Talk to me about being a Boy Mom!

[Harlequin1088]

So I'm 16 weeks pregnant and at our scan yesterday, my partner and I were given the lovely news that we're expecting a little boy.

This is my first child (partner has two sons from a previous marriage) and to be honest I was convinced the baby was a girl so it has come as quite a surprise!

Mothers of boys - can you please tell me what it's like? Any recommendations for books/websites on positive parenting too please. ☺️

I've got a girl and 2 boys and one there is no gendered difference in their interests or the way I parent them. Every child is unique.

I have a boy, there is absolutely nothing I've done parenting wise in his almost 2 years that is any different to what I would have done if he had been a girl, except for covering his bits during nappy changes to avoid him peeing across the room.

It will be a lovely adventure just like it would have been had you had a girl. I wouldn't look at books or website to be honest as the baby won't have read them.

As others, it's no different, you don't know any different.
Boys are very loving, a bundle of energy.
I love having a boy!

As babies, I believe boys are pretty much identical to girls except that you have to remember to point the willy down at each nappy change (or they'll pee up and out of the nappy)!

As larger children, I think many parents are more indulgent towards boys behaving antisocially (pushing, taking toys, not sharing) than they are towards girls. In my opinion it is incumbent upon the parent to teach boys the same good social behaviour you'd teach girls and not just let them off with a happy cry of 'Boys will be boys!' That's a cop out statement imo.

Otherwise: depends on the boy, really. I have two and one ticks all the stereotypes (aggressive, fart jokes, domineering, physical) while the other doesn't (reads incessantly, deeply thoughtful, can send hours on quiet focused activities). They are all different, so support their strengths and work with them to overcome weaknesses.

Ah the nappy changing advice is a good start! Pointing it down wouldn't have occurred to me so I think you lovely ladies have saved me from a face full of pee!😂

I'm quite against the "Boys will be boys" statement - I agree that it's a cop-out and also feel it sends the message that their sex excuses them from poor behaviour.

I have both girls and boys. What's between their legs means less than what's between their ears when it comes to parenting. I have a teenager who is currently getting ready for a football match and will no doubt spend the afternoon painting. My 12yo will spend the day practicing their piano and working on the maths extension problem they got for half term (they are one of the best at maths in their year at school), my 9yo will play computer games, read and have a swimming lesson. Can you tell from that list which is a boy and which is a girl? The biggest difference we've had is teaching the girls how to stand up to with sexism and teaching the boys not to be sexist or misogynistic.

Your child is unique and will have their own personality. They need love, exercise, love, sleep, love, food, love, books, love, play, love, education, love but the details of that will depend on you and them. The NHS book about their first few years is the best basic guide because there's not some author behind trying to make mega bucks by selling some concept that has no scientific basis. If you have to read something read Pink Brain, Blue Brain by Lise Eliot which gives sensible achieveable advice on avoiding stereotyping your child. Enjoy your parenting adventure!

I have three dc and if I described their personalities and likes you would almost definitely identify the wrong child as the boy. His friends too are lovely and polite.

I guess the only advice is to do what you can to counter society stereotypes. Zero tolerance for aggression. Encourage equality in the home - starting with your partner. Place an emphasis on education without being too pushy, boys are less likely to attend university, especially poorer white boys. Obviously though university isn't what every child wants but encourage them in their passions and show them that their future is important to you. Enjoy your child.

@JaninaDuszejko do you have a link for the NHS book please? I can't seem to find it on a Google search.

Thank you for your post, I found it really informative.

I’ve got one of each. The only thing is to push against gender stereotypes. Either child can play with any toy, any colour can be your favourite, clothes fairly neutral.
No statements like don’t cry like a girl, or boys are tough that sort of thing.

Oh and try to keep working- it sets up a good precident for equality for your son and it means you are more likely to avoid the trap of the woman being the one to stay at home (assuming that your partner is male). Ideally you would both work part time say three/four days a week so you each get a day with sole responsibility for your son, this is also more tax efficient, but I realise that this might be difficult with child support so see if your partner could work condensed hours. It also means you have more equal power in the relationship and if it goes wrong you have the finances to do something about it. This will benefit your child too.

If you’d need a positive parenting website, you’d need one if you were having a girl too. I’ve found the site Aha Parenting insightful over the years. Main piece of advice is don’t constrain your children into gender roles.

Expect wee on,around and anywhere in the vicinity of the toilet.

You're welcome.

I imagine being a boy mom is the same as being a girl mom. The only difference is that a boy mom has a baby with a penis

I have two sons who are amazing, but I’m sure if I had two daughters they’d be amazing too.

Mum to 4 boys here. They are simple creatures who need love, cuddles and fun. And plenty of exercise. As they get older ...listen to them, it's a easy one to forget as sometimes they don't say much....but when they do really listen . Also a car ride is priceless, I get more out of mine on a car journey than anytime else .

#1 is definitely don't think of yourself as a boy mum or him as a boy first and child second.
You'll be a mum, and that's wonderful, and he'll be wonderful and his own person too
With multiple DSs I find you have to actively counteract some of the rubbish that people and society tell them about being boys - whether excusing behaviour they'd never let their sister get away with because 'boys will be boys', or giving them only robots and no toy babies, or not giving them credit for being caring and careful. I also think it's so important to teach them young about consent, no point teaching our daughters to themselves safe if we aren't teaching our sons to keep others safe.

Definitely yes on pointing the willy down in the nappy too!

I have 2 boys (maybe a 3rd on the way, would be delighted, 17 weeks! 😃) and we’ve never had wee everywhere 😂

@Cattitudes

Oh and try to keep working- it sets up a good precident for equality for your son and it means you are more likely to avoid the trap of the woman being the one to stay at home (assuming that your partner is male). Ideally you would both work part time say three/four days a week so you each get a day with sole responsibility for your son, this is also more tax efficient, but I realise that this might be difficult with child support so see if your partner could work condensed hours. It also means you have more equal power in the relationship and if it goes wrong you have the finances to do something about it. This will benefit your child too.

Thank you. This is something I've been trying to explain to friends who can't understand why I'm not counting down the seconds to become a stay at home Mom!

I'm self-employed running two businesses and have 3 part-time employees so luckily the business will still tick over while I'm on maternity leave.

My partner works shifts so he does a 4 on, 4 off pattern. On his 4 days on, I'll stay at home with our son and fit in my admin/paperwork bits around his care so I don't have to leave the house and my staff will cover any appointments with clients we have booked in for those 4 days. On my partner's 4 days off, he'll be at home caring for baby while I go into work and have all my client appointments and meetings on those four days.

Effectively it means our world as a family will be split into 8 day cycles but it will also mean that the business I spent years building from nothing will continue and my son will be able to see first hand that both his mother and father worked equally hard to provide for our family.

If you love your boy and talk about everything and anything and include feelings and teach them understanding feelings etc, just as you would for creating any lovely human you can't go far wrong.
My ds is emptionally literate, intuitive at understanding people, funny, kind, not boisterous would rather read a book than rude a bike (though he does both) bright and does great cuddles.
Enjoy him and love him whatever his character, all you have to do is teach mutual respect and you're fine.

@Yafilthyanimal

Expect wee on,around and anywhere in the vicinity of the toilet.

You're welcome.

Whatever you accept you can expect.

I have a girl and boy and don't raise them differently. I expect them both to pull their weight at home (they are teens) and the same standard of behaviour. my relationship is different with each due to their characters. DD hates physical contact and DS can't get enough cuddles.

I know you’re just using it to mean “mum to a boy” but I really hate the phrase “boy mum” when used to suggest that boys are massively different. For example, I am fb friends with a woman who uses it all the time. She’ll post a couple of pics of her toddler covered in mud from the park, and some muddy footprints in the house with the caption “only boy mums will understand 🤣🤣”
Oh yes, because of course the clothes and shoes people buy daughters are actually magical and repel mud, meaning mothers of daughters never have muddy children or muddy footprints, you vacuous twit.

As everyone's saying, there is no difference to the child. However, unfortunately there is a difference to how society is set up to treat them. If your son will become a white man then he will be born with a huge amount of advantage already. I want my boy to be a feminist, and anti-racist, aware of the advantages he's had through the accident of his birth, and whilst being self assured, be confident enough to be an ally to those less fortunate. I'm trying to raise him in this way, full of love and confidence in who he is but also conscious and critically aware of how society may advantage or limit him and others. It's a journey I'm on and I don't have all the answers but it's important to me to try.

One small thing - in my experience, the default in books is male. Example, Dear Zoo is full of animals but every single one is a "he". This is the same in most books, and also tv, eg The Gruffalo. I found that my own internalised patriarchy also meant I used "he" as the default in everyday life, eg "look at that squirrel over there, isn't he nice?" Instead I try to use "she" 50% of the time. In the Dear Zoo book and others I actually wrote "she" in the text on some of the pages, to remind me to read it that way. This may sound militant to some but if we just perpetuate the patriarchy nothing will ever change and our sons will grow up to absorb the status quo instead of being critical and questioning of it. Similarly I expose my son to as much diversity as possible, where we live and through choice of books and characters etc, to try and ensure "white" isn't the default. Not always easy.

Obviously the most influence at first will be what he sees at home and that's hard, as I do most of the housework whilst DH works longer hours, but we are conscious that it's important our son sees DH sharing household chores like cooking, cleaning etc, and also sees his mum being a different role from only mum and working in my career during his childhood.

Anyway that's just my tuppence worth and it's all a learning curve.

I forgot to add - validating his feelings, following Philllipa Perry's advice in her book - and creating space for him to express his feelings, cry etc and accepting those. So much male toxicity comes from men feeling they need to suppress their feelings in my opinion - big boys don't cry etc.

I have one boy and another on the way. I don't know anything else as don't have a girl to compare it to but I can't imagine it'd be any different.

My son is very loving, funny, chatty and energetic. I'm excited to see if his brother has the same traits or is completely different x

@Bbbbbbbbear that’s a really good point re books. I remember I initially assumed the Gruffalo’s Child and Bluey were both boys, to my shame. It is ingrained. I think the key on a personal level is noticing it and being aware of it, as you mentioned. I feel pretty powerless on a societal level so just focus on my own home.

Not a book OP, but I just received my first copy of Sonshine magazine (look them up on Instagram) and liked it!