Help me feel better about bottle deeding

[Noor1997]

Hi all,

My lovely DS turned 7 weeks today and I recently made the move to almost exclusively bottle feeding. I am feeling really down about it and have major guilt for making this decision, as it was my dream throughout pregnancy to exclusively breastfeed.

It has just been problem after problem since he was born. My milk came in really late after a traumatic birth - it took a while for my milk supply to pick up. During that time I had to top
DS up with a tiny bit of formula, (midwives at the hospital advised this out of fear he would drop a lot of weight). He was also constantly hungry and crying and feeding for hours on end.

I saw two private LC and attended numerous breastfeeding groups, I tried to follow all of the advice given, worked on my latch, pumped 8x a day to increase my supply, fed DS as much as I could, skin to skin, tried all of the natural remedies. I even tried an SNS feeding tube, which was so fiddly and made feeding so stressful for us both. Nothing increased my supply after weeks of trying. (I have PCOS so I’m wondering if that is the reason for my low supply)

In the end it was making both DS and myself unhappy. I couldn’t enjoy my time with my new baby and wasted the first few weeks of his life by putting so much pressure on myself to EBF.

So, after exhausting all options, I decided to switch to mainly bottle feeding with an occasional morning breastfeed when he’s sleepy.

I know this is the best decision for us, we are all so much happier and everyone has said DS is a different baby - he’s so much more relaxed.

However, I still can’t help but feel a huge amount of guilt for not being able to BF. I feel like I have failed DS as a mother by not providing him with the benefits of BFing. I constantly long for that connection that BFing provides and it really gets me down. Especially when I see other mums BFing effortlessly.

I know it’s silly because we are happier now, but I just wanted to know if anyone else has been through this and moved past the guilt. I feel like I’ll
carry this guilt with me forever :(

I did manage to breastfeed, but (I now realise) to the detriment of my mental health. If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have persevered for so long.

Said child is now 4, and has loads of friends the same age. I couldn't tell you which ones were breast fed and which ones were bottle fed. All have good attachments to their parents, seem equally smart, healthy etc.

You say yourself both you and baby are happier since moving to bottles, well done for making a difficult decision for the benefit of your family - it sounds like you're a great mum

I could have written this myself! I still feel a pang of guilt but mostly jealousy when I see other mothers breastfeeding. Like you I tried absolutely everything and exhausted myself in the process. Now we are bottle feeding and everyone is happier, so like you I don’t know why I feel upset about it. There is a lot of judgement, I got praised by strangers when breastfeeding, and then asked lots of questions when bottle feeding - but this was from strangers. Friends have been nothing but supportive. My baby is so happy, laughs with everyone and is so strong and healthy. I spoke to a dietician and they gave me a bit of a kick up the arse and told me not to be so silly. They said I’ve given her all the good stuff at the beginning and it absolutely does not matter to her nutrition now as long as she is fed. Once they’re on solids, you’ll wonder why you were so upset as it comes around so quickly. Nobody past the baby stage ever asks how you were fed! It’s really tough, but you’re doing nothing wrong, your baby is loved and fed and all you need to concentrate on is continuing that. Good luck and please give yourself a break, you’re doing an amazing job!

I know this is the best decision for us

This is why you should feel great. You havent failed as a mother, I think the opposite actually. I see thread after thread on here made by women who trudge on with BF even though it clearly isnt the best thing for them, probably because of societal pressure to BF. I think you're a fantastic mum for giving you son what he needs, and putting him first.

FYI I was also in the exact same situation as you. 19months later and I have absolutely no regrets.

Nobody will ask when your child starts school how they were fed as a baby. It may seem like a huge issue for you now but honestly, it isn’t. A happy Mum and baby is best. You’re doing the right thing for you both

I have two kids 8 & 4 and I can honestly say Mum guilt seems to start with feeding.. and then is constant about lots of things forever! Putting them in nursery, going away for a weekend, going out, giving them fish fingers instead of fresh fish! I am not minimising how you are feeling about breast & bottle, but hopefully now you have written down your tough feeding journey you can accept it and enjoy feeding your baby this way. There is guilt & worry all along the parenthood and actually just do your best, that's all you can do

You are doing great! I felt very similar, like I had failed some how but you get over it when you have more reserves of energy to plough back into enjoying your time with you baby. And quite frankly, I can’t even remember the pro and cons of breast feeding anymore. I just remembered that I was able to be more present and less distracted when I was with my son.

I couldn't breastfeed either. He didn't latch and he had bad jaundice and dropped a lot of weight. It wasn't ideal, I didn't feel great about it. BUT! As he got less orange, he started putting weight on and he was contented I knew I had done the right thing. He was a happy baby, and he was healthy, and if I hadn't bottle fed him he would have been hospitalised.

You are doing the best thing for your baby. You've made the best decision. Your baby will be happy and healthy and there is no better outcome than that.

Similar, I had envisioned feeding until around 2. But had to give up after 6-7 weeks. I just wasn't making enough milk. Had seen all sorts of people, gone to many clinics (who said we had perfect form etc) my baby was hungry and not putting in weight. DH had to give her the first bottle of formula as I cried and couldn't even watch her drink the "poison". But it got easier. The guilt stopped. My baby was fed and thriving. Not on the breast for an hour at a time etc.

Now she's nearly 2...a tall, strong, clever, funny, happy little girl full of beans and love. She eats like a champion, and is very happy about her new found ability to jump!

It still occasionally makes me a bit sad, but 99% of the time I thanked my lucky stars that we live in a modern world where we have easy access to the next best thing, a nutritious and complete forumla milk for our babies, and that I wasn't forced to give her things like evaporated milk, cows milk, some sort of fine porridge or Weetabix or have her not survive infancy.

I completely understand how you feel about "failing".

But I PROMISE you won't feel this way in a while. You'll look at your lovely, perfect little boy and be amazed at him in so many ways. The guilt will fade, and whilst you have every right to feel the way you do... You're not guilty of ANYTHING.

You made the right call for you and your baby. That makes you a great mum.

Hello I wanted to reply as currently going through the same thing and feel incredibly guilty for stopping a few weeks ago after two weeks. I had similar issues to you - tongue tie, poor latch, thrush, had to go to a&e etc as the midwives were concerned he could be dehydrated…it’s been awful to be honest. I stopped after two weeks and I am finding it much easier being in a routine with bottles etc and my husband being able to help a bit more. However still feel really guilty as I wanted to EBF for as long as possible! For the last few days I have been looking into relactation to see if I could manage it but I have a three year old as well and don’t have the time to be feeding and pumping 24/7. I think I will just need to make my peace with it and accept that fed is best and that my Four week old DS is thriving on formula and both of us are happier since we made the swap. I hope you might be able to do the same too!

Brutal but. You quite possibly will always feel guilty if I'm anything to go by. I always intended to bf, never considered an alternative until we couldn't do it for all sorts of reasons. I gave up on midwife advice. I still feel bad about it.

But. DD is now in secondary school. She's healthy, intelligent, active, has a moderately good diet and you honestly couldn't ask for more. So it would appear that bottle feeding did absolutely no harm and continuing to feel guilty is harming only me. I'll just carry on then...

Wow thank you for so many lovely responses. It’s comforting to know there are others who have been through the same and you all have happy, thriving children
Even just writing out how I felt has given me some sort of relief and hopefully I can accept my decision and enjoy this precious time as much as possible x

2 FF babies here - 1 didn't latch at all, 1 left me with an infected nipple and didn't put on any weight in the first 3 weeks. I pumped what I could but didn't have the willing/enthusiasm to keep going, please don't get my started on BF support. 😡 The best start I could give them? Not having a mum crying constantly because of feeding.

FF has been great for us, DH and GPs can take over easily in case of emergencies or illness, ready made bottles make going out and away easy. I do feel guilty some times but I know that's just a bit of a waste of feelings now. I can't do anything about it now!

Amy Brown has written a book on breastfeeding grief that you might find helpful to process some of your feelings. She also posts a lot of useful stuff on Instagram.

Your baby will be fine on formula and it sounds like you really tried everything you could for him so you definitely haven’t failed. You’ve made the choice that’s best for you both here and now. It’s ok to be sad that it didn’t work out how you imagined though! That feeling is totally valid.

www.amazon.co.uk/Breastfeeding-Trauma-Matter-Pinter-Matters/dp/1780666152?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Please don't feel guilty, you're doing what's best for you and your baby. Your mental health and comfort matters. No one notices or cares about others feeding choices anyway. Just enjoy your baby

I was where you are now once - I tried everything and cried when the GP told me to top up with formula. I saw BF counsellors and even bought this contraption that holds formula with tubes that attach to your nipples in a vain hope to get my baby to be more interested in the breast. But now one of my big regrets is that I spent so much time obsessing over it when inevitably it was going the way of bottle feeding anyway. I could have spent that time doing something more positive. So be really proud of what you've done so far, and carry on being proud of raising your baby, however that works for you both.
Also, I think I had a touch of baby blues which manifested itself in that obsession so even if you feel otherwise fine I'd think about having a chat with your midwife.

I didn't breastfeed for long with either of my children. It wasn't easy for a start and with Ds1 I pumped and did mix feeding to reduce my supply, with Ds2 I did mixed feeding and pumped for much longer because I knew he was my last baby. I had stopped by the time he was 3 months old. We had breastfeeding specialists etc too visit me but it still didn't help.

My sons are now 18 and 15, I know that switching to bottle feeding with formula was the best decision for both of them given the circumstances at the time. Watching Dh's face light up at being able to feed his son a bottle was just lovely and we luckily have a photo of it.

There will be many decisions you will make as a mother that will make you feel awful, you can just add this one to those worrying about this sort of thing makes you a good mother. You are doing what is best for you and your baby. There is no point having a breastfed child and a mother who is miserable.

Oh and I left one breastfeeding clinic in tears because the woman in front of me was complaining that there was too much milk and I would have loved there to be enough at least. I truly understand.

I wish people wouldn’t feel guilty. Everyone is different and I’m sure your baby is doing well.

You can always combine feed if that works. In the first two months I was using formula a lot. My milk was so low- not sure if having a c-section was anything to do with it. Some days I used only formula but my supply increased a lot since then and now I use less formula and mostly breast feed, but like I said everyone is different and do what’s best for you.

Well no one can say you haven’t tried! Cut yourself some slack…so it didn’t work out too well for you this time (I refuse to see the word fail has any place here). You’re doing what’s best for your baby, feeding him with a formula that’s been researched to the nth degree,
When he goes to school, you’ll not be able to tell which kids have been breastfed and which haven’t.
My big sister was bf, I wasn’t as my mum’s milk didn’t really come in for me, I wasn’t any less bonded with mum, I certainly don’t hold it against her, and neither will your son.
You’re doing great-amd don’t forget that!

Don't beat yourself up. I put myself through the ringer for bottle feeding DS.

He's eight now. You couldn't tell the difference. There's no way you could tell which kids in his class were bottle fed and which weren't.

I just don't think the extra stress is worth it.

Babies are happy when DMs are happy and relaxed. Let yourself of the hook and start enjoying your baby without the guilt

Don’t feel guilty, baby needs food and your feeding baby, job done

We choose bottle feeding for both ours with no worries at all. Emily Oster has written about her reading of the evidence into infant feeding benefits. Might be worth buying her second book as might put your mind at rest.