Mum friends don’t like me

[northernlass89]

My son has just turned 9 months old. We signed up to a local antenatal group before he was born, which began online and then progressed to regular meet-ups as restrictions eased.

I have very bad social anxiety but pushed myself to attend the meet-ups as I wanted to make new friends and for my son to meet other babies his age.

However earlier today I randomly bumped into one of the mums from the group in town and had a brief chat. She’s apparently been meeting up with a few other mums from the group on a regular basis for coffees and play dates.

I feel sad that I haven’t been invited to any of these and am worried there’s something wrong with me and that people don’t want my company for whatever reason.

I’m really desperate to make friends with other mums locally as we live in a fairly rural area and I feel so isolated at times.

Is it too late to start making connections in the group? Should I send a message inviting them to a play date or is it too late?

I just wish I was less socially awkward and better at making friends, for my sons sake more than anything.

Any advice?

It is hard but I think you sometimes have to be the one to put yourself out there and initiate these things.
I think you should invite them to a play date yes, what’s the worst that can happen.

I think you are just not going to connect with everyone, sometimes people just don’t see you as a close friend more of an acquaintance, it’s normal to not get on with everyone and it just sounds like they are closer to the other mums than you, maybe try another group? Or there are parenting apps you can try to meet other mums?

Sometimes these things happen purely by chance. Perhaps they all went to the same baby music class, one person whatsapped the others afterwards and it went from there.

You have a choice now - you can sit and brood or you can text that mum and say “lovely to catch up today. If you’re meeting the other mums soon I would love to join you”. Or get in touch with all of them and say “bumped into X today and realised I haven’t seen you all for ages, want to meet up?”

What have you got to lose?

What have you got to lose?

I suppose what I’ve got to lose is even more of my self esteem (what I’ve got left of it!)

The truth is they’re a nice bunch and I would love to be friends with some of them. But I already feel rejected by the fact that some have been meeting up privately and I’ve not been invited.

I know it’s my own fault because I’m very socially awkward - I’m a good person underneath, but admittedly not the best in social situations (out of nerves!) and not a natural when it comes to making friends.

You have to remember that we're all the same inside. Other people need encouragement. They need to know that you're friendly, you're nice, and you won't cut them off or be unpleasant. Lots of smiles, maybe invite for coffee or playdates for DC.

Thanks - I’m just not sure I’ve got the confidence to reach out!

This happens all the time with groups. It feels worse when you have a young baby or children, because it seems like a rejection of you both.
Making friends is hard, a lot of people don’t have the time, or know that cafes might not want ten mums with pushchairs arriving at once. Or too large a group and it is hard for them to get a word in to talk about themselves, so they limit numbers without actively thinking who they will leave out.
As a pp said, perhaps they know each other from elsewhere. There are often all sorts of reasons why some people get left off the invitations, but almost always they are nothing to do with you.
I have been horribly lonely in groups, but I kept going and eventually you’ll meet others who are your tribe. What about the others who seem left out? talk to them.
Try different groups as well as this one. I’ve heard “oh I know her from baby yoga” or whatever. You’ll get there, it sometimes takes time, but do not dwell on it being you and try some of the suggestions.

Part of having social anxiety is reading more into interactions than there actually was. You get into a cycle of thinking you upset them or annoyed them and then pulling back from them which makes them talk to you less which you then read into it as having offended them etc. It is a vicious cycle. It is good if you can recognise when you feel it and tell yourself it isn't real. If you deliberately go outside your comfort zone with this kind of thing you can make your comfort zone wider and eventually doing this sort of thing will feel more normal and will be easier, even though the social anxiety doesn't go away and you continue to have that niggling doubt they actually don't like you and have to continually tell that feeling to be quiet

They may not like you. There's the truth. If you reach out and they seem to avoid meeting up, then take the cue. There must be some parent and baby groups around though - have you tries NCT or churches locally?

@KangarooSally

Part of having social anxiety is reading more into interactions than there actually was. You get into a cycle of thinking you upset them or annoyed them and then pulling back from them which makes them talk to you less which you then read into it as having offended them etc. It is a vicious cycle. It is good if you can recognise when you feel it and tell yourself it isn't real. If you deliberately go outside your comfort zone with this kind of thing you can make your comfort zone wider and eventually doing this sort of thing will feel more normal and will be easier, even though the social anxiety doesn't go away and you continue to have that niggling doubt they actually don't like you and have to continually tell that feeling to be quiet

This. I had a lot going on when I had ds and the more I felt I was saying or doing the wrong thing, the more I said and did the wrong thing! I didn’t relax into a big baby group at all. Being tired and spending all that time on your own doesn’t help either.

I found activities easier and small groups. Swimming lessons, activity groups or arranging to meet at a park so you do a short designated thing. Can you text this one mum you met and try a meet up at a soft play or a park just for an hour? Just concentrate on individual friendships rather than trying to win over a whole group.

Sorry to hear that. I do well in small groups or one on one but in bigger groups feel the same. Been a tough year for meeting up anyway. Join some other activities for mum & baby and see how that goes. Maybe invite to meet the group and also see how it goes and don't put too much pressure on yourself. Operation Desert Storm gave good advice. Try and find a group activity that is only an hour and maybe you will meet individual mums rather than group which is harder and can arrange to park together. Don't be so hard on yourself, you will find others that you connect in time. Even go to the park feed the ducks and am sure is other mums in the same boat and strike up a conversation.

I have been to one social occasion with other mothers. I must have had the day off work or something. They were all SAHM and they were talking about somebody going back to part-time work with a two year old and how stressful that would have been. I kept my mouth firmly shut about going back to fulltime work six weeks after a c-section. They seemed to be all ex-teachers and very involved with the school. My profession was very different. I realised these were not my people and I think they realised it too.

The truth is you’re not going to make friends with people just because you have a child of a similar age too.
I’d find another group and see if I got on with other people better.

Its really hard to tell but could it just be that the people who are meeting up live near each other?

My experience with babies and small children was that I only wanted to do logistically easy things that were very local. For example a last minute meet up at a park over the road or gathering at a cafe just down the road from baby class. I couldn't be bothered with anything that had to be arranged to far in advance or required driving or public transport.

Oh don’t worry, sounds like just a few of them clicked and got on well. No reflection on you. Get out and about to other baby groups and classes and find the right people for you!

Ps social anxiety makes it harder but if you find a place, group or activity where you feel comfortable, and go regularly, you’ll build different relationships and it will all start to feel familiar and more relaxed.

The natural next step now would be to invite her for a coffee or playdate. Take it from there.

Also try and get to more groups. I just went to as many as possible because ultimately it's a numbers thing - the more people you meet, the more likely you'll make one or two friends!

I have no social anxiety and never made any mum friends until my child turned 3- even then it was only 1 mum from the nursery I connected with. Take it easy on yourself, the mum friend is a mine field

I think excluding you is cruel of them, as we all know what a lifeline these catch-ups can be at this stage of motherhood. It happened to me with my NCT group – as people started going back to work the group reduced in number to just four of us and then I found out the other three would meet up without asking me. I was really hurt and stopped contacting them and thankfully started to make friends when my DC went to nursery a couple of months later and now, through that and them going to school, I have a brilliant bunch of mum friends who I really click with. So I would cut my losses with this group and try out a few other baby groups locally to meet more like-minded mums. Good luck!

I can’t imagine they’d be deliberately cruel - but perhaps it’s like another poster said, I’m just not liked for whatever reason? I wonder if it’s something I’ve said or done.

You're not even reading the rational posts OP. It won't be deliberate, just start organising meet ups one on one yourself. It's hard work as you know.

Obviously none of us here can tell you if anyone likes you or if you said something wrong. All we can do is speculate based on our experiences

Is it the whole antenatal group minus you which have been meeting up? Or just a few?

If it’s the latter it’s highly unlikely they don’t like you or have excluded you deliberately. Far more likely these mums grouped up for some other reason - live closer, same activity, who knows. Maybe they just clicked and get on well, but that isn’t the same as disliking you. Please stop overanalysing

You're not even reading the rational posts OP.

This stands out to me too - almost 100% of responses are saying "It's nothing personal" but you have only taken in the one response that says "They don't like you".

They probably like you fine, and if you said "Oh I'd be up for a coffee too, can you count me in some time? I'm losing my mind at home", they would most likely do so. I found I needed to abandon all hope of playing it cool when making maternity leave friends.

I would keep reaching out, and contact people 1-2-1, it’s expected that you’ll be a little more pushy than you would with a normal friendship and ‘ask then out for coffee’ etc. I always tried to organise larger group things and invite everyone but sometimes only 2 people would turn up and I’d end up just doing the next one with them as I also felt uncomfortable, rejected etc. I remember seeing two mums that had stopped coming to ‘group’ things together and feeling a bit hurt and taking it as a rejection, but on the outside I seemed really sociable and confident. Please don’t give up, if there are friendly people in the group.