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Original poster

Have I done the right thing?

28 replies

gibberish · 12/12/2007 00:53

I have 4 girls. The eldest has been friends with my friend's daughter since they were born. Friend's dd has since become very friendly with dd2 also. We were happy for all 3 to be friends but dd1 was recently told that friend's daughter would rather have dd2 only for her friend as they are closer in age. dd1 was (understandably) very hurt and upset. Lots of discussions and arguments have resulted between the girls. I have tried to stay out of it as I think they should sort it out on their own.

However, my friend has got involved at every opportunity, taking her daughter's side and blaming dd1 for every argument. She has phoned twice and screamed at dd1 for stuff she was meant to have said and done. I only recently found out about this and think it was out of order - she should have spoken to me rather than bullying my daughter behind my back. I know that dd1 is not innocent and can argue for Britain, but also know for a fact that friend's dd is to blame too.

It has resulted in dd1 being told that she is not welcome at their house, despite having actually done nothing except try to defend herself. She is the one that has been hurt.

We were all meant to be visiting over the holidays and dd2 has been invited to stay for a week but I have had to refuse this. I feel insulted that they have told me one of my children are not welcome at their house, so I feel none of us should go, out of respect for dd1's feelings. dd2 is devastated. She understands how hurt her sister is but feels she is losing a friend too.

Have I done the right thing in stopping dd2 visiting her friend? Sorry this is long.
Have I done wrong?

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Tortington · 12/12/2007 00:55

nope - i actually think you should go to your friends house and smack her round the chops for screaming at your child

Original poster
gibberish · 12/12/2007 00:55

Oops, don't know where that last 'have I done wrong' came from.

Ah well. A medal to anyone who reads and understands any of this - to many dds and friends and dds friends... confusing.

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Original poster
gibberish · 12/12/2007 00:57

Thanks custy. I was absolutely livid. Did have that out with her but it has carried on since then.

Tired with it all. Don't want dd2 to be upset but can see the whole thing happening to her in too a year or so.

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Tortington · 12/12/2007 01:01

would tell dd2 that whilst its an unfortunate circumstance family come first and people screaming at sister is not on.

rather than it being about friend - make it about stupid bitch mum from hell.

soon it will get back " my mum wont let me play with you becuase your mum is unstable"

amytheearwaxbanisher · 12/12/2007 01:04

thats awful for your dd1 and made ten times worse by your friend,she hadly expects you to go there for the week after saying dd1 wasnt welcome

Original poster
gibberish · 12/12/2007 01:07

Yep, that's pretty much what I told her. Though left out the words 'bitch' and 'hell' lol.

Feel sorry for friend's daughter actually, despite the way she has treated dd1. Her mum has made her give up every single one of her friends (because she feels they are 'too old' i.e. showing an interest in clothes and boys) and dd2 is now the only one she has. Which is why I feel it is only a matter of time before dd2 will be deemed 'unsuitable' too. Awful really. Her dd is 13. Woe betide her once her mum finds out she too is starting to be interested in boys and makeup.

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Original poster
gibberish · 12/12/2007 01:08

Thanks amy. She does, unbelievably. I don't quite know what where she thinks dd1 is going to stay whilst we are there

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amytheearwaxbanisher · 12/12/2007 01:10

put your dd2 in a mini skirt and makeup bring a fake boyfriend for her and your mate will deem her unsuitable and that will be the end of herhow old are your dd1 and 2 if you dont mind me asking

Original poster
gibberish · 12/12/2007 01:17

That should do it - banished forever!

dd1 is 14, dd2 will be 13 next month. Her dd will be 13 next month too.

What makes me convinced that my 'friend' is behind this is that when dd1 and her dd actually get together, they get on fine. It is once we are back home that the trouble starts again, her dd saying again that she doesn't want to be friends with dd1. When we visited last, her dd told dd1 that she would really like dd1 to come to stay but they musn't tell her mother that she said that

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amytheearwaxbanisher · 12/12/2007 01:20

thats terrible could you not have it out with her mam

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gibberish · 12/12/2007 01:27

I've tried. I stew over what I'm going to say for days, get it all in my head but when I try to say it it all just gets lost beneath her ranting. She is a very forceful person and can talk her way out of anything. I can't and just end up getting talked down. Come off the phone kicking myself for not having said what I want to. I might try writing down what I want to say this time so that I don't forget.

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onebatmother · 12/12/2007 01:30

Oh horrid
sorry gibber not stalking promise
regardless of ins and outs if dd1 isn't welcome then none of you can go, realistically.
V Hard for dd2 - but perhaps she's old enough to understand the family solidarity idea?

poor both of them tbh. your friend seems to have manufactured a fairly ghastly sitch that will hurt everyone - she sounds loathesome tob.

onebatmother · 12/12/2007 01:31

and by tob i mean tbh, of course.

chipmonkey · 12/12/2007 01:33

gibberish, why are you friends with this mad woman?

onebatmother · 12/12/2007 01:33

OR could try writing and posting letter, rather than writing what you want to say and then bein g overwhelmed by her forceful personality..

shit would hit fan, but that's going to happen at some point.

maybe good to be a little way away when shit does hit fan anyway!

ChristmasShinySnowflakes · 12/12/2007 01:33

In my opinion you have done exactly the right- and best- thing for your daughters and family.

Original poster
gibberish · 12/12/2007 01:35

Don't mind stalking. Feel strangely flattered lol.

Just writing it all down has made me feel better actually. Can see how unreasonable and actually horrible she is being. Imagine treating a child like that! Despite what her dd has done, I wouldn't DREAM of banning her from the house! It's absolutely ridiculous.

Fortunately dd2 is very loyal to her sister. Had a talk to her and she understands that dd1 is being treated unfairly. She will get over it but was awful to see her so upset when she is completely innocent in all of this. Has lost a friend through no fault of her own.

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onebatmother · 12/12/2007 01:35

mmm.. good point chipmonkey, tho suspect that gibber doesn't want to upset dds 1 or 2

onebatmother · 12/12/2007 01:37

i said not stalking!
but ou are on active threads, hurrah!

Original poster
gibberish · 12/12/2007 01:42

chipmonkey, her dh was my dh's best friend. was our best man. 'friend' has always been very opinionated but i coped with it until we had our children. we fell out for years and years after she informed me that my dd1 was 'backward' (that was the expression she used - disgusting) as she was not speaking fluently before she was 3 and that I would harm the girls permanently by working and having a childminder look after them (her dh is loaded so she has never needed to work).

Our dh's stayed friends so it was easier to make up with her again, which we did. But as time has gone on she has become more and more judgmental. I think the time has come to end the friendship. If we are not good enough for her now, we never will be.

However, she has been very generous, materially, to us. As I said, they are very well off, and she has spent a lot of money on the girls, taken them on holiday and so on. So I guess this is what has made me put up with the way she has treated us over the years. Her dd said to dd1 last week that she shouldn't upset her mum after all she has done for us.

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Original poster
gibberish · 12/12/2007 01:44

Thanks SS.

OBM, my very own stalker, I would be scared to write to her because she would hold me to ransom by my letter forevermore! Mind you, I'm actually quite good with words on paper. Verbally am crap.

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oldnewmummy · 12/12/2007 03:39

Sounds like a toxic friend to me.

The sooner she's out of your life the better.

slim22 · 12/12/2007 05:06

What?
You actually did put up with that sort of crap or is expected to and be gratefull because she spends money on the girls?

What a generous family friend!

Don't write, don't call. End of discussion. Let her figure it out.

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 12/12/2007 06:37

I would cut all ties tbh. She sounds a nightmare.

NappiesGaloriaInExcelsis · 12/12/2007 07:39

im with slim on this. explain to her that her behaviour and attitude are abhorrent if you like. if and when the opportunity arrives and if it would help you to close the matter for yourself.

but you owe her nothing. so dont bother if you dont fancy it.

what a nasty person she sounds. how very dare she treat your dd1 like this? am always baffled by full grown adult women behaving like spiteful pea brained little teenagers.

gibber, you have categorically done The Right Thing.