Mum friends don’t like me

[northernlass89]

My son has just turned 9 months old. We signed up to a local antenatal group before he was born, which began online and then progressed to regular meet-ups as restrictions eased.

I have very bad social anxiety but pushed myself to attend the meet-ups as I wanted to make new friends and for my son to meet other babies his age.

However earlier today I randomly bumped into one of the mums from the group in town and had a brief chat. She’s apparently been meeting up with a few other mums from the group on a regular basis for coffees and play dates.

I feel sad that I haven’t been invited to any of these and am worried there’s something wrong with me and that people don’t want my company for whatever reason.

I’m really desperate to make friends with other mums locally as we live in a fairly rural area and I feel so isolated at times.

Is it too late to start making connections in the group? Should I send a message inviting them to a play date or is it too late?

I just wish I was less socially awkward and better at making friends, for my sons sake more than anything.

Any advice?

Please don't take it personally. These things mostly happen by chance and I'm always surprised at how fast people end up forming new friendships from groups like this, I'm much more of a slow burner. The fact that you're not already invited doesn't at all mean that they don't want you there or that there isn't still time to be included. You might just have to put yourself out there a bit. What did you say when she mentioned the group hang outs? She wouldn't have mentioned them if they were a secret from you! That would have been a good time to say, "oh I would LOVE to join you!"

As a PP said maybe they are shy and just asked the few mums they knew would say yes! I am constantly organising group things and will always mostly just ask my "yes" people as even if you're confident it makes you feel bad if you get rejections.

I would say easiest place to start is getting some 1:1 hang outs in place, keep it very chill, don't tell anyone you're sad to be left out or anything like that. Once you've had some 1:1 play dates you can suggest, oh btw Kate, Lauren is really lovely, should we do a we catch up with all three of us?

Before you know it you'll have a little gang.

Alternate view is also that sometimes you do take a while to find your tribe, so be part of different groups and activities and you'll find you click properly with some women and they can be your true buddies.

But in the mean time you can practice on everyone and cast a wide net!

I definitely don’t think it has anything to do with them not liking you. Some people just ‘click’ and make a connections and then other people don’t come to mind so quickly, it’s nothing personal. I agree with putting yourself out there. And maybe joining some other groups to make new mum friends rather than just relying on those from your ante-natal group. If it’s any consolation - I was part of quite a big group of mum friends from when my DS was about 8 weeks, having joined a local baby group, until he was one. I’m still in touch with some of them but meet ups are few and far between. When people start going back to work these things do sometimes fizzle out - lockdown obviously didn’t help. It’s nice to have mum friends but actually having friends whose shared interests go beyond having a similar aged baby are more important.

From what you have said, not all of the group have been meeting up. It sounds like some of them have, which might have been a 121 connection, know each other from other points of contact, bumped into each other at a coffee shop or one of them just reached out and said.. shall we? but didn't feel they wanted to invite the whole group.

Was there one person you thought you clicked with, who might also be feeling a little isolated? Maybe contact them and ask to meet for coffee / playdate / park and take it from there.. If that works you make another arrangement and ask her if she thinks it would be a good idea to see if others are free next time.. choosing other quiet members of the group or invite the whole group. If there are activities locally, maybe you could ask on the group if anyone has tried them or would like to try them together..

My kids are 17, 15 and 12. Believe me.. I am still engaging in these types interactions. I like company but struggle with interaction. I am going on a hike tomorrow with a lady who posted on a facebook group. I am also trying to build a business so I have to step outside my comfort zone and engage with people I might otherwise not choose to spend time with. I am currently quite depressed so it is challenging. Other times, it is easier.

Step boldly.. and see what happens. Good luck!

Do make moves to invite people to do things - that's how you make friends with or without babies. Don't worry that some are already doing that.

One of my very good friends I met at an ante natal group 21 years ago. The reason we became friends? She said I was one of first people to offer to meet up after we had babies. Friendship is about offering others what you would like to receive.

Is there a stroller walking group around? Less pressure when you’re walking,? Outdoors etc.. keep going out, I agree it ll take time to find your tribe

@northernlass89

I can’t imagine they’d be deliberately cruel - but perhaps it’s like another poster said, I’m just not liked for whatever reason? I wonder if it’s something I’ve said or done.

Read my earlier post. It isn't that they don't like you at all. Having social anxiety makes your THINK they don't like you. Then you avoid them a bit, then they think you aren't interested in you and don't include you in things, and that further cements your (false) belief that you aren't liked.

What you have to do is tell that feeling that it is not true, and then act appropriately. The more you act like you like them and they like you the more they will think you are interested in knowing them and the more they will include you. It is your own feelings that's preventing more connection.

Better yet start seeing a psychologist, as they can give you practical guidance and solutions that will treat the symptoms of your anxiety, and let you lead a note normal life with more social interaction (assuming that's what you would like).