007 14:05

Dp has 5 children, only dd (3.10) with me. He would love another baby, I wouldn't. If there was some way that he could trick me and did, our lives together would be over.

BroccoliSpears · 14/12/2007 14:06

Nope. But I did tell DP that I was fed up of his humming and hawing and that we WERE GOING to have a baby. ("Now get upstairs and take your trousers off ")

I felt our relationship was quite strong enough, and that I knew him well enough to decide for him. Is that dreadful? I was right though - a more besotted and devoted father you couldn't hope to meet. Now cheerfully expecting number 2. He'd still be humming and hawing now if I hadn't taken the initiative.

Blu · 14/12/2007 14:09

No.
The many many threads on here by people who are newly pg and distressed because their DH's are not happy indicates that it not a course whch brings happiness anyway.
It reduces men to breeding machines rather than fathers and partners.

TheIceQueen · 14/12/2007 14:13

very true Blu - DS3 genuinely was an "accident" - however DH found out early in my pg with him that I'd told friends that I wanted another - and it took a LONG time before he stopped accusing me of "planning" the whole thing (he may still think it now? I don't know - but he's not mentioned it for a long time so we've got past that hurdle).

I can't even imagine what his reaction would have been if I "had" planned it and found out later!!

PortAndLemonaid · 14/12/2007 14:54

I disagree, NAB (well, obviously I do, as I was the first one to suggest it). I get side-effects from hormonal contraception and don't fancy the heavy periods and various other things about the non-hormonal coil. If we were in the situation where I actually wanted another child I don't see why I should have to put myself through side-effects, etc., because DH was allegedly "led by desires".

Nor do I see why it's unreasonable to expect a man who doesn't want any more children to remember that fact just before having sex but so much more reasonable to expect a woman who does want more children to remember to do something to stop herself having them every single day (and at exactly the same time every day if on the mini-pill).

Sneaky would be claiming that you don't want children but are incapable of doing anything about it because you have "desires".

As it happens it's entirely hypothetical in our case, because DH is if anything slightly more inclined towards more children than I am. But when we both agree that our family is complete then contraception is going to be his problem, whether that be the snip or something else (perhaps the much-heralded male pill will actually be available by then). I am emphatically done with hormonal contraception.

Lazycow · 14/12/2007 15:38

NAB3 I disagree entirely with that too.

The reality is if your partner is adamant he doesn't want children ever again he has some very clear choices including a vasectomy.

I think a woman saying they will leave precautions to the man in that situation which I assume includes the use of condoms then that NOT the same as deliberately forgetting to take the pill but not saying anything about it.

AwayInAMunker · 14/12/2007 15:41

No. But I don't take the pill anyway.

But I would persuade him in other ways - and may start doing so soonish

scorpio1 · 14/12/2007 15:43

i would never ever do this. ever.

i wanted db3 for at least 18mths - dp was adamant no baby, it totally broke my heart. but i waited, and respected his right to choose to become a parent.

he later 'agreed' and im now 23 weeks pg. he is over the moon now! i couldnt have a baby on purpose and then expect him to treat me the way he does now, he looks after me now.

btw i do think some men (and my dp has done this with me) know that you are not using hormonal contraceptive but have still not used condoms. dp was caught up in the moment, i even mentioned it. but no pg resulted from that naughty night.

AwayInAMunker · 14/12/2007 15:43

NAB, completely disagree with that - aren't men responsible for their actions, then? Why should a woman have to take hormones because her partner can't control himself?

Pinkchampagne · 14/12/2007 15:43

No never! I had two geniune accidental pregnancies & they were tough times - there is no way I would ever plan to be in a situation like that.

lennygirl · 14/12/2007 15:43

Message withdrawn

OverMyDeadStuffedTurkey · 14/12/2007 15:45

No, never!That's deceptive and horribly horribly disrespectful of the other person.

JingleBelgoHoHoHo · 14/12/2007 15:46

Brocollispears - my dh has also needed just a little push in all the major decisions in our lives - buying a house, getting married, how many children to have. Like you say,I know him better he knows himself

But he is certainly responsible enough not to be led solely by physical desires.

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