So exhausted, 20 month old not sleeping, demanding job

[hardtimeadjusting]

I have a 20 month old and her sleep has recently gone downhill over the last few months. She was sleeping through the night for about 6 months. Now she goes to sleep fine (can go to sleep on her own) but approximately 5 nights a week she'll wake every 30-45 minutes from about 11pm-4am and needs me to sing to her and pick her up and give her a cuddle before she'll go back to sleep. I keep the lights low and stress that it's nighttime. She goes back to sleep but then just as I'm drifting off she's awake calling for me again. My neck and back are hurting from lifting a 10kg toddler in and out of her cot all night. She only wants me, if her Dad goes in she either gets hyper and more wakeful or gets upset and calls for me. Her bedtime is 7pm, wake time 6.45am. Naps from 11.45pm to 1.15pm each day, no problems with daytime sleep.

I am a doctor and work full time (privately, not NHS) and I just don't know how I can cope with this for much longer. I commute one hour each way to work. Trying to keep my practice running on 4-5 hours sleep on average, plus the stress of parenting, feels unsustainable. But I have no choice as the main breadwinner and my patients rely on me.

Parenting is just so exhausting, I am always shocked that people have more than one child as there's no way I could do this again.

Do I just need to wait this phase out? We've tried sleep training, including controlled crying but she got more and more distressed and none of us slept at all.

Have you had a professional do sleep training? At 20 months, it has become a habit. And lifting her up out of the cot is rewarding her for the behaviour,. Its not sustainable and if you havent tried a professional id do that. Or work harder with Dad, there might be a some bad night but if you persist it might work

@Itsallok Thanks for the reply. The only thing I've tried is advice through the Huckleberry app, which was somewhat helpful with night weaning but quite generic. I've looked at some private baby "sleep consultants" but there are so many and it's hard to work out who to trust!

This is why I was forced into cosleeping at 4 months and still doing it at 19mo.

No advice, I’m afraid, but I definitely get more sleep cosleeping even if it has other drawbacks.

@LividLaVidaLoca I've heard about parents doing this but I can't imagine anything worse! My bed is the only place I get respite and I am not willing to share this space with DD too. Maybe that's selfish but it's how I feel.

My youngest was like this and it's hard work. I swapped the cot for a bed to stop the lifting all night and it was easier to direct him back to bed without all the cuddles. You'll have a really tough few nights but you need to reduce the reward for her. At the moment her reward for waking up is getting cuddles and affection so you need to find your way to cut that out. I reassured firmly but kindly that it was bedtime now and settled him back in bed. I made it as boring as possible. It took a few hard nights but he did eventually get it

Just realised I typed her nap times wrong. I meant 11.45am-1.15pm in case anyone wondered.

@uhtredsonofuhtred1 Thanks for the reply. I have been thinking I am rewarding her night time waking and the replies on here are confirming that.
When you made the changes did your child cry for hours? The one or two nights I've tried just comforting her with words but not lifting her up she has got hysterical and cried to the point of hyperventilating.

DH's response is "you need to nap more"...
Sure, I'll just sleep as I drive my car to work shall I? Or while I'm seeing patients? Grrr.

Have you tried cosleeping?

Another option to try is a later bedtime or earlier wake time. When an adult has insomnia the advice is to restrict time in bed, I assume the same principles would apply for a 20 month old.

Also talk to her doctor in case she has a condition like sleep apnea that might be disturbing her sleep.

We had exactly this. I went for the option of whatever gets us all the most sleep we will do. We got a double bed in our child's room and slept with them through the night for a few nights to break the habit. It worked. However, we were also a co-sleeping family. At 2.5 my child happily sleeps through the night alone now and hasn't become reliant on us being there. I'm really not a fan of people saying you are "rewarding" her by giving her cuddles. Don't you sometimes wake up during the night cold/ thirsty/ in need of a cuddle from your partner?

Can you set up a single bed next to her cot? Then you could lie next to the cot and not lift her out but settle her from there whilst resting yourself.
If you are looking for a reputable sleep consultant then I would try Andrea Grace, she had years of experience working as a HV and set up an NHS sleep clinic. I think gradual retreat is her go to method rather than controlled crying.

Stop picking her up. She doesn't need to be picked up every time she makes a noise.
I was a single mum working in medical full time so I had DS in a cot next to my bed and just held his hand if he woke up. He soon realised I wasn't going to get up everytime he woke up. I was very firm too. Time to go to sleep now DS.
He's 37 now and Isn't traumatised by not being picked up.

@3WildOnes Thank you for the recommendation!

@MCMelon "Don't you sometimes wake up during the night cold/ thirsty/ in need of a cuddle from your partner?"

Erm, nope? I don't think I've met many adults who need to be cuddled back to sleep by their partner in the middle of the night. What a bizarre concept.

Anyway OP, sadly yes I agree with others that by going in and picking her up / cuddling her it's not so much "rewarding" her as creating a habit whereby she now feels like she needs you there in order to get back to sleep. Which of course she doesn't because she goes to sleep happily on her own for her naps and at bedtime. So it's not a case of her needing you there, it's her expecting you to be there. You're the only one who can change that.

My advice would be to go in the first time she calls, don't turn any lights on or have a discussion with her at all, just simply lay her back down, give her a kiss and and say it's nighttime go to sleep mummy loves you etc. then leave. She's perfectly capable of getting herself back to sleep and personally I don't agree that standing in there cuddling her or cosleeping etc breeds healthy sleep habits. Especially if you're suffering with the lack of sleep and it's affecting your ability to do your job. I respect Co sleepers and those who are happy to give up their time (and IMO - sanity) to cuddle their baby to sleep all throughout the night but I personally think it's not what's best for your child, and it's not what's best for you. It doesn't teach independence and it doesn't teach them that sleep is natural, healthy and nothing to be scared of.

@Gwegowygwiggs Thank you so much for this rational and thoughtful reply! I feel much more reassured about the way forward now. I've just purchased a couple of books too, on "gentle" sleep training. I have absolutely no desire to co-sleep, I feel anxiety and dread just thinking about it. I need my own space and boundaries at night.

Hi. I also have a busy job. I have a 19mo son and when he's having an awful night I give up pretty easily and co-sleep. I was against it at first, but my need for sleep won.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky yes I always just held my little ones hand through the cot bars if they woke up. Though I did this on a single bed set up in their room. They didn’t often wake once night weaned though.
@Gwegowygwiggs
You neglect to mention what might happen after she leaves the room though. If she is luck baby will grizzle for a few minutes and go back to sleep (my youngest would) but if her baby is more high needs it could be hours of screaming and vomiting from distress (how my first would have reacted) .

@Shehasadiamondinthesky It sounds like you handled it well and your son didn't develop unhelpful sleep associations, like my daughter clearly has.

@3WildOnes Last time we tried sleep gentle sleep training (pick up put down) she did not sleep for hours and was crying hysterically, to the point where I decided I couldn't put her through it again. I'm going with an even gentler technique this time but if she gets past a certain point of distress I will likely stop and we'll be back to square one...

Cosleeping is definitely not something I want to try so I'm not considering that. It's either carry on as we are or some kind of sleep training.

DS stopped nap by 24 months & would only ever do 11 hours a night. He was very active & wouldn't just chill or have quiet time. But he would sleep through solidly with no wake ups.

So maybe try cutting daytime nap & putting to bed slightly later? Perhaps aim for 7.30-6.30?

[quote 3WildOnes]@Shehasadiamondinthesky yes I always just held my little ones hand through the cot bars if they woke up. Though I did this on a single bed set up in their room. They didn’t often wake once night weaned though.
@Gwegowygwiggs
You neglect to mention what might happen after she leaves the room though. If she is luck baby will grizzle for a few minutes and go back to sleep (my youngest would) but if her baby is more high needs it could be hours of screaming and vomiting from distress (how my first would have reacted) .[/quote]
You say "would have" which makes me think you never actually tested this theory, so how do you know?

Is she hungry, I'd give her a bowl of porridge before going to bed, also is she warm enough or maybe too warm? Trying to think of reasons why she's started waking.

“I've looked at some private baby "sleep consultants" but there are so many and it's hard to work out who to trust!”

This is First World problem if ever I heard one You are a Doctor so I’m sure you have the intelligence to solve this one. It’s a luxury most people couldn’t even consider affording.

@Gwegowygwiggs I did try controlled crying and it was awful. He was shaking and clearly very distressed and it took weeks to undo the damage. He would literally start shaking as soon as he got out of the bath as he knew what was coming. We thought maybe it was the coming in and out so tried just leaving which yielded the same but with the addition of vomit.
My other two are much more easy going, they would usually fuss for a few minutes and then fall asleep.

I hope you have some success OP. All of mine have responded to some for of state and support gradual retreat.

We had problems with Dd at this age and in the end put a small bed next to our bed and put her to sleep there. She never woke in the night again! I’d highly recommend it!