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Parenting

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Original poster

DS rude / temper at school

39 replies

SleepingStandingUp · 27/09/2021 17:00

Slightly mortified that school have had a word today about DS being rude to the dinner lady (saying "full it up" at her with his cup) and it transpires he's been similarly rude at other times too.

He's also this afternoon yelled in class at the teacher (she asked what a word he'd wrote said) and again it seems like not the first time he's shown his anger in class.

I'm at a loss. He doesn't like school but he's normally able to hold it in. And if school don't tell me, how can I tackle it?

He's lost half a nights telly for being rude but I feel like when he's at school, he won't remember the punishment sufficiently to stop him doing it again

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NotMaryWhitehouse · 28/09/2021 06:25

Yikes! What does he say when you talk to him about it?

Bluntness100 · 28/09/2021 06:33

That’s not much of a punishment is it? You even recognise it was so little he won’t even remember it. Why are you being so lax?

If this was my child I’d have the conversation, then I’d read them the riot act and they’d either be grounded or looose their electronics for at least a week.

Bogeyes · 28/09/2021 06:40

Is he your little prince?

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Rosiiiiie · 28/09/2021 06:43

How old is he?
I’m stricter with my 5 yr old! He hit somebody at school the other day and he had no tv or dessert other than fruit.

Theunamedcat · 28/09/2021 06:46

How old is he?

My child can get pretty explosive but he has additional needs and cannot always mask in every environment

rattlemehearties · 28/09/2021 06:47

Is he struggling academically at school?

I agree with others, not sure what losing "half" an evenings TV will do... He has to understand it's unacceptable behaviour.

Suitcaseseverywhere · 28/09/2021 06:47

How old is he?

Your punishment is a bit wet tbh.

itsgettingwierd · 28/09/2021 07:20

Well she makes a huge difference.

Also is there any problems with academics. A child who is struggling academically may over react to questions about what something says because they already y feel stupid and like they can't do it.

What are school doing about the behaviour? I always believe schools have to punish for school behaviour and home for home behaviour.

If you remove everything at home for behaviour at school what do you do with behaviour at home? Also they can start to behave badly at home with they literally have nothing to lose.

Mol1628 · 28/09/2021 08:03

I would take him into school with me and make him apologise face to face with those he was rude to.

SD1978 · 28/09/2021 08:09

Half an evenings television for verbally abusing two women, plus other infractions.........I take it you put up with this behaviour at home then as that's a pretty shite punishment.

Geamhradh · 28/09/2021 08:16

Even if he's 5, the lack of good manners and respect for other people needs addressing
Presuming he's very little, given the comment about forgetting the punishment, then yes, he needs to apologize personally, and you as parent needs to make him understand he treats NOBODY like that, ever.

HotPenguin · 28/09/2021 08:22

Sorry but assuming this is a young primage aged child, I think he needs help to understand how to speak to people. "Fill it up" is probably copying something he has seen on TV. The dinner lady should deal with by telling him that isn't the right way of asking and ask him to try again. If he asks nicely then praise him and give him the water. No need for dramatic punishments. The shouting I assume is frustration and he needs to learn how to control his frustration/anger in class.

Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2021 09:31

Sorry, phone died.

He's 6.year 2 so younger end and young fro his age.

Obv school made him apologise to the dinner lady and we talked about whether it was OK for anyone to be rude to the dinner ladies and how it wasn't acceptable. I think he thought it was funny rather than rude which is an issue too obv but he has had it made clear it IS rude and not OK.

I would take him into school with me and make him apologise face to face with those he was rude to. It isn't a dinner lady we see on the school run (some are parents so we see them iyswim) so don't see how I can demand to pull her from her job thus leaving a laid of kids unsupervised so I can watch him apologise again to her. If school hadn't got him to apologise he'd have had to write her a note.

What does he say when you talk to him about it? we really struggle to get him to articulate his thoughts and feelings. He HATES literacy which was the lesson and finds it hard. He occasionally loses play times for working too slow. He digressed and talks about something else that happened earlier to upset him but I think that's it, he struggles to deal with the other stress and then it comes out as an explosive "password" when asked what the word password says for example.

verbally abusing two women, plus other infractions he was rude and it wouldn't have been acceptable at home either but I don't think shit manners shouting a word in frustration /anger is verbal abuse. He was pulled up for both by the relevant adults at the time.

You even recognise it was so little he won’t even remember it. If this was my child I’d have the conversation, then I’d read them the riot act and they’d either be grounded or looose their electronics for at least a week.. He does one after school activity a week, which I firmly believe he needs as a physical outlet. That's literally all I could ground him from. And TV/music ban for a week which also means his brothers missing out seemed excessive. Half a night because I wanted him to work at being well behaved for the rest of the night and feeling like he still had something to lose / gain. I meant remember in the moment as a deterrent. So

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Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2021 09:34

Is he your little prince? as in no my boy couldn't possibly do anything wrong? No else I wouldn't have started the thread. Obv.

I’m stricter with my 5 yr old! He hit somebody at school the other day and he had no tv or dessert other than fruit. well he's a year older at most so not sure age is the issue. We don't punish or reward with food, we already have feeding issues as he's part tube fed. And hitting is worse than bad manners and an explosive shout imo.

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Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2021 09:35

My child can get pretty explosive but he has additional needs and cannot always mask in every environment ido think he's normally better at holding it until he gets home but it's getting harder for him as he dislikes school. He doesn't struggle academically but with the pace and the writing iyswim

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Geamhradh · 28/09/2021 10:03

Ok, so he's relatively little, but something, somewhere has made him think it's ok to speak to people like that. And you've been informed it's not a one off.
Carrot and stick time.
You tell him how disappointed in his behaviour you are, as you know he is a kind little boy who knows how to treat people. You are sure it won't happen again (obtain promise) and if it does, there will be very serious consequences.

Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2021 10:13

I do struggle with the v serious consequences stuff. I struggle to know what's appropriate punishment when I think he's a frustrated child struggling to express himself.
And half a nights telly seems like nothing but it's a big thing fro him that caused him to be really upset. It's not like he's old enough to go off out with his mates or get a Tablet out.

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PieMistee · 28/09/2021 10:18

I have an explosive child with ASD. He responds well to appropriate punishment but is has to be strict and immediate. No screens is a good one as he loves screens. Usually though it works better that he will also linked to praise and reward So he is allowed an hour a night of any screen. In your circumstance I would first of all check he understood what he had done wrong and what he should say instead. Then come up with a list of inappropriate behaviours that if I heard he was doing he would be punished for. this would be 1 week with no screen time at all, his siblings can still have screens he would have to be in a different room.

I would also praise each week when there is no bad reports with an extra hour of screen time for him and sibling. And rabbit on about how well he is doing and how good he is to everyone.

johnd2 · 28/09/2021 10:38

Slightly different tack here but i notice you are mortified about it but it was something the school mentioned presumably for your awareness and it sounds like they have dealt with it.
What made you think that you had to come up with some punishment about it? Did they suggest that?

You might be letting your feelings get ahead of you, so i would suggest if the school let you know about something like that, say oh dear etc and then ask what they would suggest you do about it. After all they are highly trained in discipline compared with the on the job learning parents have to do.
It may be that they have some suggestion or they may just want to make you aware in case it ties in with anything you're seeing at home. Because it's triggered you, it leaves you much less able to work with your child and the school to help things and you end up resorting to punishments which actually may be creating barriers between you and your child rather than breaking them down.
Good luck, it sounds very hard and i hope you can find a solution.

Georgewontsleepnow · 28/09/2021 10:40

Half a night telly?? My children would have no screens for a week for that sort of rude behaviour to an adult. The very least should be writing an apology to each person he's been rude too. Go big and hard initially with discipline and there may be far less to dole out in future.

Work with the school- it feels embarrassing, but they've seen this before. Ask for daily feedback and be on the same side as them- that's not against your son, it's helping him to be a happy, constructive member of the school community.

This is all assuming there is no underlying SEN. If there is, you may need a different approach.

Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2021 11:23

Tbf we normally get a handing over chat from his 121 (he's on o2) and it's not been mentioned so I think it's that it's kinda peaked yesterday and they thought I should know. They did deal with it and I'm not sure I see the point in apologising twice just so I can watch. Doesn't that make the apology a performance piece rather than sincere?

What made you think that you had to come up with some punishment about it? Did they suggest that? no, I felt there needed to be a consequence given he'd come home and had basically disengaged from the chat. I didn't feel like it needed to be huge because school had already spoken to him so it's interesting you wouldn't have punished him at home when everyone else is calling me an overly indulgent wet and pathetic parent for not banning screen for a week, grounding him etc.

And writing an apology isn't as simple as that, making him write is as massive punishment given how he feels about it. But he did apologise in person

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minipie · 28/09/2021 11:33

I disagree with the majority here and think that any punishments should be applied by the school, at the time.

I would absolutely talk to him about it at home and pull him up on/apply consequences for any similar behaviour at home. But if school has applied consequences I don’t think it’s particularly helpful for OP to then slap some more on.

I would question where he’s getting this rude tone from. What’s he watching on TV? I remember realising DC were copying the horrible way the characters speak on Teen Titans as they thought it sounded cool/funny.

Or if you think it’s from frustration then it would be a good idea to help him work on recognising when he’s getting frustrated, and taking a deep breath or asking for help, before he boils over.

Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2021 11:35

Nothing from telly, were currently loving Bluey who are far better parents than me.

I'm trying re recognising his emotions and I'm having some support from an external agency re some of his behaviours. School are calling back in a few days

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MrsVeryTired · 28/09/2021 11:47

I would agree with @minipie and question where he's getting the tone from. Also think about DH/DP if you have one and any other influences, does anyone he spends time with behave rudely (in a supposed "jokey" manner)?
Does he have additional needs? Just you mentioning 1-2-1.

Agree that you keep an eye on his behaviour /attitude at home and trust school to deal with it at school, in the moment. Be supportive with school, "thanks for letting me know, I'll talk to him and keep an eye out for that sort of thing", if you crack down on it, if he does it when you are around, and school warn him every time then shouldn't become a big ongoing problem imo. Same with the shouting.

Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2021 11:55

I don't think he thinks the tone is OK, he knows he shouldn't do it. But we all do things we know are wrong in a moment of anger.

I feel like he's always held it together well at school but it's becoming harder

Additional needs is complicated. He's caught up from "he'll always have learning disabilities" at a few weeks old to be over a year behind at the start of school to at or above expected level in everything but PE at end of year 1. But emotionally and in terms of processing those emotions, we're not at peer group level yet and there's vague talk or an neurodevelopment assessment

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