Help me feel better about bottle deeding

[Noor1997]

Hi all,

My lovely DS turned 7 weeks today and I recently made the move to almost exclusively bottle feeding. I am feeling really down about it and have major guilt for making this decision, as it was my dream throughout pregnancy to exclusively breastfeed.

It has just been problem after problem since he was born. My milk came in really late after a traumatic birth - it took a while for my milk supply to pick up. During that time I had to top
DS up with a tiny bit of formula, (midwives at the hospital advised this out of fear he would drop a lot of weight). He was also constantly hungry and crying and feeding for hours on end.

I saw two private LC and attended numerous breastfeeding groups, I tried to follow all of the advice given, worked on my latch, pumped 8x a day to increase my supply, fed DS as much as I could, skin to skin, tried all of the natural remedies. I even tried an SNS feeding tube, which was so fiddly and made feeding so stressful for us both. Nothing increased my supply after weeks of trying. (I have PCOS so I’m wondering if that is the reason for my low supply)

In the end it was making both DS and myself unhappy. I couldn’t enjoy my time with my new baby and wasted the first few weeks of his life by putting so much pressure on myself to EBF.

So, after exhausting all options, I decided to switch to mainly bottle feeding with an occasional morning breastfeed when he’s sleepy.

I know this is the best decision for us, we are all so much happier and everyone has said DS is a different baby - he’s so much more relaxed.

However, I still can’t help but feel a huge amount of guilt for not being able to BF. I feel like I have failed DS as a mother by not providing him with the benefits of BFing. I constantly long for that connection that BFing provides and it really gets me down. Especially when I see other mums BFing effortlessly.

I know it’s silly because we are happier now, but I just wanted to know if anyone else has been through this and moved past the guilt. I feel like I’ll
carry this guilt with me forever :(

I just want to add, when you stop breastfeeding there is a big hormone shift. This can really amplify any emotions you're having and can make you feel quite down.

Like all those lovely hormone shifts after pregnancy it does calm down in a few days.

I am about as pro breastfeeding as they come, but I don't think you have anything to feel bad about at all. You've tried your best, sought appropriate advice, and when things still weren't working out you made a rational and informed decision to swap to formula, in your baby's best interests. Nobody can do more than that.
It's comparatively rare for women to have supply issues that can't be resolved but I think part of the problem is tgat some breastfeeding advocates talk about ot as if it is so rare to be virtually unheard of which can lead to some women feeling guilty that either they didn't try hard enough or horrified that they are the one in a million or whatever tgat can't do it, which is very isolating.
But that's just not true. The oft quoted figure, based on Scandinavian data is that 98% of women are physically able to breastfeed. That sounds a lot, and it is important to know as it shows up deficiences in support etc here, but if you turn in round, it means that 1 in 50 women have physical barriers to exclusive breastfeeding. 1:50 isn't that rare is it? If there are somewhere around 750 000 babies born in the UK per year, that means tgere are about 15 000 mums who even with optimum support would be unable to exclusively bf. And that's before you consider those who are on meds incompatible with bf or who have other reasons. You are not alone OP and you are not a failure.You've made the best choice in your situation, which makes you a success in my opinion at least. Enjoy your baby.

I don't know if this is helpful or not but I applaud anyone who is committed to the rigmarole of preparing bottles and formula for their child. I say this as someone who bf one child til nearly two and have started again with her sibling- if I'm totally honest my motivation for BF was partly because it made my life easier.

So I have a genuine and honest respect for anyone that bottle feeds as the times we did it I was so stressed about getting it wrong.

Your baby will benefit so much from having a happy and relaxed mum, so you doing things in whatever way that allows that to happen is the best thing!

I completely understand how you are feeling. For lots of reasons stopped trying to BF DS at about 6 weeks. I'll be honest and say it took a while for the guilt to subside but he is 18 months now and an amazing, funny, loving toddler and I do not give a second thought to how he was fed as a newborn.

As an aside DD is 10 weeks and we are combi feeding and it has been a completely different journey. Could probably EBF if I wanted to but combi works for us. I think my experience with DS meant I put less pressure on myself second time round.

Of the many many things you do for your DC breastfeeding is just one small thing.

My bottle bed baby is 19, has 3 x A* at A level and has rarely if ever been more ill than the odd cold. Trust me, the guilt passes, I have no idea if any of his friends were breast or bottle fed. He likely doesn’t know how he was fed and he has never asked. On the odd occasion feeding comes up my only thought is the time I spent regretting not BF as it’s so totally irrelevant

I was bottle fed as my mum was too ill to breast feed. I never even cared enough to listen to her talk about it before I was pregnant myself. I honestly couldn't care less. My parents always did what they thought was best and they always tried there best. I have literally never ever once heard anyone say they wished their mum had breast fed them.

And there are advantages to breast feeding. I went away with friends when my baby was 6months old. Friends who were still breast feeding didn't feel like they could. That holiday did me the world of good and allowed my partner to bond really well with our baby.

Well done on making an empowered decision for you and your child and congratulations on your new baby- enjoy them, that's all you need to do x

I’ve been there and felt that. It does truly get easier and it doesn’t really hurt or cause any guilt any more now DD is nearly 4. It feels such an important thing when you have a newborn, it seems such a huge deal. But as they get older you realise it just…isn’t.

I struggled a lot with going to baby groups where it seemed like every other mum could just lob a boob out if their baby started fussing (I live in a middle class area so was a definite outlier for bottle feeding). But later I loved that I could comfort DD, just as me. Not for milk, for me. It was the touch, sound and smell of me that provided her comfort.

I do also credit bottle feeding with setting DH and I up with a much more equal approach to caring for DD. I wasn’t “default” outside of working hours because either of us could, and did, feed her. Friends who EBF have struggled to get away from being the parent who sees to everything because they’re are the parent with breasts.

@Franca123

We choose bottle feeding for both ours with no worries at all. Emily Oster has written about her reading of the evidence into infant feeding benefits. Might be worth buying her second book as might put your mind at rest.

Here’s an article she wrote

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/amp/

Fed is fed! It's such a small part of things. In a couple of years they'll have hot choc in a mug before bed. And then a few years later, before you know it, they're necking Wkd in the park.

The important thing is that it is working for YOU. It is nothing to feel guilty about.

I could have written this myself too! Gave birth in lockdown 3, v traumatic and had a very low milk supply but with no in-person support available so didnt try half the things you did! You've clearly tried incredibly hard and that's because you love your little baby. My bub is now 10 months and has been fully bottle fed since she was 2 months old - I know it was the right thing for us but I do still find it hard during Breastfeeding Week or when friends are feeding around me. All I can say is that your baby will love you so much no matter whether they are bottle or breast fed and one day you wont think about it at all, then you wont think about it for a week, then a month and before you know it, itll be something you rarely if ever think about. But huge hand hold - it's hard and you've done amazingly well.

I think if you want to breastfeed and can, that's a great decision. I think exactly the same about formula feeding (mine is formula fed)

There is way too much pressure and guilt felt about breastfeeding and it is so sad to hear of so many wonderful mums who get so upset when it doesn't work out. Your baby is fed and loved, that is what matters!

You are doing the right thing by both of you. Problematic breastfeeding can be easily solved by bottle feeding. Don't feel guilty. Millions of babies all over the world have thrived on formula for decades and will carry on doing so. There are lots of benefits including partners and relatives being free to feed the baby so they develop healthy bonds, and also you are able to take time out to be a human being, catch up on sleep or get out of the house for a few hours.

You love your baby. You are bonding in all sorts of ways. Breastfeeding is just one of them.Let no one tell you otherwise or belittle you for needing to move on to formula.

I think this is (partlly) a symptom of living in the modern world of amazing health care etc.

We forget, that, in living memory, women often died in childbirth, babies would be still born more often, children wouldn't survive infancy, because of things like malnourishment.

It feels like it's a "given" that every baby will thrive and every mother can feed their baby. But nature is brutal, and we're masked from that because we're so fortunate to have excellent pre-natal care, very poorly babies are given every possible chance if survival by medical intervention, women are cared for and monitored so much. Which, results in the very positive outcomes. But, nature is nature.
It's hard. Fucking hard. Not to be able to BF when we want to. Society tells us it's the best thing for baby, it's natural, it's convenient etc.

But had we all been mother's 200 years ago, it's a certainty likely my lad would have died, of not in the womb, then definitely before 2 (he had a lung tumour essentially). And I was unable to BF.

I'm not saying this to be a cruel or harsh cow. But to try and help in a round about way, by saying no mother has ever failed by not being able to BF. It's not in our control, it's down to whether we're lucky enough in the genetic lottery to be one of the human female homosapiens that can feed their offspring.

I hate that women feel ashamed or embrassed or a failure. But I totally get it. I felt the same. I wouldn't listen to others who told me I hadn't failed. I truly believed it at the time.

Similar to a PP I persevered with breastfeeding to the detriment of my mental (and physical) health and now regret that!

Enjoy your lovely baby, it doesn't matter how they're fed

Thanks again for your responses, I feel like a weight has been lifted!!

@00100001 thank you so much for this perspective! It actually made a lot of sense and when you put it that way I can see how harsh I have been on myself for no reason.

@BlairWaldorfLovesShopping that article was eye opening! And clearly backed by lots of research - definitely worth a read for bottle feeding mums who are feeling guilt.

@RobinPenguins that is so true, since bottle feeding, DH has had the chance to bond with DS and I can see they’re so much closer now + I get a much needed break when he takes over feeds. Felt very one sided when I was attempting to EBF and I could sense that DH felt left out in a way.

Breastfeeding reduces ear infections in babyhood but there just isn't any good evidence it makes any difference to children in the long term. Guilt is no use to you or the baby. You are providing safe, nutritious formula milk; your baby will do well on it. I breastfed both mine so I'm not saying any of the above from a biased position.

My DS has a cleft lip and palate so cannot latch.

My plan all along was to EBF via expressing, I was very naive had no idea that doing this was such hard work, so physically and emotionally draining and depressing being tied to a hospital grade machine every 3 hours. Did it once during the depths of baby blues and decided it wasn't for me, cried for about 24 hours over it and honestly just moved on when I realised that formula is amazing. Baby is thriving now 6 weeks and I've zero regrets, bonding well with the bottle and gives DP the chance to feed too.

I know the guilt all too well but it is unfounded. Hope you feel better about it all soon xx

So many of us struggle. It’s very common, but often comes as a complete shock. You’ve done more than most, and should feel proud. Keep the comfort feeds going and your dc is getting the best of both worlds. Soon parenting won’t feel like it’s all about feeding and you’ll start feeling so much better. I promise.

Anecdote: I also felt the guilt, but I’m currently watching my bottle fed extremely healthy 8 and 12 year olds eating hot dogs while chatting politely to each other. I was also bottle fed. Eventually this will be a small part of your child’s life.
(Also - get the ready made stuff! So much easier than boiling kettles and shaking powder )