Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

17 year old daughter I'm lost with what to do next

31 replies

Tryingmybestalways · 22/10/2021 09:01

Hi
I need some advice.(Background) My daughter's dad left when she was a baby... My husband brought her up as his own. She still speaks to her dad's mum. She didn't have the best childhood because if her dad but we fought tooth and nail for her to have a normal up bringing. Through high school she suffered from mental illness and boyfriend troubles. We have been there for her and she was demanding and made me ill. She has a younger brother and myself and husband both work full time.. We got her the right help but without pushing she wouldn't take it... But we made her take it... Anyone would... She attempted suicide at 17 years old and in hospital I told the mental health team I can't do it anymore as it's taken its toll... The team completely agreed and said she is old enough to deal with things on her own rather than me rushing home from work everytime. She was given the tools and armed with phone numbers to call. I was still there for her but was also there for myself (felt like an awful parent but if I didn't do that I would be useless to everyone) .. roll on now she is alot better in herself... And has found new friends. We got our loving daughter back for about 6 months... I still have to push her but she is 17 after all... She keeps running to her nans everytime I say something she doesn't like or make her do jobs... Now she has a new boyf and wants to sleep his house (I've made sure she has the implant) I've said no not until I've met him... then the bullying starts from my daughter to myself... She has now gone mad spreading things around that I'm a bad mum. She told me that everything is my fault.. if I say no to things she says it effects her mental illness, her illness is my fault how she is is my fault etc and ran off to her nans. Now everyone thinks I'm a bad mum (I know I'm not but I'm not perfect) because they only know her version (in the past this has been proven that she has spread things about me) .. at what point do you just say enough is enough? I have done everything for her... I'm not perfect but I don't know what more I can do... and I'm scared if I do do that then she will attempt suicide again... even though she has all the tools herself to help herself... it's like she is using it as a weapon... It's affecting her brothers life, my marriage, my work everything. At what point do I just say ... I'm still here for you but go and stand on your own two feet? Sorry for the rant I needed to get it out

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 22/10/2021 09:07

I think saying no to a 17 year old is slightly ridiculous...and I do have one myself.

Mine hasn't got a boyfriend but if she did, I'd never tell her she could not stay at his home.

Shitfuckcommaetc · 22/10/2021 09:10

Who are the "they" she is spreading rumours to? Why do you care?

Also at 17, you need to let go a little bit!

Original poster

Tryingmybestalways · 22/10/2021 09:11

Even though we don't know him or where he lives?

OP posts:

TeenTraumaTrials · 22/10/2021 09:12

Hi trying. It sounds like you're doing all of the right things but sometimes parenting teens is really hard (as you can see from my username). We went through a really terrible time with DD when she was 14/15 but thing are much better now. When things were bad her little brother found it all very upsetting and I do worry about the longer term impact it will all have had on him. I sat at work crying some days it was so bad. So you are not alone.

In terms of your DD at 17 she very much needs to be making choices about her life but she will still need you there to support her. The lying about you is just all part of trying to justify her behaviour.

Try to find the Parents of teens (POT) threads as there's loads of good advice on them.

Original poster

Tryingmybestalways · 22/10/2021 09:12

I care because I get the texts from my ex slagging me off... They as in part of my family, her friends families and my ex family.. also teachers.

OP posts:

TeenTraumaTrials · 22/10/2021 09:13

And yes unfortunately about the boy all you can do is advise her but at the end of the day you can't stop her seeing him

FortunesFave · 22/10/2021 09:14

@Tryingmybestalways

Even though we don't know him or where he lives?

I know it's hard but she's almost an adult and you have to let her live her life.

MAybe I'm being a bit naive because my DD would tell me all about her new boyfriend...she did last time she was dating a boy. She told me where he lived with his parents, what they did, what he was like including humour and bands he enjoyed, what his ambitions were etc.

She'd never introduce me to a brand new boyfriend immediately...has your DD told you much about this boy?

Original poster

Tryingmybestalways · 22/10/2021 09:14

Thank you teentramatrials your reply was helpful. It's hard isn't it to know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 22/10/2021 09:15

Also, I know you're bound to be more protective because of her mental health past but you really still have to let her live her life.

She'll be 18 soon and could marry, buy a house, run a business...you can't keep control of her now.

Original poster

Tryingmybestalways · 22/10/2021 09:16

That's what she used to do introduce us etc but in the past her choice of boyfriends has been shocking we have had hitting etc so that's why I'm concerned. Nope she has told me his name and that he is in the army. That's it

OP posts:

merrygoround51 · 22/10/2021 09:17

I think you need to be there for her but at 17 she needs to be able to make her own mistakes. I understand after a suicide attempt wanting to ‘police’ her every move is tempting but that won’t help. Offering support when needed however will help

Blueberryflavour · 22/10/2021 09:18

You do seem to have backed yourself into a corner though, you have picked this issue of staying over at her boyfriends as the hill you want to die on. Either she “ obeys” you and doesn’t stay over at boyfriends or you completely give up on her all together, it seems a little extreme and dramatic.

FortunesFave · 22/10/2021 09:18

@Tryingmybestalways

Even so...you can't keep her locked up. She's practically an adult. All you can do is be kind and advise her to keep her head screwed on right.

Shower her with kindness OP...so she feels she can come to you if things do go wrong.

Original poster

Tryingmybestalways · 22/10/2021 09:22

That's definitely not how it is and I'm sorry it sounds that way

OP posts:

Newpuppymummy · 22/10/2021 09:22

It’s very hard. I have a 16 daughter who has had mh issues. It’s so hard to get the balance right of protecting them and keeping them safe but also letting them make mistakes. When you’ve had a suicide attempt to deal with everything feels heightened.
Have you got good friends with teens you could sit and talk this through with?

Original poster

Tryingmybestalways · 22/10/2021 09:23

Thank you for all your responses it's hard to know what's right and what's wrong. It's nice to get views from others

OP posts:

Celestinesaunt · 22/10/2021 09:24

This sounds very difficult indeed op. I don't think there is any advice anyone can give you but to hang in there. I know it's very hard. She needs you to be strong for her though while she splits herself off from you and becomes an autonomous individual. It's often those terms who are most attached to their parents who find tearing themselves away, a very difficult process. It's a good thing that she has a gran she can go to as long as it doesn't involve too much drama. Quietly stick to your boundaries, tell her you love her and that you won't be bullied. Tell her you love her but you won't respond to manipulation. But protect yourself by withdrawing slightly, don't be too involved with all of her ups and downs, make it clear you are there for her in an emergency, tell her you love her often, but otherwise step back a little and focus on your own well-being and model "being happy and engaged with your life".

Please be confident in your own parenting and although it's natural to do so, don't second guess or doubt yourself. You are not the only parent going through this!

Please do not take any of this personally. I know it is very draining but some teens go through a very rough patch during adolescence. She can't help it, it's her brain chemistry causing this. The brain isn't fully formed until about 24 years.

Have a listen to Radio 4, The Infinite Monkey Cage with Professor Brian Cox, specifically the episode about The Teenage Brain. It explains a lot!

There's a year to go before she finishes school and this is an important year for her. What are her plans after that? Is she intending to go to university? Is her MH good enough to manage that ATM?

Original poster

Tryingmybestalways · 22/10/2021 09:24

Thank you... No all my friends have younger children.... I've tried speaking to Chams but they were no use. It's really helpful to see everyone s different views on here.

OP posts:

BananaPB · 22/10/2021 09:25

@Tryingmybestalways

Even though we don't know him or where he lives?

Realistically how much do you think you'll learn if you meet him ? Either he'll be on his best behaviour and you won't know what he's like in private or he'll be a dicks and you won't be able to tell your dd this without causing war. It's not like the biggest dickheads have a tattoo on their foreheads saying AVOID!

I don't ask to meet my teens bf/gf. They like their privacy and are meeting the other's parents as a big deal serious adult thing. If they spent time here I'd expect a face to face introduction but realistically I don't have the right (or power) to vet or judge

Newpuppymummy · 22/10/2021 09:35

Something I do with both my teenage girls who are 16 and almost 18 is to tell them why I really don’t want them to do something and the reasons why. Mostly because I’m trying to protect them from harm. If I catch them at a calm moment they’ll usually respond to that well and give it sone thought. My older one will generally come round to what I’m saying. My younger one i have a mixed response with, as long as it’s not something really dangerous I’d be saying it worries me but it’s your choice.

Original poster

Tryingmybestalways · 22/10/2021 09:37

Thank you so much for your reply it's very helpful and I will definitely take this on board. I definitely won't take anything personally I've developed a thick ish skin I just like to know what others think to see of it helps with what's going on

OP posts:

Original poster

Tryingmybestalways · 22/10/2021 09:37

Thank you

OP posts:

Blueberryflavour · 22/10/2021 09:44

If it’s any consolation at all my nightmare teen (if I listed all the behaviour issues I would be here all day including Mental Health issues but not suicide attempts thankfully) is now 22 and we are very close. You just have to keep communication open and keep as calm as you are able to, it’s not easy as I know only too well and just keep plodding on. Don’t worry about what other people think, I have had plenty of judgement as a parent over my teens behaviour but I know that I have done my absolute best. I ended up on medication and in counselling to help me cope so don’t be scared to seek help for yourself.

Celestinesaunt · 22/10/2021 09:45

And btw op, fwiw, I made a similar decision to you about bfs. This is always judged to be old fashioned and unreasonable on Mumsnet but frankly I don't care! The occasion hasn't actually arisen but our teen girls knew when they were 17 that DH and I, while we would welcome bfs for meals and to spend time with us as a family, we were not comfortable with bfs staying at home overnight or dds going to stay with them. Once they were eighteen and had left for university, then it was their responsibility. That's our own individual family boundary and we were comfortable with it. My reasoning is not a prudish one. I believe that many young 17 year olds (nearly sixteen in other words) do not have the confidence and self esteem to resist pressure and also to not become involved emotionally in a relationship they are not ready for. I think many 17 year olds are better off focusing on their female friends and their studies. There is a big difference in maturity imho, between a just turned 17 year old and a just turned nineteen year old.

Original poster

Tryingmybestalways · 22/10/2021 09:46

Thank you. It's so reassuring that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it's hard to focus on the future when it's just one big fight now.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2