17 year old daughter I'm lost with what to do next

[Tryingmybestalways]

Hi
I need some advice.(Background) My daughter's dad left when she was a baby... My husband brought her up as his own. She still speaks to her dad's mum. She didn't have the best childhood because if her dad but we fought tooth and nail for her to have a normal up bringing. Through high school she suffered from mental illness and boyfriend troubles. We have been there for her and she was demanding and made me ill. She has a younger brother and myself and husband both work full time.. We got her the right help but without pushing she wouldn't take it... But we made her take it... Anyone would... She attempted suicide at 17 years old and in hospital I told the mental health team I can't do it anymore as it's taken its toll... The team completely agreed and said she is old enough to deal with things on her own rather than me rushing home from work everytime. She was given the tools and armed with phone numbers to call. I was still there for her but was also there for myself (felt like an awful parent but if I didn't do that I would be useless to everyone) .. roll on now she is alot better in herself... And has found new friends. We got our loving daughter back for about 6 months... I still have to push her but she is 17 after all... She keeps running to her nans everytime I say something she doesn't like or make her do jobs... Now she has a new boyf and wants to sleep his house (I've made sure she has the implant) I've said no not until I've met him... then the bullying starts from my daughter to myself... She has now gone mad spreading things around that I'm a bad mum. She told me that everything is my fault.. if I say no to things she says it effects her mental illness, her illness is my fault how she is is my fault etc and ran off to her nans. Now everyone thinks I'm a bad mum (I know I'm not but I'm not perfect) because they only know her version (in the past this has been proven that she has spread things about me) .. at what point do you just say enough is enough? I have done everything for her... I'm not perfect but I don't know what more I can do... and I'm scared if I do do that then she will attempt suicide again... even though she has all the tools herself to help herself... it's like she is using it as a weapon... It's affecting her brothers life, my marriage, my work everything. At what point do I just say ... I'm still here for you but go and stand on your own two feet? Sorry for the rant I needed to get it out

Just my two cents , you want her to learn to cope with her mh more by herself because she is 17 and that's fair enough but you also are forbidding her to sleep over at her boyfriend's house. To me it sounds like you want it every which way. She is either an almost adult who can cope or she is a child. She can't be both. I know you are scared for her but I think you need to let her make her own mistakes here and treat her like a grown up the majority of the time. Including dealing with consequence, might be time to sit down and talk to her . Explain that you just want to protect her but that you will allow her now to be an adult but that comes with the whole package , including having to face what ever mess comes from her decisions and that she can't have it both ways either. At 17 I was a carer for my disabled father, if anyone had tried to forbid me to do anything I'd have laughed. It's a funny age but it sounds like you'll have to let go a bit here.

It is hard to know what the right thing to do is. You are so right about that.
But at 17, she is in charge of her emotional and sexual relationships.

It's hard OP but she has to make her own mistakes and learn from them. You have given her the tools and now you have to trust her to use them. More importantly you need to let her know you are there for her to confide in, come home to, etc. The best you can hope for her is to learn all this quickly. But realistically, if she wants to stay over with her BF, it's out of your hands.

Try not to drive her away.

As for ex and his family: block them all except him. I assume you have to have contact with the ex? Try to get it to email only and set up a desperate dedicated account for that. You don't have to listen to anyone else.

How old is the boyfriend? Does he live in barracks? Does he share? I'm not sure they can have girlfriends stay over there ? I think whilst she's under 18 you are right to try to meet him. It's a tough line, would you insist to meet a friend she was staying over with ? No, BUT she's told you it's a boyfriend and he's most likely older than her.

So the Nan your ex-MIL is she strict ? Or would DD just lie to her? Her Nan is happy for her the sleep over with unknown boyfriend ?!

Btw I don't have a teenager, but I got up to some terrible stuff age 15-18, which makes me worry.

Hi he is 17 she says and lives with his parents as he is currently on medical leave from the army (he is training). If she is staying at a friend's I speak to the mum first to check it's ok and ask the address. Mil is a push over many of times I've told my daughter to get the bus home but my mil drives her home instead. She is in the same agreement as me that my daughter doesn't sleep over until we have at least met him

Her plan is to go to uni next year. She has done really well at college up until now. Her mh is up and down at the min.