Asking my 19-year-old son to leave home

[rupes17]

Hello,
this morning I told my 19-year-old son to leave our house, and if necessary, I would have him evicted. It was the hardest thing I've ever done as a father.
He has been extremely difficult for years, sometimes mixed up in drugs (I kicked him out over this until he came begging for forgiveness and promising to totally change after a month - I should have refused to allow him back), has been (pettily) fraudulent, lies continually about pretty much everything, has been violent on a number of occasions (although this has dissipated somewhat over the past 18 months as, at least, his temper has calmed), will not get out of bed, hides in his room, rarely interacts, is defiant, moody, lazy, messy, unempathetic (concerned about nothing or anyone other than his own feelings, comfort, convenience and appearance - except the dog...he adores the dog) resistant to paying a small household contribution from his UC and is appallingly selfish. He is ungenerous, personally helpless (wants help with everything but won't give it), disrespectful, goes around the house with earphones on while having telephone conversations continually, and blaring out the same when we are in bed at night.
All of this has affected our relationship as husband and wife and disrupted family life. We have spoken to him and reasoned with him, read him the riot act and given him chances.
We intended two days ago to tell him to leave, after another lie, but thought we would give him a final ultimatum and wrote out a contract that extensively listed all the conditions of living in our house (which is basically an outline of how the family - two other kids, 17 and 20-year-old girls - live on a daily basis). It also explained that if he (or anyone else) does not want to observe its conditions then he will have his house key taken and we will contact Social Services for advice on eviction and he will have 2 weeks to go to them and arrange alternative accommodation or he'll be homeless. It also listed the DSS number he could use. It required his signature, followed by mine. He argued about it, mocked it, said it was heartless and unreasonable (we hoped he wouldn't, but were sure he would).
This morning I took his key, told him to contact DSS to get things going since he has shown that he does not intend, by rejecting this 'contract', to live by our standards and house rules. I'm heartbroken but I feel we've done all we can and are left with no alternative course of action. Does anyone have any advice gained from experience? I hate to think we might lose a child forever, but life is too stressful like to continue in the way it has done for years. Thanks.

@PanicBuyingSprouts - I'm afraid not...we have suggested friends/girlfriend (yes - he has one who seems to be spellbound against her better judgement) as well as the SS route. It hurts but it really is his business now.

@Bluee1994 - thanks...I hope he comes to his senses but judging by his attitude, this is 95% unlikely.

@Justilou1 thank you for your story - you are right about him. Isn't it strange how guilt can override all other things in such circumstances?But we know if we weaken t will continue forever.

@Dragongirl10 - thanks for that. This all really does lend strength.

@statetrooperstacey thanks for your story - I pray it will work out for him - and by extension, us - like that.

If he is claiming UC can you find him a room in a house share? Then he can claim housing benefit? I have done this with my daughter 22 who was very difficult to live with. She has actually surprised me with how much she has grown up.

@Snooper22 it's a good suggestion and I will look into it.

havent read the full thread but was he asseessed for any disfunction?

@bluebell34567 yes - some anger management issues years ago, which have dissipated after CAMHS, but now replaced by the general widespread problems of today. It may be a straight-through process from one to the other and we have suggested more assessment to him but he has refused any help in this regard.

There is a group called The Foyer Federation that might be worth looking up. If you get him in somewhere like this he could get the support he needs. I'm sorry you are all going through this. His behaviour sounds awful.

As he's under 21, there's charities that offer supported living in some places. Though I actually think a month or more at a charity where you have to work for your keep would give him the purpose he's lacking, they are scattered about, usually rural and often run by religious orgs but I know if formally homeless addicts transformed and now working full time in the food and farming industries.

Best of luck, it's hard but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind!

I am also in your position, unfortunately. I evicted my son in July following repeated incidents of violence around the house and abusive and threatening behaviour towards my daughter and I. In the end the police were involved and it was dreadful.
It was the right thing to do for our family but it has destroyed me emotionally and I no longer have any contact with him. We were fortunate in that he has uni accommodation to stay in or I’m not sure I would have had the strength to follow through. My husband is still in contact with him, but I don’t feel able to have him in my life until he has sought help for his anger issues and stopped using drugs.
I feel as if the son I loved so much has died but I am not allowed to grieve. I have experienced feelings of deep shame for my failure as a mother but we really tried everything and gave him so many chances. In the end I had to put my daughter first, as well as my own mental and physical health.
I have no idea if we will ever have a relationship again and it breaks my heart

OP I asked my dd to leave at 18. She did not respect me and laughed in my face at one point. She felt I was bossing her around if I asked her to wash her own plate or I was being patronising when in reality I had to change my voice when I spoke to her so I didn't piss her off. She didn't respect the house either. She moved in with one of her friends who had an apartment. She also could have gone to her boyfriends. I was really sad when she went and really felt like I had failed.

She actually got her shit together and now travels all over the world for her work, she is one of my best friends now and I love her to bits, we text or speak daily.

I do think some adult kids need pushing out the nest, my relative has a 21 year old son living in her front room as she only had a flat and the rooms are taken. He doesn't work and won't claim benefits. He sits up till 4/5am gaming then sleeps all day on the couch. She won't kick him out because she won't see her son on the street. Yet she is depressed and skint because she is looking after a 21 year man who never stops eating and expects her to buy his 'vape juice'. She will wake up in the morning and he has eaten all the bread/cereal/ milk from snacking through the night so she will have to run to the shop so the other kids can eat breakfast before school.

Then complains that no one in the family likes him...

@honeygriff thanks that's useful info. We are trying another route for assessment so he gets proper assessment and assistance.

@gogohm thanks - I have heard this from some friends who have a similar child. We will try the assessment route and then look into this.

@BBCK I am so sorry. It does sound as though you've really gone through it (and still are). I feel for you and have the same fears for the end result. I hope and pray that there's a happy ending for both of us eventually.

You have done a good thing for him - although he won’t realise this probably until he is a parent himself!

On a practical note it’s not social services he should contact. He should go to the Housing Officecat the council and declare himself homeless. He will get a temporary place probably in a hostel or b&b for a few weeks while they assess his situation.

As PP have said if you could provide the deposit and/or stand guarantor for him in a house share this will mean he can claim the housing element of UC. You will then have some comfort that he has a roof over his head. Once he starts having to budget for bills, launderettes, food shopping etc this may be the wake up call he needs.

@montypythonscupoftea this sounds depressingly familiar. I'm glad to hear about your daughter. At the moment I see no potential for my son to come around - I'm certain there is the potential, but his stubborn selfishness is so consuming that he will not exercise it and at this time his only concern in life is himself. Something I did not mention - my daughter was diagnosed with leukaemia 3 years ago; (she had a successful transplant and is well), but his response when first told, was: "that's life"; this was the closest I have ever come to hitting him and that was when I knew he was deeply flawed and feared he was soulless. There is still an element of that in him, but I think it is dissipating. Here's to he release of the better person that I'm hoping is deep down inside him.

@VanCleefArpels - thanks for that; it's good advice and I will look into it today.

[quote rupes17]@montypythonscupoftea this sounds depressingly familiar. I'm glad to hear about your daughter. At the moment I see no potential for my son to come around - I'm certain there is the potential, but his stubborn selfishness is so consuming that he will not exercise it and at this time his only concern in life is himself. Something I did not mention - my daughter was diagnosed with leukaemia 3 years ago; (she had a successful transplant and is well), but his response when first told, was: "that's life"; this was the closest I have ever come to hitting him and that was when I knew he was deeply flawed and feared he was soulless. There is still an element of that in him, but I think it is dissipating. Here's to he release of the better person that I'm hoping is deep down inside him.[/quote]
I know it sounds harsh but I'd save yourself the agro of hoping for a better person. You likely fear he is soulless, because he is. And perhaps if it had been spotted and dealt with when he was very young, this could have been prevented. But at 19, disorders like npd and sociopathy are not curable. He does not want help, because a lion has no interest in learning how to live as a lamb.

You have daughters to protect and are right to remove him for your sake and theirs. And also, might be wise to have them take the freedom program so that they don't accidently choose abusive partners as a result of growing up with their brother the way he is.

@Pinkbonbon thanks - and though indeed they are harsh, those are sobering words and very close to my reluctant view of him. Your lion/lamb analogy is well put. He is no threat to my daughters (and they also lean towards kind men/boys) but is a pernicious influence generally and as it stands this is why we have resolved, vey sadly, to remove him.

It’s better to go through this short term pain than years and years of him leaching off you and making you miserable. In the end he will not only end up hating you but also hating himself as he keeps making poor decisions with no repercussions. Make sure he feels loved but be firm. Long term this will help him to become more independent and therefore confident in himself.

@ArranMumma whatever the outcome, whether he is steered to another path or remains on this one, I think you are right and this course of action is necessary, however tragic it feels now. Thank you.