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Original poster

How do I tell my husband I don’t want another baby as I hated pregnancy

30 replies

JKDcot · 11/10/2021 18:13

Just looking for advice here please. I have an 18 month old who we both adore more than anything. My husband is a wonderful father.

He would love to have another one but I am a bit old (40) and I hated pregnancy so much that I can’t cope with the thought of it again? I had bad morning sickness and of course being pregnant through Covid lockdown 1 was quite lonely and scary.

I feel so selfish to not want another child just because I didn’t like pregnancy. I know it’s short term and if we were lucky enough to conceive it’s amazing to create a baby. But I seriously don’t know how I could do it and care for a 2 year old? What do I do? I feel so selfish

OP posts:
Dragonpox · 11/10/2021 18:15

Just say what you said there. It's your body and it IS harder second time round, at least I found it was. Everything splurged. And it will also change your relationship with your existing child forever.

T0rt0ise · 11/10/2021 18:15

Not at all selfish. Being pregnant for some is wonderful, for others (like me) it's shit. You're happy with your lot, there's no need to feel guilty about it.

Auroreforet · 11/10/2021 18:18

Tell your dh that it's more important for the dc you already have to live with a happy, well mum. If that means not having another dc so be it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds 1st trimester 2 year olds Families
Original poster
JKDcot · 11/10/2021 18:25

I just worry he will always resent me for not even trying. Is it worse second time round because your body doesn’t cope as well? I hear people get morning sickness worse ? Or is it just extra tiredness due to having one to look after already?

I am happy with 1 and feel blessed. I just feel so guilty

OP posts:
Original poster
JKDcot · 11/10/2021 18:26

Also as we are already older parents I feel time pressure to make a decision. It’s not like we can wait a few years and think about it

OP posts:
soughsigh · 11/10/2021 18:29

Your pregnancy will probably be different. I have a newborn and a 3yo and found pregnancy extremely draining and I have 'good' pregnancies.

Do you want another DC? For me I dreaded the newborn and baby phase more than pregnancy but went through with it because I wanted 2.

tiggerwhocamefortea · 11/10/2021 18:42

I think resentment is inevitable unfortunately - there were threads it seemed almost daily a while back from women who wanted a second (or third) child and their posts were hugely resentful that their partner/husband etc were refusing. You will resent him if you have another "bad" pregnancy and he will resent you for forcing an only child family on him.

No two pregnancies are the same though and Chances are just as high that you could have a trouble free one

For what's it's worth I do think you should always be Prepared to have a sibling unless there are medical/social/financial reasons why you can't as for me i do think children need/want siblings. 9 months out of a lifetime in the grand scheme of things is a drop in the ocean x

stillsleeptraining · 11/10/2021 18:47

Agree with the "your body, your decision" comment. It is just such an enormous thing to do.

You could have a great pregnancy - my second pregnancy wasn't as horrendous as my first, but it was really tough. DH had to do all the cooking for 7 months - I literally couldn't enter the kitchen without violent and continuous vomiting from the smells. It was so hard on DS1. Everything was hard - I wasn't there physically, I had checked out emotionally because I was just trying to get through the day.

I have a recurring nightmare that I get pregnant again whilst living in Texas and can't have an abortion. It's so vivid Confused I just couldn't do it again.

Original poster
JKDcot · 11/10/2021 18:48

@tiggerwhocamefortea I do agree with you and would prefer a sibling for my son. But I was so unwell during pregnancy and I am just so petrified to have it happen again. I feel scared to have a conversation about it to be honest

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/10/2021 18:48

Is he actually saying that he wants another one?

CasaBonita · 11/10/2021 18:49

My second pregnancy (which ended in miscarriage at 10 weeks) was horrendous from the beginning, the sickness came on with in days of conception! I was bloated, exhausted and just felt awful. I felt pretty shit during my first pregnancy too, but I was 7 yrs younger and able to cope better!

In the end we decided not to try again for several reasons and have stuck with the one. I have to disagree with the previous comment about children needing siblings. It's really not the be all and end all.

ANameChangeAgain · 11/10/2021 18:51

If you are scared to have the conversation with him then you absolutely shouldn't be having another baby with him. I hope you are okay @jkdcot?

stillsleeptraining · 11/10/2021 18:52

@tiggerwhocamefortea

I think resentment is inevitable unfortunately - there were threads it seemed almost daily a while back from women who wanted a second (or third) child and their posts were hugely resentful that their partner/husband etc were refusing. You will resent him if you have another "bad" pregnancy and he will resent you for forcing an only child family on him.

No two pregnancies are the same though and Chances are just as high that you could have a trouble free one

For what's it's worth I do think you should always be Prepared to have a sibling unless there are medical/social/financial reasons why you can't as for me i do think children need/want siblings. 9 months out of a lifetime in the grand scheme of things is a drop in the ocean x

I'm not sure on the sibling comment. DH is an only child and is the happiest, loveliest person without an ego at all. I think it all comes from having undivided attention and not needing to fight for anything! His parents gave him so much love and attention. He had friends living close by and they went on holiday together. They all have wonderful relationships now.

Whereas I have physical and emotional scars from having siblings and hardly have any relationship with them now

bookworm14 · 11/10/2021 19:00

he will resent you for forcing an only child family on him.

Having one child isn’t some hideous punishment. I do get tired of the bizarre attitudes about only children on here.

shepabear · 11/10/2021 19:10

You just need to be honest and open with him about how you feel, and if you don't want to put your body through pregnancy again then that is absolutely valid. You shouldn't get pregnant again out of obligation to him. You do need to be completely honest and frank with him so he can really see it from your point of view.
We have an only child - my husband was really keen on having a second but I'd gone through a mental health crisis and had come to the realization that if I had another baby to look after I might well do significant damage to what was then my quite fragile mental health. I couldn't do that to myself to please him, and even though my son was begging for a brother or sister at times I knew our family would be worse off if we went down that road. We talked about it and though he was disappointed he understands that potentially sacrificing the progress I've made with my MH isn't worth it and he has accepted we are only having one child. We're very happy as a three now.

Original poster
JKDcot · 11/10/2021 19:11

I am not scared to have a conversation with him as he would be angry. I just don’t want to disappoint him and feel it should be such a joint decision and I feel it’s unfair I just say no. I think he’s aware I am not keen but it’s not been discussed properly. We keep all our sons baby clothes and toys etc in the loft… for what I don’t know?

I think an only child is great and we would raise him to be a strong happy boy with lots of friends. Our family live nearby so we have a busy household with lots of love and company. I think it comes down to choice and circumstances I suppose

OP posts:
Mio1994 · 11/10/2021 19:36

I had a pretty easy pregnancy and birth, yet I'm here not wanting another because I just dont see how I would cope. I have told DP this but I think he just thinks our DS is only 17 months so I will change my mind in time.. I guess we will have to hash that out when the time comes but I have serious guilt about DS being an only child. I have 1 sibling but I wouldn't say we are close. DP is close to his brother and I guess would want that for DS. I just think sometimes siblings aren't the be all and end all. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty for just wanting the one. At the end of the day you are the one who has to grow and carry them, give birth to them, deal with all the body changes this brings yet again and inevitably sacrifice the most for them. Do what makes you happy

ManicPixie · 12/10/2021 07:39

@ANameChangeAgain

If you are scared to have the conversation with him then you absolutely shouldn't be having another baby with him. I hope you are okay *@jkdcot*?
Don’t be hyperbolic. The OP is just worried about disappointing them.

It’s certainly a tough one. I’ve no answer but bear in mind covid isn’t as prevalent anymore so you wouldn’t have the same social restrictions this time round.

JudgementalCactus · 12/10/2021 07:45

@tiggerwhocamefortea

I think resentment is inevitable unfortunately - there were threads it seemed almost daily a while back from women who wanted a second (or third) child and their posts were hugely resentful that their partner/husband etc were refusing. You will resent him if you have another "bad" pregnancy and he will resent you for forcing an only child family on him.

No two pregnancies are the same though and Chances are just as high that you could have a trouble free one

For what's it's worth I do think you should always be Prepared to have a sibling unless there are medical/social/financial reasons why you can't as for me i do think children need/want siblings. 9 months out of a lifetime in the grand scheme of things is a drop in the ocean x

All kids needing a sibling is a load of bullshit. Some kids have horrible relationships with siblings. Research show only kids have better opportunities in life because more resources are focused on them.

Stop trying to shame OP into having kids she doesn't want. It's appaling!

TumtumTree · 12/10/2021 07:45

This is one thing that isn't a joint decision IMO. Having a baby is such a huge thing that both parents need to be fully on board. So it's okay to say you don't want another for whatever reason you like (and I'd say the same if it was your DH that didn't want another). I'm not saying your DH won't be disappointed, but that doesn't take away your right to decide.

Also, you say that you are happy with one, so I'm inclined to think it's more than just the pregnancy part that is putting you off? It's fine to stop at one, OP.

5zeds · 12/10/2021 07:47

I found my second pregnancy easier. Still vomitous and exhausting but I was quite anxious through my first and the second was healing for me. (To be clear I don’t think you should have more unless you want to). If it’s genuinely the pregnancy that puts you off then my experience is that it was slightly easier (in that I knew to just sit down when tired etc) and emotionally positive and I was a much better parent as I relaxed into it more. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t want to do it.

Chocaholic9 · 12/10/2021 08:06

No, you are not being unreasonable. It's your body and your health at risk when you carry a child.

Iheartmysmart · 12/10/2021 08:19

I had a horrible pregnancy followed by a long back to back labour ending in an emergency section. Made it quite clear to then DH that there wouldn’t be another one.

DS is now 19 and has never been bothered about being an only child. He’s happy, confident and has a great group of friends he’s known since Foundation stage at school.

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/10/2021 08:23

My last pregnancy was so awful I would never have planned another pregnancy. This is a legitimate reason and you shouldn't feel any guilt.

ClaryFairchild · 12/10/2021 08:25

I was 39 with my second pregnancy and it was so much easier than the first. But, your body, your choice.