Asking my 19-year-old son to leave home

[rupes17]

Hello,
this morning I told my 19-year-old son to leave our house, and if necessary, I would have him evicted. It was the hardest thing I've ever done as a father.
He has been extremely difficult for years, sometimes mixed up in drugs (I kicked him out over this until he came begging for forgiveness and promising to totally change after a month - I should have refused to allow him back), has been (pettily) fraudulent, lies continually about pretty much everything, has been violent on a number of occasions (although this has dissipated somewhat over the past 18 months as, at least, his temper has calmed), will not get out of bed, hides in his room, rarely interacts, is defiant, moody, lazy, messy, unempathetic (concerned about nothing or anyone other than his own feelings, comfort, convenience and appearance - except the dog...he adores the dog) resistant to paying a small household contribution from his UC and is appallingly selfish. He is ungenerous, personally helpless (wants help with everything but won't give it), disrespectful, goes around the house with earphones on while having telephone conversations continually, and blaring out the same when we are in bed at night.
All of this has affected our relationship as husband and wife and disrupted family life. We have spoken to him and reasoned with him, read him the riot act and given him chances.
We intended two days ago to tell him to leave, after another lie, but thought we would give him a final ultimatum and wrote out a contract that extensively listed all the conditions of living in our house (which is basically an outline of how the family - two other kids, 17 and 20-year-old girls - live on a daily basis). It also explained that if he (or anyone else) does not want to observe its conditions then he will have his house key taken and we will contact Social Services for advice on eviction and he will have 2 weeks to go to them and arrange alternative accommodation or he'll be homeless. It also listed the DSS number he could use. It required his signature, followed by mine. He argued about it, mocked it, said it was heartless and unreasonable (we hoped he wouldn't, but were sure he would).
This morning I took his key, told him to contact DSS to get things going since he has shown that he does not intend, by rejecting this 'contract', to live by our standards and house rules. I'm heartbroken but I feel we've done all we can and are left with no alternative course of action. Does anyone have any advice gained from experience? I hate to think we might lose a child forever, but life is too stressful like to continue in the way it has done for years. Thanks.

I think you have done the right thing. The right think is not always the easy thing however. Firm boundaries is key in this situation.

Good luck

I am so sorry you’ve had to do this. I have a DSS who we won’t have in the house (similar experiences) and have stopped bailing out and I know it’s such a hard thing for my husband to live with. I hope time helps.

Fair enough but where is he going to go? Single men are bottom of the list for social housing. I wouldn't want one of my children living rough, no matter what they had done

He will have friends to go to or homeless shelters

A dose of reality won’t harm.

He obviously missed his luxuries before hence begging to come home, but is domineering your home - unacceptable! If he knows what's good for him a kick up the arse will help

You sound like decent, reasonable people who have given him every chance to get his life back on track. It is up to him now to sort himself out. He might be one of those ‘failure to launch’ people that never seem to do much, or he might just decide one day that he’s had enough of chaos and dossing and clean up his act.
You’ve done your bit, he’s got to crack on now and good luck to him. Hard on you and his mother though, it’s not what you envisaged for him. 🌻

All - thanks for your comments - they mean a lot and do help.

@EvilWhich I did think about this and we would give him time to get going - but it can't continue as it is. If he's prepared to risk the street when he has a comfortable home and loving parents (if he behaves in a way that deserves these things), then he can only blame himself.

This is one of those situations where you risk losing him by letting him stay too. He has to grow up. If he has any sense, this will help him do that and he will eventually realize that you had his best interests at heart.

@DriftingBlue - thank you for that perspective; very wise words and much appreciated.

I am sure you are doing the right thing for your family. Also remember that your son is not the man today that he will be tomorrow. Hopefully him leaving is the dose of reality he needs. www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/25/secrets-of-the-teenage-brain

Brutally hard for you but it is the right thing, he needs to grow up and 19 is a man he needs to realise this.....the hard way.

I would do the same thing in those circumstances.

@rupes17 This must have been so very hard for you. I’m sorry that it had to come to that. I grew up with a brother like your son, but my parents covered for his behaviour and actually enabled it. They vehemently denied that he was anything but a poor, misunderstood victim, and anyone who reported that he had stolen from them or been violent was met with outright denial. When they were shown conclusive evidence, they were told that they must have done something to incite this. Apart from the antisocial, disruptive behaviour, he was more than twice my weight and almost a foot taller than me. He held knives to my throat on more than one occasion to either steal money or “prove” that he was untouchable. I couldn’t study in that environment. I wasn’t safe. My parents never believed anything negative that I told them, either. I knew that my parents didn’t have my best interests at heart. They wouldn’t protect me. I lost all respect for them, and moved out as soon as I could. Both of my parents were dead by the time we were in our mid-40’s. They had enabled him so much, that they had created an adult that was utterly disfunctional. He never worked. He couldn’t retain friends or partners, etc. He spent his time buying miniature plastic skateboards and fake samurai swords and complaining about how unfair life was. Your daughters will thank you for protecting them from their brother. They will be sad for him and hope that he learns to make good choices, but they will be relieved.

It’s harsh but it’s the best thing in the circumstances . I did it to one of mine when he was 18. We simply couldn’t have him living in the house anymore, and as he would regularly go missing for days long drug binges we assumed he had at least a couple of sofa serving options. He began stealing from us and then the younger dc and would come home in some shocking states.
He ended up in a house share, continues to go off the rails and we barely saw him for about a year, we had sporadic contact , he was embarrassed I think. After a year or so he seemed gradually to start to straighten out. he’s in his late 20s now, no drugs, settled with a good job, partner, children, and we have a great relationship now . He doesn’t hold it against us and we have told him how proud we are of him. Hold the line op, hopefully he will dick about for a bit then crack on with being a grown up. He probably will never grow up under your roof.

Also forgot to say, I told him I would always feed him, anytime, and I would do his washing if he couldn’t.

Thanks again all. He can be very plausible when he needs to be, and his reasoning and twists have us wondering if we're wrong, unreasonable or going mad. It's so easy for doubt to creep in and make it harder but it will lead to more disappointment, stress and heartache I think.

I'm not sure what I would have done in your position, it must have been so difficult for all of you.

Thanks again all. He can be very plausible when he needs to be, and his reasoning and twists have us wondering if we're wrong.

This has stood out for me though. Being very plausible and taking drugs. Do you think there's a chance that he had something like ADHD? Has he ever been assessed?

I am sorry he is so difficult. It must have been a heartbreaking decision for you to make. Does he have anywhere he can go, family or friends? I can't see SS finding him accommodation. He might end up on the streets and winter is coming.

@DominicRaabsTravelAgent he hasn't been assessed for ADHD, but the drugs are over with now. He wasn't doing very much - but he did deal some and that's why I threw him out the first time.

I can't see SS finding him accommodation. He might end up on the streets and winter is coming.

As mentioned further up, he won't really won't be a priority for rehoming, he will literally be at the bottom of the pile. Unless he's got the money for a room in a house share or a relative or friend to take him in, he'll either be sofa surfing or on the streets.

@DominicRaabsTravelAgent I know am in pieces over this. He has and has had an option and a chance to knuckle down under house rules but is stubborn and argumentative. He must fend for himself if he makes the wrong choice and won't accept guidance or authority. I will give him money (he doesn't know this) once he goes but we cannot be fools any longer.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It really does sound like you have tried different approaches and nothing seems to help the situation. He has a choice as you said, to just fix up and he will be able to live in a loving home and it's not much to ask. He is taking it for granted right now. He will only realise what he's lost when he doesn't have it anymore. You shouldn't have to put up with this any longer

Any idea what his options are once he leaves you?

@rupes17 - whether or not he has ADHD, another type of learning disorder or MH problem, you simply can’t allow him to continue living like this, and it sounds to me as though you are kind and loving parents who really have tried to support him in every way possible. It’s not healthy or safe for anyone living in the house with someone like this - including him. He certainly doesn’t sound like a happy person, and he is taking this out on the people who are supporting him. As a parent, I can’t begin to imagine the hell you have been through to get to this stage, or the torment you must be feeling now you have made this decision. (I know you will second-guess yourself and feel guilty regardless, because that’s what parents do, isn’t it??? Don’t beat yourself up there!) Meanwhile, as I said earlier, I was the sister with a brother like this. Your daughters will be so thankful that you had their backs.

I could have written this story. Had trouble with ds from 18. We decided he would never divide us. Moved to oz at 19 trouble every weekend. New Zealand at 21 . All paid by us. Iceland at 24. A pure mess. Came home at 26. Baby at 28 worked and split up with partner when baby was 3 months. Baby came every weekend. Jan 2020 several suicide attempts we said this is it. Threw him out a week later i need to go to rehab and he did for 4 mths.
Lockdown came and no one could visit. I did not believe it could work but it did. Came out a whole different person
AA and Na meeting's 3 times a week. Fantastic relationship with son.Full time good earning job Gym and running.Mentors other's. Still at home where he needs to be. Hard hard road. You have to keep the faith!

@Nannyamc - thanks , an inspirational story - I will take note.