Mums who leave their children.

[MrsRAF]

I’m suffering from major depression. My GP has referred me to therapy but the wait is so long that I’m seeing a therapist privately.
I feel so low that I could just walk out of the door leaving my only child behind.
I was talking through my depression with family but when I admitted I could leave my son people became furious with me as if I’m some kind of monster. I feel like the worst parent on the world my son deserves better.
The problem is the depression not only stops me from feeling any joy now but when I look back at my life I can’t find any happiness.
Has anyone felt similar and has any treatment worked?

I’m pleased to hear it @MrsRAF and it sounds like you’re still trying to understand where this is coming from and wanting the situation to change. Hang onto that feeling - it might not feel positive but it really is.

I’ve finally spoken with a sympathetic GP she wants to check one final thing and has recommended anti depressants. Had a session with a therapist today and he agreed that I might need them. Apparently the depression I describe is severe. I feel disappointed with myself ( yet I’ve never judged anyone who takes them ) but I’ve been depressed for nearly 3 months and feel life is on pause. Does anyone have any experience with anti depressants?

Good news. And it’s hard but you need to be as kind to yourself as you would anyone else. You are ill and you are doing what needs to be done to help you get better.

I’ve not been on a-ds so hoping this is also bumps this thread for people to share their experiences.

@MrsRAF Well done for seeking help, and for pushing for more help when you needed it. I want you to know that, even though it doesn't feel like it right now, getting help is something to be proud of.

I've been where you are. Over the last winter I was convinced that my family would be better of without me and contemplated suicide, or just walking out of the door. When I eventually summoned up the courage to go to the GP they were phenomenal but, as you found, the waiting time for taking therapy was ridiculous. So I accepted antidepressants in the mean time.

I love them. Love them, love them, love them. I feel again. They don't make me constantly happy, but now things make me smile. I laugh, when something funny happens. I find joy in DD and DH again. I know I'm lucky, but I haven't had any side affects. For the last year, my emotional scale had ranged from zombie to suicidal, but now I feel human again.

I still have tough days and am having to put a lot of work in with my therapist. (I also had to go private - a privilege, I know.) But I'm not sure how much I could have engaged with the therapy, if I hadn't taken the antidepressants first. I never wanted them - but I'm so glad I said yes to taking them.

Good luck.

Thank you for your reply. It’s nice to hear a positive review about anti depressants. My only issue is that the decision that has caused the depression can not be changed. I deeply regret not having a 2nd child. There is no way to change it now so I’m not sure if the anti depressants will work. I’m scared that I will feel like this forever.

The therapy will help with the regret if you talk honestly and openly about it.
The anti depressants won’t make the source of the depression go away it will help you manage the moods that surround it.
My partner is on sertraline for anxiety and depression he still has good and bad days, his is mainly around health anxiety and time ( he lost 6 years to a hip condition that no one was diagnosing/believing he had- when they finally found the issue he had to have 2 surgeries and his physical health has deteriorated he’s working on building himself back up now)
Don’t let your family talk you out of depressants your grandfathers experience isn’t yours and it might take some trial and error to find the medication right for you.

You are effectively grieving a child that you haven’t been able to have. Don’t deny yourself the grieving stages, I hope it gets easier for you

You may always feel sad about that decision, but like all grief, you can find a way to make it manageable, with time. So there will be days when you still feel sad about it, but there will be days when you laugh, and smile and it disappears to the back of your mind for a while.

Because you are, effectively, grieving the child you didn't have. You need too give yourself permission to do that. And I'm so sorry for that loss.

My therapy started out as CBT, but I feel similar to you. That this isn't something that is just going to be fixed and disappear. So my therapist is including a mix of Compassion Therapy -basically learning to be more compassionate towards myself -and straightforward counseling. It's slow, but it's helping.

And to be honest, if the antidepressants become a long term solution, I don't really care any more. I'm on a very low dose and they even sorry out my (previously horrendous) PMT.

I know it feels hopeless but you can get to a better place eventually.

I just have this fear that I will never get over it and be sad forever, and then I feel guilty that my son isn’t enough. I have a fear that something will happen to him like I’ve put all my eggs in one basket. I just want to cry all day I’m so disengaged from everyone. Nothing makes me happy. This makes a horrible parent.

You're not a horrible parent - you're just struggling right now ❤️xx

Hi OP,

I’ve recently started to take meds for anxiety. I’ve always resisted in the past because I felt so ashamed, but I decided to give them a go.

My family do not know. Only my DP who is supportive. It’s no ones business but your own.

If they don’t help, you stop them (carefully). If they do help? Then amazing. And most likely they will.

Because you are depressed you aren’t thinking straight - I don’t say this to undermine your feelings, because I know what you feel is very real for you. But the thoughts you are having about walking out etc are not really you.

The meds won’t take away the regret you will feel about having one child. But they will help you to manage the feelings you

Ah posted too soon.

The meds will help you deal with the feelings you have better. They will hopefully stop you feeling overwhelmed by them. And help you to engage in life again, which is so important.

My advice would be to give them a go. They take a while to kick in. Be prepared for some initial side effects. They pass though. I’m on week 4 and feel fairly normal. Most people tell me the meds properly kick in between week 6 and 12.

You sound just like I did, 4 months ago. It's the depression that's making you feel that your situation is hopeless.

You can do this. It just starts with asking for, and accepting, help. As PP said, you don't have to stay on them if they aren't right for you. There are different kinds you can try if one doesn't work. But there's a good chance that they will help.

I can really relate. Just posted a similar thread myself in fact. I would love to have another child too but I don't think I should.

I hope you're doing okay.

I’ve told my partner that I’m going try antidepressants he’s asked me to wait a little bit longer. I’ve asked how long he wants me suffer before I try them and he had no answer. I’m not sure someone who hasn’t experienced depression can understand.

Wait a bit longer for what?

Usually it's relatives encouraging their ill loved one to accept they need medication.

Honestly just try it. Some have side affects but from what you've said - I highly doubt you'll end up feeling worse.

Ffs, what does he want you to wait for?

I hate the stigma around mental health, and that it extends to treatment options. Would he tell you to arbitrarily wait a bit longer before taking pain meds if you were injured physically?

I'm sure he means well, but he's wrong. This is between you and your doctor.

Until people themselves have suffered from depression they have absolutely no idea how dreadful it is.
Not only do you feel mentally unwell, you can feel physically unwell as well. At my worst I felt like I was wading through treacle, barely able to do anything.
I take antidepressants and have done for several years, they absolutely saved my life and I will probably be on them indefinitely as my depression ones back with a vengeance if I stop taking them.
You may need to try a few before you find one that suits you, it can be trial and error, but once you have got one that works for you your life will become so much better.

Ignore people who tell you not to take them, it's not them going through depression. You will feel better I promise you, mine took about 3-4 weeks before they really kicked in but it was worth the wait.

Nah start them as soon as you can, I think people do not understand modern mental health practice and expect to be doped up.
I went on citalopram for a while and it was the boost I needed to cope.

You are going to have to change the way you think about having one child in order to start to change the way you feel about it, there are a lot of positives to having just one. I sometimes feel guilty for having two for reasons of splitting time, money, resources. Your child won't have to do any of that.
As for your partner, maybe counselling/therapy will help you to come to a decision. It doesn't sound like you can decide right now.