My little boy is coming up to 10 weeks old and I am having such a hard time. Because of COVID I couldn't do an antenatal group and I'm feeling so isolated in terms of not having other mums to share knowledge and support.
I had a stressful pregnancy, from the initial shock (I didn't think I could get pregnant so was a big emotional adjustment) to having pprom at 21 weeks and the baby having an anomaly with one of his arteries in the 20 week scan. After resealing, my waters broke before contractions at 38 weeks and I had a 48 hour traumatic labour involving a failed induction where the epidural also hadn't worked, baby in distress and emergency c section. I then had pph and was readmitted with sepsis 2 days later.
After getting home recovery was difficult and my baby fed every 2 hours but was easy to put down in between so I felt I was just about managing and I loved him so much. Then at about 3 weeks he started getting more and more distressed during and after feeds. We have since been on a stressful path with issues with reflux and alternating diahorrea and constipation. We have seen pediatritions, cranial osteopath, tried medications, pretty much everything. I've found the pressure of making decisions in what to try really excruciating as I have no idea what's normal for a baby and how to look after him and everyone has a different opinion.
On top of that, his sleep is awful. I think a lot due to his digestive issues. He doesn't even co sleep well. Myself and my husband spend the night in shifts while he sleeps on us and continually trying to put him down for him to writhe around immediately after. We sometimes get a 3 hour stretch from around 7pm. My friends babies seem to be getting easier and my baby is getting harder. I feel worse and worse each day. During the day he cries a lot, sometimes I look at him and speak to him and smile and he cries, which hurts my feelings. The small moments we get where he does smile and coo I can't enjoy for sheer exhaustion. All I do is cry and wish for my old life back. I don't think I can do this and I worry that life will be one relentless stress after another. I don't feel bonded to him anymore and any opportunity for my husband to take him I go with, then I feel so guilty. My husband isn't working at the moment and I am barely coping, I wonder how on earth I will manage when he starts working. The days I have had on my own I've barely managed to go to the toilet, my friend is somehow managing weeks at a time on her own and going to baby classes etc. I feel like such a failure.
My friends also talk about knowing their babies different cries etc. I haven't figured this out at all and feel so out of my depth with knowing what he needs. He doesn't even have hunger cues like lip smacking, just goes straight to crying. I never know why he is upset and the constant guess work is so hard.
He's currently writhing on me over half an hour after feeding and I know I won't sleep tonight. I've cut out dairy and soy from my diet and I feel really physically run down for lack of food, stress and lack of sleep. I just can't see at the moment how this will ever get better