Mums who leave their children.

[MrsRAF]

I’m suffering from major depression. My GP has referred me to therapy but the wait is so long that I’m seeing a therapist privately.
I feel so low that I could just walk out of the door leaving my only child behind.
I was talking through my depression with family but when I admitted I could leave my son people became furious with me as if I’m some kind of monster. I feel like the worst parent on the world my son deserves better.
The problem is the depression not only stops me from feeling any joy now but when I look back at my life I can’t find any happiness.
Has anyone felt similar and has any treatment worked?

You’re not alone OP. And you’re not a monster either. I was suffering very badly when my daughter was born and I frequently thought of waiting till she was with family then leaving my life behind and starting fresh. I never did, as I spoke to my GP and a mental health crisis team. I’m taking medication now and things are significantly better, I do still have my moments though.
I was very very reluctant to take medication but talking therapy alone was not enough. Obviously this is a very personal decision. Things can get better though if you find the right kind of treatment for your specific needs. I really just wanted to message though to let you know that you’re not alone

I did it - about 6 weeks after antidepressants made me worse snd worse snd orofessionaks DIDNT pick up on it (apparently I should have been taking lots of bubble baths….as a single parent with no support, abusive ex, SEN pre teen, toddler, and home educating because the system had let us down.

I tried to kill myself.

Ivd not seen one of my children for over 4 years and the other I had to fight hard just to get 50/50 - despite her father having been convicted for ABH against me.

Don’t do it - the system hates women who break.

And before anyone starts - I got a formal apology snd compensation for the decisions ‘professionals’ made -but it can’t bring my other child back.

Keep banging in doors and gritting your teeth, OP. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.

If it’s any help despite the way the system failed us, me and my daughter have a fabulous relationship and I’m still standing - there is always light at the end of the tunnel

You are not a monster. It is your family that lacks empathy.

Society (and families) react terribly to mothers who leave, or express a wish to leave due to debilitating depression. It sucks. You're not a monster, you're depressed. I've been there too. A good therapist won't judge you, but it sounds like you need to stop talking to your family about this.

It started in August and I spoke with the GP and the crisis team but everyone just keeps telling me that I have to things I don’t feel able to do. The crisis team don’t want to know unless you threaten suicide and I’m scared to tell them I’m suicidal in case they lock me up.
My grandad suffered terrible depression and he had anti depressants that made him like a zombie so my family are very much against it. The Gp also didn’t recommend them. It feels like I’m drowning with no way out and no where left to turn.

Oh @MrsRAF

I’m sorry you’re being let down like this.

What has your child’s father done to support you?

And do you have a rough location? Perhaps MNetters could point you in the direction of other services on your area?

My partner steps in when I can’t manage. He’s happy for me to have private therapy despite the expense and has told me not to worry about work, at worse I could end up being finished. I feel guilty for the stress I am putting him under but can’t snap out of it. I often wondered how people get so down they end their own live now I know.

@MrsRAF - I’ll start by saying I never post but came across this and I needed to! Everything you have said I feel! I have depression and anxiety which has gotten worse since having my baby a year ago.

It sounds to be like your family dont really understand and while I feel it’s important to talk, it’s useful to know who you can talk to and really offload to. I know I can’t discuss wanting to run away or how I feel nothing for my children with my family - they don’t understand. However professionals (well in my experience) have been fab for me. Not sure how old your little one is but I am under the care of the perinatal mental health team and they have been fab.

I have thoughts of running away and never coming back. Or even fantasising about being an accident so I can go into hospital and escape from life. It’s depression and exhaustion. It doesn’t mean your a bad mum. I know I am a great mam, I’m just unwell.

Please know you are not alone.

I also take antidepressant and while I do have side effects Such as feeling tired etc they have definitely helped me in my experience. Xxx

Thanks for the support my child is almost 8. I think I did PND but I was told it was just baby blues. I remember telling my partner I thought I has the wrong baby - they hadn’t even cut the cord yet. My therapist identified that I was probably suffering then and it stopped me from having another child something I now totally regret but I feel too old to have one now and I don’t want an 8 year age gap. I can’t face phoning my GP again at the moment it’s too difficult and with telephone appointments only my GP has a strong accent that I do struggle to understand. My therapist is on holiday for 2 weeks so will have to try to cope until then.

Are you on any hormonal contraception? It can cause depression so if you are i would stop it immediately.

Is there anything that makes it worse/ better? Could a cleaner a few times a week make your surroundings a bit nicer?

Do you have a routine? Can you add swimming to it?

Apologies if these suggestions are patronising just my first thoughts x

"The wrong baby " sounds like severe postpostnatal anxiety. Pregnancy hormones do crazy things and actually shrink your brain so it focuses more on danger! The hormones of pregnancy, breastfeeding and contraception made me feel awful, I know they're great for some but everyone is different!

Im sorry you are having such a tough time. Depression can make anyone act really out of character- saying you'll walk out on your kids is a cry for help and I'm sorry your family is judging you. You arent a monster.

Just wanted to say though, your experience of ADs might not be like your grandad's. I've known people who are much better on ADs. Plus if you already feel so miserable and joyless, and you can't find any chink of happiness in your memories, and none in the idea of staying with your kids, then it might be worth trying ADs. At least consider it, if the therapy isn't working.

mrsRAF please, for the sake of your child and partner, try the anti-depressants. They don’t work for everyone but they work for so many people, alongside your therapy.

And, stop listening to your family. You have to find the things that bolster you, not make you worse. It’s not for them to decide not to treat your health condition or to judge you when you open up to them. BTW, the ADs have come a long way in recent years - they don’t need to make you like a ‘zombie’.

Can you speak to a practice nurse or a different GP? Walk-in or mental health crisis centre?

I feel like everyone I speak see’s the depression as a problem to solve. I spoke with a nurse when I said one of my regrets was not having another child she said well have another baby. I explained that I regretted it not just for me but that my son had missed out on growing up with a sibling he’s almost 8 so having another child now wouldn’t change that.
I then talk about hating were I live - we live on my partners work site and need to be here. Again I was told if you hate it just leave.
I’m unsure if I still want to be with my partner of 18 years so my parents told me if I’m unhappy to leave or people have suggested a trail separation but that’s not easy with an 8 year old. I think I have to be sure as I don’t want to drag him back and forth.
Financially I would struggle alone so I think that would make me very unhappy. And I’m
not even sure it is my relationship.
I think it’s just everything and on my really depressed days I just feel every decision I’ve made in my life has been safe and now I regret it.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way @MrsRAF. Depression can be absolutely soul sucking and unless someone has been there, they have no idea what a nightmare it can be. Please reconsider taking medication for it. I understand that people are apprehensive about it turning them into a zombie but a severely depressed state is not preferable and medication has come a long way. It can help prop you up whilst you navigate other avenues of treatment, it doesn’t have to be forever. My husband wasn’t so keen on my taking medication but I was desperate and when he saw what a difference anti d’s made to my life, he got onboard pretty quickly. No one other than you should be able to determine whether or not you should take medication. It is your decision and no one else’s.

I can completely sympathise with you, I’m also currently in the depths of depression, anxiety and intrusive thoughts, I’ve got two SEN young teens which is a struggle in itself and my DP left me last Friday because he couldn’t cope with the teens. I have completely broken, so badly that my mum has come to stay with me for a while. I’ve wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, I can’t see any happiness in my future etc.
Today is my 3rd day on anti depressants, I saw the crisis team yesterday who were able to refer me to talking therapy.

I just wanted you to know you’re not alone in how you’re feeling, I’d seriously reconsider the anti depressants, you don’t need to be on them forever and they’ve not made me zombie like at all - I’m on Fluoxetine x

Can anyone advise how long anti depressants took to work. I’m really struggling today I’m at work and don’t want to be here but don’t want to go home either.

You poor thing, I think they can take a good couple of weeks to settle into your system.

Have you got anyone you can speak to tonight to support you?

I am so sorry you feel this way and as you can see you are not alone and definitely not a monster. I too have felt this way recently.
You need support, someone who knows and can understand how you are feeling. I want to leave too and sometimes I think my family will be better off. I have been to dr's several times with my worries, first time was 9 years ago when my husband cheated on me - I was in tears for weeks and not eating ( at least I lost weight lol) they gave me nothing, then about 5 years after that my friends desserted me - cue bout of depression again cried every night for months on end and I went to the drs ( also cos I had gained a shitload of weight) Dr said here take these herbal lavender tabs and Run more... no one freaking understands - then I went online to find a councellor/ Psych and did an initial test - PTSD - so I know the source and now can get help..
Long story short - find someone who you feel comfortable with to tell your story, get to the source and work from there. There is a way out just believe that - it will take time but I truly believe the key is finding a true support person.

Still unable to get a GP appointment. Is it normal for depression to make all your memories sad. I’m struggling to find any past happy memories?

@MrsRAF. Depression affects every aspect of your life and you’re clearly struggling.

Can you get someone to call on your behalf? It’s clearly urgent and it may be that you’re not able to convey how urgent it is?

Finally spoke with a sympathetic GP today but they want to rule out menopause before starting medication unless I become suicidal over the next 3 weeks. I finally have admitted that I’m depressed I never had a 2nd child and it’s a regret I can’t change. I’m devastated so I need to find a way to accept that I will be a mum of 1. It’s hard when everyone you know has at least 2. Time has run out.

That must be hard but hopefully it’s a step towards you getting the help you need and finding your way through it to a better place.

Sounds like talking to someone can help, will the GP refer you to talking therapy?

I am seeing a therapist but I haven’t discussed yet. I’m just hoping he can help me come to terms with my regret. I’m currently reading up on people who have children over 40 but my partner does not want another child I feel stupid for not seeing the time slip away. I love my son but to think I’ll never experience it again makes me so sad. I still have all the things I kept for number2 and it’s heartbreaking to get rid of them but stupid to keep them.