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Original poster

I don't know what to do.

41 replies

OnNaturesCourse · 26/09/2021 10:46

Background : MIL and I have never been on good terms, and fell out around the time my daughter was born this year. DP has a long history of a complicated relationship with his side of the family.

Now she wants to see my daughter, unsupervised. DP has agreed to it and my stomach has been in knots since. She's only seen my daughter about 3 times, and half that was not under good circumstances with raised voices which I hate my baby being around - it really had a effect on her as she'd never experienced it. MIL has previously called me everything under the sun, and I'm basically the reason her family life sucks etc etc.

This isn't about sides, I just don't know what to do about how I feel in terms of her having my baby daughter especially when we aren't on good terms.

I'm struggling with the fact she clearly has no respect for me but expects to see the kids regardless of how she treats me.

What do I do...

OP posts:
Original poster
OnNaturesCourse · 26/09/2021 10:48

I don't want this reposted on social media

OP posts:
TheChip · 26/09/2021 10:49

See how it goes. You and her might not get along, but she could have a brilliant relationship with her GC. Ask your DP if he is willing to stay with her the first couple of times to ease your concerns.

Babydust13 · 26/09/2021 10:51

Personally I would feel too uncomfortable leaving my child with her even though she's family if your child hasn't seen her very often it would be like leaving her with a stranger (I know she's not) can your husband not stay with them??

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Seeline · 26/09/2021 10:53

How old is your baby?

Original poster
OnNaturesCourse · 26/09/2021 10:56

My little one is just 7 months.

DP has offered to stay but she states she doesn't need babysat.

She has other grandkids through my BIL who adore her.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/09/2021 10:58

I wouldn't have that. If she's horrible to you then she shouldn't have unsupervised visits.

SuperSleepyBaby · 26/09/2021 10:59

I would not leave my 7 month old even if i liked the person. Other people would and that is fine if all sides including the baby are happy.

Why did your DP agree to this?

Babydust13 · 26/09/2021 11:00

@HollowTalk

I wouldn't have that. If she's horrible to you then she shouldn't have unsupervised visits.
Also this is a good point if she wanted to see her grandchildren that much she should make more of an effort with you
Seeline · 26/09/2021 11:01

I think you have the right to say no to unsupervised contact. You baby is still small and your MIL is obviously unfamiliar with her needs/routine etc. Is your baby used to not being with either parent?

If your DH is willing to supervise, and you trust him to do that despite his mother's wishes, I would go along with that.

I don't get this fixation for GPs having sole charge of grandkids. It often comes up in MN, but it's not something I came across when my DC were little 15-20 years ago.

RipleyBelieves · 26/09/2021 11:06

You don't have to leave your baby with anyone. It's completely up to you. She is your baby.

If your DH is willing to supervise, and you trust him to do that despite his mother's wishes, I would go along with that. I agree with this. Your dh can of course go and see his mother in the ordinary way with the baby. That's what people do when they go and see friends and family. They go and visit them or go out somewhere with them. Nobody is owed time on their own with your baby.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 26/09/2021 11:07

No
You need to have a decent relationship with someone who is looking after your dc unsupervised.
You need to be able to discuss her routines, her likes/dislikes, food choices and weaning, nap times ...
If she doesn't respect you and you can't talk openly with each other then I'd not be leaving my child with her and I wouldn't trust her to contact me if she had any issues.

R0tational · 26/09/2021 11:08

He needs to stay there with her. She cannot demand to have a baby unsupervised!!!! Crazy!

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/09/2021 11:11

7 months is a good age, and not too young to be with a grandparent.

I can understand your struggle. Your between a rock and a hard place.

If you say no, then that widens the rift between you and MIL and will massively hinder chances of mending fences with her.

However, if you say yes. It’s an olive branch and might help repair the rift between you two. MIL has cared successfully for her other grandchildren so that is reassuring. I think your child would be alright with her. But I understand too that MIL might take that as licence to continue to treat you poorly.

I guess, I personally would take the high road and give MIL opportunity to care for the baby one afternoon or morning (no overnights or all day yet). I would then see if she’s more kindly to you as a result. If she continues to be awful to you, then reassess and go from there.

At least if you do take high road, your DP can’t accuse you of not trying to mend things with MIL or withholding time with her grandchild out of vindictiveness. You can honestly say you’ve tried.

Notaroadrunner · 26/09/2021 11:14

Not a hope in hell she should have unsupervised time with your child given the way she treats you and your Dp should prioritise your feelings over hers. Tell him it's not happening until such a time when his mother can treat you with respect, which probably won't happen so you won't have to worry yourself about unsupervised visits. She doesn't get to demand access to your child.

Lou2284 · 26/09/2021 11:14

No way! Not at such a young age, if she wants to see your baby, she needs to start treating you with respect.

Ionlydomassiveones · 26/09/2021 11:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

RipleyBelieves · 26/09/2021 12:17

*I guess, I personally would take the high road and give MIL opportunity to care for the baby one afternoon or morning (no overnights or all day yet). I would then see if she’s more kindly to you as a result. If she continues to be awful to you, then reassess and go from there.
*
It's not up to the OP to take the high road or try to get her MIL to treat her more kindly.

OP says "MIL has previously called me everything under the sun, and I'm basically the reason her family life sucks etc et"

Why would anyone leave a seven month old baby with a woman who doesn't like them and has made that very clear in the hope that that woman will then be nicer to her?

NowEvenBetter · 26/09/2021 12:29

Tell her no. You are your child’s parent and advocater. You child will not be around anyone who slanders their mother.

Keep repeating ‘no thanks. Talk to your son. Byeeee’
‘Nope.’
‘No thanks.’

Your boyfriend needs to wise up here and inform his mother that she will not call you names, and she will not be left alone with his child, there’s no need for it anyway.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/09/2021 12:32

Not a chance in hell would I go along with this. Are you scared to say no?

If she wants to be around your baby she needs to w she can be pleasant and respectful to you first.

Raised voices? Do you mean she was shouting at you in front of your baby?

Completely unacceptable.

Die on this hill. It’s important.

blacksax · 26/09/2021 12:33

No. No no no no no no no. Oh no.

Not a fucking chance.

Original poster
OnNaturesCourse · 26/09/2021 13:27

I just feel stuck in the situation

OP posts:
ManicPixie · 26/09/2021 13:42

How did you end up on such bad terms, and is it fixable?

Original poster
OnNaturesCourse · 26/09/2021 13:44

Over 10 years of a poor relationship so it's beyond fixing completely but I try to be civil

OP posts:
magictoadstool · 26/09/2021 14:00

I have a complicated relationship will all parents in my family (my own and my partner’s) and I have to say I’m hesitant to let any of them have complete alone time with my baby as I know how quickly a few words and actions can have an effect on tiny people. My question is this: if you open this floodgate and let her look after the baby alone and something doesn’t feel right and you want it to stop, how much of a horrible situation will arise out of that? Would it he easier to set a boundary of supervised time together and deal with that fallout than to eventually have to cut her off and have that awful conversation?

Original poster
OnNaturesCourse · 26/09/2021 14:48

I understand that as my eldest used to have a relationship with her (my MIL) but it was cut after a fall out some time ago... When I decided I no longer wanted to be in contact so DP had to arrange visits etc, and never did. Now my eldest is at a age where she picks where she goes so less of a problem.

OP posts:
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