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Original poster

Working away from home four nights a week with a seven month old... possible?

41 replies

OtterAndDog · 26/10/2021 11:22

Long story short - I got pregnant at a university 4 hours from my home town. I'm 37 weeks now and have taken time out from uni and moved closer to home so that I can get help from my family to look after the baby (I'm a single mum).

I have only a year left of uni and am so desperate to complete my course. I left in July 2021 so I would need to return in July 2022 - my baby will be about 7 months old.

It's a nursing degree and so is 50% hospital placement and 50% theory.

I am trying to negotiate with my lecturers the chance to remotely study the theory side of things (I.e. they give me the reading to do and I complete it at home rather than having to attend lessons in person). However, obviously the placements will require attendance. The only way I could complete this is to request from the ward a fixed rota of 3 long days (12.5 hour shifts on Friday, Saturday and Sunday) each week. I would drive down on Thursday night and in the hospital accommodation until Sunday night/Monday morning. My mum / his dad would look after him during this time. I have an 8 week long placement in July - then a 9 week one a couple of months later, then a 14 week one a couple of months after that.

This is obviously a long time to be without my baby :(

Plus, I am hoping to breast feed, however plan on having him "cup fed" by my mum and his dad from a young age so he doesn't need to be with me all the time.

Does anyone else have a job where they have to work away from home? Is this going to be traumatising for my baby? I'm so worried about him being upset or scared.

Basically, is it realistic?

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Motherland101 · 26/10/2021 11:27

Babies are very resilient and are incredible at adapting to change. At least that's what I found. I really admire you for wanting to finish your degree and of course this will be a long term benefit for your child as well. I'd say if your family is able to help looking after him, then it's a worthwhile short term sacrifice with long term benefits. That should also keep you going when things get tough as I imagine it won't always be easy to go and leave him. Good luck whatever you decide

user1471523870 · 26/10/2021 11:45

It's an ambitious plan and I think it will be a difficult year...but it's only a year. You have to plan to be very tired and stressed and for the feeling of guilt. BUT keep reminding yourself that this is a temporary situation and it's for giving yourself and your baby the best future.
You will not traumatize your baby as he/she's too young to remember any of it.
Mine went to nursery full time at 9 months and didn't really have any issues (now he's 3 and SO attached to me, but when he was little he was going happily with anyone).
I would go for it, no doubts.

mindutopia · 26/10/2021 20:11

Could you afford to live there (not in hospital accommodation) and have your parents travel to you each weekend during your placements? Or could you get help with childcare costs (I believe there is a grant?) and use nursery? Many hospitals have nurseries with non-traditional hours nearby.

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PerfectPrepPrincess · 26/10/2021 20:16

It all depends on what the baby is like and how you are. Fingers crossed you have a text book birth and no PND and fingers crossed you don't have a high needs baby. Why do you have to go back at the end of the year can you not go back in the next one with the year group below you or whatever and then you can qualify for childcare help? X

hotmeatymilk · 26/10/2021 20:18

It really depends on the baby. My best friend’s chill, sleep-through-the-night, happy in a playpen baby = yes. A Velcro colicky nightmare goblin who can only sleep with a nipple in its mouth or wakes every hour God sends = wouldn’t even attempt it.

PerfectPrepPrincess · 26/10/2021 20:21

Sorry that'd be two years below your original cohort year. I'd wait until the following year and just get a temp job in the mean time.

Smartiepants79 · 26/10/2021 20:24

No one can really answer this for you. So much depends on the baby, how you are after birth and how you cope with parenthood.
I would have thought that exclusively breast feeding a baby that you are away from for 3 nights a week might not be the most realistic plan. I feel it could cause a huge amount of unnecessary stress. In your shoes I’d be working on mixed feeding so the baby is comfortable being fed by others.
In theory I think it would be doable but difficult, mostly for you. If your baby has a good bond with their other carers and can feed easily then they will be fine for the relatively short period of time this will be happening for.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/10/2021 20:24

I think it's a lot to ask of your Mom although I'm sure she's very proud you want to finish. If you also mean baby's Dad, would that mean baby moving between three settings? Any risk he's push for more custody? How would you feel if he met someone else who was around baby alot?

Anything is possible if everyone is willing but you do need to make sure baby has a secure attachment to both the other caregivers before you return.

Re bfing, you can fully bf for the first 7 months and perhaps look at expressing for bottles once baby starts weaning?

Amberflames · 26/10/2021 20:26

It’s likely to be much tougher for you than your baby OP.

I think the one aspect that’s very difficult to plan for at this stage is feeding. I never successfully got DC2 to take milk from a bottle or cup until they were about 18 months old.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/10/2021 20:26

That’s a huge ask of your mum (and dad?). Is she (they) fully on board?

RJnomore1 · 26/10/2021 20:27

Of course it’s possible if you want to enough but it might mean you need to be flexible around your plans with the baby re feeding etc.

You will not traumatise your baby I promise. You will find it hard work but like you says it’s only one year, and not even a full year of placements.

Jubilate · 26/10/2021 20:30

It's only for a year, but I think you will be able to make the decision more easily when the baby is here. Is the year break a maximum from your uni? I thought the NMC allowed completion of the nursing degree over a longer time span.

MumOfBoys16 · 26/10/2021 20:30

Can you do your placement nearer your mum's?

erinaceus · 26/10/2021 20:30

Given the circumstances, are you able to transfer your studies to a university more local to your mum / baby's Dad?

MumOfBoys16 · 26/10/2021 20:31

.. or transfer to a uni nearer home?

Iliketeaagain · 26/10/2021 20:31

I can't comment on the baby part, but I think you need to consider whether every placement is going to agree to those shifts. You will need to also have a practice supervisor who works at least similar shifts so you can spend the right amount of time with them for your placements (I can't remember if that's set by the NMC or by universities locally). And consider whether you will also need night shifts , what if you get clinic placements that are Monday to Friday, for example, do you have to do a community placements / Gp surgery.
Is there any alternative to transfer to a university closer to home for your final year?

BeMoreHedgehog · 26/10/2021 20:33

You can request to be placed in a hospital near to your home. The placements do not have to be in the same trust as your university.

MoveAhoy · 26/10/2021 20:34

The adults can do their best to make this work but the baby may have other ideas unfortunately. You have a great plan and I'd also push for your uni to accept it but also create a plan b to finish the course when the child is almost 2 and a plan c for finishing the year after and a plan z for never just in case.

Someone mentioned you living on uni site and the other adults travelling to help. This might be easier for you and baby... maybe...

Babies can have all sorts of requirements and dependencies...

amylou8 · 26/10/2021 20:36

I think as long as you get baby used to spending extended periods with their grandparents well before you go back to uni they will be absolutely fine. I did shift work with my first from 16 weeks old, and he was quite happy being passed around familiar adults all over the place. It's going to be a tough slog for you, all the travel and study, but credit to you, you sound determined to so it.

FrancescaContini · 26/10/2021 20:37

I don’t think you can possibly make a decision until you’ve given birth and got to know and fallen in love with your baby…personally, nothing whatsoever would have taken me away from my babies at that age, not even for one night. Sounds harsh but you asked for people’s opinions…

NerrSnerr · 26/10/2021 20:40

What if one of your placements is community, day case ward or a clinic? How could that work?

Can you transfer?

EL1984 · 26/10/2021 20:50

Try and get baby bottle feeding and being looked after overnight by the other caregivers from a very early age. Wouldn't have worked with my son as he was addicted to boobs and wouldn't take a bottle but if you get in early hopefully you won't have a velcro baby. Good luck xxx

orangesky1 · 26/10/2021 20:50

If your family are supportive, go for it.
It will be fine, harder on you than baby and she will develop a great bond with the other care givers.

I echo the comments on feeding - I wouldn’t add that stress to the situation. I went back to work at 6 months up to which I was EBF, planning on continuing only breast milk and it just got too stressful. By all means continue to pump a little as you wish for comfort and to keep up your supply for a daily feed but don’t put the pressure on yourself to have to keep producing / pumping enough for baby while you’re gone. Formula has the nutrients she needs and by that point your baby will be weaning anyway.

Good luck, and amazing motivation. It will be tough but worth it in the end.

AliceW89 · 26/10/2021 20:54

I think your plans are admirable. However, a few concerns:

Do your mum and, perhaps more importantly, the babies father, fully comprehend what they are signing up for? Granted, my DS was a rotten sleeper, but he was waking every 1-2h overnight, continuously at 7 months. He was (is) breastfed and would only sleep with a feed. If they are giving away half their life to 24/7 care of your baby, on potentially minimal sleep, you need to be happy they are fully committed to this. It’s not a part time thing caring for a 7 month old.

Despite your feeding plans, your baby may just refuse anything that isn’t boob. Mine would near on starve himself at 7 months before accepting a cup or a bottle. Lots of breastfed babies are like this - a simple mumsnet search will show you that. As someone else has said, I think combi feeding from early on would probably be better in this situation.

As others have said I’d really wait to see what your baby is like first. You might be blessed with a chilled sleeper or you might have an unsettled, sleep hating, refluxer who throws all your plans out the window. Either way it would still be difficult, but I sense near on impossible with the latter.

rooarsome · 26/10/2021 20:54

This happened to a friend of mine during our midwifery degree- she was able to transfer to a Uni closer to home. Might that be an option?
Is it still 5 years from commencing the degree? You could take that extra time off maybe?

I started my nursing when my DS1 was 6 months old. I have also commenced my health visiting PGDIP this sept with DS2 who a 10 month old! It's so hard, and that's with me coming home to my children every night.

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