I don’t drive

[Keri1986]

Hi everyone
I’m a FTM with a 3.5 month old girl. I’m really struggling to get out and about because I don’t/ can’t drive. I feel I can’t do much or go anywhere because if I do, it requires at least 2 trains or buses. It’s so difficult to get all the baby stuff ready and then walk to the station then wait for the train. I feel like every journey is a big palarva. At the same time I feel like just staying at home is harming her development and that she won’t get used to the environment outside of the house. She does cry when I take her anywhere and I find it so hard to deal with her when we are out and about. I’m so anxious about it all. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated.

Does she cry less if in sling instead of pram?

At 3.5 months I really wouldn’t worry about going on the train regularly if it’s stressful. Pop baby in sling, go for a walk locally. Or in pram and walk until she’s asleep then park yourself up at a nice café.
Invite people over if you can.
After 6+ months they aren’t feeding quite as often and they can be distracted out the train window a while. So it not forever.

No, it's not so much about driving but it's just restricting me getting about because I don't drive and makes life a lot harder

Work out your running costs if you had a car. Allow yourself that amount (or whatever you can afford) for taxis.

I don't have any friends or family who live in the same area as me because we moved here in February this year. So it's not like I can just walk to someone's house. I would need to get 2 trains to see my family or a train and bus to see friends. My friends don't drive either so it's difficult for them too.

My family drive but thing work 5 days a week. Maternity leave can be very lonely sometimes 😞

Just start off going for short walks...round the block at first maybe...then walk to the shop. The build up your confidence. Babies cry...if they cry when you're out, it's fine, nothing awful will happen

Yes, it will get easier as they get older.
But please don't isolate yourself, if you want to get out, maybe ask one of the group to do a pram walk with you locally so you are mixing if you want.

But don't worry if you are only doing it for baby as it's really not needed yet.

They should be coming to you with such a small baby tbh! Can you join groups to make friends Local or try mum apps to meet others local

Can you move somewhere with better public transport?

In the meantime, at that age she needs a) a sling b) nappies/wipes c) change of clothes d) stuff for feeding if you’re formula feeding. That fits easily in a rucksack.

Babies cry op, people mostly look over to see a baby not because of the crying.

I thinking going to some social groups will be great for you, baby won't benefit from them right now but a nice change of scene for them and I think it'll do you good to meet other mums in your area.

DD was a right bugger for crying at really unhelpful times when she was tiny. I found it better to use a sling as with a pram she would cry to be picked up and then I found I was trying to carry her, move a pram and bags and it was all a bit much. Sling, minimalist bag (change of clothes, wipes, nappies, water and snack for me). Phone, bank card in purse attached to front of sling. Then if she cried I could feed/shush etc as I went along. It’s also easier and safer to stand to shush/ rock etc on public transport with a sling as you don’t have to worry so much about holding baby.
Do what you need to for you at this age though. She will be fine just looking at day to day things with you so if you want to, just walk around the block and if that feels manageable- do that. If you feel better getting out and about do that, but do it for you! X

Have a look for your local NCT branch on Facebook. Many do a bumps and babies group. Search for groups that are specifically for pre crawlers and that aren't structured classes.

They are designed to be somewhere you can go and chat / meet other mums. They are also very welcoming and no one cares if your baby cries. They don't care because they all have young babies who cry loads.

I do drive now but I couldn't when my DC were babies (only passed my test when youngest was 6).

I used to bundle them into the pram and I walked. We had a Surestart children's centre in the town centre about an hours walk from where I lived. I could get the bus but by the time I'd factored in wait times it wasn't really any quicker.

I used to go to a group there most days. We had a little routine as most started around 10am ish. We'd be ready for 9 walk to group, be there for a couple of hours, walk home, get home and have lunch, she would nap in the afternoons. If we didn't make it though, it didn't matter we would just chill at home.

I got a waterproof coat and made a friend that I used to walk with. She lived near me in the same village so we'd go to each other's houses and our DC would play as there were only a few days between them in age.

You really don't need to drive to get to activities, unless you live in the absolute middle of nowhere. Walking helped me lose the baby weight too!

To be honest, driving with a crying baby in the car is very stressful anyway. At least on public transport you can interact with her rather than having to concentrate on something else.

I agree with PP, start local and build up some confidence, ask your friends to visit you (explaining that travel is much more difficult with a baby so you'd really appreciate it) and take it easy on yourself.

My little girl cried ALL THE TIME at this age. It made me paranoid that I was being judged etc when I was out and no matter how many people told me it would get better I didn’t believe them. She’s 4 now and believe me it does get better, I think by the time she had started getting more mobile she had stopped. Maternity leave is very lonely as you have said, I walked for hours and hours round our local park every day. Hang in there 💐

At this age all your baby needs is some fresh air each day and to look around at the trees and the sky etc. so please don’t worry you’re harming her development! You would probably also benefit from at least getting outside so that you’re not climbing the walls as well.

I do drive, but remember how hard it is to fit everything in with a young baby’s naps. I put myself under pressure to ‘prove’ I could do things with my DD even when it was just hard work for not a lot of reward. But it was all a bit pointless as the period where it’s difficult is really so short, just a few months. It feels like this is your life forever but it’s absolutely not. So I would just take the pressure off yourself for now and stay local. Go to local groups when you can but otherwise just get out and about doing bits and pieces you need to do. If you stay close by, you have the reassurance that you can just go back home if you feel stressed.

How are your baby’s naps? Just wondering if part of the crying might be because she needs to sleep? When DD was that age she would start screaming when she got tired and it was 0-100 within a couple of minutes.

If there is loads to do in your area then why are you travelling far? I rarely leave my area unless it’s for days out, babies cry this doesn’t really sound like it’s about driving

This is what I was thinking.
A 3.5month old doesn't need groups. The 'getting out' is for you at this age. Plus, as a pp said, even if you could drive, driving with a baby crying can be quite stressful.
Remember that babies do cry. There is no reason for you to get flustered or stressed - especially if you have gone to a group where there are other babies. Also understand that when you are in a shop or whatever and someone looks at you when the baby cries, it isn't a criticism - we are all thinking that we are glad we are past that stage, and that we have every sympathy for you.
However, you say there are plenty of places near where you live, so I am puzzled why you are getting on so much public transport. Popping your little one in the pram and walking is great for the endorphins....fresh air, and exercise, and natural light every day is great for you. If they cry, well it is fine - that's what babies do sometimes. Plan to keep your time inside the library or the shop or wherever relatively short if you feel self conscious to begin with.

Aww op maternity leave CAN be lonely. I'm sorry you're feeling a bit isolated! Can you try to set yourself a regimen to get out and do something twice a week? She will get more used to traveling around and you will get more used to being out and about with her. This is all very normal, it's early days yet, things will get much easier!

whilst still in a maxi cosi i'd take taxi's wherever you need to go- far easier than when older and need an attached car seat. As for crying, we all get anxious with our first but honestly dont give a second thought as to anyone around you, babies cry- dont let that stop you getting out.

Hi OP have I read correctly you Live on Leeds and your having to get buses and trains? 2?

Leeds has excellent bus services unless you live in Weatherby and even so there's a direct bus that will drop you straight into Leeds City centre.

From Leeds I have taken my DC all over London and we regularly go to all different cities VIA train and bus. I've never drove either don't let it stop you.

I bought a sling and ds came with me on all my normal activities nearby. As he gradually got heavier I lost more baby weight and got fitter. He was perfectly happy snuggled up against me.
Why do you need to go on trains? I went hiking and walked the local canals.

I think it’s because the op makes it sound like she is in the middle of nowhere completely isolated but it turns out that is not the case and there is lots to do near by, reading it I thought you lived in the middle of nowhere, you don’t need to drive if you are not completely rural, so many parents where I live don’t drive. Babies cry whether it’s at home in the car or on the bus, as someone else said it’s easier to sort a crying baby on the bus than in a car.

Feeding on the bus is easier too. Getting the baby on your knee to settle them on the bus is easier.

Can you join baby classes OP?

I don’t think driving will fix this! It’s stressful getting them ready and packing the car up too. It gets easier as they get older and your confidence increases.

Sorry everyone. Just to be a bit more clear. I think it's more my anxiety holding me back. I've read all the comments and there's some great advice. I'm just new with all this and reassurance is great.