Gentle parenting question

[ASN68]

What do you do when you can't reason calmly with your child and they are refusing to get dressed to go to nursery or school. I keep finding gentle parenting techniques go to pot and it ends up being a constant battle or shouting match because dd is so headstrong and will just scream :/

@Marelle

You are bigger and stronger, just put the clothes on your child!

That doesn't sound very 'gentle' to me, and doesn't exactly teach the right lessons.

Whoever's biggest and strongest gets their own way?

Id forget this gentle pareting nonsense. Try and be firm for the important things. Dont want to get dressed. Leave the room and ignore if you can. No good if you are rushing out to work though. Or bundle into car in a state of undress. Or say wear your pyjamas or get dressed but you are going.

@yikesanotherbooboo

Yes , no shouting. Have a routine and never offer multiple choices or open ended questions. So will you have weetabix or porridge for breakfast? Will you wear your pink t shirt or the blue one etc. Some things can be negotiated eg it's raining so you need to wear wellies . It is a lot less stressful for the LO they can be overwhelmed by choice. Nursery is not optional so if you can't dress her she goes in her pyjamas. As far as hair is concerned if she won't cooperate I would cut it short. I'm not a fan of little children with long hair in general because it needs fiddling with and it isn't very nice having your hair brushed .I realise I am a bit of an outlier on this.

Oh yes I meant to say this too. My DD has a very short bob because she hates getting it washed, she doesn't really like it getting it brushed and she won't wear hair bobbles. Absolutely no reason to have it longer so we keep it very short to make everyone's lives easier.

When getting dressed has become a battle, we have got dressed before breakfast. Not ideal from a mess point of view, but they are happier to get dressed as they want to get to breakfast. We have a set of toothbrushes downstairs too, so once they are down they don't have to go back up.

I also think getting dressed and going to nursery needs to be non-negotiable. Take her however late you are and take her in pyjamas if you really have to! Otherwise she is learning that refusing to get dressed means you can stay at home. All the suggestions of choices are great for her having some control, so I'd do that as much as possible, even if the outfits are random!

@Marelle

Have you ever actually tried doing that though? It’s horrific and a 3 year old would just undress themselves again. I do it all the time. He wouldn’t dare undress himself again. I don’t have time to mess about pandering to naughty behaviour, I’m too busy.

Any parent who uses the term 'gentle parenting' clearly does not want to rule by strength or fear.

Personally, I hate the term gentle parenting but I do not use my strength to restrain or force my child unless the situation is dangerous. It simply just shows them that I can do what I want because I am stronger which is not the message I want to get across. It would also make my child extremely distressed and then taking 10 times as long to calm them down compared to if I had just reasoned with them in the first place.

Children want to be in control. So I find ways that make them think they are in control - ie giving them options where both are an outcome I am happy with. Also having a regular routine helps

We are all busy - I also work full time and have a short time to have them dressed and in nursery. I still will not bully my child

@Marelle

Have you ever actually tried doing that though? It’s horrific and a 3 year old would just undress themselves again. I do it all the time. He wouldn’t dare undress himself again. I don’t have time to mess about pandering to naughty behaviour, I’m too busy.

So if you have to force your child into getting dressed "all the time" your method clearly doesn't work if you're trying to get him to just get dressed with minimal fuss.

@morechocolateneededtoday I agree - you said what I wanted to say but much better. I know we all live stressful lives with nursery/ school runs but my little girl would be distraught if I did that, and I don’t want the kind of relationship where I’d make her feel that way. There is so much more you can do before having to resort to physical force.

yes the book how to talk to kids so kids will listen is brilliant, just really praise praise praise, get them to wait to get the praise from you. So just praise anything she does even if tiny especially at first, like even, ooo good listening, and oo good choice that looks so nice on you! make it all fun and play based and praise based she will learn to listen! the opposite of shame based parenting and works really well.

She freaks out about every outfit, she's very particular on how clothes fit her and hates having her hair done (her hair is nuts if I don't put it up haha).

May have genuine sensory issues
Read "the out of synch child "
What clothes is she comfortable in?
Put her in fresh leggings and a top to sleep then don't get dressed in the morning just send her like that

Thank you for all of your wonderful advise, we have nursery in the morning so I will give it a go.

Will try and get us all up a little earlier tomorrow as I think the rushing around doesn't help and I think she'd enjoy having some time to have a little play with her toys before nursery too once she's dressed and fed. Will let her pick from two outfits and also get dressed before breakfast. Fingers crossed for a better morning tomorrow!

I think that gentle parenting is wonderful if somewhere along the line the child has learned that you're in charge. My eldest thought HE was in charge, so gentle parenting was an utter farce. My second ds accepts me as the parent and all the things suggested previously (limited choice, distraction, make it game, explain natural consequences of pissing about) all work perfectly.

If your daughter is headstrong you are going to have to take charge. You absolutely can do this calmly and gently, but it's going to involve telling her what is expected, telling her what the consequence of not doing as she's told is, giving her the opportunity to comply and if she doesn't, actually following through on the consequence. You will probably have to do this over and over until she gets the message. You can do all of this totally calmly, but you need to be firm. Channel your inner teacher.

Haven't read it all but we went through this. Someone on here suggested sand timers from amazon. We got a pack which ramged from 1 to 10 mins and used to make a game of get dressed before the sand runs out. Worked a treat.

We get dressed before playing with any toys. Offer two choices of outfit.
If she kicks off I just calmly close the door to the playroom and say calmly that I’m going to get her baby sister sorted, and that normally does the trick.

I’m loving, calm and consistent but very firm and she knows that I mean exactly what I say - helps that I’m a primary teacher though, and know how to get things done without raising my voice.

Her dad however bribes with all manner of things and that seems to work equally well, so is clearly also a valid parenting approach 😂

I generally go with natural consequences, so he would get walked to nursery in his pyjamas, we did do this once, he got about 3-4m from the flat and said he wanted to get dressed.

When he does things like that I calmly explain the consequence so “if you won’t put your clothes on you’ll have to go out in your pyjamas” and then I would put the clothes out and tell him he can ask for help if he wants to, the issue is then ignored until it’s time to leave. Now in my head I’m shouting “put your fucking clothes on”.

I also have PECS for various things, until recently he had a set on his wardrobe door with the bits of clothing he needed in the order he needed to put them on, otherwise he’d be in leggings and no pants, or in winter hoody with no t-shirt underneath.

Children want to be in control. So I find ways that make them think they are in control - ie giving them options where both are an outcome I am happy with. Also having a regular routine helps

This is pretty much the key for me... sometimes all I need to say to my fiercely independent and stubborn 3 year old is "shall I carry you to the car or do you want to walk" or "shall I pick you up and put you in your seat at the dinner table or do you want to sit down by yourself"?
Anything that makes him think he has a choice but has the same outcome is a winner.

Kids do well when they can. What are you both doing to ensure your DD can be successful in dressing in the morning?

Is there plenty of time?
Is there suitable clothing that they are comfortable in? Did they have a say in it?
What are the flash points/triggers?

Identify those and you’ll be on to a winner!

I don’t believe in carrot/stick type approaches, so I would do as others have suggested with preparing and planning beforehand.

Sometimes it will go wrong and you have to decide what’s your priority, what are you will to remove from the routine to ensure the ultimate goal is a success. Is getting to nursery the goal? Or is it getting dressed? You can take her in PJs and remove the flash point altogether.

Agree clothes with her the night before

Let her pick, however weird the combination

However be prepared to take her as she is, ie in PJs if she refuses to get dressed

How old is your other child? Could part of it be she sees them stay with you and she has to go?

Just use pj s which work as day clothes.
Up and put. Simple.
Plain top plaiin bottom joggers type for sleep and next day.

Up and out.
Clothes won't be kept clean at nursery anyway. Breakfast spill does not matter

I say to my 3 yr old, would you like to put your pants/trousers/top on by yourself or shall mummy help? He always chooses to do it himself and gets ready happily.

Otherwise she is learning that refusing to get dressed means you can stay at home.

This!

My dh mostly gets dd ready for nursery but these are some of the things we do:

-Keep the same vest on that she slept in, just take off pj outer layer
-have outfit ready the night before, but if met with resistance, offer an alternative to each item
-let her choose any pair of socks from her sock box (like a shoe box full of socks)
-last resort: have peppa pig on TV. Dd goes into a weird peppa trance and we just dress her like a doll lol

Another vote for How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen

DS is errr, strong willed to put it mildly. In fact his tantrums were so epic that nursery said they were notable.

I had a lot of luck with BigLittleFeelings on instagram - even bought their course, but you can get a lot from their free tips.

In this scenario, I give DS two choices I'm happy with and ask him to pick one. If he won't I pick one and just calmly say that we'll try again tomorrow. If he throws a shitfit, I just carry on getting him dressed and do their whole tantrum technique. To me, gentle parenting doesn't mean being a pushover, it means not being a dick.

If he wants to wear something relatively sane then usually I just let him wear it though.