6 year old suddenly rude to grandparents

[NorthSouth25]

Hello. Hope someone can offer some advice. My parents are visiting (they live at the other end of the country so we only see them once every few weeks). They adore my daughter who is 6 (7 in 2 months time).

She is their only grandchild and they are constantly getting her little treats, sending parcels for her with magazines and little lego toys, and when they arrived they had gotten her Harry Potter goodies. She muttered 'thanks' then seemed a bit offish.

She is usually all over them when they see each other but this time she is shy, clingy with me, refusing to give out cuddles etc and just wants me instead.

She doesn't like being the centre of attention and they do make a fuss of her but it breaks my heart (and theirs too no doubt) to see her being so disinterested / rude. Especially as they have made the long journey and are an amazing help with the school run and childcare.

Any advice? Thanks so much.

Talk to her? Ask her what's wrong?

Talk to her. She might be a bit overwhelmed. Explain to her that they’ve come to see her and love her lots, and that they miss her because they don’t get to see her often.

Be firm about her being rude too. It’s ok not to want lots of cuddles but it’s not ok to be rude.

None of that sounds rude. It sounds like she's overwhelmed and uncomfortable.
They're here, she's out of routine and maybe she doesn't like the fuss they're making over her. She said thank you (even if muttered). Clinging to you is a sign she's uncomfortable. Just because they fuss over her and buy her things doesn't mean she has a connection with them or feels comfortable especially if she doesn't see them often.

I don’t think that’s “rude”.
Quite natural, I’d have said, if she doesn’t see them very often, especially if they’re full on. They need to step back a bit and give her time to warm to them. Forcing her to be “nice” won’t help.

Agree, we need to listen to our children and allow them to set their own boundaries. They are in reality strangers to her 6 year old self, who are love bombing her and she is expected to love them back. It is too intense, the 'amazing help with school run and childcare ' is help for you but disruption for her. Take it slowly.

She is nearly 7 and probably feeling uncomfortable. Though they clearly love her it’s all pretty full on. She doesn’t like being the centre of attention but is being forced to be by the sounds of it. She doesn’t really see them day to day as they live far away so it’s a change to her routine and she is definitely old enough to say she doesn’t want a cuddle. It’s her body let her choose to be cuddled. It all sounds a bit much for her plus at her age her friends are becoming more important. She isn’t being rude just developing her own personality.

I thought you were going to say she was saying rude things to them. She just sounds shy. She did say thanks. Hopefully she'll come out of her shell

Thanks so much for the replies. And so quick! This is my first ever post :-)

Agree she is out of her routine but they are definitely not like strangers to her as although we live far away we have seen them every couple of months since she was born (apart from lockdown - perhaps that has not helped!).. but yes they can be quite fussy with the attention.

So hard to see as they adore her and are wonderful grandparents. She only has one set as my partners parents died before she was born.

I will talk to them gently. They are lovely people and I just want everyone to get along. They are also staying for xmas this year and I'll have enough to stress about with the huge turkey! ;-)

Do they facetime? We live away from gp and facetime really helps the relationship. So when our DC see then it all feels normal and natural like their weekly catch up

This isn't rude. She's probably overwhelmed at the fuss & I feel like her feelings should take priority over the fact that you think her appearing rude May break your parents hearts.

Even as an adult I have family members that are just too full on and it puts me right off.

We do FaceTime @dragonpox and yes, it really does help.

It's hard as she has - up until now- always given them so much affection back but perhaps it's part of getting older too.

It could just be a phase, my daughter can be like this at times. I think she is quite introverted so if she's been busy at school and the weekend she is less likely to be happy to have visitors. It also could just be a small thing that's put her in a bad mood so worth asking her. She'll probably warm up a bit with time. Try not to worry too much as it's unlikely a long term problem xx

Thanks @Cuddlemuffin - that is reassuring to hear.

I think my daughter is definitely an introvert too (like me). xx

@NorthSouth25

Thanks so much for the replies. And so quick! This is my first ever post :-)

Agree she is out of her routine but they are definitely not like strangers to her as although we live far away we have seen them every couple of months since she was born (apart from lockdown - perhaps that has not helped!).. but yes they can be quite fussy with the attention.

So hard to see as they adore her and are wonderful grandparents. She only has one set as my partners parents died before she was born.

I will talk to them gently. They are lovely people and I just want everyone to get along. They are also staying for xmas this year and I'll have enough to stress about with the huge turkey! ;-)

Just an observation on this - although they see her every couple of months remember that every couple of months is a completely abstract concept to a 7 year old. Their day/ routine is really all they know - they don't contextualise time/ months/ visits/ events in the same was as an adult does. So regularity to you may appear as randomness to her. Maybe if you did dates on a calendar and planned a treat/ trip around each she would look forward more?

For as much as it comes from a place of good with your parents, it sounds, like others have said, that she’s a bit overwhelmed. Hopefully you have the relationship with your parents that you can ask them to not be OTT with her, and let her one to them once she’s over her initial shyness. We had to be like that with our son and it helped if people held back a bit and weren’t all over him

Yeah I can definitely talk to them, they're very understanding and lovely.

It puts my mind at rest to hear others have experienced the same :-)

They are overwhelming her by expecting constant interaction and validation from her, especially if she's an introvert. It sounds quite tiring for a small child.

Get them involved in her day-to-day routine, taking her to the playground, for a trip to the shops, baking with her, stuff like that - so the focus isn't so much on her but on them spending time doing things with her. Ask them to talk to you when you're just sitting round at home and your DD will probably join in when she feels comfortable.

Great ideas - thanks @Goldbar :)

If they are staying for Christmas, there's lots of Christmas stuff they could do with your DC which would give them a focus for interacting with her:

• Taking her out for hot chocolate and to choose a new Christmas tree bauble/comic.
• Taking her to the panto
• Give her some money and ask GPs to take her shopping to choose presents for you and your DH
• Decorate a gingerbread house
• Christmas baking
• Christmas painting
• Making Christmas cards

I'm planning to do lots of this shit these activities with my DC because they love them and remember them as happy moments, but honestly if I had another willing adult to offload them onto while I had a drink, I probably would. I don't enjoy crafting and baking but don't want my DC to miss out.

I don't think any of that sounds rude either. It sounds like she has become more self aware and is a bit shy. Not wanting cuddles is perfectly ok too, as it's her body and I certainly wouldn't force the issue.

I think she sounds bored of being given all these gifts to get their attention. She probably would just enjoy their company than sending her or bringing her gifts every time. They should definitely stop sending stuff. They can bring something when they see her, but she can be given it without the fuss, which she’s probably not liking.

It's a developmental change. My DD almost 7 is going through this.
It's not rude she is just feeling uncomfortable with being treated as a little kid and having expectations put upon her 'give granny a nice big cuddle' is something I have sworn never to say again as it's up to her. Sometime gifts are pressurising too, as an adult I struggle sometimes with how much thanks do I have to show.

So I don't think it's being rude, it's just growing out of one phase and not quite knowing where to stand next, so to speak.

@Goldbar

If they are staying for Christmas, there's lots of Christmas stuff they could do with your DC which would give them a focus for interacting with her:

• Taking her out for hot chocolate and to choose a new Christmas tree bauble/comic.
• Taking her to the panto
• Give her some money and ask GPs to take her shopping to choose presents for you and your DH
• Decorate a gingerbread house
• Christmas baking
• Christmas painting
• Making Christmas cards

I'm planning to do lots of this shit these activities with my DC because they love them and remember them as happy moments, but honestly if I had another willing adult to offload them onto while I had a drink, I probably would. I don't enjoy crafting and baking but don't want my DC to miss out.

Thank so much @Goldbar - you sound like a woman after my own heart! xx

@BrilliantBetty

It's a developmental change. My DD almost 7 is going through this. It's not rude she is just feeling uncomfortable with being treated as a little kid and having expectations put upon her 'give granny a nice big cuddle' is something I have sworn never to say again as it's up to her. Sometime gifts are pressurising too, as an adult I struggle sometimes with how much thanks do I have to show.

So I don't think it's being rude, it's just growing out of one phase and not quite knowing where to stand next, so to speak.

Thanks @BrilliantBetty this is reassuring. I do think she is definitely moving out of the little girl phase xx

Like @BrilliantBetty I have a nearly 7 year old, and the way he interacts with people is definitely changing - where once he would have been super-excited and all over his grandma the minute she walked through the door, he's now busy with his own stuff so he's more low key about it; and if she arrives in the middle of his favourite programme then he can appear to be completely disinterested...he isn't, he's just getting on with his day and she fits into that, rather than being the entire point of the day as she did when he was younger...if that makes sense?

He also definitely needs some warming-up time if he's not seen someone for a bit, in the context of a six year old's life a few months is a huge amount of time...so your DD may be the same.

Expectations in families are a funny thing...and I've only recently realised that as DS grows up all of us adults are having to constantly adjust to his new ways of being...it's wonderful, but a bit challenging all at the same time