20 months old - nanny or nursery?

[OnlyOneBike]

Hi, I know this is an old question but I didn't find much information re similar situation. I'm desperately needing some advice please.

So DS will be 20 months when I have to go back to work. We now face the choice between an ofsted outstanding rated nursery, starting with 3 days, or a full time nanny.

DS has always been with either me or daddy (or both) so far. He is not quite used to large group of people and very demanding for undivded attention for apparent reason. We do take him to classes though. Both of husband and I will work from home 4 days a week. We are non native English speakers. And we do not have an extended family here. There's no cousins to play with. We have a few friends but not so many that we can do playdates every weekend.

It feels to me that a nanny is the natural choice since it is like our current setup the most. But I am worried that we are not able to find or identify a good one. I'd say a good nursery is probably better than a not so good nanny?

Also, I'm not sure which is more important at the age of 20 months, the undivided attention from a nanny or the companion of other kids and staff at a nursery? If he was younger I probably wouldnt ask the question. But 20 months is a bit awkward. Not so old enough to be independent but just starts to want to be social?

To summarise:

Good about nanny.
Individual interactions. Doesn't pick up germs from nursery. Can see DS during the day since we wfh. Don't have to change routine.
Not good about nanny.
Don't know how to identify a good one. Lack of group activities or interactions with other kids.

Good about nursery.
Lots of kids. Group activities. Easy to inspect and choose. A mix of group (nursery) and individual (mummy) during a week.
Not good about nursery.
May not get enough attention. May be bullied by other kids. May feel anxious because of language at first. May fall sick quite often. Can't see DS for a whole day.

Please please help. I'm so confused. I have already delayed returning to work for a year because I wasn't sure the childcare choices we had last year was good for DS. Now I'm faced the same question again.

Thanks in advance.

Oh wow. I wasn't expecting so many responses. Thank you so much Mumsnet'ers. Your responses are invaluable.

@PanicBuyingSprouts Yes. I am aware of the the complication (and higher cost) of hiring a nanny. But since it is a very important matter for DS, we are trying to put those aside when choosing in between and only focus on what's good for DS.

@Lou573 That's what I thought initially hence the post. My concern is that we don't know how to find a good one.

@allofthecheese Thanks for the insight. It's incredibly helpful to hear experience from who have used both. It sounds to me that a nursery is not really a bad choice, especially for an older boy. I didn't think about half half as I was told part time is not popular among nannies. They tend to prefer full time jobs so there will be a risk that our nanny would find another job if we only offered a part time job...not sure if that's true though.

@T0rt0ise @Scottishskifun @Strawbales @idontlikealdi @AchyFlower @ParmigianoReggiano @ISeeTheLight

Thanks for your responses. I am a bit swayed towards nursery now.

Oh the point on nanny not being able to work effectively when we are both in. I didn't really realise that. but i can see the point now. DS does always want me if he sees me even daddy is trying hard to entertain him.

@WhatsWrongWithMyUsername yes true. thats out main concern with a nanny. We are lucky to have a really good nursery nearby. they offer 4-6 weeks settling and even longer if it's in particular difficult for DS. i start to feel that i might be a bit too greedy...

@yourestandingonmyneck @Classicblunder I was told part time jobs are not popular among nannies. Full time would be more attractive so easier to find a good one. Also, I can easily do part time. If we decide to go for a mix of nursery and home, then it's probably better that I just go part time. There would be no need for a nanny in that case.

If you can afford it always go for a Nanny. Then they can take them to playgroups etc for socialising.

The child gets more 1-1 care and it's better for you as they come to your house, and are more flexible.

I experienced both as a parent and for 20 months would say nanny all the time. You will know when you meet the nanny if she is right for your family.

I'm a stay at home mum to DD who is 22 months old and we started her at nursery for 2 mornings a week (4 hrs each day) at 18 months.
This was purely based on her life from 3 months old being in lockdown, so she had a serious lack of socialisation with kids her own age (she has cousins but they're all in school) and she was probably sick of being with me and DH constantly!
She absolutely loves it, runs in with her key worker shouting "bye" without turning round and comes out with a huge smile on her face! Staff say how much she has come on and her skills are developing (using pencils, etc) and she's even made at least 1 little friend. She loves it so much, she'll be going 3 mornings a week from January.

Yes, the bugs are annoying! I've lost count of how many coughs and colds and poorly tummies she's had, but they will have to go through all of that at some point.

I also felt that nursery is different enough from our home life so she has that change in set up but it also gets her used to being around others in the same way that school will eventually be like

We still go to a toddler group once a week and she enjoys that too, but doesn't seem to want to sit with the other kids when the group leader calls them all up. She likes to sit on my knee to do the singing and dancing with me. But I know at nursery, she's happy to engage with others (staff and children) so I'm not too worried.

@NuffSaidSam Thanks for your replies. Do make me think about how I interact with DS as I'm the 'all over them' type of parent. I should probably change a bit since he has grown up so much. and that's why I need some other type of childcare! I see your point on nanny's advantages. But it's very difficult to find a good one that's good enough to replace myself. Our house if not huge. It'd be just nanny with DS playing at ground floor and we work on 1st floor. They could probably hear us dialling into meetings, etc. So not so good apparently.

This morning we had a playdate with a friend of ours and their 3 yr daughter. Surprisingly, DS showed lots of interest in interacting with the girl. He would follow her around and even hold hands briefly. He was normally quite reluctant to leave my lap and join other kids at toddler groups. But this time he seemed different. This has given me a bit faith in nursery coz I always worried about him disliking being around other kids.

@ItsReallyOnlyMe

If you can afford it always go for a Nanny. Then they can take them to playgroups etc for socialising.

The child gets more 1-1 care and it's better for you as they come to your house, and are more flexible.

I experienced both as a parent and for 20 months would say nanny all the time. You will know when you meet the nanny if she is right for your family.

Thanks. I quite like the 1-1 bit as well. But how do you tell if the nanny is as energetic and inspiring when out of sight...i know we should trust whoever we choose but the build up of trust needs time....we'll interview a few nannies in the coming months just like how we visited nurseries. Maybe we can tell straightaway from the interviews whether a nanny or nursery is best for DS?

@OnlyOneBike

This morning we had a playdate with a friend of ours and their 3 yr daughter. Surprisingly, DS showed lots of interest in interacting with the girl. He would follow her around and even hold hands briefly. He was normally quite reluctant to leave my lap and join other kids at toddler groups. But this time he seemed different. This has given me a bit faith in nursery coz I always worried about him disliking being around other kids.

I don't want to complicate things further, but I think the fact the he socialises better in a one-on-one interaction with an older child than he does in a group of children the same age actually supports the case for a nanny over a nursery. Those are the sort of interactions he'd be having with a nanny rather than at a nursery.

We pay about £11k a year for 4 days pw at nursery (actually less with the 20% govt top up) and when we looked at a nanny, it would have been three times that amount.

DC absolutely adores nursery, smiles whenever we walk up to the building and opens arms straight to dive into whichever staff member is there in the morning. DC also seems to sleep a whole lot better on nursery days as there is a lot more stimulation.

We’ve had a run of sickness which has been unlucky, but have managed to cover it between us (no local family, DH also isn’t British).

[quote OnlyOneBike]@WhatsWrongWithMyUsername yes true. thats out main concern with a nanny. We are lucky to have a really good nursery nearby. they offer 4-6 weeks settling and even longer if it's in particular difficult for DS. i start to feel that i might be a bit too greedy...

@yourestandingonmyneck @Classicblunder I was told part time jobs are not popular among nannies. Full time would be more attractive so easier to find a good one. Also, I can easily do part time. If we decide to go for a mix of nursery and home, then it's probably better that I just go part time. There would be no need for a nanny in that case.[/quote]
I think your DS would benefit more from the extra days with you and then 3 days of nursery than 5 days with a nanny

@MsSquiz

I'm a stay at home mum to DD who is 22 months old and we started her at nursery for 2 mornings a week (4 hrs each day) at 18 months. This was purely based on her life from 3 months old being in lockdown, so she had a serious lack of socialisation with kids her own age (she has cousins but they're all in school) and she was probably sick of being with me and DH constantly! She absolutely loves it, runs in with her key worker shouting "bye" without turning round and comes out with a huge smile on her face! Staff say how much she has come on and her skills are developing (using pencils, etc) and she's even made at least 1 little friend. She loves it so much, she'll be going 3 mornings a week from January.

Yes, the bugs are annoying! I've lost count of how many coughs and colds and poorly tummies she's had, but they will have to go through all of that at some point.

I also felt that nursery is different enough from our home life so she has that change in set up but it also gets her used to being around others in the same way that school will eventually be like

We still go to a toddler group once a week and she enjoys that too, but doesn't seem to want to sit with the other kids when the group leader calls them all up. She likes to sit on my knee to do the singing and dancing with me. But I know at nursery, she's happy to engage with others (staff and children) so I'm not too worried.

DS has had two or three colds by far. Every time was like almost killing me. There was lots of crankiness, baby carrying, mummy breaking down and zero sleep for the whole family!

Your little girl sounds like my boy. He's always reluctant to join the group when the class runners were calling. He just wants to watch other kids running and dancing. I quite worried about him not liking the setup of nursery. But seems your girl finds it quite enjoyable.

@OnlyOneBike I think it works for DD because she doesn't have me or DH there. We've been lucky that she didn't take long to settle into nursery and took to her key worker and other staff really quickly.

You might find that being in a nursery setting, comes out of his shell and interacts more because you aren't there for him to "run to" like my DD does too at toddler group.