20 months old - nanny or nursery?

[OnlyOneBike]

Hi, I know this is an old question but I didn't find much information re similar situation. I'm desperately needing some advice please.

So DS will be 20 months when I have to go back to work. We now face the choice between an ofsted outstanding rated nursery, starting with 3 days, or a full time nanny.

DS has always been with either me or daddy (or both) so far. He is not quite used to large group of people and very demanding for undivded attention for apparent reason. We do take him to classes though. Both of husband and I will work from home 4 days a week. We are non native English speakers. And we do not have an extended family here. There's no cousins to play with. We have a few friends but not so many that we can do playdates every weekend.

It feels to me that a nanny is the natural choice since it is like our current setup the most. But I am worried that we are not able to find or identify a good one. I'd say a good nursery is probably better than a not so good nanny?

Also, I'm not sure which is more important at the age of 20 months, the undivided attention from a nanny or the companion of other kids and staff at a nursery? If he was younger I probably wouldnt ask the question. But 20 months is a bit awkward. Not so old enough to be independent but just starts to want to be social?

To summarise:

Good about nanny.
Individual interactions. Doesn't pick up germs from nursery. Can see DS during the day since we wfh. Don't have to change routine.
Not good about nanny.
Don't know how to identify a good one. Lack of group activities or interactions with other kids.

Good about nursery.
Lots of kids. Group activities. Easy to inspect and choose. A mix of group (nursery) and individual (mummy) during a week.
Not good about nursery.
May not get enough attention. May be bullied by other kids. May feel anxious because of language at first. May fall sick quite often. Can't see DS for a whole day.

Please please help. I'm so confused. I have already delayed returning to work for a year because I wasn't sure the childcare choices we had last year was good for DS. Now I'm faced the same question again.

Thanks in advance.

I always thought a nanny would provide better interaction with the kid than the staff at a nursery since the latter normally look after 3 or 4 kids. But recently so I met some nannies at baby and toddler classes. I found they were not as engaging with the kids as I hoped. They were nice to the kids. But for most time, they just sat with the kids and let them do their things, while I felt I had to help my kid understand what the class runner was saying, how to relate to our past experience, encourage him when he was a bit shy but apparently wanted to chase the bubbles, etc. To provide enough stimulation you need much more than just taking the kids to the class. Is that normal with a good nanny? Or is it just me expecting too much from a nanny?

I'd go with the Nursery as you will have to employ the Nanny plus cover fir her holidays abs any sickness, at least with Nursery you'll get continuity although like you said, he may catch some bugs abs have to stay home at times.

Nanny is three times as expensive as nursery if that’s a factor. BUT a good one is worth their weight in gold. Our takes the kids out to meet other nanny families or activities and play dates everyday, so no worries about socialising. And they have her full attention and interaction, I’m WFH so I hear what’s going on.

We do both actually. We started with a nanny but something came up where nanny was away for quite a while so we decided to try nursery. DC was 15mo at the time and absolutely loved it. When nanny came back we decided to split the week so 2 days nanny and 2 days nursery and it works well for us. Our nanny is great, worth her weight in gold and part of the family. However I do think he gets more out of nursery in a way. Lots of messy play, interactions with children his own age. Different activities daily. But he also has a great bond with nanny.

Oh and about the bugs, this is true. It's probably the only downside of nursery thus far as DC seems to catch everything going. But then it's good to build immunity and you'd hope within the first year it will settle down.

I'd go nursery personally but then my 20mo loves nursery (marches himself in as soon as they open the door without a backwards glance ). I also wonder if it would be easier for your son to go to a different setting, rather than having you at home but not being able to have your attention?

Re: illnesses/bugs - yup, they pick up everything going, but if they get them now they've less likely to have time off with them when they start school.

Personally I would go nursery as introducing to more children and adults now on a regular basis will help for future especially if he needs building up in that area.

The illnesses they pick up are annoying at first but it is really good for their immune systems as others have said and means less issues later.

I’d go with nursery.

I’ve had a fantastic nanny (later in when the DC were older) but it’s very difficult to know who is the right person, and to know if they are 100% reliable. It’s also difficult to manage the relationship with the nanny as an employer, plus all the payroll etc (even if through a payroll agency).

At least with a nursery if there’s one lazy/ rubbish carer, or even one just having an off day, in the room there are 2 or 3 others too. But I got to know all the staff at my DC’s nursery well, and they were all fantastic.

As your DS isn’t a baby you might need to take it more slowly settling him into nursery.

Nursery. If you are wfh the nanny will struggle to keep the baby from wanting you unless you are in a garden office or similar.

I think it would be very difficult for the nanny to do a good job with you both there but unavailable, to be honest.

Nursery. The only drawback of nursery on your list I found to be a problem is the germs but that's partly coz my LO didn't have access to groups in lockdown. Also it settles down a bit.

Oh yes and agree if you wfh nanny will struggle as child will you are there

I'd go for the good nursery personally. You're not putting all your eggs in one basket in the same way - if the nanny isn't great, or hands in her notice, you're back to square one. Also I think the benefit of other youngsters will be valuable to your son in the circumstances you describe (not loads of friends or family).

I think at that age "socialisation" is incredibly important. So I'd go with nursery. Our daughter went to a fantastic nursery - lovely setting, lots of green, incredibly engaged staff etc and thrived.

I would do a mix of both, if you can.

Nursery is great for kids, but 5 full days might be a bit much. Some more relaxed days at home with outings with nanny would be good.

It's also very hard to wfh with a child in the house, even with a nanny, so a few days of them being at nursery would be good.

At that age one-on-one attention and bonding with one caregiver is more important than group socialisation (which they don't need at this age). Any good nanny will take your child out to classes/playgroup/playdates etc. and provide periods of socialisation each day.

It's difficult to comment on the nannies you saw at playgroup without seeing them personally, but I would say that groups like that are times for the children to be a little independent from their caregiver, to step out by themselves so I wouldn't expect a nanny (or a parent!) to be all over their child. I'd be expecting them to let the child explore independently. Obviously, if the children were upset, in danger or causing problems for other children this is different. From what you say though, it sounds like they were watching them, but not hands-on involved the whole time.

I think it will be incredibly difficult for your DS and your nanny with both you and your DH working at home and expecting to pop in and see the baby regularly. If you have a large house and can be very separate it may work, but if not I would go for a nursery.

I don’t know about that tbh @NuffSaidSam

I know about the studies but I’m not convinced only really interacting with a small number of adults is really a positive thing for toddlers. While it may be true that they don’t play together as such it doesn’t mean that they don’t enjoy watching other babies and toddlers and learning from them. My own son loved other babies from a very young age. I remember going to a baby class with him when he was only about five months and he started shouting in pleasure at the other babies

I don't think anyone is suggesting children should only be allowed to mix with a small number of adults!

More that the type of socialisation that they need isn't 8-10 hours a day with a small group of children the same age and a number of caregivers.

They need the type of socialisation they would get at home (either with a nanny or parent or childminder or grandparent). They need to meet adults and children of all different types and ages and they will do that by just being out in the world.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with nursery if that works best for you, but the idea that small children NEED to spend hours a day in a childproof room with children the same age to 'socialise' is nonsense (as you say the studies all support this!).

No one is saying that but the OP asked nanny or nursery.

Socialisation is different to socialising. No, twenty month olds aren’t going to be sitting nicely over coffee and a chat but that doesn’t mean they aren’t going to be enjoying the company of and interactions with other children either.

Have you looked into childminders? Might be a good compromise - they'll get interaction with other children, but it's more homely and less busy than a nursery.

My son went to a lovely childminder - she was an ex-nanny who'd started her own childminding business. She employed another person, and they looked after six children between them. Might be worth looking if there's something like that in your location?

Again, I don't think anyone thought they would be sitting around having a coffee 😂.

Of course they will enjoy (and need) interactions with other people, no-one is suggesting otherwise. But the type of interactions they need can be easily drawn from the 'real world'. You do not NEED to send your child to nursery for them to get the social input they need (all evidence supports this). Infact, being in a room with only a small number of children the same age for hours and hours each week offers fewer socialisation opportunities than going to a range of groups/activities and places out in the world.

Of course nursery is a perfectly fine choice, but not because children NEED it for socialisation. They don't.

Why full time nanny but 3 days nursery?

I was originally inclined towards nanny but the additional costs of a nanny - tax, activities, food for the nanny seems to be expected - plus potential complications to do with being an employer, sick leave, potentially maternity leave and then the nanny wanting to return with their baby, all of that really put me off. My boys have been very happy in nursery

My kids did playgroups and classes and stuff on their days at home with me and DH as well as three days in nursery and it is really noticeable the way that they have proper friends at nursery but mostly parallel play at groups

@NuffSaidSam - I know, it was a joke

There aren’t many real world settings where children can freely play alongside other children that aren’t nurseries, though. I mean, admittedly I had a lockdown baby so I’m perhaps assuming everywhere is like here with free things not open and classes and so on are lovely and I did a lot of them but they are still very adult led I suppose.

Sure, everyone's circumstances are different and everyone has to do what is right for them. If, for whatever reason, someone is unable to provide opportunities for their child to socialise at all then, for them, a nursery may be essential. But this isn't the case for most people.

It's important to be clear that no-one should feel pressure to use a nursery because their child NEEDS it for socialisation, because they don't (supported by all research). Any good nanny or childminder will make sure a child has opportunities to socialise. Most parents are also able to do this. Those opportunities will be more varied and child led than in a nursery setting.