A weird one...nakedness

[again2020]

Sorry for odd thread title, didn't quite know what to call it.
This happened tonight: I was late from work and with it being half term had to pick DD up from MILs. There was no time for a bath unfortunately as it was 8pm by the time I got home. I usually bath every other day, but I thought we'll do it in the morning when I'm off, no big deal.
I got DD's pyjamas from upstairs and stook them downstairs and started to ask her to put them on. She took her bottom half off and I wiped her bottom before putting her PJs trousers on. She sat there on the sofa for a second and put her hand between her legs. I tried to coax her to put her PJ trousers on. Rinse and repeat.
At this point my partner started shouting saying she shouldn't be naked in front of him, that she stunk and it was disgusting that she was 'limr that's around him. DD got a bit upset, I took her upstairs to get her sorted then she fell asleep.
Row with my partner tonight saying I'm teaching her 'bad habits' and 'shouldn't be encouraging her to touch herself' and it's inappropriate now for her to get changed downstairs and should be in the bathroom from now 🙈
DD is 3.10, for context. FWIW, I definitely don't feel like I'm doing that, but I am pretty open minded about bodies/nakedness and don't want DD to have any issues. I certainly wouldn't want her to do that in front of anyone else but she was in her own home, at night time. I'm of the view that a little bit of touching is part of them growing up.
I hope I don't sound weird or a bad parent
His partner over reacting, am I under reacting, or something else?

This is a very disturbing read OP. I’d honestly be wanting to talk to somebody about this and would be removing my daughter from his care.
My son is 3 and would be naked constantly if I let him! He is most welcome to be naked at at home but he knows any touching is private and he should do it in his bedroom and he must wear clothes when out.
We bathe together (and not every day for him) and like you, he gets a face wash and bottom wipe before bed.

It’s completely inappropriate what he has said and it’s a massive red flag

He sounds like a twat. I very rarely say LTB on here, but I honestly think this warrants it.

Totally weird and over the top reaction from your partner. Is this something he often has an issue with? Does he never dress her himself?

I do think it’s a bit strange to wipe a child’s bottom downstairs on the sofa though.

Your partner sounds batshit!
How can anyone say that to a 3 year old is beyond me if I'm honest!
And don't all 3 year olds touch themselves?
Mine is always twiddling with his todger
He sounds like he has some serious issues and I'm sorry to sound harsh but I'd feel really uncomfortable leaving him alone with my child

This is really horrible to read. He sounds like a foul bully. And I'd be concerned that his mind went to sexual stuff with such a young child. Most parents wouldn't ever think that of their own child surely?

Also shouting that she stinks was just horrible and most likely totally untrue and just an attempt to hurt her and you. Very young children don't need bathed every day. They don't sweat like adults and children going through puberty.

Ds 7 walks around naked all the time and I'm sure he will grow out of it.

@lisaandalan

I think he's over reacting, but I do think children should be bathed everyday. It would have only meant going to be 20 minutes or so later. Children definitely need bathing every day. They are busy all day and do not always wipe themselves properly.

They definitely do not need bathing daily. Any dermatologist will tell you quite the opposite! The biome needs protecting. DD gets bathed twice a week on average with a daily wash in between. More if she’s covered in mud or paint, but never daily.

A 3 year old is very unlikely to stink and the behaviour of a parent is disturbing- he doesn’t bath or dress her, makes sexual associations about a naked child and shouts that they stink. There’s enough there to suggest a potential safeguarding concern.

So you had a son, would your DP insist on doing all bathing, dressing, toilet etc?

He is being ridiculous.

Honestly this is one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever read on MN. I’m so sad for your child and honestly a little worried. Your DH reaction raises some serious red flags. I can’t believe he doesn’t even bath your dd and can’t be around her while she is naked, she’s a baby for god sake why is he looking at her naked body in a sexualised way and telling her she stinks is just awful. You need to have a serious talk with him and he needs some counselling at the very least, personally I’d be taking my dd and leaving.

I completely agree!

As PPs have said it’s one of the most disturbing things I’ve read on here for a long time.
To him to have been so aggressive about it and saying she smells too is massive red flags.

I know some seriously shit partners and some who shouldn’t even be called fathers because they do so little, but none of them would have reacted like he did about their own child.

This is one of the most fucked up things I've ever read on here!

Small children explore their own bodies, that's a very standard thing for small children to do. The normal thing to do is to tell them that it's fine but they need to do that in private, that it's bad manners to do it when other people are around etc. And with boys I suspect most parents are like me in regularly saying "for goodness sake, just leave it alone" 😂

The fact that your DH thinks that his 3yo dd being naked in front of him is inappropriate is very worrying. And the fact that he shouted about it is actually disturbing. And wtf is with him saying that she stinks? She's 3, 3yo's don't stink. They don't get BO like teens and adults do. My dc's (3 & 6) usually have a bath every night but when they skip a night they don't smell at all.

Honestly OP I'd be very seriously considering leaving this man if I were you. And I would also be considering whether it is safe for DD to be around him alone. And that isn't some dramatic LTB MN reaction, his attitude to his daughter being naked is incredibly worrying.

He is sexualising a 3 year old. He's disgusting, not her.

I don't think you were inappropriate at all OP and your DD's behaviour is certainly typical of her age and part of her development.
To be honest I find it really concerning how your partner responded and would question what his motives were for responding in that way. Why did that make him feel so uncomfortable as most fathers would just see their DD without any clothes on, not anything inappropriate as she was in her own home with her parents.

@HeyDuddy

Reading that gave me rage. What a vile human being. How dare he shame her for her body. She needs protecting from him.

This. Awful behaviour from your DP. He sees her being naked as sexual or something she should be ashamed of - no his reaction is.

My son was dry humping everything as soon as he could crawl - at nursery everything. He humped his favourite toys and even cars etc and had to do it before sleep with a nappy on. When he became potty trained it was worse to see he would do it with clothes on. He had hearing problems and trouble sleeping. It was his mode of self soothing.

At all times I was reassured by the nursery that it was ‘normal’ and although they removed the toys after a while they never made him ashamed. At aged 4 he would occasionally dry hump at home as he was no longer doing it at school by then and we stopped it by telling him to go to bed to do it or in his room and made it clear he couldn’t do it on other people. He stopped around aged 5 and I haven’t seen him do it since.

His reaction would be a red flag for me - why is he sexualising a small child? It's very uncomfortable to read, don't ignore it.

I cancelled my engagement because of exactly this.
I couldn't in all good faith be married to someone who both thought that way and also thought it appropriate to say such appalling things to our child.

Disgusting.

that she stunk and it was disgusting that she was 'limr that's around him

Stunk? WTF!

What is limr?

Very concerning. Dads look after their kids all the time, it's quite normal for a child even as old as 6 to climb into the bath with their parent. His reaction was so far from reasonable, not just the stinks bit - I'm concerned he finds young kids attractive, he certainly needs to address his behaviour