Newborn Sleep - At Breaking Point

[PippityChippity]

I have the most lovely 4 week old DS who just doesn’t sleep at night time. He is basically nocturnal. I am now on day 5 of having less than 2 hours sleep overnight and I’m at total breaking point. The moment he is put down in his cot after a feed when he is asleep, he wakes up and will point blank not settle until he is picked up and put back on the breast. He sleeps fine on my husband or me, day or night but won’t settle at all if he is put down/not in his sling and being carried etc.

I suppose my question is, what the hell can I do? Husband is convinced that breastfeeding isn’t helping this as he also needs to be fed in order to fall asleep (Or be in his sling in order to be settled by movement). I’m reluctant (Very reluctant actually) to give this up but I must admit that DS is totally focused on the breast (Won’t accept me giving him a bottle of expressed milk without a boob top up after yet is fine with my husband doing this). We’ve gone against midwife and HV advise and I’ve started expressing some milk in order for my husband to feed him but that’s tricky as he has a demanding, very busy job so harder for him to be up all hours with DS when he won’t sleep.

We don’t know how to address the issue with DS not wanting to be put down to sleep either - We point blank will not be considering bed sharing due to SIDS risk and husband and me both being people who move a lot during sleep. We have no idea what else to do to actually enable me to sleep. Sleeping during the day on weekdays is pretty much impossible as husband works so can’t look after DS and he won’t sleep unless he is sleeping on one of us which means it’s then not safe for us to sleep! Does this actually get better? I’m at breaking point; I’ve needed the loo since about 3:30 but haven’t been able to go as can’t put DS down or else he screams! Husband is due to work away for a few days later on this month and I am terrified of a night alone with DS currently for fear of falling asleep while feeding him etc. We have absolutely no family support close by either so are very limited on that front too.

I’m not really sure what I’m asking or expecting here. I’m absolutely exhausted and cannot carry on like this. What am I doing wrong? We’ve had so many people tell us that this is normal but how the hell do you manage to exist on so little sleep?

Your post actually gave me flashbacks! I almost felt sick reading your message. My DS is nearly one and I remember the sleep deprivation so vividly. I actually didn't leave the house for 3 months as I could barely function (it was lockdown as well!).

The only thing that worked for us were bizarrely me and DH used to sleep in the lounge until about 1/2am as generally I found it easier to wake up from the sofa and tend to DS than forcing myself out of bed. Then after that feed I knew I would probably only have to get out of bed once during the night and mentally that helped.

Also I would warm the moses basket with a hot water bottle and then put DS down into a warmish mattress. I then used to place a hand firmly on his chest so he still felt like he was being held! That helped a little.

Also I soon realised that DS used to sleep for a longer stretch from about 6.30 until 11. So I would sleep whilst my husband held him or if we could get DS down we would both sleep. We literally gave up dinner to sleep.

No other tips other than to say hang in there and you are doing a fab job mama! X

DD1 was like this - she would only sleep on my chest, with me sitting half upright. In the end I learned to sleep like that - propped up by various pillows so I didn’t move during the night. Even then it was only half sleep really.

With DD2 we had a Sleepyhead and I think that helped so much. I think they are now not recommended for overnight but I’m not sure that’s due to any actual problems. There were also similar “baby nests” available as I recall.

Co-sleeping or sleeping with baby on chest or using a baby nest is not completely safe under SIDS rules but please remember that being exhausted is really not safe either. Exhausted parents can make dangerous errors of judgment, trip over while carrying the baby, fall asleep when they are driving etc. There is no perfect answer here and personally I would take the small risk of co sleeping or a baby nest over the much larger risk (IMO) of trying to function on 2 hours’ sleep.

Best of luck - it will get better x

You’re doing your best, remember that. Hope love to dream works for you. Also don’t apologise for not wanting to co sleep. A friend of mine accidentally rolled on her baby and he died. As such I cannot and will not co sleep. My baby is now 6 months and she’s so happy in her bassinet and cot at night but up to 12 weeks would only really nap in her pram or sling (she needed movement). You’re right - white noise is variable. We used this . She also loved watching these (nothing to do with sleep but gave us some respite).

Our second DS nearly broke us with this too - we took shifts. By week 7 it got a lot better. Hang in there - you're doing a great job x

What am I doing wrong?

Absolutely nothing.

My first baby was similar to yours.
I refused to co-sleep (due to worry about SIDS) until the health visitor pointed out that it was better to plan to fall asleep together safely then do so accidentally because I was so overtired (she also used the words "your situation is unsustainable as it is" which was true). I know you mentioned that you don't want to co-sleep, however it might be worth bearing the safety aspect of accidentally falling asleep together in mind. For what it's worth, we started co-sleeping and it was a game changer. Being able to breastfeed lying down helped too!

My second baby will sleep for a few hours on his own without issue, we haven't done anything differently, it's just personality!

Things that might help:

Swaddling (but depends on your baby - my first didn't take to it - don't stress if this is the case, it's often raved about but not always a failsafe solution!)

Walks in the pram. If you find that movement helps, you can buy automatic pram rockers.

A sling. An absolute lifesaver.

White noise.

Breastfeeding (or not) is unlikely to influence the sleeping situation. To be honest, I was always thankful that I didn't need to worry about sorting out bottles during the night as that was one extra hassle I just didn't need when so tired. It's also useful being able to feed lying down (even if you're not co-sleeping, it feels more restful).

Finally, remember that this is normal (a pp mentioned the 'fourth trimester) and that it will get easier.

Lots of good advice already.
Just to add, our little one sleeps arms up, and hated swaddle but liked a combo of one cellular blanket wrapped fairly tight around her body up her neck at back but below her arms (this on before feeding to sleep), plus once in cot another cellular blanket over her like a duvet well below arms/face, tucked in tight level with body at sides of cot, but left untucked/loose over legs so she couldn't kick it off. Seemed to give benefits of swaddling but arm freedom. Also had to move out of crib to cot early for room to move arms in sleep without hitting them and waking up. Good luck.

Trying tapping lightly in the dummy while its in his mouth

It sounds like you are being used for comfort sucking…why is he uncomfortable? Reflux, intolerance to something in your milk?

I really feel for you it’s such a tough time. My baby boy is 4 months now and was exactly the same. I breastfeed but we ended up giving him one bottle of formula before bed. This meant my partner could give this to him and I went to bed early so I managed to get a few hours sleep. His first stretch of sleep also increased a little which was nice!
He hated the next to me so we ended up putting his Moses basket in it and it helped massively. We would have white noise going and also attached the rockit to the next to me which gave a slight vibration. I also used to put his Moses basket sheet down my top during the day so it smelt of me! Also when transferring him to the Moses I would keep my hand on his chest for a few mins which seemed to help.
Really hope it starts improving soon. It doesn’t feel like it ever will at the time but I promise you it will!

Definite improvement last night - Managed 2x lots of 2 hours sleep but he woke just before 5 and has cried every time I’ve tried to put him down again. We have an Owlet which he wears too and that shows a significantly better sleep which was pleasing! We tried the swaddle, a wind white noise and also a slightly different, slower technique of putting him down with my hand resting on his chest for a few seconds.

I don’t think he has reflux and neither does my GP. He doesn’t display a lot of the symptoms of reflux and many of the things that are meant to combat reflux, I do anyway whilst feeding.

Many of you have recommended side feeding but this is something that I find really difficult; I have an over supply of milk in my left side which basically renders it impossible for me to feed from that side without having DS sitting up/his head higher than bottom when feeding. I can do it from the right but I don’t really want to feed entirely from the right side whilst my supply is still settling. The left side would also then end up massively engorged and painful by the time morning came around. I’m hoping once my supply settles a bit more, this will be possible though.

Out of curiosity, we also tried DS in bed with us for a short period this morning but he didn’t settle (Because he wasn’t asleep literally on one of us) and we were unsure as to whether our mattress was firm enough as he was rolling slightly inwards towards me? It’s a memory foam one.

Something else we thought of was seeing if he sleeps in his pram as he is out like a light in there when we take him for a walk. Not sure if that’s an acceptable thing to do overnight though?

@PippityChippity A lot of pram bassinets are approved for overnight now - you can check online. I had the egg and it was approved. So i'd think that was a really good option if yours is. You can also get a rock it which will gently move the pram - i'm not sure if that's ok overnight but you could use it while he's setting if necessary?

Don't worry about side lying feeding, i couldn't do it either for the same reasons as you've mentioned until he was much older. He was more robust by then as well so i felt better about having him in my bed x

@PippityChippity

Definite improvement last night - Managed 2x lots of 2 hours sleep but he woke just before 5 and has cried every time I’ve tried to put him down again. We have an Owlet which he wears too and that shows a significantly better sleep which was pleasing! We tried the swaddle, a wind white noise and also a slightly different, slower technique of putting him down with my hand resting on his chest for a few seconds.

I don’t think he has reflux and neither does my GP. He doesn’t display a lot of the symptoms of reflux and many of the things that are meant to combat reflux, I do anyway whilst feeding.

Many of you have recommended side feeding but this is something that I find really difficult; I have an over supply of milk in my left side which basically renders it impossible for me to feed from that side without having DS sitting up/his head higher than bottom when feeding. I can do it from the right but I don’t really want to feed entirely from the right side whilst my supply is still settling. The left side would also then end up massively engorged and painful by the time morning came around. I’m hoping once my supply settles a bit more, this will be possible though.

Out of curiosity, we also tried DS in bed with us for a short period this morning but he didn’t settle (Because he wasn’t asleep literally on one of us) and we were unsure as to whether our mattress was firm enough as he was rolling slightly inwards towards me? It’s a memory foam one.

Something else we thought of was seeing if he sleeps in his pram as he is out like a light in there when we take him for a walk. Not sure if that’s an acceptable thing to do overnight though?

www.thesleeplady.co.uk/silent-reflux/

This list in link above helped me realise mine had silent reflux x