Gentle parenting question

[ASN68]

What do you do when you can't reason calmly with your child and they are refusing to get dressed to go to nursery or school. I keep finding gentle parenting techniques go to pot and it ends up being a constant battle or shouting match because dd is so headstrong and will just scream :/

Right, I’m cool with you not getting dressed

Naked or pjs - perfectly happy to drop your off like that.

Discretely pack clothing

Call their bluff

How old is your little one?

We have a ‘running game’ for DD to get dressed which we started about age 2 due to mega tantrums.

It involves running back and forth to put on an item of clothing and doing it as fast as she can!

We also do outfit choices, which I used to lay out for her to choose. Now she gets out her own outfit choices and chooses.

She doesn’t respond at all to time outs/ shouting etc. but games and letting her chose her clothes definitely work.

Great advice.

I'm ashamed to say I used bribery which of course I know is the wrong thing to do and makes life much harder in the long run.

Thank you for the advise, she is 3. She dosent respond well to shouting and punishment either and I do truly believe gentle parenting is a great way to do it, it's just not always easy with my little one haha.

She freaks out about every outfit, she's very particular on how clothes fit her and hates having her hair done (her hair is nuts if I don't put it up haha).

Yesterday I had to email in to nursery and say she was poorly because I physically couldn't get her to go unless I pinned her to the floor and traumatically got her dressed, she usually enjoys nursery but she was beside herself wanting to stay home.

Gosh parenting is hard, I grew up in a home where I was scared of my dad he was so shouty and would occasionally hit us and I just don't want to mess her up. I hate when I shout at her and tell her she's horrible etc.

Thanks for the tips, will try and make a game of getting dressed I think we've done things like this in the past with certain things and it's worked well

That sounds very familiar! My girl is very strong willed. I love it about her but it can be tough. I think we’re lucky that we went through this age 2 as it’s so much harder to force them to do anything at age 3.

Does she shop for her own clothes? DD is very particular too. She will mostly only wear Minnie Mouse! Some girl clothes are annoying uncomfortable so we only really do leggings and t shirts. She hates having her hair up too!

Also have a very strong willed 3 year old.

I have 2 outfits ready. Comment is along the line of 'time to get ready, are we wearing this one or that one'

No success, I try make it into a race "I will get there before you, I will get to your trousers before you, oh no teddy is going to put them on if you don't'

Still not cooperating or showing any signs, the last resort is that he goes nursery in pyjamas and follow through (almost got to this point but he's backed down so far)

Like your one, mine also reacts much better to being calm. Shouting or punishing results in him extremely upset and then taking a lot longer to calm down than making up a silly game to start with. And also, he would not want to leave the house after being this upset so I have learn the hard way to avoid it at all costs. Doesn't come naturally to me as I have been brought up more like you (not scared of parents but shouted at and very occasionally hit if I did not comply)

I'm sorry OP but letting her stay at home just because she is refusing to get dressed seems a bit extreme. Our morning routine is downstairs, in the playroom, having prepared clothes and packed bag for nursery the night before. If we are struggling I normally just use a distraction method with my toddler, sit on floor together, play with favourite toy whilst getting dressed, getting the teddy dressed at the same time and if all else fails, I just pop the telly on for 5-10 minutes. Staying at home is not an option for us.

OP it sounds like you go from super gentle parenting to shouting and telling her 'she's horrible'

You need to find a middle ground.

She needs a routine in the morning so she can expect what is happening next. If she's fussy with sensory things build a wardrobe of clothes that don't irritate her.
Give choices - you can wear the red or the yellow t shirt but now it's time to choose. Keep insisting and be the parent. It doesn't have to end in shouting from you but seems her expectations haven't been set as you swing from gentle to shouting.

You are bigger and stronger, just put the clothes on your child!

If she likes stickers you could make a chart. A sticker for having breakfast, choosing clothes, getting dressed, hair done, teeth done and then out the door on time. Routine is definitely key at that age

Oh OP I would say I am a gentle parent but you can’t get into the situation where you are lying about your dc being ill and not leaving the house because she won’t get dressed.
Gentle parenting isn’t about being permissive, getting dressed is non optional, she doesn’t get a choice about that. She can however have a choice about what she wears(either let her pick a certain part of it or have two outfits ready and she can pick one like a op suggested). If she doesn’t pick one then you choose one and dress her. The end.

I would either be doing it with play & fun & curiosity - ooo is this where your socks go (on my head etc) etc etc
or with distraction - have the tv on in the morning and just dress them.
Would either work?
I would also have a visual timetable so pictures of what needs to happen in the morning and in what order, always always the same so a normal routine she will get used to. Talk it through with her in a fun way and help her stick it on the wall in the right order with play and fun.
I would maybe try giving her a choice of 2 outfits. always super comfy ones.
I would not bother with hair. But if brushing her hair brush from the bottom to start with as from the top right down is tough on them.
or yes bribary is your friend. Have a policy of biscuit in the car/ on the way to nursary.
Also you can use PJs that are like clothes so no problem about sending her in without getting changed. That will very soon pass I think!

@Marelle

You are bigger and stronger, just put the clothes on your child!

Have you ever actually tried doing that though? It’s horrific and a 3 year old would just undress themselves again.

@1940s

OP it sounds like you go from super gentle parenting to shouting and telling her 'she's horrible'

You need to find a middle ground.

She needs a routine in the morning so she can expect what is happening next. If she's fussy with sensory things build a wardrobe of clothes that don't irritate her.
Give choices - you can wear the red or the yellow t shirt but now it's time to choose. Keep insisting and be the parent. It doesn't have to end in shouting from you but seems her expectations haven't been set as you swing from gentle to shouting.

Poor thing is probably confused!

You never, ever tell a child that they are horrible!

Let her choose what she wants to wear, lay out a couple of options and let her decide.

Have you ever actually tried doing that though? It’s horrific and a 3 year old would just undress themselves again.
I do it all the time. He wouldn’t dare undress himself again. I don’t have time to mess about pandering to naughty behaviour, I’m too busy.

don't tell her she's horrible

let her compile her outfits herself - even if she looks stupid

make sure she chooses weather appropriate clothes by starting the conversation with "let's look at the weather on mummy's phone"
point out if it is sunny then she needs a tshirt. if it is raining or cloudy she needs a jumper etc.

if she says no, say , "well i am going to choose my clothes" and commentate on what you are doing. "oooh look i have chosen a pretty dress, and i think i will wear some black leggings." etc. etc.

"ooh i might put on some perfume now. would you like a squirt of mummy's special perfume?"

"well only big girls who choose their clothes and get dressed get to wear the special perfume."

@Marelle

Have you ever actually tried doing that though? It’s horrific and a 3 year old would just undress themselves again. I do it all the time. He wouldn’t dare undress himself again. I don’t have time to mess about pandering to naughty behaviour, I’m too busy.

That’s good it works for you, I don’t blame you if you need to get out the house. That would really upset my little girl though. I don’t think the OP wants to do that if she’s looking for some gentle parenting options.

You need to recognise that you are the adult and you are in charge that means,
You don't lose your cool,
you plan ahead for difficult moments
She will have to do as she is told

In practical terms, do not call her names and shout and lose your rag, have a firm calm voice and say what will happen (don't ask)
You don't reason or negotiate with a 3 year old.
If nursery is the issue, the night before lay out two or three outfits and tell her calmly she has to pick one now to wear tomorrow, and lay it our ready with coat and shoes, engage her in this.
Talk about her great outfit all ready before she goes to sleep.
Wake her up i8n the morning and say, once you have your clothes on l will have x breakfast ready on the table (make sure it is something she will want) see you downstairs.
Let her eat part of the treat breakfast ( eg pancakes) then whip some out to your car and say, time to go, guess what l have more yummy X on the seat for you and you can have this whilst we are driving.
Put the radio on and have fun in the car.

Say the minimum, don't explain, just state what will happen at each stage...

With 3 year olds prior planning gets over lots of difficult moments !

Thank you, I will start trying to have a more set morning routine so she can expect what will happen next and also give her outfit options.

I don't mean to tell her she's being horrible, it comes out because I'm sleep deprived from her baby sister and so cross and upset with her and I instantly toy regret it if I ever do tell her she's being a horrible girl etc because my parents would tell me that and I always apologise after.

This is why I was asking for advise because I don't ever want it to get to the point of battling with her, tears, tantrums and me saying things to her that I don't mean. I love her to bits and just want what is best for her.

Again, thanks for the advise from those of you who were helpful and non judgmental. I'll put it all into practise from today

Put the TV on. Dress them in front of it. If they don't let you dress them, pause the TV until they let you do it. It's not ideal but it beats shouting matches in the morning.

This is such a common issue with gentle parenting. I am a huge fan of it as a process/theory but it sounds like you need some troubleshooting rather than more methods.

Were you attracted to the idea of gentle parenting in the first place because it promises low/no conflict and/or because you find the idea of punishments and rules and being an authority figure a bit scary and unpleasant, and hoped to have a fully co-operative approach?

Are you in general conflict-averse, e.g. anxious in the presence of arguments or disagreements?

Do you have trouble setting and enforcing boundaries (in a parenting context or the context of any relationship - do you have people-pleasing tendencies?

Is it very difficult for you to cope with your child being upset - would you avoid trying to upset her whenever possible?

If so - it's very normal to end up in this situation where you are trying your hardest with all the gentle suggestions and then when they go nowhere you lose it, shout, say things you don't want to, maybe even act physically rougher than you want to. You know that's not gentle so you beat yourself up thinking "if I can just get gentle right it will work" - no, sorry. There's a huge missing piece of the puzzle.

Sorry to be so cryptic but it will take me more time than I have to explain. I will come back, but in the meantime, look up Janet Lansbury. Read her articles, listen to her podcasts.

Ah OP, mine is 3.5 and I've just had DC2 so I feel for your pain. She's much more hard work than the baby atm!

Have a read of 'Raising Your Spirited Child', I found that really useful. Also 'How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen'.

Things that we do in the mornings to make things easier is that we are already ready ourselves first so we get up first and ready. Also always wake her with enough time for some contingency time in case it's a Bad Morning so at least not worried about being late. I get her outfit for nursery ready the night before, I check the weather on my phone for the next day. I make sure her bag is packed the night before and ready near the front door with her coat and shoes. She has a weekly planner attached to her wardrobe so she can see visually where she is each day ('nursery', 'mummy', 'daddy', etc). She likes to move the 'today' tab along herself each say. When I go in her room to wake her I take a cup of milk and a snack - she's at a day nursery so she gets a proper brekkie once she's there. I use variety to keep her interested - she never knows what she will get and usually that's her first question when I go in. I give things like cereal bars, fruit, cheese snacks etc. She eats this and drinks her milk while I get her ready. This means she's happy and distracted and it's quicker for me to dress her. Once she's done off we go. Very rarely do we have drama in the mornings before nursery now.

Calmness is key, l have two teenage sons and l learnt shouting and losing it only ever aggravates the situation.
Calm, firm and consistent, you are in charge, she needs to know that. Praise good behaviour, pay little attention to bad, speak cheerfully about the day ahead, put some music on, let her see you getting ready camly and briskly, that's my advice.

Give her options. She doesn't want to get dressed?

Tell her she can wear a dress or jeans - show her one of each. Let her pick.

Repeat with each item.

I don't necessarily understand the term gentle parenting, because surely we all just try our best to do things as easily and stress free as possible anyway? But I find that giving them an either/or option gives them control over the situation while ultimately getting them to still do what you need or want them to do.

Yes , no shouting.
Have a routine and never offer multiple choices or open ended questions.
So will you have weetabix or porridge for breakfast?
Will you wear your pink t shirt or the blue one etc.
Some things can be negotiated eg it's raining so you need to wear wellies .
It is a lot less stressful for the LO they can be overwhelmed by choice.
Nursery is not optional so if you can't dress her she goes in her pyjamas.
As far as hair is concerned if she won't cooperate I would cut it short. I'm not a fan of little children with long hair in general because it needs fiddling with and it isn't very nice having your hair brushed .I realise I am a bit of an outlier on this.