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Original poster

Son not bonding with dad

30 replies

Nicky1016 · 29/10/2021 08:38

I am looking for some advice if anyone else has experienced this please . My two year old son does not let his dad in emotionally and always seems to dislike him . I have no idea why because he is the best dad and gives him so much love and attention . My son is in my full care 5 days a week , he does not go to nursery just stays with family for two days a week . We have a close bond me and my son he always wants me over anyone . I just do not know why he won’t let his dad comfort him , cuddle him , or sometimes even play with him . They do mess around chasing each other but that’s about it . Will he grow out of it ? Is it something we are doing wrong ? Any help appreciated as it’s getting both of us down

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Sirzy · 29/10/2021 08:40

Do you ever go out and leave the two of them alone?

Bagelsandbrie · 29/10/2021 08:41

@Sirzy

Do you ever go out and leave the two of them alone?
Yeah this.

I would bet he spends more time with you so to some extent this is normal.

LakeShoreD · 29/10/2021 09:21

Yes does he ever have him on his own?

Presumably your DS is ok with the family that provide childcare because he’s knows you’re not an option. You can probably solve this by taking a step back and just leaving them to it. If for example he doesn’t want to play with dad then that’s fine, but you shouldn’t swoop in- either he plays with dad or on his own. Go out and leave him with his dad more.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Behaviour & development Childcare & nursery Families
YRGAM · 29/10/2021 09:22

We have the same situation but the other way round. It's still very bad but we've found that the non-favoured parent spending a big chunk of time with our son, preferably a full night, helps things a tiny bit.

I'd say the best thing you can do is avoid tantrums and meltdowns relating to your son not wanting your husband, as this will make everyone feel much worse.

Original poster
Nicky1016 · 29/10/2021 10:43

It is quite rare for them to be on their own for long periods , I mainly am there at wknds but I do work some and he is very frosty when I’m not even there . Is it normal for him to want me so much as I spend so much time with him ?

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Original poster
Nicky1016 · 29/10/2021 10:45

@LakeShoreD

Yes does he ever have him on his own?

Presumably your DS is ok with the family that provide childcare because he’s knows you’re not an option. You can probably solve this by taking a step back and just leaving them to it. If for example he doesn’t want to play with dad then that’s fine, but you shouldn’t swoop in- either he plays with dad or on his own. Go out and leave him with his dad more.

Yeh he is fine with family and leaves me fine to go with them but if his dad takes him he seems to want me . I am going to take all your advice and step back and get them together more alone x
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Original poster
Nicky1016 · 29/10/2021 10:57

@YRGAM

We have the same situation but the other way round. It's still very bad but we've found that the non-favoured parent spending a big chunk of time with our son, preferably a full night, helps things a tiny bit.

I'd say the best thing you can do is avoid tantrums and meltdowns relating to your son not wanting your husband, as this will make everyone feel much worse.

Thank you , I am trying my best to ignore it but it’s hard puts me in the middle . Can I ask why you think your partner isn’t bonding ? X
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Weenurse · 29/10/2021 11:02

We found this when DC were young. DD1 said she was Dads and DD2 was Mum’s.
This stopped when DH stayed home for a year when DC were 3 and 4, and was primary parent. We never heard it again after that.
Step back,take up a hobby and leave them to it.

Original poster
Nicky1016 · 29/10/2021 11:03

@Sirzy

Do you ever go out and leave the two of them alone?
It’s not very often to be honest , a few weekends here and there x
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pairsinparis · 29/10/2021 11:05

I wrote a thread very similar to this early in the week, but my DS has just turned four. The general consensus was that it seems to be not that uncommon, and that the children grow out of it. Disheartening for DH though, isn't it!

RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 29/10/2021 11:06

“Frosty” “not letting his dad in emotionally”

Who used these phrases about your child?

Original poster
Nicky1016 · 29/10/2021 11:12

@pairsinparis

I wrote a thread very similar to this early in the week, but my DS has just turned four. The general consensus was that it seems to be not that uncommon, and that the children grow out of it. Disheartening for DH though, isn't it!
Thank you for that that’s made me feel better knowing it is normal and yes very disheartening ! X
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Original poster
Nicky1016 · 29/10/2021 11:14

Me , just using phrases to try and explain the situation

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notacooldad · 29/10/2021 11:15

My lads are adults now but are extremely close to their dad.
I think it does go back to when they were babies. He did a lot of the night feeds, changing etc. He played with them and took them out in the pram for walks. As soon as they started to toddle he took them to the beach and have a full afternoons with them. We both did the bed time stories.
If your son is only having some time 'here and there' of course he is going to be closer to you.

I would encourage your DH to have plenty of time alone with your son. Get him to take him swimming or go to the park and play. Dh used to snuggle up with both boys and watch their favourite kids programme.
DH knew the names of the boys favourite characters, their favourite foods etc. All this helps with bonding.

Don't worry, the relationship will develop if your DH invests time and effort with your son.

ifoundthebread · 29/10/2021 11:25

Both my kids were like this. First one warmed up to him when he took over majority of bed times and we made her go on dog walks with him, More time spent together doing nice things. Second child warmed to dh during lockdown 1 when he was home 24/7 due to not being an essential worker, then I started work so had no choice but to be his friend, now he's the favourite 🥲

Parky04 · 29/10/2021 11:28

My DS aged 2 was exactly like this. My DW then started to work on a Sunday, so it was just me and DS. He cried at first but soon stopped and from then on he was perfectly OK with me. Still preferred his mum mind you, as he does now aged 20!

FatCatThinCat · 29/10/2021 11:36

You say you have your son fulltime 5 days a week. How much parenting is his dad actually doing? Because ultimately this is down to him and how much effort he puts in. You can't absolve yourself of parental responsibility for most of the week and expect a 2 year old not to notice.

Wagglerock · 29/10/2021 11:36

My DS is all me but I think we've developed different skill sets which helps DS take it in turns spending time with us - DH is more fun in the park, I'm happier to do arts & crafts, I'm better at reading stories, DH is better at bath time. I go out a bit at weekends while DH is there to look after them so he gets solo parenting time too which helps.

RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 29/10/2021 11:47

@Nicky1016

Me , just using phrases to try and explain the situation
They’re very odd phrases in the context of. 2 year old. Quite unpleasant tbh. Your attributing intentional adult behaviours to a baby. Why?
Original poster
Nicky1016 · 29/10/2021 12:05

@FatCatThinCat

You say you have your son fulltime 5 days a week. How much parenting is his dad actually doing? Because ultimately this is down to him and how much effort he puts in. You can't absolve yourself of parental responsibility for most of the week and expect a 2 year old not to notice.
Yes I work only two days a week and my partner works 5 . I totally agree you only get back what you give and maybe he needs more one on one like you say x
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MamsellMarie · 29/10/2021 12:13

Can Dad think of something a two year old might not be able to resist. Setting up cars on the floor and a cardboard garage (made from a box), sand pit in the garden? rescue helicopter pad from a cardboard box?
I'm a DGM and have no probs getting onto the floor and playing at 2 year olds level but my DH never has done so never gets asked.

Ironmanrocks · 29/10/2021 12:21

I wouldn't worry too much as it will change massively as he gets older. My 2 year old just wanted me, cuddles, love, singing, games. Now he's 11 and dies more with daddy, I still get the love and cuddles but daddy is more fun. They play cricket, do rough and tumble, mountain biking etc. Dad is super cool now. Just tell your son how amazing daddy is, and that he has the best one ever. He will believe you and eventually the tables will turn!

notacooldad · 29/10/2021 12:35

I wouldn't worry too much as it will change massively as he gets older
Only if dad is prepared to invest time and emotionally energy into the relationship.

The words to Cats in the cradle by Ugly kid Joe ( ok I know it's a cover!) are absolutely spot on.

My friend is really upset that her son ( 18) and his dad ( her husband ) hardly ever speak and aren't close . We ask her how can she be surprised when he he did a token effort at playing when the child was small but didn't do much else together.

chris8888 · 29/10/2021 12:39

He is two, he is clingy to mum that is not unusual at all. Let dad take him out more on his own let them do fun things together and give it time.

AvocadoOrange · 29/10/2021 12:43

I think this is very normal and not something to worry about. But like people suggest maybe some regular one on one time with Dad might help- I don't think it needs to be anything fancy- just a walk or trip to the shops even.