My mother keeps accusing me of child neglect

[Kanfuzed123]

So I need to know who is insane here. DH and I know for sure we do not neglect in any way shape or form our child. Dd is 2. I want to put that out there flat out so no confusion, yet my mother continues to imply and flat out accuse me of neglect.

For context she and I have a difficult relationship, she was abusive as a teen and a narcissist and I was the scapegoated child.

So I need a reality check.
Big trigger for my mum is my daughters size- she follows 9/25th centile for everything has done since birth. In regularly accused of starving her. She has 3 meals and 3 snacks a day, along with milk. We eat a wide array of food (no pork- Muslim). I don’t offer her sweets like candy lollipops, but we have treats like cake and chocolate here and there. No HCP has ever any issues but it constantly comes up and the lack of sweeties is neglect and abuse and ‘f’ing up her childhood’
She also accuses me of neglect over the type of food I feed her, as it’s not ‘British’ enough. She’s also triggered by the cuts of meat we use- I.e. slow cooked mutton for Jamaican curries, or chicken thighs. Apparently this is neglect.
Where we buy her clothes and the style of clothes- this is probably one of the biggest ones. Full disclaimer I don’t buy designer clothes for DD as it seems a waste. She goes to nursery and they said don’t send them in good clothes they’ll get ruined, so we tend to send her in multipacks from George asda as she dirties her clothes all the time. This is apparently disgraceful. We tend to buy a fair few multipacks in general for her home clothes from places like H&M and next, again because she dirties them. She’s mainly a leggings and tops kind of girl she doesn’t like dresses and tights (think it gets in the way of her playing). We mainly get her clothes from next, m&s, George, TU, H&M and maybe a few bits and bobs from tkmaxx. Some times I do sale shopping too for bits. It’s what we can afford- I see 0 issue with this. It’s normal right? I’ve had constant accusations of neglect and abuse and how mortified my mother is seeing her because she looks like an urchin. Her clothes are always clean and ones that do have food stains on that don’t budge we use as our outdoor exploring clothes or our arts and craft/ messy play clothes.
Toys- another big one- I won’t list all the toys and books dd has but you could honestly say it’s too many. But a huge blow out occurred when dd was 1 and she wanted her to have one of those amazing huge wooden climbing frames. They are lovely but we live in a new build house with an adequate yet smallish garden so we don’t have the room. The garden is also on a slope. Cut to her ordering a £1000 climbing frame the dimensions of which were larger than the garden (width wise). This was a huge deals and again accused of fucking up dds life and ruining her childhood.
She’s also insistent that DD is behind and this is a sign she’s neglected. Big one is she can’t read yet (she’s 24.5 months old) and can’t count (she knows numbers but can’t count per se). She’s sailed through all her HV checks and her nursery have no once highlighted a concern.

There’s so many more examples, she’s not spent a night away from home since she was 3 months - neglect. Not been on holiday- abuse. Doesn’t have a pretend makeup counter - miserly.

I could go on honestly. I know I’m not mum of the year, nor would I pretend to be, but are the things we’re doing bad? Those are acceptable places to buy kids clothes right? I feel like I’m in the twilight zone a bit.

My mother, who chose for a husband a heroin addict that liked to hit her and me, has accused me of neglecting my kids for not getting them the latest i-phone when they were still at primary school, to abusing them if they got nappy rash. She wanted the kids to love her more than me and undermined me at every turn while my darling stepfather couldn't be bothered with them. When they got older, the both scapegoated one child while making a golden child out of the other. That it took me so long to see through the FOG and cut them out is one of the biggest regrets of my life. It sounds like your mother is doing the same thing. My mother always gaslit me as well - she always claimed I had the perfect childhood. Your mother sounds like she is going down the same road. Don't be me, OP, stand up to her now.

You've had some great advice already OP and I'm just going to echo that you should probably limit contact even further. Your mum shouldn't make you feel this way, you sound like an absolutely lovely mum.

To be honest, your mum can't spot neglect even when it's smack in front of her face as she's clearly still neglecting your needs! Personally I'd just say if she has nothing supportive to say then not to bother at all.

None of that is neglect. Not even close. Your mother is really nasty. There's something you do that I don't agree with but it's exactly that - I personally wouldn't do it. You aren't doing anything wrong or neglectful in any way at all and if I knew you it's not something I would ever bring up never mind call you neglectful for it. I would just stop speaking to her altogether it's not good for you and as she grows up, it won't be good for your daughter.

I can tell you where this leads as I had the same - it lead to me constantly seeking their approval and they then started doing the same to my children.

We had a huge bust up and they aren’t talking to me as I don’t respect their ‘feelings’ ie I stand up for myself so do yourself a favour and repeat ‘I’m an the mother and I make the decisions for my daughter I don’t seek your opinions so don’t offer it - if you don’t respect me or our views and insist on stating yours - you will not be involved.’ Repeat

You know you're correct. There's nothing in your post that would remotely concern me and you actually sound like a brilliant mum. Your daughter sounds like she's on track for her age and if there were any concerns regarding her weight, development or how she's dressed then the nursery wouldn't hesitate to refer you to people who can help. The fact that they haven't speaks volumes. There wouldn't be a 25th centile on the chart if a quarter of children weren't normally under it.

Your mum sounds toxic and I'd stay low contact with her because she'll start affecting your daughter's self esteem as well as yours. Don't give in to her.

Grandparents are nuts. My mum told me when my eldest was about 18 months old that I was limiting her life opportunities by letting her say "me want milk" instead of "I would like some milk please mother" 🙄

I agree with all the PPs; your mum sounds very manipulative. Sorry that you had to grow up like that and now have to navigate this next instalment of the saga.

Your little girl sounds very well-cared for by a sensible mother who understands what truly matters for her well-being.

It sounds like you are doing a brilliant job to me. Your daughter eats healthily, with treats included in moderation. She is following her centile curve - that is what matters, not which one they are on. The places you buy her clothes are perfectly normal. They all make really lovely, easily wearable clothes for children, and you are not wasting money on expensive things that will last all of two minutes. There is a limit to how many toys will fit in a house or garden. It is a family home, for all of you, not just your daughter. And she has lots of different toys to play with and things to do at nursery too. As for not staying away overnight, a) there's been a pandemic and b) I wouldn't leave my child with someone who completely disrespected my way of doing things (for all you always have to make some allowances).

I don't think you need telling this. You know it yourself. The problem is that your mother is grinding down your confidence. You stick to how you want to do things. I know it is hard (from MIL experience) but this is YOUR daughter, not your mum's. She's already had her turn, and by the sound of it made a lot more mistakes than you are making, and continues to so.

She needs to make a choice - butt out or miss out.

You sound like a fabulous, sensible mum whose child is having a brilliant childhood.

I am a Chair of Governors at a Primary School in East London and was really interested when one of our Parent Governors opened up to us when we talked about childhood obesity and strategies for independence. We are probably around 98% Bangladeshi in our school for context. She explained that Bangladeshi children were very much babied until they were around seven, especially the boys and that as with a lot of societies, food was used as a visible sign of love. Lightbulb moment for our staff.

Think you might consider neglecting her for a while until she shows you more respect as a great and self reflective mother.

Your parenting all sounds great, I wish more children had outdoor exploring clothes instead of pristine designer gear, which must be clean at all times- hampering expression and development.
The berating you for not celebrating Christian festivals in a Muslim household is equally mad, if not bordering on Islamophobia (sp?).

Wow - she'd think my son terribly neglected then! His clothes are all multipacks from Next or H+M. Im the same as you - I cannot justify spending a lot of money on clothes for toddlers. Its pointless. The garden climbing frame sounds ridiculous, and quite frabkly just makes your mum look like an idiot.

She doesnt sound like shes going to be a positive influence in your daughters life so id minimalise contact.

Thank you all! I needed that touchstone with reality!

You’re all spot on, it’s toxic oneupmanship, and it really will affect DD moving forward. Because it had been making me feel like shit, I’d been ‘forgetting’ to call or being ‘on the loo’ or ‘in the shower’ when she was FT-ing and she accused me of trying to create distance between her and DD and rationing her time, which I guess I was but it’s because every interaction even if it start of innocuous ends with me either being angry or feeling like shit and questioning myself.

Also @LatteLady my mum is white british, just nuts, although she did baby my brother, still does. He’s also not a particularly nice person- they are v similar

@QueenofLouisiana

Your parenting all sounds great, I wish more children had outdoor exploring clothes instead of pristine designer gear, which must be clean at all times- hampering expression and development. The berating you for not celebrating Christian festivals in a Muslim household is equally mad, if not bordering on Islamophobia (sp?).

She’s possibly the most islamaphobic person I’ve ever ever met. I won’t articulate some of her views, but she’s called my husband a terrorist on a few occasions and his family muzrats or muzzies. She’s also tried to say his family assaulted her at our wedding. There were 200 guests no one witnessed this.

That’s what I think about clothes too, DD loved arts and crafts so we get the paints, glue and crafts outs often, especially when the weather is crap. We’re also super blessed to live close to a few nature reserves so we like to go out exploring there and leaf and flower collecting there when the weather is good- she can’t do that in a Ted Baker dress and little ballet flats, she needs leggings and sturdy pair of trainers/ boots that can get muddy.

She’s possibly the most islamaphobic person I’ve ever ever met. I won’t articulate some of her views, but she’s called my husband a terrorist on a few occasions and his family muzrats or muzzies

Based on this id reduce contact to 0.

I have a FIL whos racsist, sexist and well into conspiracy theories and calls everyone who believes 'mainstream' stuff stupid. Hes not a nice person to be around and I minimise contact to 0 as much as I possibly can.

@Kanfuzed123

Condolences on your DF.

From what you've said I think it's possible that your mum is an abusive person who is beating you with any "stick" she can get her hands on.

Or that she's such a complete narcissist that she believes that what your toddler wears somehow reflects on her.

I wouldn't want her anywhere near my child, or in my head.

I know it's a serious thing to do, but in your shoes I think I'd tell her she has to stop or you'll have to reduce/stop contact.

And when she doesn't stop, you'll have to follow through.

What would she say about her behaviour? How would she justify it? Is it worse since your DF passed away?

Gosh, I couldn't cope with all this. Your child is not neglected. Your mother should see some truly neglected children before she starts calling you out. I wouldn't give her too much of my time, if I were you. She sounds like very hard work.

Your mother is abusive
Protect your daughter from this crazy
Every time she criticises you you hang up on her and send a text message warning her contact will end if she is negative about your parenting

Well, she's just doing that thing that narcs do! She's better than you, knows better than you. Has to feel superior. Has to undermine you.

I'd just grey rock it all, especially is you don't want to go NC.

Or, play her at her own game. Oh, these ratty clothes? Yeah, I'd have thought you'd have bought her something nice.

Developmental delay? Why don't you buy her some educational toys? Pay for private school, mum?

But grey rock is probably the better option!

You are being entirely reasonable and normal as a parent and your mother is not. If I were you I would send pics of dd once a month with an email saying what dd has been up to, but I would stop FaceTime contact and any other form of contact where she can “get at” you. She is being very unpleasant and doesn’t deserve the amount of contact you’re giving her.

I could easily afford designer clothes and prime cuts of meat every day, as well as all the toys in the world. No way in hell would I buy them.
My child gets supermarket multi pack clothes, a variety of food (whatever we're eating, often chicken thighs or mince meat or tinned tuna), we replenish library books weekly and get 2nd hand toys from charity shops.
Why would I waste money?

It's not about the price tag, it's about meeting your child's needs, spending time with them and giving them a lovely childhood.

You need to have the confidence to tell her you're right and why.

Also, not reading by 24 months? Of course she's not!

@PrincessNutNuts she’s always been bad. It started with DD being born at a low birth weight. Constant comments on how embarrassing it was and how well so and so’s daughter did having twins that were over 61/2 lbs each. DD got to her current centile by 5/6 months and has stayed ever since.

The comments about clothes were straight away from birth, horrified DD was in baby grows all day from asda. She was but it’s so much easier than outfits on a newborn who has explosive poops 6 times a day lol.

DF used to temper her and tell her to mind her own business and calm down especially around the toys and clothes. You know I have very distinct memories of getting vest and daps from Woolworths back in the day so I fail to see how George is any different. Haha. So now he’s gone there is no one there to water down the crazy or to tell her she’s being unreasonable. God only knows the version of events she tells her friends

Agree with others. She sounds awful. You sound like a great mum

I got told by MIL my kid had "too many clothes-more than herself!" and don't get me started on amount of toys. He was tube fed from 8 months and on two diuretics as he has/had medical issues so frequently needing changing far more than a normal child. We barely bought any toys back then we were given so many from friends and family. It doesn't matter how you live there's toxic people who want to tear you down to make themselves feel better. My kid is 21 so it's hard to forget the negativity but thankfully we don't see her often. Please cut her out of your life you deserve love and peace not hate

My Mum is the same, but she was good with DS up until a month ago when she started to turn on my son (also nearly 2) in the way she turned on me. I have gone really low contact now & am considering cutting her off altogether. That might be best for you too?

I have a narcissistic mother who made me feel terrible as a child and unfortunately also now due to trauma.
Everything you are saying you do for your DD is very normal, buy your mother's gaslighting is making you question your judgement.
She absolutely should NOT be behaving the way she is but I suspect she is doing it to make her feel better about her own failings. It isn't you.
Read 'Peg Streep' if you need more help with your relationship with your mother and understanding it.