So overwhelmed with new baby

[Belle131]

My little boy is coming up to 10 weeks old and I am having such a hard time. Because of COVID I couldn't do an antenatal group and I'm feeling so isolated in terms of not having other mums to share knowledge and support.

I had a stressful pregnancy, from the initial shock (I didn't think I could get pregnant so was a big emotional adjustment) to having pprom at 21 weeks and the baby having an anomaly with one of his arteries in the 20 week scan. After resealing, my waters broke before contractions at 38 weeks and I had a 48 hour traumatic labour involving a failed induction where the epidural also hadn't worked, baby in distress and emergency c section. I then had pph and was readmitted with sepsis 2 days later.

After getting home recovery was difficult and my baby fed every 2 hours but was easy to put down in between so I felt I was just about managing and I loved him so much. Then at about 3 weeks he started getting more and more distressed during and after feeds. We have since been on a stressful path with issues with reflux and alternating diahorrea and constipation. We have seen pediatritions, cranial osteopath, tried medications, pretty much everything. I've found the pressure of making decisions in what to try really excruciating as I have no idea what's normal for a baby and how to look after him and everyone has a different opinion.

On top of that, his sleep is awful. I think a lot due to his digestive issues. He doesn't even co sleep well. Myself and my husband spend the night in shifts while he sleeps on us and continually trying to put him down for him to writhe around immediately after. We sometimes get a 3 hour stretch from around 7pm. My friends babies seem to be getting easier and my baby is getting harder. I feel worse and worse each day. During the day he cries a lot, sometimes I look at him and speak to him and smile and he cries, which hurts my feelings. The small moments we get where he does smile and coo I can't enjoy for sheer exhaustion. All I do is cry and wish for my old life back. I don't think I can do this and I worry that life will be one relentless stress after another. I don't feel bonded to him anymore and any opportunity for my husband to take him I go with, then I feel so guilty. My husband isn't working at the moment and I am barely coping, I wonder how on earth I will manage when he starts working. The days I have had on my own I've barely managed to go to the toilet, my friend is somehow managing weeks at a time on her own and going to baby classes etc. I feel like such a failure.

My friends also talk about knowing their babies different cries etc. I haven't figured this out at all and feel so out of my depth with knowing what he needs. He doesn't even have hunger cues like lip smacking, just goes straight to crying. I never know why he is upset and the constant guess work is so hard.

He's currently writhing on me over half an hour after feeding and I know I won't sleep tonight. I've cut out dairy and soy from my diet and I feel really physically run down for lack of food, stress and lack of sleep. I just can't see at the moment how this will ever get better

Congratulations on your baby! Reading this post reminded me of where I was just weeks ago. I know people all say it, but it does get better!

Are you still using the medication? For us DS is on Omeprazole and Neocate milk and after 8 weeks on both he is a different baby, which has literally changed in the past 2-3 weeks (he's 14 weeks now).

I can echo all of your concerns like not knowing the difference cries and having no cues. For us DS was just so unhappy and my wife and I felt we were trapped down a well with no escape. Sleeping was terrible like yours and we couldn't put him down (I've posted here on MN about it) but now he's greatly improved.

Persist with the medication if you're happy to and just try to remember it won't last forever like this. Time will make things better.

I don’t have a baby (due jan) but wanted to say you are absolutely not a failure op! I think you should stop comparing to your friends as all babies are different and you might have a tricky baby but a fabulous 14 year old and they might have an easy baby but an absolute terror at 2- I’m sure they are all different. So I think you are being hard on yourself- you’ve done an amazing thing and by all accounts you’ve faced & overcome lots of challenges already. I definitely think you should make sure your partner knows how you are feeling, and I wondered if you had any family who could come and stay to give you any relief for an hour here and there. Do you have a health visitor or any support like that? A local support group even. If not seek some out. Don’t worry that he cries when you talk to him- he is still so so young and this whilst hurtful for you is not the same as a 25 year old doing the same thing. I’m sending you a big hug and please don’t beat yourself up, you aren’t a failure- the opposite in my book xxxx

Cutting out dairy and soya is difficult I’m on year number 4 of being dairy and soya free due to cmpa babies. You do need to make sure you are eating enough though. There is a good selection of cook ready meals that are dairy free and also quite a few co op and Sainsbury’s ones. I ate a lot of ready meals in the early days. Baxter mediaterrian (sp) soup and lentil and bacon are dairy free. There are others.
Have you tried a dummy? My first just loved to comfort suck so it was essential. He gave it up no problems at 18 months.

Push the baby out for a good walk in the pram every day or get your dh to and you sleep or rest. It does get easier it’s about survival at this stage. I didn’t go to any baby classes with either of mine.

I don’t know if it’s helpful for you but you are at the peak crying stage and a lot of babies start to cry less and less from 3 months on. Regardless of that, you are doing a great job - just getting to the end of every day with both you and your baby still alive and well is a big achievement at this age! And some babies are definitely way easier than others! I didn’t do formal baby classes (one attempt at baby yoga was a disaster) but went to a play morning in a church hall quite often as it was completely informal and the people running it from the local church were lovely and would jiggle the baby while I had a coffee and a chat after a bad night. I don’t think I could have coped with anything more formal! Anyway, it does get better but if you feel like it isn’t, and your mental state gets worse, check in with your gp as post natal depression is not uncommon and is treatable

It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job.

It's mad that while we're recovering from pregnancy and birth (and you had a particularly bad time of it), that you have to keep a tiny baby alive at the same time. Even more so when you have an ill baby meaning you don't get the tiny amount of sleep that other new parents have. It would be weird if you didn't feel how you feel given everything you've been through and are coping with.

Ask for support from every available service, speak to health visitors and your GP and tell them exactly how you're feeling. They are there to help you. Open up to family and friends. They will likely be keen to offer practical support of they're able to.

There are (pricey) post-natal NCT courses I think, and a few other similar organisations so check them out.

I didn't do NCT either but baby groups are back on now. Have a look on happity or even just post in your local Facebook group and ask what's going on.

Walking outdoors was my saving grace. My Son cried virtually all the time when he was awake, I also had a long traumatic delivery and didn’t know at the time that it wasn’t normal to have around 10 healthcare professionals in the delivery room. At our post natal meet up, I broke down telling my story of the birth, which obviously flagged up possible PND and the Health Visitor spoke to me and called around to see me to check I was OK. My DH was around quite a lot during the first few weeks and I still can’t say whether he helped or not, I know we had a few arguments because we were so sleep deprived and didn’t know what to do. I woke middle of the night to find DH giving DS a bath, he said well he loves his bath and it stops him crying, so he had 2/3 baths a day and 4 walks each day. It is hard to distinguish different cries when they seem to just cry all the time.

I've just started using aptamil comfort formula for my baby and it's changed our life. He was crying for hours around feeds, now been a few days and hasn't cried at all, settled quickly and slept better.
Might be worth a try for you.

I would recommend getting help: a relative, friend or paid babysitter you can leave the baby with for 2 hours while you sleep/have a bath/go for a walk on your own. Even a very short time away from your baby can work wonders for your mental health. As does talking to someone in real life. It doesn't need to be a mum from an NCT class, just someone who isn't your DH!

You’re doing brilliantly, you really are. Easier said than done and I didn’t follow my own advice but try not to compare yourself to other mum friends. They might have an easy baby or just naturally enjoy the newborn stage more, or could be lying to themselves and you about how they’re doing. I had relatively easy DTs but I lied like a good un because I was drowning in pnd but was too scared to talk.

Just to ask - could you also have pnd? It could be worth having a chat with your HV or GP. There’s absolutely no shame in it, and I wish I’d sought help sooner but I was utterly convinced they would take my babies away from me because I was an unfit mother with no motherly instincts. They didn’t btw, all they wanted to do was help me once I spoke up. I started on ads and it changed my life - the world became colour again, I stopped agonising over every decision I made about my children (those instincts finally popped out!) and I positively looked forward to the next day rather than dreading it.

I’ve no advice on a baby who cries non stop and doesn’t sleep really, mine came with their own schedule. We had a euan the dream sheep which massively helped settle them both, and sometimes I did let my DD cry it out because that was literally what she needed to do (she was a bit older than yours from what I can remember!). She’s 3.5 now and still does it on occasion. If you feel your temper rising or it’s just too much to handle, it’s perfectly safe to put the baby down somewhere safe and walk away for a few minutes to gather yourself together before getting stuck back in.

I read it on here but “all fed, nobody dead” is an excellent mantra to live by. Kept me going whilst they were babies! and still does now to be fair The other one to remember is this is just a phase. The next phase you might find easier, or it might challenge you in a different way, but nothing lasts forever and it will stop eventually.

It might not feel like it, but you’ve got this. It will get better or at least different, and try to make sure that you look after yourself as much as you can. Good luck 🌺

If it makes you feel better OP, I couldn't have told you the difference between my baby DCs cries with either DC! I had one friend who could, but she seemed to be in the minority.

You sound really ground down. In your position I would firstly find a way to get a decent bit if sleep in, because everything is easier when you're not utterly drained. Some women go to bed with their babies super early (7pm), some have someone who can take the baby for a couple of hours in the day whilst you nap, I worked it by leaving the baby with DH downstairs from 10pm, and he'd bring her up at 1 or 2am when she wanted her next feed.
Do you have children's centres near you? Some areas have shut them, but we still have them here. I found it really tough with DC1, but getting out to a group/activity every day really helped and got me through TBH. I did a baby swimming class and my village playgroup once a week, then signed up for various groups and courses at the children's centres on the other 3 days. The stuff at the children's centres is subsidised so either free or very very cheap.
I'd also speak to your HV or GP about how you're feeling. The HV may be able to access certain support groups for you (mine did this for me with DC2 as well as had me fast tracked for counselling). My experience was they were keen to stop/help PND quickly before it escalated.

Word for word you have described the last 9 months of mine and my babies life. We've tried everything you've done. He still writhes and thrashes around all night. He never sleeps. No one has any answers. I had to go back to work early on and also study for some very intense professional exams. I haven't had more than 3 hours of consecutive sleep in 9 months.
I started taking sertraline while pregnant for perinatal depression which is I think why I have still bonded well with him despite everything. Would you consider trying antidepressants? Honestly without them I just wouldn't have the resilience I do.

I really struggled when my DS (now 8.5mo) was younger. Do ring your HV and GP to ask for help- that's what they're there for!

You are doing great op. The one thing I would add to what the posters above have said is add nuts to your list of foods to avoid. My last baby had terrible screaming cramps at night if I had eaten any nuts! None of my other children did this so I was completely unaware that it could be a link. The nut protein can pass through your milk and give them the constipation. He would poo once every 2 days where the others would be 2 hourly for months. Stick with it xx

Thank you everyone for your replies. I managed to get an hour or so broken sleep and now my husband has him downstairs while I try to unwind a bit. I have wondered about PND but to be honest it feels more like anxiety and exhaustion, I've tried taking antidepressants a long time ago when I was dealing with a death in the family and they gave me such awful side effects I couldn't take them, so don't think that's an option for me. My GP has been really good and has referred us to a pediatrician and a dietician so waiting for those referrals to come through, I think I do need to try cutting some other things out of my diet but it's so hard to know what to replace them with. We have also been prescribed neocate and we give him a bottle in the evening. For those who exclusively formula feed, how on earth do you navigate leaving the house if your baby gets hungry while you are out? These are all the things that confuse me, I don't understand about naps and routines and wake windows and gaps between feeds, my head just spins with it all and it makes me feel like I'm not doing the right things for my baby

I can guarantee that things will get better. In a years time you will look back and be shocked at how much your son has changed and again in 2 yrs time, 3 yrs time etc etc!

I hated the baby stage. It was such a shock to the system. Although it feels like you're living in a never ending nightmare at the moment, in the blink of an eye they're at school and this phase will be a distant memory.

Keep going, you're doing a great job. Try not to compare your baby to others. I did that and no good can come of it. This is an extremely brief period in your life, it's just that you can't see if when you're stuck in the thick of it.

Ok so formula feeding when out, just put the powder into 2/3 bottles and then you can either take your own flask of hot water to make up bottles on the go or any cafe/restaurant will happily give you hot water.

Re naps, to be honest in the early days we had no routine whatsoever. It would enrage me when people asked if we were in a good routine!

I exclusively breastfed for 4 months and it wasn't until I switched to formula that I was able to implement any kind of solid routine. Some babies will sleep anywhere, mine couldn't do this, he was far too nosey and wanted to take in his surroundings. So to guarantee regular naps we had to be at home and it had to be dark and quiet!

So from about 4 months old would usually have a morning nap from 9-10ish, then a longer one in the afternoon from about 1-3 and then bed by 7pm.

We got into a very rigid routine as I needed him to sleep otherwise he was a nightmare. Having said that, this routine reliably in place until he was about 6 months old. Prior to that it was just a case of get him to sleep by any means necessary. Mostly in the sling, or lying next to me, or in the car.

Please try not to give yourself a hard time. Your baby is only 10 weeks old and these things take time to implement!

I would prioritise finding a way to get a bit more sleep. My second child is 5wks old and I go to bed at 9ish while my husband stays up with the baby and does a dream feed at midnight. I find getting that chunk of sleep earlier in the night means I can handle any wake up. Full disclosure though, I’m no longer breastfeeding.

I use the pre-made formula when out and about. I take sterilised bottles in a zip-lock bag. Premade formula is 95p a bottle or thereabouts - not cheap but I find it easier that way.

Ps: I should have said that you are doing a great job - this stage is hard.

You're not failing at all! Firstly, be wary of friends making out they have everything sorted - they dont!
In a few months LO will be more upright and the reflux wont be such an issue! I felt the same as you - my LO is a few weeks older than you. You may want to speak with your GP you may have PND- i've just started treatment for that myself and understand how hard it is to identify it and ask for help.
Sending you lots of love and remember this too shall pass

Sorry you've had such a tough start you've been through so much so you are doing absolutely incredibly !
It's so hard but try not to compare to your friends babies / what they are doing. You do not need to do anything or go to baby groups etc etc. I couldn't leave the house for the first 3 months as my baby cried so much. It makes you feel awful like you're doing something wrong but you're not, some babies do really cry a lot more than others - but it does get easier in time even though it won't feel like that at the moment. I was the same as you couldn't even go to the loo or brush my hair those first few weeks and lots of my friends were meeting for coffees all day it made me feel crap but actually we just had very different babies and parented quite differently and it took me a long time to find my groove with it all.

Have you spoken to your gp about how you're feeling? Understandably it's really tough atm - but there is support out there that can make a real difference you don't have to suffer feeling like this on your own x

Ps sorry just read your update for it's worth speaking to gp about anxiety too as that can impact on mood - take care

My DD was exactly the same and it was hell on earth. It nearly broke me. I attempted suicide, in fact, and it's only because my HV turned up unexpectedly that I'm still here.

I can only tell you what I did which helped me:

1. Switched to 100% formula
2. Bought a Perfect Prep machine
3. Bought pre-made formula for when I was out (DD was eventually put on Nutramigen which is CMP-free and made with cold water but pre-made formula and the PP machine made life a lot easier up until then)
4. Contacted HomeStart - a volunteer came out once a week and took DD for a walk so I could get some sleep
5. Got DH to book one day a week off work so I got a break
6. Left her to cry for a few minutes when urgent (i.e. if I needed the loo, to make some food, stick a load of washing on, was about to lose my mind - she cried basically all the time so if I hadn't done this I would have gone mad)
7. Stopped trying to put her down for naps and cuddled her to sleep instead

Life got so much better when she was switched to CMP-free milk - she started sleeping a lot better and I was able to alternate night wakings with DH, which really helped. She's now almost 4, eats anything and everything and sleeps a solid 12 hours with no problems, and she's the love of my life. I promise you'll get there.

Op you need a break. Can your husband do one full night so you can sleep and then take naps the next day while you're on duty? One really good night of sleep can do a lot for your equilibrium and emotions and resilience. Others will have better ideas re reflux etc but ask your husband to watch him for one full night. Take a very long bath and tuck yourself into bed right afterwards and sleep for as long as you can. Definitely talk to your gp about pnd. You are going to be just fine, this will all pass.

OP, our DS is exclusively FF and is on Neocate, here's how we navigate going out...

Remember that Neocate is not like normal formula and should not be made with hot water (this would actually destroy some of the ingredients). It should be made with warm sterile water.

1. Sterilise bottles as needed

1. Boil the kettle with fresh water and leave to cool down.

1. Fill up however many bottles we need when out with the water (e.g, we'll pour up 2 bottles of 180ml if we think we'll need two feeds)

1. Measure out the Neocate powder into a formula containers (you can find a variety of these on Amazon or in boots)

1. When we need to feed, we pour the powder into the water and make up as usual. We normally warn up the water first using a flask or getting hot water from Costa for example.

Sounds like a faff but it's not that bad in reality. Hope that helps.