I don’t drive

[Keri1986]

Hi everyone
I’m a FTM with a 3.5 month old girl. I’m really struggling to get out and about because I don’t/ can’t drive. I feel I can’t do much or go anywhere because if I do, it requires at least 2 trains or buses. It’s so difficult to get all the baby stuff ready and then walk to the station then wait for the train. I feel like every journey is a big palarva. At the same time I feel like just staying at home is harming her development and that she won’t get used to the environment outside of the house. She does cry when I take her anywhere and I find it so hard to deal with her when we are out and about. I’m so anxious about it all. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated.

I have 4 kids and don’t drive but live in London so a bit easier but still a pain, can you do lessons?

The more you do it the more both of you get used to it.
What area are you in that needs two trains and a bus?
Local churches/leisure centres do any classes round yours?

At 3.5 months old, not going on big trips will not be harming her development at all.

She does need a change of scenery and some fresh air, but a walk to the corner shop/to post a letter/round the block is fine.

She doesn't need classes or playgroup or anything at this point.

I would learn to drive!

It's of my friends did when they had babies. We didn't have a car with our first as skint and it was a pain got when he was about 6 and was a game changer. Especially for work.

I wouldn't be going out if it involved that much effort either.

It is hard getting out and about anyway with a young baby but particularly because you have to take 2 trains/buses to get anywhere.

Can you afford to learn to drive? It is absolutely life changing.

Do you live rurally? We're quite remote so I learnt to drive With ds2 but if you live within walking distance of a train station, do you have any other community facilities nearby? A library, village hall? Have a look at clubs and groups that you can walk to. Tbh I walked everywhere with ds1 (albeit in London) and it's all about timing. Feed, change, buggy, off you go. You don't need that much stuff, a changing bag under the buggy would do.

Also, at that age and in winter, don't put too much pressure on yourself. We went out every other day even if just for a walk, then some groups as he got older

I live in London and was OK not driving when oldest was tiny as I could still do a lot on the bus and tube, but learned before 2nd arrived as I imagined public transport would be harder with two.

If you're not somewhere with good public transport learning to drive is definitely worth it when you have kids to move around.

I can drive and have a car now, but didn't when DS was born (I got rid of the car during pregnancy as it wouldn't have been suitable for a baby seat anyway). It does depend where you live off course, but honestly just getting out in the fresh air is great- seeing the sights and sounds. Don't put pressure on yourself though that you should be doing x, y and z; do what you can but a loving home with their needs being met is more than enough at this age, they don't need zoos or whatever yet!

@NuffSaidSam

At 3.5 months old, not going on big trips will not be harming her development at all.

She does need a change of scenery and some fresh air, but a walk to the corner shop/to post a letter/round the block is fine.

She doesn't need classes or playgroup or anything at this point.

I was going to say exactly the same. Don't feel as though it's harming her for not doing classes or socialising her, she still so tiny and you are her world at this point.

Take her for little walks out and about, talk to her about anything and everything , sing to her and be with her that's all she needs atm.

I would look to learning to drive if finances permit as it will be easier to get about as she gets bigger and ready for more mixing and bring out ad about.

Not driving is completely feasible if you live somewhere with good transport. I lived in Stockholm and drove to the airport twice. The rest of the time was buses and buggies.
Either learn to drive or move somewhere with better transport, I’m afraid.

Is there anyway you can just do an intensive course? I had 16 lessons and passed back in 2015. Once you’ve done it, it’s done! Although it is expensive ☹️

I would move to somewhere where you can walk to something's or take one bus or one train tbh. I wouldn't cope with such an insular lifestyle with young DC if I were a SAHP.

I can't drive because of my eye sight. So it's a no go. I'd give anything to be able to. The thing is, it's more my anxiety that's stopping me. It's dealing with my crying baby out and about and if I m far away from home and have to get public transport to get home it just all seems a right faff. There is a train station and bus links. I live in Leeds so it is easy to get around. It's just my anxiety really about dealing with my baby whilst we are out and about.

Also, she does cry a lot so I find that so difficult

That’s just part of being a parent tbh, maybe stay local until you feel a bit more confident

Do not beat yourself up. 3.5 months is nothing and you absolutely do not need to be running around, giving her 'experiences'. She needs milk and cuddles and a clean bum.
That's it.
Really.
People managed with far less.
Do NOT buy into the stimulation stuff which is forced on FTPs. I've had 5 (I lived in Leeds for one of them). They're all fine. I could never drive. Don't worry..

Stay close to home for now while she's tiny. As she gets bigger, she'll cry less, she'll need fewer feeds and nappy changes etc. It will all get easier. Just don't put yourself through it now, it's unnecessary.

@Keri1986

I can't drive because of my eye sight. So it's a no go. I'd give anything to be able to. The thing is, it's more my anxiety that's stopping me. It's dealing with my crying baby out and about and if I m far away from home and have to get public transport to get home it just all seems a right faff. There is a train station and bus links. I live in Leeds so it is easy to get around. It's just my anxiety really about dealing with my baby whilst we are out and about.

Personally I know it limits where you can go as well, but maybe build confidence up by going for walks etc, things change quickly when they're little and you'll probably feel more comfortable on public transport when they're a few months older.

I live in London.

I used a wrap, baby carrier and sling 90% of the time when I was out and about with my DD on public transport. I simply learnt to carry less stuff.

I discovered quite quickly that the wheel chair space on buses was often in use so using a sling/carrier meant I always got on. In regards to trains, tubes and the overground very few stations have step free access so you have to rely on strangers helping you if you use a pram/pushchair.

I drive and still found a carrier useful when going to the supermarket for a large shop as it meant I didn't have to take the car seat out of the car or workout how to get the pram into the boot with shopping. Also when I visited relations and friends I didn't worry so much about how far I parked I just needed to be near a lamppost.

Where are you taking her to and what is in your immediate area?

Is there a local library or a church baby/ toddler group you can walk to? Library's often do baby bounce and rhyme once a week. If you're not sure you could ask on the local FB page as someone will know of something around.

Just go out for a walk? Do you live near parks? I wouldn’t take a baby on trains and buses because of the hassle with pushchairs. They won’t remember anyway. Do whatever makes you happy,

There is plenty in my area. There are baby groups, libraries, shops etc. I do go to rhythm time on a Monday but I'm even anxious about that because she cries when she's tired 😱

If there is loads to do in your area then why are you travelling far? I rarely leave my area unless it’s for days out, babies cry this doesn’t really sound like it’s about driving

This is all very reassuring, thank you. People do keep telling me that it gets easier as she gets older because she won't cry as much and less feeds etc.