Newborn Sleep - At Breaking Point

[PippityChippity]

I have the most lovely 4 week old DS who just doesn’t sleep at night time. He is basically nocturnal. I am now on day 5 of having less than 2 hours sleep overnight and I’m at total breaking point. The moment he is put down in his cot after a feed when he is asleep, he wakes up and will point blank not settle until he is picked up and put back on the breast. He sleeps fine on my husband or me, day or night but won’t settle at all if he is put down/not in his sling and being carried etc.

I suppose my question is, what the hell can I do? Husband is convinced that breastfeeding isn’t helping this as he also needs to be fed in order to fall asleep (Or be in his sling in order to be settled by movement). I’m reluctant (Very reluctant actually) to give this up but I must admit that DS is totally focused on the breast (Won’t accept me giving him a bottle of expressed milk without a boob top up after yet is fine with my husband doing this). We’ve gone against midwife and HV advise and I’ve started expressing some milk in order for my husband to feed him but that’s tricky as he has a demanding, very busy job so harder for him to be up all hours with DS when he won’t sleep.

We don’t know how to address the issue with DS not wanting to be put down to sleep either - We point blank will not be considering bed sharing due to SIDS risk and husband and me both being people who move a lot during sleep. We have no idea what else to do to actually enable me to sleep. Sleeping during the day on weekdays is pretty much impossible as husband works so can’t look after DS and he won’t sleep unless he is sleeping on one of us which means it’s then not safe for us to sleep! Does this actually get better? I’m at breaking point; I’ve needed the loo since about 3:30 but haven’t been able to go as can’t put DS down or else he screams! Husband is due to work away for a few days later on this month and I am terrified of a night alone with DS currently for fear of falling asleep while feeding him etc. We have absolutely no family support close by either so are very limited on that front too.

I’m not really sure what I’m asking or expecting here. I’m absolutely exhausted and cannot carry on like this. What am I doing wrong? We’ve had so many people tell us that this is normal but how the hell do you manage to exist on so little sleep?

You absolutely need to bin any house work/ doing anything productive while your LO sleeps during the day. Even if you can't actually sleep just lie down and rest.

I echo the others here - this will pass but you are in the thick of it now. You need an arms up swaddle and white noise.

Can you breastfeed lying down? It really helped me, you can rest while baby feeds. Please look at the lullaby trusts guidance on safe co sleeping. If you are breastfeeding it really isn't that risky if you do it correctly. Co sleeping safely is much much better than accidentally falling asleep on a sofa or sitting up. Honestly I don't think I'd have made it if we hadn't coslept.

We tried the u shape at the bottom of the next to me underneath the top sheet. If you look up how they do it in nicu that’s we we tried it helps them feel enclosed but leaving the head and arms free.

Other than that I also tried side feeding while they where in there next to me, it takes some practice. And then coslept occasionally, if you look up the safe cosleeping guidance it has some good tips.

Just do what you can to get through this first 6 weeks, you are doing a great job 🥰

I’ve needed the loo since about 3:30 but haven’t been able to go as can’t put DS down or else he screams

Put him down and go to the loo... seriously, in the kindest possible way you are being ridiculous! If he is somewhere safe, you can pop to the loo....if he cries for a minute, so be it. It really isn't the end of the world

My baby also had a little reflux problem so wouldn't like being led down flat.

I ordered the " Babymoov Cosydream Original Ergonomic Support Newborn Reducer " on Amazon. (Checked with my healthcare advisor) and this was amazing until they start to try and roll. The legs are raised and this really really helped settle.

Every baby is different and it's all trial and error to see what works for you xx

It's hard because you are fighting against nature and all the baby's survival instincts. We evolved as a species that carry our babies and sleep with them tucked up with their mothers, so the baby doesn't know he's supposed to sleep alone in a cot.
I'm not sure I really have a solution and you've had lots of good suggestions with white noise, dummies and swaddling, but just wanted to let you know you aren't doing anything wrong and there's nothing wrong with your baby - he's just being a human!

I’ve needed the loo since about 3:30 but haven’t been able to go as can’t put DS down or else he screams!

My DD screamed every time she was put down for about 7 months. Didn’t matter what I was doing, if I needed to put her down to go to the loo, or to make a quick lunch, she’d scream. I’d put her in a bouncer in the kitchen, be chatting and singing and pulling silly faces while making the quickest lunch ever, she still howled the entire time. It was miserable.

But there was no alternative, you can’t go all day without the loo, or a bit of food. So he’ll just have to cry. I used to put DD on a big fluffy towel in the doorway while I went for a wee, again singing away at her to try to keep her happy. Didn’t work, she was still hysterical the moment I lifted my hands away from her - there was no alternative as she also screamed in slings. It won’t harm him to cry for 30 seconds while you wee.

My daughter sounded similar. She only wanted to sleep on me, BF to sleep and didn’t like dummies or swaddles.
We had some success with warming side crib with a hot water bottle and transferring her once asleep but this was not reliable. My DP could not settle her at all as she just wanted to be breastfed.
TBH, I ended up co sleeping which I know isn’t for everyone. I did not plan this but was so exhausted due to her waking every 45 mins ( one sleep cycle) that I was desperate.
DP moved to the spare room and I followed safe co sleeping guidance. She was about 12 weeks old by this time and we had tried everything (bar CC or CIO which is not for us). I slept through at that point because she could access the breast herself and I was no longer required!

My toddler was the same, co sleeping wasn’t even helpful at first as he’d only sleep on me not next to me and even that was up for debate most nights. I remember just willing him to sleep in my arms so I could stay awake and watch tv all night but he’d just scream instead.

Ultimately time was the only healer but I’ve heard good things about cranial osteopathy but he was a lockdown baby so we couldn’t get out to see one. He also had silent reflux which explained a lot - have you checked the symptoms?

Love to Dream swaddle helped from about 4 weeks onward. As did tag teaming everything, I slept 9-12 and then did midnight - 6am and then my boyfriend took over so I could get a few more hours.

I don’t believe I’ve ever left my baby to ‘cry it out’ but I have totally left him to cry (somewhere safe) when I go for a wee/get dressed/do something that needs doing and he’s 19mo now and I still do that now. If you need a wee please go for a wee, you have needs that need to be met.

As awful as it sounds time truly was the only thing that helped, it got a bit better at 4 weeks and then I remember at 12 weeks everything being SO much better. Until then throw the towel in, accept all help, look up how to safely co sleep just in case. Get sleep in wherever you can and try to eat good food and drink to keep your energy up as best you can. It will get better.

We had the same, my DD is 11 weeks now though and she does finally sleep in her crib but only at night. All day time naps are still either on me or in the pram/sling. It's very normal.

At night, I feed her to sleep in bed (dimmer lamp on lowest setting) with me while the cot is warmed by the hot water bottle under a blanket (she has her sleeping bag on too as our house is quite chilly) then I give her 10-15 mins once she has unlatched, do the arm drop test and slowly transfer her to the crib (legs/bum first, head last, holding her tightly until shes down), keep my hand firmly on her stomach for 10 seconds while I put the white noise on (loud) and turn the lamp off. It took a while to get to this point but now she will sleep between 5-6 hours after this and then goes down the same way after the night feed.

It doesnt work during the day though, no idea why so I pretty much hold her all day until DH gets home! But it's a lot easier having managed a good night time stretch of sleep.

Good luck x

I completely sympathise with you. I have an 8 week old - these first few weeks are so mentally and physically demanding. Especially considering you only gave birth four weeks ago and need to recover yourself.

You may not want to hear this right now but you just need to get through these initial few weeks and I promise it will get easier. It already has improved for me!

It helped me with my DS to change my mentality a little and lower my expectations - your baby has only been in this world for 4 weeks. His instinct is to be close to you because he spent the last 9 months living inside you!

Be kind to yourself, enjoy the snuggles and you will get through this!

Babies are basically the same now as they were when we lived in caves. They're defenceless little creatures who would be vulnerable to predators if left unattended, so they evolved to scream if left alone.

I'd be reading about safe sleeping, setting up for it then transferring baby from your bed into a next to me type cot. Feed lying down. Wait until the baby has been asleep for a few minutes before you attempt to transfer then pretend you're putting a pizza into a pizza oven - shift across very slowly and gently.

Stopping breastfeeding will not make a difference. This bit doesn't last forever, focus on nothing but care of the baby and sleeping when you can.

It's survival mode just now.

I used to express as my little one wouldn't latch ,he'd also get a top up bottle of formula. He 100% slept better with my milk.

Now he is fully ebf and sometimes just needs a comfort feed and he's asleep in no time.

Don't give up on BF if it's something you want to continue .

I would persevere with the dummy but i second what others have said about looking into silent reflux.

In the meantime you definitely need to find a way to look after yourself as best you can - otherwise you can't do the best job for your baby which you clearly want to do.

I used to go to the toilet holding my boy. Does yours settle in a bouncer - i also used to use that in the bathroom to go to the toilet or have a shower.

Can you go to bed early and leave the baby with your husband downstairs and then swap when he comes to bed?

Do you have anything like a sleepyhead that the baby is happy in during the day?

Some babies are born a bit ‘jet-lagged’ and need help establishing their circadian rhythm.

Is his environment light enough and noisy enough during the day and dark enough and quiet enough at night?

You especially want to avoid exposing him to blue light at night. Make sure the curtains are open during daytime naps, if natural light is in short supply maybe even consider renting one of those light boxes for seasonal affective disorder.

I would advise against expressing milk during the day and feeding it to him at night. Night milk contains melatonin which sends babies to sleep whereas day milk and especially morning milk contains cortisol which keeps babies awake. Plus at this age you really don’t want to risk causing nipple confusion.

I was very lucky with my ds. When he was a newborn he would nurse about once an hour during the day, maybe take a catnap or two, then he would have an hour long feed just before bed. He would then sleep for six hours, wake for a feed, sleep another three hours, wake for another feed, then sleep for another hour or so. Hopefully your ds will fall into a similar routine once he has learned the difference between day and night.

Thank you all so much for so many helpful replies! I really do appreciate it so much and a lot of you have raised some brilliant ideas that we haven’t thought of.

I’ve managed to find a Love 2 Dream swaddle on Facebook marketplace which I’m going to collect this afternoon. Good timing as DS has nearly outgrown his sleeping bags so will replace them with these swaddles if this works or even helps. A lot of you have suggested good techniques of putting babies back in to their cots once asleep with hands on their chests or stomachs which isn’t something we’ve tried yet so will give that a go.

Husband is working from home this morning so I was able to leave DS with him for 3 hours in his sling while he got on with some work and I slept which worked well. I really struggle to switch of mentally enough to sleep later on in the day so mornings/early afternoons for sleep work best. It’s tricky at times as I rely on my husband to watch DS while I sleep and am reliant on him working from home or not having meetings (Or having meetings with understanding people in case DS stirs/needs a nappy change etc!) so it’s not always possible. Husband really does do his best considering he has a busy, stressful job to juggle as well as a newborn and me! He has also used some annual leave to try give me a bit of extra support over the next few weeks which should help too.

I think the suggestion about getting outside is interesting too; I had a caesarean and have been recovering from that which has meant that we’ve spent a huge amount of time at home until very recently. I now feel well enough to drive and am able to walk a bit more too so will start to prioritise a short walk every day. DS seems to love fresh air and trips in the car so should be good for him to be out and about a bit more too, as well as me.

I’ll also see if I can experiment with white noise sounds as a friend of mine said her DD slept better when certain white noise sounds were played over others. Lots of you have suggested co sleeping/bed sharing again but my husband won’t even consider it and it’s something I feel really quite nervous about. What he did say though is that when he is working from home and has a quiet afternoon/morning, he would be happy to work from a chair in our bedroom and keep an eye on DS and me as we sleep to see if the co sleeping arrangement might work.

We are yet to find any bouncer (We brought one and have tried an additional 3 from friends and family members who have visiting…!) or chair that he will settle in. He has a jungle gym mat in his nursery which he likes for very short spaces of time but screams hysterically if we go out of sight. I managed to sort out some of the newborn clothes that he has outgrown a few days ago and he laid on it for a good 20 mins which was probably the longest he has successfully gone without being held for! It sounds like patience, perseverance and prioritising sleep are key here.

i would advise against expressing milk during the day and feeding it to him at night. Night milk contains melatonin which sends babies to sleep whereas day milk and especially morning milk contains cortisol which keeps babies awake. Plus at this age you really don’t want to risk causing nipple confusion.

It’s the opposite. The one advantage of exclusive expressing is being able to switch the milk.

(I did it for a year.)

I think it’d be your decision if you wanted to co sleep, if you’re doing the night shifts and feeding it’s up to you IMO. When my toddler was younger we slept with him in the middle of me and the next to me, so my partner wasn’t even in the equation. Even if you never intend to do it I’d definitely look into how to co sleep safely as there’s no debate that following the safe sleep guidelines is infinitely more safer than accidentally falling asleep in an unsafe place/position.

Have you tried a swing rather than a bouncer? Mine both settled better in the swing when tiny. I have the Fisher Price take along swing.

@PippityChippity I’m just coming out the other side of this at 16 weeks. DH and I did shifts to hold baby allowing him to sleep on us as that’s the only way anyone would get any sleep, we would do 3 hours at a time and then swap, but as I’m BF it meant I would sometimes get woken in my sleep ‘shift’ to feed. At 3 months I started cosleeping, and I hated it, so two weeks later we decided to persevere with putting him in his crib, and we are now 10 nights into him sleeping in his crib, which feels absolutely amazing! I found it so difficult when in the middle of it and felt like it was never going to get any better, but it did. Being in the same room all asleep is the best feeling after such a difficult start with sleep. I know a few more months if this seems like a lifetime, but it may improve faster and it WILL get better. Also FYI breastfeeding to sleep is quite normal and not an issue x

Also I will just say that with us I think cosleeping severed as a tradition to getting him to sleep in his crib. He wasn’t used to/didn’t like sleeping on his back before and would wake within minutes of being put down, but when I started cosleeping I fed him laying down so didn’t need to move him afterwards, so he got used to being on his back. I’ll never know if I had tried this sooner if he might have gone in his crib earlier, but could be worth a try? X

P.s why won’t your husband consider bed sharing? Mine slept in the spare room and I bed shared with DS alone to keep things as safe as poss x

I would also try cosleeping. It's the only way I got ANY sleep with DD (who also had undiagnosed CMPA and silent reflux). There are ways to safely cosleep...

Lots of good advice already and I've not managed to Read the full thread so apologies if it's repeated

My tips:

Keeping baby exposed to sunlight during the day and letting it sleep with noise in the background so baby starts to differentiate between night and day

Ensuring baby is feeding as best as it can , burping properly then sleeping a decent length.

If keeps feeding then consider silent reflux (they comfort feed) , or fast let down etc , possibility of tongue tie so not feeding efficiently

(Also wanting to stay upright is a sign of silent reflux)

Try those swaddle blankets that come with Velcro on them

Assuming there are no issues but baby simply wants comfort then Keep trying to put baby down, eventually they will get used to it

By 6 weeks it gets easier!

@PippityChippity I’m just reading your first post again, and I will say that I was absolutely terrified of co sleeping, but it got to a point where that was far safer than risking falling asleep holding him. Do your research into cosleeping, you might be surprised to find it’s safer than you think. In my case, I only did it for 2 weeks as I hated it, I couldn’t shut off as it still made me anxious, but at least I was resting and baby was safe, rather than me sitting up staring into darkness holding baby and desperately fighting sleep, which I did for almost 3 months and was at my wits end!