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Original poster

Toddler night waking - husband’s response

32 replies

Marilynrose · 07/11/2021 03:02

Toddler is going through a few days of waking in the night I think because she has a cold. She just wants to be held upright for a bit and have a few sips of water and will then go back to sleep. I don’t see a problem with this - if an adult has a cold, they may need to get up and blow their nose etc. My husband is getting stroppy about it and choosing now to start saying he’s not getting up with her etc. I’m currently 40 weeks pregnant and really struggling with this. I’m happy to do my share but not all of it so he can just sleep. Surely parenting is 24/7? Tonight and last night he’s shouted at me. I just don’t understand why we’d change how we parent at night right now when there’s a baby due? I don’t need any additional stress. Feeling a bit unsupported and doubting myself… any thoughts anyone?

OP posts:
Cakequeen1988 · 07/11/2021 03:05

He’s being an idiot! You are doing absolutely the correct care in the situation except you are absolutely right it shouldn’t be just you. In fact many husbands would say to you to stay in bed whilst they did it all.

Is this how he usually behaves?

SleepingStandingUp · 07/11/2021 03:25

You're right.

He's a bastard.

Weenurse · 07/11/2021 03:27

So he is going to pay for a night nanny is he?

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Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 03:29

Is he working and are you on mat leave? In which case it maybe makes sense for Roy to get up?

Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 03:29

He shouldn't be shouting at you though

Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 03:30

Who's Roy?? I meant you

GuyFawkesAppreciationClub · 07/11/2021 03:34

You're 40 weeks of abs he's shouting at you?

Has he always been an abusive twat or is this a new low level?

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/11/2021 03:34

@Yogaandcocoa

Is he working and are you on mat leave? In which case it maybe makes sense for Roy to get up?
I never understand this theory. When both parents work, both get up. Obviously alternating. But when one is 40 weeks pregnant and one is working, just she gets up? Because when I was 40 weeks pregnant, peeing every two hours, sleeping with a bottle of pink medicine in my hand the heartburn was so bad, uncomfortable and miserable... I'd have been pretty annoyed if DH reckoned I would do al the shit work at night.
Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 03:37

I never understand this theory. When both parents work, both get up. Obviously alternating. But when one is 40 weeks pregnant and one is working, just she gets up? Because when I was 40 weeks pregnant, peeing every two hours, sleeping with a bottle of pink medicine in my hand the heartburn was so bad, uncomfortable and miserable... I'd have been pretty annoyed if DH reckoned I would do al the shit work at night.

But OP may be able to sleep in the day if they have a toddler and will soon be getting up with a baby but then I'm used to doing all wake ups with my baby.

DollyPartBaked · 07/11/2021 03:40

YANBU - you wouldn't be unreasonable under any circumstances, but absolutely not when you are pregnant.

Sometimes babies / toddlers go through spates of waking up - even if otherwise they have been good sleepers. Both parents have to deal with it.

Our 12 month old is currently awake and I used to deal with all the wake ups but now we take it in turns even though it generally means we are both awake the whole time. We end up being snappy with each other but I'd still prefer it this way as it feels more fair (before I was of the view that because I wasn't sleeping whilst he settled her I may as well do it all myself rather than both being tired - but I was just being a martyr)/

Weatherwax13 · 07/11/2021 03:42

He's being utterly selfish. Sod that. I would strongly suggest that in the cold light of day you read him the riot act. You could go into labour any moment, and he needs to get his shit together before no2 comes along.

Laserbird16 · 07/11/2021 04:00

So your husband is angry and shouting at you, his heavily pregnant wife, for a small child needing a little extra tlc when she is sick and has her whole world about to be thrown into chaos by a new sibling. No wonder you feel unsupported.

Parenting is always changing, it's not a set and forget activity.

Is your husband always a dickhead or is this new?

Goldbar · 07/11/2021 04:21

This is not acceptable behaviour.

In your shoes, I would raid our joint savings and hire a night nanny or babysitter to cover his parenting obligations that he is not fulfilling. I would then ignore any moaning about the cost, because he has chosen to outsource his responsibilities by not fulfilling them. However, I accept that's not an option open to most people.

I would also kick my DH out to sleep on the sofa and co-sleep with LO until she is better.

rainbowstardrops · 07/11/2021 04:30

You're heavily pregnant and your toddler is feeling poorly and needs a little tlc and your DH thinks it's ok to shout at you and leave it all to you??? Nah! In the morning, tell him he can fuck off with that idea.
Once the baby is here, will he expect you to be up with the baby and the toddler while he merrily snoozes away? Jog on sunshine.

Tilltheend99 · 07/11/2021 04:31

I do all night waking at mo but that’s only really because DD is EBF so hopefully when older it will be shared more. I would hate to be getting up in the night at week 40 as 38-40 is such an exhausting time in general.

Agree he should be getting up.

Is he having some kind of pre-baby 2 breakdown or is he always an arse. He shouldn’t be shouting at you when you are heavily pregnant. Don’t let him convince you yabu as UANBU

RichTeaRichTea · 07/11/2021 04:53

@Yogaandcocoa

I never understand this theory. When both parents work, both get up. Obviously alternating. But when one is 40 weeks pregnant and one is working, just she gets up? Because when I was 40 weeks pregnant, peeing every two hours, sleeping with a bottle of pink medicine in my hand the heartburn was so bad, uncomfortable and miserable... I'd have been pretty annoyed if DH reckoned I would do al the shit work at night.

But OP may be able to sleep in the day if they have a toddler and will soon be getting up with a baby but then I'm used to doing all wake ups with my baby.

Do you just have the one baby?

I had a newborn baby and a toddler who was still waking at night. How do you think it would have worked if both had woken at the same time and my husband had said “well you’re up anyway”?

RichTeaRichTea · 07/11/2021 04:55

OP you are not being unreasonable, this is something that could easily be shared. I hope there is a plan for if the same thing happens when the baby is here.

GuyFawkesAppreciationClub · 07/11/2021 08:04

I hope you're ok this morning @Marilynrose

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 07/11/2021 08:06

Makes me sad how so many women on MN put up with so much shite from the supposedly DH and think it’s normal.

Original poster
Marilynrose · 07/11/2021 08:14

To be fair, he got up with her at 7 this morning so I could sleep until now. No, we have an older child too and he’s not been like this - but it’s a phase he goes through every now and then. Just not feeling very happy that he’s decided to go through this phase when I’m so pregnant!!

OP posts:
sjxoxo · 07/11/2021 08:18

He shouldn’t be shouting at you that’s clear. Sounds like he is exhausted and your energy also obviously stretched thin at 40weeks! Congrats. I would have a big talk and lay down the law about sharing responsibility even when things are exhausting- her cold is also temporary and she needs some comfort. I would also have a discussion about how you will share responsibility for night time when there are two of them. Xx

GuyFawkesAppreciationClub · 07/11/2021 08:32

So this is number 3? I'd be telling him to go and book a vasectomy if he's not keen on being a parent to the ones he already has 24 hours a day.

JetRocket · 07/11/2021 09:08

Ah I’ve been here.
14mo DS got a virus when I was 36 weeks pregnant and I was miserable with SPD. DH got up with him in the night despite working FT because I couldn’t lift him. I just couldn’t lift him I was so uncomfortable and kept apologising…I gave birth to DD a couple of days later.

You deserve help and support when you’re about to give birth xx

Original poster
Marilynrose · 07/11/2021 10:47

Thanks everyone for your comments. Not really sure what I can do, think he has mental health problems and it wouldn’t exactly be fair of me to tell him to get over himself. I’m sure I’ll manage - always do. Xx

OP posts:
GuyFawkesAppreciationClub · 07/11/2021 11:08

If he has MH problems is he taking ADs, seen the GP and had Counselling?

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