My mother keeps accusing me of child neglect

[Kanfuzed123]

So I need to know who is insane here. DH and I know for sure we do not neglect in any way shape or form our child. Dd is 2. I want to put that out there flat out so no confusion, yet my mother continues to imply and flat out accuse me of neglect.

For context she and I have a difficult relationship, she was abusive as a teen and a narcissist and I was the scapegoated child.

So I need a reality check.
Big trigger for my mum is my daughters size- she follows 9/25th centile for everything has done since birth. In regularly accused of starving her. She has 3 meals and 3 snacks a day, along with milk. We eat a wide array of food (no pork- Muslim). I don’t offer her sweets like candy lollipops, but we have treats like cake and chocolate here and there. No HCP has ever any issues but it constantly comes up and the lack of sweeties is neglect and abuse and ‘f’ing up her childhood’
She also accuses me of neglect over the type of food I feed her, as it’s not ‘British’ enough. She’s also triggered by the cuts of meat we use- I.e. slow cooked mutton for Jamaican curries, or chicken thighs. Apparently this is neglect.
Where we buy her clothes and the style of clothes- this is probably one of the biggest ones. Full disclaimer I don’t buy designer clothes for DD as it seems a waste. She goes to nursery and they said don’t send them in good clothes they’ll get ruined, so we tend to send her in multipacks from George asda as she dirties her clothes all the time. This is apparently disgraceful. We tend to buy a fair few multipacks in general for her home clothes from places like H&M and next, again because she dirties them. She’s mainly a leggings and tops kind of girl she doesn’t like dresses and tights (think it gets in the way of her playing). We mainly get her clothes from next, m&s, George, TU, H&M and maybe a few bits and bobs from tkmaxx. Some times I do sale shopping too for bits. It’s what we can afford- I see 0 issue with this. It’s normal right? I’ve had constant accusations of neglect and abuse and how mortified my mother is seeing her because she looks like an urchin. Her clothes are always clean and ones that do have food stains on that don’t budge we use as our outdoor exploring clothes or our arts and craft/ messy play clothes.
Toys- another big one- I won’t list all the toys and books dd has but you could honestly say it’s too many. But a huge blow out occurred when dd was 1 and she wanted her to have one of those amazing huge wooden climbing frames. They are lovely but we live in a new build house with an adequate yet smallish garden so we don’t have the room. The garden is also on a slope. Cut to her ordering a £1000 climbing frame the dimensions of which were larger than the garden (width wise). This was a huge deals and again accused of fucking up dds life and ruining her childhood.
She’s also insistent that DD is behind and this is a sign she’s neglected. Big one is she can’t read yet (she’s 24.5 months old) and can’t count (she knows numbers but can’t count per se). She’s sailed through all her HV checks and her nursery have no once highlighted a concern.

There’s so many more examples, she’s not spent a night away from home since she was 3 months - neglect. Not been on holiday- abuse. Doesn’t have a pretend makeup counter - miserly.

I could go on honestly. I know I’m not mum of the year, nor would I pretend to be, but are the things we’re doing bad? Those are acceptable places to buy kids clothes right? I feel like I’m in the twilight zone a bit.

Be an even better Mum and remove your mother from your DDs life. She is and your brother are toxic.

I'd go no contact before your daughter is old enough to remember her. She'll poison your daughter's mind one way or the other. No way is a continued relationship going to be healthy for you or your daughter.

Sorry.

I’ve considered going nc with her for a long time, we’re already v LC most communication is via text, for the walk away factor but also proof of what’s been said, she often ‘forgets’ all the things she says . It just seems so drastic and I do feel bad going NC for my ‘old’ recently widowed mother but I do worry about her influence on dd, especially with how she still treats me and how she is towards DH (hint: awful, like a second class citizen because he’s brown, I’ve called her out on it loads but because she buys him ‘nice’ c mas gifts she doesn’t see it… 🤨).

I think the texting or emailing pictures with a caption of what dd is up to is a good idea and not too far removed from what we do now. She definitely sees herself as the victim here though, she’s trying to ‘stick up’ for my daughter before I ruin her life

@Tittyfilarious81

That's not neglect op ,your mother sounds quite unhinged

This^ Go NC on her until she passes a mental health check.

Go NC with your batshit mother

@Muttly

Your mum is an abusive person. She is attacking you to build herself up. You can almost bet that her mother was exactly the same and she is just carrying on a pattern of behaviour from her own upbringing.

Having to constantly deal with her criticisms is likely to affect your parenting so don’t as much as you can. I don’t have advice because dealing with extremely dysfunctional family members is a personal thing and only you can decide what you should do. It is so tough though and you don’t deserve what she is doing to you.

Actually @Muttly growing up until maybe the past 5 years before she did, GM and mother were very very close. It was actually one of the things my mum used to accuse me of, getting in the way and taking her away from her parents. After GF died, GM spent more and more time at our house eventually moving in and that caused a lot of resentment from my mum and my mum started acting out a lot- weird things like going on holiday and telling her family she went one country but actually going to a completely different place, not coming hone after work, going out drinking on the weekends, refusing to answer calls checking on her welfare- quite teen like behaviour. GM eventually warned DH when they met on how unstable she’d become.

Not a weird bereavement thing then @Kanfuzed123.

I'm very sorry for you, and I think you're going to have to take steps to protect your child and your own sanity.

I had a tiny bit of this with my MIL but she is sage and can recognise a boundary so all I had to do was point out firmly that she needed to stop the digs or she wouldn't see much of us. I'm not sure your mum will respond so positively.

Your mum sounds bonkers and also racist. Sadly I suspect the weirdness over size, clothes and toys would have happened no matter who you'd married though.

Nothing wrong with you’ve said. Sounds completely normal. I’ve never said this on here but I would deffo keep her at arms length and have as little contact as possible

Nope definitely not a weird bereavement thing, unfortunately a much of a muchness and continuation of the same!

I do worry sometimes if I tread wrongly with her she’ll call social services or something stupid or tell somebody an overly embellished story about poor dd and her ‘dirty old clothes’ and they’ll call social services. They could stay around for eons and there’s nothing to find or uncover- I just don’t need that hassle in my life

As someone who experienced actual neglect and abuse as a child your mother is an ignorant bitch who hasn't got a single clue about what actually constitutes as abuse and needs a serious reality check. Her veiws are insulting not only to perfectly normal parents (such as yourself) but also to any child who has ever been neglected or abused. my mother refused to buy me underwear at all as a teenager, I stole my sisters old knickers - I'd have been quite happy with a multipack from primark

Social services get loads of calls like that from malicious people. Worst that happens is they pop out for a quick check, see all is well and that's that. While they're out you give them the heads up about your mothers spite.

Maybe they'll be able to give you some advice on it too. And if they keep getting sent, maybe you'll make some new friends from it xD

You parent in a similar way to me - my children could not be more nourished, loved, happy and balanced. There is not one thing you have described that is in any way abusive or depriving. Not one thing. Your mother has a number of serious problems - narcissism being the tip of the berg.

You are not, and never have been, responsible for pleasing your mother. Cut her off completely, consider getting yourself some therapy and don’t change a single thing about your parenting. Loves x

@KevinTheKoala

As someone who experienced actual neglect and abuse as a child your mother is an ignorant bitch who hasn't got a single clue about what actually constitutes as abuse and needs a serious reality check. Her veiws are insulting not only to perfectly normal parents (such as yourself) but also to any child who has ever been neglected or abused. my mother refused to buy me underwear at all as a teenager, I stole my sisters old knickers - I'd have been quite happy with a multipack from primark

Thing is @KevinTheKoala after quite a lot of reflection I realised she abused and neglected me too. I never was taken to a dentist past the age of 8, I recall her making fun of me in y4/5 of school for weighing 5 stones and feeling so relieved to find out I actually weighed 4.5. Got worse as I got older, possessions smashed, for a long while the only clothes I owned was my school uniform, work clothes and pjs as everything else was ‘confiscated’, physically and verb abuse. But as a little girl I had nice dresses, one even cost £40 back then and we went to Disney so I clearly had a nice childhood 🙄 its been absolutely maddening to hear these things from her, it had made me start doubting myself! Thankful to know it’s not me!

There is no law that you have to speak to your mother. I cut my toxic father and his partner off for good in 2011, no regrets.

You're doing absolutely nothing wrong! It's all very normal and your mother is not a nice person...I would consider not seeing her. It seems to me the most likely thing to harm your dd (mentally) would be seeing your mother.

On the clothes, even if you could afford more expensive ones, why bother for kids! They'll only be stained or grown out of and supermarket clothes are great. And stains don't matter - definitely send her back to nursery in the stained ones, they'll only get more stained as they should because she's having fun and learning, not worrying about clothes

Of course you’re not neglecting your Dd. Your mother however is continuing to be abusive towards you.

My mum used to say very similar things to me. It used to upset me, I’d ring my dad (parents were divorced) and asked him if I thought I was neglecting Dd (mum used to rave on about the fact I worked full time). Dad completely backed me up.

With my mum it escalated, she’d frequently report me to SS. She’d tell me stuff like “my friend X is a magistrate and thinks Dd ought to be removed from your care”.

I went NC with her in the end.

I’ve only very recently found out the stuff she used to tell Dd. Dd is an adult now and says my mum used to say stuff to her like your mum doesn’t care enough about you. And used to make dd write letters to me telling me how sad she was that I didn’t play with her enough. Dd said she would tell my mum she didn’t want to write the letters but my mum made her and told her to give me the letters. Dd used to rip them up and bin them…..this is when she was primary age.

Just be careful as your Dd gets older that your mum doesn’t try and poison her mind.

Mother if you comment on how I raise my child one more you will no longer get to witness her grow. She is my child and I will raise her as I see fit. Springs to mind.

You need to grey stone her. She is being a massive narcissist.

Any sane adult knows this is not neglect.

What she is doing is her new form of neglect toward you

I would work on thinking your mum is mad as a box of frogs and stop letting it bother you. Have confidence in your own parenting and enjoy this time of your daughter’s life.

She's gas lighting you as she knows she was a crap parent herself and wants to project that on to you to justify herself.

This won't change, so I'd give her an ultimatum that she either zips it or you cut all ties.

To be honest I don't see how you can maintain contact with this loon.

I'd seriously go nc with your mother. She is aiming to isolate you from everyone. In her eyes you were in the way with your grandmother, your husband is wrong, and your daughter is neglected and should be removed. Its an abuse tactic to make her completely in control of you.
I went nc with my father around 3 years ago when after a lifetime of emotional and mental abuse from him, he started on my son (aged 1) and I was done. I have nothing to do with him apart from the absolute necessary. He received 3 texts about my last baby (i'm pregnant, its a boy and he's born).
Life is better for it

Just been reading a thread about an abusive DH who said awful things to his wife and then asked "What did I say then, I don't remember anything" and it reminded me of what your mother said about denying the things she has said.
If you are worried about straight out NC and think she is capable of mending her ways, Texting is useful: "I found your comment about DH or xyz very hurtful. Please do not say such things again." Then its on the record and she knows it is.
In fact, you have described her behaviour here very clearly and I think perhaps you need to write to her, as she doesn't listen, and set out some of the things that are unacceptable to you.and say that it cannot continue.
Sometimes people need to be told straight and she will have had her warning

Also you don't have to see much of her, or tell her much about your life if this is the use she makes of the information.

I once overheard my DM lying to my toddler about the scary consequences if they didn't keep their shoes on. It was very troubling I wouldn't let her be unsupervised with them after that.

@Mammyofasuperbaby

I'd seriously go nc with your mother. She is aiming to isolate you from everyone. In her eyes you were in the way with your grandmother, your husband is wrong, and your daughter is neglected and should be removed. Its an abuse tactic to make her completely in control of you. I went nc with my father around 3 years ago when after a lifetime of emotional and mental abuse from him, he started on my son (aged 1) and I was done. I have nothing to do with him apart from the absolute necessary. He received 3 texts about my last baby (i'm pregnant, its a boy and he's born). Life is better for it

That honestly makes so much sense @Mammyofasuperbaby, i wasn’t allowed to see friends in school either, no after school activities except work. She’s told me a few times as well her side of the family doesn’t consider me family etc. All about isolation!

Thanks for your insight! I’d really never seen it that way but it makes so much sense now that you’ve said it!

It might be smart to stay in touch for a few more weeks/months and video record all of her conversations. Then send a message stating why you are going NC. She may “forget” or deny everything you claim, but you will have evidence if she calls SS.

@Justilou1

It might be smart to stay in touch for a few more weeks/months and video record all of her conversations. Then send a message stating why you are going NC. She may “forget” or deny everything you claim, but you will have evidence if she calls SS.

Good idea! Just in case xx