So exhausted, 20 month old not sleeping, demanding job

[hardtimeadjusting]

I have a 20 month old and her sleep has recently gone downhill over the last few months. She was sleeping through the night for about 6 months. Now she goes to sleep fine (can go to sleep on her own) but approximately 5 nights a week she'll wake every 30-45 minutes from about 11pm-4am and needs me to sing to her and pick her up and give her a cuddle before she'll go back to sleep. I keep the lights low and stress that it's nighttime. She goes back to sleep but then just as I'm drifting off she's awake calling for me again. My neck and back are hurting from lifting a 10kg toddler in and out of her cot all night. She only wants me, if her Dad goes in she either gets hyper and more wakeful or gets upset and calls for me. Her bedtime is 7pm, wake time 6.45am. Naps from 11.45pm to 1.15pm each day, no problems with daytime sleep.

I am a doctor and work full time (privately, not NHS) and I just don't know how I can cope with this for much longer. I commute one hour each way to work. Trying to keep my practice running on 4-5 hours sleep on average, plus the stress of parenting, feels unsustainable. But I have no choice as the main breadwinner and my patients rely on me.

Parenting is just so exhausting, I am always shocked that people have more than one child as there's no way I could do this again.

Do I just need to wait this phase out? We've tried sleep training, including controlled crying but she got more and more distressed and none of us slept at all.

I never co slept either. Just not a route Inwanted to go down.

I found the best option for us was the old supernanny technique. Pick a week when you are off work and able to tackle it.

First time you go back in, lay them down and say night night or sleepy time. Next time and all subsequent times, dont say a word. Go in, lay them down and leave the room. It'll take a hundred times. Next night fewer. Next night fewer again.

Make sure she is well fed before bed, a bowl of porridge so you know it's not hunger. Blackout blinds etc.

@SweetBabyCheeses99 Yes I am privileged. I'm also bloody exhausted. My point was that virtually anyone can call themselves a "baby sleep consultant" so being a HCP doesn't help me in this situation.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Good suggestion! I might try this if it's a disaster tonight. It's the prospect of full days of work on little to no sleep that really fills me with dread, so doing it on a week off would be sensible.

@LizzieSiddal How long did she sleep next to you though?

I would reduce nap a little and get DH to co sleep wit her.

Sounds really tough!!!
Far younger than your DC but I got my LO self settling by introducing a comforter which he still sleeps with and if he wakes in the night upset it it usually because he has lost it or turfed it out of the cot. Could it help to introduce a little blanket/toy for reassurance in the night.
I also used to use the Lucy Wolfe sleep book, she recommends stay and support where you let them cry but sit next to the cot. At about 12 months my son went through a regression and randomly wouldn't go to sleep on his own. I sat in the dark on the floor next to the cot and shuuushed and patted the mattress rhythmically and he would usually fall asleep within 10mins.
Good luck xxx

@LizzieSiddal How long did she sleep next to you though?

It was around 6 months. We then put her in with her big sister (aged 5) without any issues at all. I honestly think she just didn’t like being on her own.

This is counter to the 'sleep gets sleep' idea which does seem to hold true for most but our eldest dropped her nap around that age and consequently her bedtime (which was 8.30 or later 😬) got earlier and she got much better at sleeping through the night as well, not that she was awful but it did seem to help. She still had an hour at nursery for the two days a week she was going towards the end, and on those days and if we'd been out visiting so she'd had an hour in the car she was harder those nights.

However it a about drastic so I'd probably try all the other things before messing with the nap but it's certainly worth considering if you could shorten it substantially if other things don't work?

@RandomMess

I would reduce nap a little and get DH to co sleep wit her.

This. If you don't want to co sleep hand it all over to DH for a few weeks. We tried everything mentioned on here and in the end decided sleep was more important than principles and co slept. Made much easier by having a double bed in child's room. DH slept in with DC1 for about a year after DC2 was born.

@RandomMess

I would reduce nap a little and get DH to co sleep wit her.

But what about those women who actually want to (god forbid) share a bed with their husband?

@Gwegowygwiggs depends which you want more to share the bed with your partner for a whole night or let your other half disappear half way through so you can turn over and get back to sleep 🤷🏽‍♀️

[quote RandomMess]@Gwegowygwiggs depends which you want more to share the bed with your partner for a whole night or let your other half disappear half way through so you can turn over and get back to sleep 🤷🏽‍♀️[/quote]
Neither. I'll take neither!

🤣 mine were all good sleepers from very young.
Nothing gets between me and sleep, once DH started loudly snoring he was evicted.

I think you should put her to bed later. She’s in bed for nearly 12h. A lot (?the vast majority) of older babies/toddlers can’t sleep for 12h. She may just simply not be tired enough - some display this by not going to sleep, others wake at the crack of dawn and others have split nights. 10 or 11 hours of nights sleep is far more realistic. Try pushing the nap later, maybe even making it a bit longer, and aim for an 8pm (start at 7:30pm) bedtime if you want to keep a wake up between 6:30 and 7, would be my suggestion. It’ll probably take a few weeks to bed in (excuse the pun).

Is she being tired out a lot during the day by whoever cares for her? Loads of physical and mental stimulation?

There is a very good podcast, raising good humans, season 2 episode 13 talks about sleep training. It talks about different options so might just give some ideas and you can choose which you think might suit you best

I can sympathise OP as this is a stage both of mine went through…. And a demanding job to throw into the mix as well. The best thing we did was have a z bed in the corner of DD2s room with bottom sheet on, and duvet and pillow ready to go. DH and I then took it in turns to set up the bed next to the cot, which settled her and we got some sleep as well. (And I also didn’t have to listen to DH snoring but that’s another thread😂)

That's so rough.
Re sleep consultants, we had amazing help from 'Calm and Bright Sleep support' who you can Google or find on Instagram. They are paediatric nurses as well as sleep consultants. They are so good. I had WhatsApp support as well as their plan to follow.

Also 'Just Chill Baby Sleep' is another really good one. On Instagram she's 'Just Chill Mama'.

Another vote for trying Andrea Grace. I read her book then used her remote consultant service. It was good - I wasn't ok with controlled crying so I needed someone who wasnt about that. She was really helpful.

Calm and bright and Just chill mama both use versions of controlled crying and both use a one size fits all approach. Whereas Andrea Grace will tailor a plan specifically for you and your baby depending on what you are comfortable with.

Gentle sleep training. Pay a professional to guide you - best £200 I have ever spent on anything and can all be done on the phone. I'm not talking about crying it out, just someone impartial to guide you.

I did this near breaking point with a 20 month old and within 3 days sleeping 8 hours. Heaven.

DM if you want details of the person I used (also Google for recommendations in your area).

Where is your DP in all this?

Get a professional sleep consultant for sure - read reviews, get recommendations - find a good one!

I would highly recommend having a look at Lyndsey Hookway - she is a IBCLC and specialises in truly gentle and evidence based sleep support. She doesn’t do consultations herself but now trains sleep consultants. She is @lyndseyhookway on Instagram and her graduates are linked in a highlight on there. I like her because all of her suggestions and backed and referenced in scientific research - unlike the huge majority of baby sleep books! It is truly gentle too, no crying involved. She has a book called ‘still awake’ which is for 18 months and up that could be good.

You have done nothing wrong! It is natural and normal to respond to your crying child. There is a huge culture and a lot of pressure on Mum’s now to have a perfectly sleeping child, and everyone is quick to point the finger and say it’s your fault if they don’t. It sounds like your little one is waking at the end of each sleep cycle - which every baby does to an extent. She happens to be a ‘signaller’ which means she awakes and signals - she needs your help to calm back down and go back to sleep. This is totally natural! There’s a lot of talk about self soothing, but it’s simply untrue and not based on current research on attachment principles. It’s true that if a child is left to cry for long enough they will stop trying and go to sleep. They have not learnt to self soothe, they are trying to conserve energy. It is an exercise in breaking a child’s will and trust in their caregivers. Children are not capable of truly self soothing until quite a bit older.

Having said all that, there are lots of ways you can improve sleep for the whole family, without resorting to controlled crying. There are lots of options that don’t involve cosleeping too.

I would have a look at Lyndsey as I mentioned, and the people she trains. I worked with one of them for my little girl and it was a huge relief to realise that my baby wasn’t broken, and neither was I!

I wanted to update you all. I bought Andrea Grace's "Gentle Sleep Solutions" book the day after I started his thread. That night I tried her gentler controlled crying technique. DD woke crying and calling out for me at 3.00am. I went in and soothed her with words but refused to pick her up. We had one very stressful hour where DD really cried and protested every time I left her room. I went in and out and every 2-3 minutes until she started to calm down, then left it five minutes each time. I didn't pick her up. After about an hour of this she fell asleep on her own, quite calm and content.

Ever since that night she has slept through most nights. Occasionally she cries and asks for mama in the night but is immediately settled by me saying "it's time for sleep" and stroking her head before I leave the room.

I don't want to jinx it but I'm so grateful for the advice I received on this thread!!! It gave me the courage to do sleep training (albeit in a gentle way) and it's been a game changer for our family. Thanks Mumsnet!

Special thanks to @3WildOnes