Experiences with a high needs baby? Any light at the end of the tunnel?

[Peaplant20]

I have what I am slowly coming to accept, a high needs baby. She screams and cries constantly, is very rarely content. She is 3 months old and I have tried everything under the sun and nothing has made a jot of difference - I breastfeed and am dairy, soy and egg free, baby is on the highest dose of reflux meds she can be on, I’ve tried cranial osteopathy, baby massage, infacol, gripe water, colief, making sure she gets enough sleep in 24 hours, making sure she gets play but isn’t over stimulated, walks in the day to get fresh air. Nothing has made even the slightest bit of difference. I’ve lost all hope that she will grow out of it as everyone kept saying it will get better at 6 weeks, then at 12 etc and there’s been not even slight improvement, in fact I think she cries more now than ever. She basically lives in the sling as it’s the only thing she’s content to do. I’ve been to the GP and HV many many times and they’ve said she is a well baby. Oh I’ve also tried teething products too.

Anyway I’m not looking for advice really as I think I’ve tried everything? I was just looking for anyone who’s been through the same to tell me it gets better or just to tell me they’re going through or went through the same so I feel less alone.

Thanks

Honestly it will pass
My high needs DD does have an autism diagnosis now she's 7, but several friends high needs babies don't. She sleeps beautifully now and has since she was about 3 (it did get much better from 18monthsish). And is such a gem to me, lovely company and a helpful and kind little soul who enjoys scouring charity shops for books and then long hot chocolates in cafes together reading our new finds. I never could have imagined this when she was tiny.
Showing yourself much kindness and gentleness as you go through all this is key to survival I think. Doing some intentional stuff for yourself, things like finding an audio book or podcasts you like and listen to it on some of the walks, going places you really enjoy for the walks. Getting some of you fave food in, it sounds ridiculous but I think for me it was so so important to make sure there was still lots of joy to be found around when many hours of my life were spent bouncing and shushing and patting.

It does get better, you'll get there in time. Take each day as it comes and try to take some time for yourself - even just 5 minutes here and there.

My second was a high needs baby, slept in the sling on me or in bed with us and wouldn't let anyone else (including DH!) hold her for the first year or so and even after that it's been hit or miss but it gradually got better.

She finally started sleeping through the night at 2 then happily in her own bed from 3.

She's 9 now and still highly strung but she's a pretty funny little person who is (mostly) a joy to be around but if she'd have been our 1st then she'd be an only child 🤣

Hi Peaplant, I'm getting flashbacks to baby days reading your post!! We used to joke that DD just hated being a baby. Cried more or less all day, fussed the rest of the time, wouldn't nap, would breastfeed constantly. I spent most of the first 6 months on the sofa feeding a fussy baby so I know it does feel neverending and relentless, but things do get better with time. You won't be breastfeeding forever, you won't have to babywear forever, you won't always be pacing the pavements, the reflux will improve in time. That doesn't mean you have to "cherish every wonderful moment". It's ok just to cling on for dear life if that's all you can manage. So, you're not alone.

If I could have an hour with my past self, I would give her a big hug, make her a cup of tea and reassure her she's a great mum. You sound like you're doing an amazing job with a fussy baby that you clearly adore. It feels hard because it's hard, not because you're doing anything wrong x

Use a sling.
Remember that she's not ill/ hurt/ angry with you etc she just really needs you.
With my Dd who was very high needs I chanted the mantra in my head 'always with the upmost calm & kindness' it helped me focus when I got cross.
Put her in her cot for periods & walk away if you need space.
Stay home, watch tv & snuggle in your pjs. I rushed about too much to baby groups/ coffee etc. I shouldn't have.
Look up the happiest baby on the block on YouTube.
My Dd, now 9 is an absolute delight. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful daughter.
💐

Bless you. I remember that feeling (just over a year ago) - the slow realisation that that no amount of medicine or osteopathy or allergen free diets or expensive baby swings/seats/vibrating cots were going to fix DS’ personality. He was high needs and we were in for the long haul.

The good news is, it does get better. I’m not going to lie, at ~17 months he’s still really tough, tougher than average. He’s very highly strung, easy to blow up and displays extreme separation anxiety. Full blown tantrums started at 13 months old. But a year ago I couldn’t cope on my own - I lived between my inlaws and my parents while my husband worked as I couldn’t sleep or eat and my mental health was in pieces. DS was either screaming, breastfeeding or sleeping in the sling while I paced around outside, night and day. I now manage perfectly well on my own on my days off with him - he now breastfeeds once a day, sleeps independently in the cot and can be taken in the car or the pushchair to toddler groups - that was completely inconceivable a year ago.

Try and pace yourself as much as possible (easier said than done with a high needs baby) - chances are your DD will only accept you so outsource all other tasks to family and family. Are you planning on going back to work? High needs babies are all consuming in their nature. It was only when I went back to work (at 11 months, wish I’d gone sooner) that I started to feel exponentially better.

All the best to you

It definitely does improve....its just that nobody can tell you when. Random but when she is screaming, have you tried holding her and bouncing on a gym ball? This has stopped both of mine almost instantly.

It only improved for me when I put him in nursery pt at 17 weeks and went back to work. We had zero family help. He may well still have screamed and fussed, but at least I didn't have to deal with it three days a week.
He's now a very smart confident 18 year old at uni, but i still consider outsourcing the worst bits of those early months my best parenting decision.
DS2 was a dream.

Mine was like this and no medical cause identified. She just gradually improved slowly over time as she got older. By 9 months it was a fair bit better, by 1yr it was better again but then she started having actual tantrums too as opposed to just the random screaming. She's 3.5 now and I'm not going to lie, she's still spirited, she has the most epic tantrums - some days she will have none, other days she will have like 7 and they can go on for up to 45 mins. So no, she hasn't magically morphed into a mellow toddler, that's just not her. But yes it has got much easier over time, the crying did reduce and she got more and more fun and enjoyable as she's gotten older. So much so that I am expecting DC2's imminent arrival because whilst I have no desire whatsoever to have another baby, the idea of another 2.5+ yr old is mostly lovely . Just look after yourself as best you can and keep plugging away. 3 months was frankly a grim time for us - it's not going to get worse, only better and better, but it might still be a good few months until you see much improvement.

I breastfeed and am dairy, soy and egg free, baby is on the highest dose of reflux meds she can be on, I’ve tried cranial osteopathy, baby massage, infacol, gripe water, colief

Have you restricted you diet under medical supervision or are you just doing it off your own bat? If nothing has made a difference don't do any of it (exceot BFing, continue feeding your baby!).

Both my boys were like this and things got better when they started to crawl/move about. They were both early crawlers and I think they were just very frustrated at the world. One is now quite a needy but very loving three year old, the other is a very independent and happy (and exhausting) one year old. It will pass, I know how frustrating it is to see happy babies with content parents

Bless you …it’s exhausting and soul destroying! My son was on medication including domperidone. Have you elevated head of cot or tried putting in a bouncy chair to sleep. That did eventually help. Also kept upright after feeds . Have you also tried a dummy? Sorry if you have tried all these ideas ! Have you considered trying small amounts of formula feed using anti reflux teats?

It definitely gets better! DS was a high needs baby, he has reflux and I suspect a CMPA or sensitivity. Wouldn't sleep anywhere but on us for the first 14 weeks. We sleep trained at 6 months, and slowly his sleep got better.

He's just over 3 and is a joy to be around 90% of the time. OK he is still an early riser, but he goes to sleep on his own and sleeps through.

I know sleeping through isn't everything, but it helped my sanity.

Were expecting number 2 in January and I'm terrified they'll be the same!

Hello me 12 years ago!
DS1 lived in the sling. Barely slept, and screamed if anywhere other than in my arms.
Then, at 4 months, he rolled. At 5 months he crawled. He still didnt sleep, but my God, he was like a different child (not quite sure how he mastered these given the lack of floor time!)
He's now at secondary, still very cuddly but smart, independent, well liked.
It WILL get better. Hopefully sooner rather than later, but at some point hopefully the thing that is making them frustrated will disappear, and boom, you will get a fab child.

This was absolutely my life for the first year or so of DDs life. She only slept in my arms, breastfed hourly day and night, had an extensive list of allergies that i had to cut out of my diet and essentially was in the sling 24:7.

I can’t pinpoint when exactly it all changed. She was definitely happier when she could move under her own steam. She was a very early talker too and that helped when she could tell me what the problem was.

She’s now an absolute delight at 2.5 years old and the absolute centre of my world. I’m expecting number 2 in a few months though and am preparing to go through it all again!

I think the first hurdle is accepting that that is the way she is going to be for some time, and learning to live with it. Once I'd done that, things were much easier. I kept her in a sling most of the day and went about my business as usual. She Co slept until 10 for a long time and still does need to come into my bed if she's had a bad day. Just go with it OP, it won't last forever and you will maintain your sanity.

Apparently my brother was like this. Mum said he improved a huge amount when he could crawl and explore. He's NT and was a very easy child.

DS2 was high needs/ Velcro baby. Cried endlessly, didn’t sleep for more than 45 mins at a time, wouldn’t take a bottle, wouldn’t take a dummy, never off the breast. It was a living hell and I ended up with PND.
I recommend sleep training - I didn’t get a night’s sleep until he was weaned and in his own bed at 2.5 and should have done it much sooner.
I wish I’d persisted with a bottle so someone - anyone- could have given him a feed now and then.
I wish I’d got him into nursery for even one day a week as that might have helped him be less velcro. He was fine when he went at 2.5.
In short, he hated being a baby and improved as he was able to be more independent over time. If he’d been the first there wouldn’t have been another. He’s 29 now and adorable.

Have you tried cranial osteopathy with your baby? I was highly sceptical but took a non-stop crying 10 week old who had the back of her neck gently tickled and was instantly transformed into a happy little thing forever.

@JaninaDuszejko

I breastfeed and am dairy, soy and egg free, baby is on the highest dose of reflux meds she can be on, I’ve tried cranial osteopathy, baby massage, infacol, gripe water, colief

Have you restricted you diet under medical supervision or are you just doing it off your own bat? If nothing has made a difference don't do any of it (exceot BFing, continue feeding your baby!).

Yes agree with this 100%. One thing I never understood was the amount of people I met who had babies like this, and had them on lots of medication and restrictive diets etc and were saying the baby was no different and still cried all the time. If the meds/diets etc aren't helping significantly then I can't see why anyone would continue with them? (Obviously seek medical advice first.)

Yes it gets better.

I had one who was terribly refluxy and colicky and had to wear her. Neighbours gave us pitied looks walking her in her pram up and down our road trying to stop her screaming. I wore earplugs a lot and cried a lot. I read on a post here that some babies just hate being babies, it's true. If she was my first she'd be an only child

It turned a corner for me at 8 months - an increased amount of food seems to have kicked reflux's butt. Now I'm about to end mat leave (agreed to go back earlier in the screaming stages) and I'm gutted.

Just survive - that's your only job for now. Get through these days and months, there is sunshine ahead

2 of mine were like this but as soon as they were big enough for the jumperoo they got a lot better. They loved being upright, they would bounce for 10 minutes, do an explosive poop and then sleep for ages. It was great.

Mine was like this, she was just endlessly furious. Scroll forward 4 years and she’s divine. It gradually gets better…

Yes currently going through the same, I have a high needs boy, gorgoeous and bright but my god was he hard work!
Things gradually got better from 5 months (when he started sitting independently, he was a reflux baby), followed by him crawling at 6 months and now he's 8 months things are significantly better, although he's definitely not an 'easy' baby! He's even started letting me put him in the cot for naps (without any form of sleep training), before that he was a contact napper, we still cosleep half the night, it was the only way we could manage as his sleep is so terrible.
I found this helpful www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby/
You've got a sparkler on your hands!

Mine was the same. I BF. It turned out that she was allergic to most of the food I ate. Strawberries,raspberries any citrus fruit, tomatoes. It was a long list. She wasn't allergic to me eating dairy and eggs though.

It is so hard. My first had reflux and colic. Was very fussy and didn't sleep. I was so down and thought I'd ruined my life. It got gradually easier after 4 months. I went back to work full time at 7 months (but had to breastfeed at lunchtime as she wouldn't take milk or much food or water). She was a challenge for the childminder but she was a professional! Other than mega tantrums she was a fairly easy toddler and is usually a very well behaved child but still has huge tantrums at home and is highly strung - lockdowns were a struggle when school shut! She is very intelligent - she could read, write and do sums before she went to school and continues to be quite ahead academically at age 6. She does well socially too.

My second baby is a happy little thing who sleeps well!