New baby and abroad wedding

[IrnBruAndTwiglets]

I'm hoping to draw on some mumsnet wisdom, any advice would be much appreciated!

My DSis is getting married abroad in the summer and has asked me to be bridesmaid, I'm over the moon to be asked to be part of their big day and excited to get a week away in the sun too. The plan was for me, DP and nearly 3yo DD (who's a flower girl) to go for a week and stay in a villa with the wedding party.

However...I've just found out I'm pregnant and due 6 weeks before the wedding. We're thrilled but it's thrown me into a spin. My options seem to be:

1. We all go. I book to register baby asap after birth and try and get a passport in time. Book the flights for the 4 of us and keep fingers crossed that baby and I are well and fit to travel. Tell myself that newborns are portable, I can wear baby in a sling/keep them in the shade with DP and I can BF baby throughout the day.

1. I go alone with DD. I try and get baby to take bottles so DP can do feeds. I'd need to go for 2 nights, the night before and night of the wedding. I'd get the latest flight available out and earliest back.

DP is leaning towards option 2. He thinks 1 sounds like a stressful nightmare with managing to keep baby cool in the heat, baby crying for feeds or me during the ceremony and we'd have the extra cost of our own accommodation so we don't keep the bridal party up during the night in their villa. Plus the thought of flying with a toddler, newborn and all the extra things the wee one would need like a pram/car seat.

I know me going with DD is simpler, logistically easier and cheaper but I remember how I was with her when she was new and tiny - she was a limpet and equally I didn't want to put her down. I try to imagine leaving them even for a couple of days at that stage and it goes against my instincts.

Not going isn't an option, she's my only sibling and we're really close. I have to go, it's just making it work. Sorry for the long OP - thanks for bearing with me.

WWYD?

Can DP go abroad with you but not go to the actual wedding? That way you have him and the baby close by and you can still see them but you don't have the stress of minding the baby on the wedding day. Maybe you could just stay in the villa the night before and of the wedding and stay in a hotel close by with your family for the other nights?

We're going to Mexico for a holiday with our 12 week old in January. I live in Ireland not the UK but the waiting time for our babies passport is 10 weeks, good thing we registered for it when he was just 6 days old! I don't know what waiting times are like there but it's something to consider.

It's a difficult choice isn't it, I can understand why you're struggling to choose.

Are you still thinking of being a Bridesmaid?

Ok, just some thoughts that you dont have to answer, but might be worth thinking about.
If baby is born at 42 weeks, that gives you a month to get a birth certificate followed by a passport. Is that realistic?
Given a free choice, and no wedding, would you choose to ff or bf? I'd think going away for 2 nights with a 4-6 week old baby would be the end of bf.
Where is the wedding? Somewhere you are happy to take an unvaccinated baby?
Can you talk to your sister about what's going on, or will that cause problems?

I would be careful about option 2 if you are EBF. I read about someone who did similar that early on after building up milk supply and suddenly stopping led to severe PND. I think it would be easier if you all went to be honest. Either that, or don't go at all. That's what i would do tbh.

Re getting a passport in time - it can be done. DD was 2 weeks late, we were visiting family abroad for Christmas so she was just 4 weeks when we went. Honestly it was fine; I had a fairly straightforward birth albeit with a nasty tear. But it was actually lovely spending some time together and introducing her to the whole family. It was a 7hr drive (+2hr ferry) - DP doesn't drive so I did all of it. DD was EBF too. If you want to go, it's definitely doable.

Tricky one. If it’s one or the other I think you need to all go and just make it work when you’re out there. If you’re super organised re birth registration and passports it’s doable even if baby arrives at 42 weeks.

I had naively planned to go on a work trip on the west coast of US when DC1 would have been 9 weeks. They came at 42 weeks and I was still a leaking, crying mess at 7 weeks and we had all sorts of issues with bf that meant there was no way I could have coped with that plus sleep deprivation with jet lag on top. I cancelled the trip.

With DC2 a similar trip at that age would have been much more feasible. He was a better sleeper and feeder and generally a more settled baby. I mean, it would have been hard work and not much fun, but doable.

I think it’s far too young for you and your baby to be separated. Plus, what if you are delayed by flights, strikes, covid quarantine? There’s no way I’d consider leaving a month-old baby for anything but an absolute emergency. Your baby will miss you immensely, and I’m sure you’ll feel the same. It’s too young.

I’d book flights and plan to try to go. I would not be a bridesmaid- too much to deal with.

Option 1. We registeredDD the week she was born and managed to get a passport really quickly. Good luck!

I’d also add a caveat with the invitation acceptance: baby is ok to travel, you’ve recovered enough, no c-section, you can say no if it feels overwhelming or too stressful.

I think it's too much, too soon, but if I had to choose, it would be option 1. You all go or none of you go. There is no way I would travel to a different country whilst my baby is just six weeks old, and the fact that you're going to be breastfeeding makes that plan even more absurd.

I’d be doing option 3 and not going to the wedding.
I’d spend the money I’d save on booking something amazing to do with my sister to make up for it.

Important people in your life not being able to attend your wedding is part and parcel of getting married abroad.

I would not separate from a newborn during the 4th trimester for anything short of medical emergency or disaster.

I do think not going should be on the table. It’s really not feasible, but if you must go, I would bring the baby.

Does the villa have a/c?

Option 3. You all go, DH hangs out with baby in a/c and texts you for feeds.

Not in a million years would I leave a tiny baby at that age.

Just as an aside, DD was almost three weeks late and a c-section. I wouldn't have been able to go.

option 3 has to be not to go

I know that is an awful thought but 6 weeks post due date I had a less than 4 week old, and had not left the house other than for medical appointments. You don't plan for these post birth issues but they can happen.

I would do option 1 above option 2 but both feel really stressful. X

All of you go or none. You book everything with the possibility of refund. Your sibling makes a plan for you not coming.

I think you would struggle to leave your baby for 2 nights/3 days tbh.

I'd plan for option one and if you don't get the baby passport through it will be option 2!

Also, some registry offices are still catching up with the backlog from Covid. The waiting time to register your baby is weeks for some cities.

You have to be really careful about flying within 6 weeks of having a baby due to the risk of DVT/PE.
If you do fly, remember it is the return flight that is the most risky, ask your midwife about thromboprophylaxis.

I’m another one who would decline and do an amazing celebration of some kind with your sister when she gets back. And I love my sister and I was her bridesmaid so I understand why that is hard. But I think it’s by far the best option for you and your baby, who are the most important people at that point.

But if you are absolutely sure that you want to go, I would take the baby. 6 weeks was my daughter’s prime cluster feed moment, there is no way I could have been apart from her without stopping breast feeding and being very uncomfortable and emotional.

Do you have to be away 2 nights?

I went to my brother’s wedding when EBF PBF was 8 weeks old. However it was in a major European city, so easy to fly out on the first morning flight, attend ceremony and lunch, then fly back skipping the evening party. Pumped while I was there, and the baby was fed with the stash I had built up at home. Was a total nightmare to be honest, I really didn’t enjoy the day - wanted to be snuggled up with my newborn - but DB was really pleased I was there and no ill effects on breastfeeding so overall it was the right thing to do.

Definitely option 1.
Newborns are so easy. At 6weeks they sleep and feed anywhere.
I wouldn't want the pressure and stress of trying to get the baby to bottle feed and then having to keep my supply up by pumping. You may as well just have the baby with you. It will be more relaxing. Also for your newborn to be separated from you during the all important 'fourth trimester' - I would find that so hard.

I've taken all of mine abroad from 10-12 weeks old and it's most definitely the easier time to take them. Once they start crawling it's a lot harder.

Realistically, if you were to go 2 weeks overdue, need a couple of nights stay in the hospital, then a two-three week wait for a registration appointment, you’re looking at having a week to send off and get the baby’s passport back.
It just sounds so stressful and last minute.

I would go for option 3 as well.

But, if it absolutely has to be done, option 1

It's honestly easier travelling when they're young babies. My first trip with ours was at 8 weeks old for an unavoidable reason. It was absolutely fine