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Original poster

I don't know what to do.

41 replies

OnNaturesCourse · 26/09/2021 10:46

Background : MIL and I have never been on good terms, and fell out around the time my daughter was born this year. DP has a long history of a complicated relationship with his side of the family.

Now she wants to see my daughter, unsupervised. DP has agreed to it and my stomach has been in knots since. She's only seen my daughter about 3 times, and half that was not under good circumstances with raised voices which I hate my baby being around - it really had a effect on her as she'd never experienced it. MIL has previously called me everything under the sun, and I'm basically the reason her family life sucks etc etc.

This isn't about sides, I just don't know what to do about how I feel in terms of her having my baby daughter especially when we aren't on good terms.

I'm struggling with the fact she clearly has no respect for me but expects to see the kids regardless of how she treats me.

What do I do...

OP posts:
InnPain · 26/09/2021 15:21

It’s your baby so don’t feel pressured, you don’t have to hand the baby over if you don’t want to. If you want DP to supervise then you must state this clearly and firmly to him that unless he does then MIL can’t have the baby.

NowEvenBetter · 26/09/2021 15:30

You’re not stuck, you’re entirely in control of the situation. Step up, and get your boyfriend to, ffs.

heywassuphello · 26/09/2021 20:40

You don't need to agree to it. If you say no then it can't happen, simple as that. If people fall out with you then fine but that's that. It doesn't matter who they are, if you don't give permission for your daughter to be looked after by someone then it doesn't happen, and if it does it's kidnap 😂

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Original poster
OnNaturesCourse · 26/09/2021 22:30

Yes but her Dad has a say too

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 26/09/2021 22:37

Hell would freeze over before I let anyone demand unsupervised contact with my kids, especially not a baby. Just say no.

NowEvenBetter · 26/09/2021 22:58

Her dad should not be allowing his child to be alone with a person she doesn’t know, who has behaved disgracefully towards the child’s mother. Obviously.

Original poster
OnNaturesCourse · 27/09/2021 01:51

I have said no, and it's not gone over too well... But DP is going to accompany LO to visit MIL instead of just abandoning her with a complete stranger.

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 27/09/2021 11:22

You make it ‘not go over too well’ every time you are undermined or disrespected by these people. Come on, get assertive, you have a kid to advocate for.

Beamur · 27/09/2021 11:27

Nope. Your baby your choice.
I think it would be really upsetting to leave her with people she doesn't know. DH should visit with the baby.
I really don't get this unsupervised nonsense. You want to see the baby or not?

TheChip · 27/09/2021 11:34

Its good that your dp is going to go with lo.

I dont get how and why so many people are completely dismissing the fact that the baby is also the dp's. He also has a say. The other child enjoys time with the GPs, and OP has already stated that the other grandkids enjoy being with them. I didnt like my sons grandmother. She said some nasty shit to me, but she was a fantastic grandmother. Id hate to have denied their relationship because of issues between us.

I hope you feel better knowing your dp is going to be there too.

ncmcr · 27/09/2021 11:39

Op. This is ridiculous.

You are a mother you have to advocate for yourself and for your child. Your husband doesn't get to overrule your wishes.

He stays with them or she doesn't go at all. End of discussion.

Original poster
OnNaturesCourse · 27/09/2021 12:32

@TheChip this is what I mean, it's still his mother at the end of the day.

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 27/09/2021 13:26

Yes, and so he will tell his mother that she will not behave like that about you, again. And she will need to apologise.
‘He wouldn’t do that, wehhhh’
Well then, you have a boyfriend problem.

Justilou1 · 27/09/2021 13:37

Don’t set up a “regular” visitation in case you and DP break up. This will set an access/visitation precedence. Personally, I wouldn’t allow it. Grandparents aren’t automatically owed unsupervised access.

Original poster
OnNaturesCourse · 27/09/2021 14:19

I can assure you I don't have a boyfriend problem, just a mother in law one.

There was previously pretty regular contact with my eldest but that's done now.

I've basically said he can arrange visits, and it'll be visits where he goes too as until she can respect me I won't be speaking with her.

DP works funny and long shifts and patterns so it's gonna be difficult for him (that's why I always "dealt" with his mother previously) so I doubt I'll have to worry about these visits too frequently, and then my daughter will soon get to the age where she can say yes or no to going.

OP posts:
DownWhichOfLate · 27/09/2021 16:37

A baby isn’t a toy or accessory to be loaned out. What happened with your older child and how old is she?

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