Jealous of my antenatal friends

[DuggyDog]

I’ve become close with 2 lovely women from my antenatal group. We message most days and see each other when work allows. We have DC the same age (~15 months).

I’m just struggling though. My DS is a really difficult character. Has been since birth. He’s very serious and often very grumpy and his natural state seems to be crying and fussing over something/anything. The littlest things set him off and he’s been tantruming for months. He glares and screams at anyone who dares look at him other then me/DH. We went through all the possibilities when he was younger (reflux/allergies etc) and we are pretty sure he’s just very high maintenance. Sleeps and eats very well, we are lucky in that sense.

Their children are just delightful. Smiling and giggling and just generally enjoying life. They have their moments obviously - but it’s just that, moments. My DS is permanently hard work. They love parenting where as it is definitely something I’m just surviving.

I feel so jealous of them and I want to distance myself even though I really like them and enjoy their company. This is my problem, not theirs or their DC’s. I know that comparison is the thief of joy but it’s so hard when you feel so downtrodden.

How do I get past this?

I understand this, my eldest DC (now 23 years) was a really grumpy and unhappy baby. He became much easier when he could walk and now is the easiest, sunniest most positive person. Try not to feel hard done by and make sure you have time for you and as much rest as you can get.
Babies change constantly and your son might become much easier very soon while your friends DC become trickier.
Try and share your feelings and if they're good friends then they will support you - just as you can support them when they have tough times 💐

You need to focus on the positives and stop comparing your life to others who you perceive to be in a better/easier position. Your friends are probably wishing their toddlers slept and ate. You could also compare your life to people who are in a much worse situation - this may sound flippant but you like in the U.K. rather me than Afghanistan, your are in a partnership rather than a single Mum fleeing domestic violence, you have a healthy 15 months old rather than an ill child.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Enjoy your lovely baby.

@Pissinthepottyplease

You need to focus on the positives and stop comparing your life to others who you perceive to be in a better/easier position. Your friends are probably wishing their toddlers slept and ate. You could also compare your life to people who are in a much worse situation - this may sound flippant but you like in the U.K. rather me than Afghanistan, your are in a partnership rather than a single Mum fleeing domestic violence, you have a healthy 15 months old rather than an ill child.

This is incredibly hurtful. Of course I’m aware others have it far tougher. That doesn’t invalidate my experience. Should we check we have it worse in the world before we dare to have negative emotions? I’m struggling with my situation and I’m not sorry about that.

My DS was a difficult baby. Very whingy and clingy. He improved loads after I sent him to nursery a few days a week, I think the socialisation did him wonders. Now that he's walking he's even happier! I'm loving my days off work with him, instead of just surviving them until bedtime

I understand - DC1 was premature, behind in milestones and a very clingy grumpy baby. I dreaded meetups with my antenatal friends because their babies / toddlers were smiley and rushed off to play while my misery guts clung to me and grizzled.

Things change - DC1 is now 6 and is mostly a happy independent kid, while the same kids have different challenges - one has terrible anxiety, another is being assessed for possible ASD as struggles with any change in situation, another does a lot of hitting when frustrated.

At my hardest moments hearing about my friends' wonderful babies / toddlers, I used to privately think "bet they will be a horrible preschooler / teenager". Not that I wished ill for my friends but kids change all the time and what is a happy one now will be challenging at a different stage. Plus, you don't know what they are like at home. I get lots of compliments on how cute DC2 is but they are prone to screaming tantrums at home and is much more challenging in some ways than their sibling.

Try to find the positives and grit your teeth. Things will change and it does get easier, I promise

I had a similar dynamiv with a friend when our DCs were the same age. They are now 17- her laid back easygoing girl, stuggles to find motivation to study, can't stand up to her borderline abuse boyfriend and is a cause of endless worry and angst for her parents.

My high needs boy is incredibly motivated, very clear on his ambitions and is quite picky when it comes to girls.

Swings and roundabouts....

If you feel it would benefit you to cut contact them, then do so. I used to be friends with someone who had a child the same age as mine, she used to assume everything was fine with me because DS was a laid back baby and toddler, but that's just one aspect of my life. I was grappling with a million other things and to be honest although I tried to support the best I could, it was hard going listening constantly to how much hard work her child was and how good my life must be as mine slept.

They do just change so much. I had a high needs baby. She hated it if I didn’t constantly speak to her, so I could never eg go for a walk with another mum with her in the lr because she’d scream unless I talked to her. She’s nearly 4 now and is still quite difficult (emotional, still likes a lot of attention), but she’s highly intelligent, has a fantastic sense of humour, and i can understand her behaviour as a baby much more now that I know her better. Babies are just little people - they’re all different, and everything is a phase!

*with her in the pram

Can you get past this in other areas of life or is this something that you often experience? It would be a shame to only surround yourself with people having a tougher life deliberately...and very draining!

Honestly - if they’re nice women and they’re friends, talk to them about it. As others have said, babies and small children change constantly. My first child was a difficult baby but a dream toddler; my second an easy baby but a total threenager. My friend whose DD was a tantrum monster now has the meekest, quietest 10 year old you can imagine.

Thanks all. No, fundamentally I do not want to lose these women and I’m glad they rejoice in their DC. My feelings are my problem and I need to change my mindset. I keep trying to tell myself it’ll get better, but it’s been a really tough 15 months. I hope he isn’t miserable forever!

I think most of us have been there.

Many of my friends successfully breastfed and I couldn't.

My DS slept like a dream while many of theirs didn't.

My DS had a slight language delay, and i remember walking round a lake with a dear friend and her boy (born days apart) and I swear while my son pointed and grunted, her son was calling "look at the cygnets mother - aren't they divine!" I mean he wasn't, but his "car, duck, water, sun" felt like it at the time.

Mine is currently an unsociable git, who eyes every other child with suspicion, and every other child I see seems to be making friends. It's frustrating! But definitely not worth losing friends over. Talk to them. Share your frustrations and remind yourself that it won't last forever

@Pissinthepottyplease

You need to focus on the positives and stop comparing your life to others who you perceive to be in a better/easier position. Your friends are probably wishing their toddlers slept and ate. You could also compare your life to people who are in a much worse situation - this may sound flippant but you like in the U.K. rather me than Afghanistan, your are in a partnership rather than a single Mum fleeing domestic violence, you have a healthy 15 months old rather than an ill child.

This is such a shortsighted post. OP, please disregard it

@sar302 this gave me the laugh I needed 🦢😂

Sympathies, OP — I remember wondering whether my DS was a different species to the babies of the rest of my NCT group, as they napped easily wherever they were and sat quietly in their mothers’ arms if awake, while mine roared and wriggled and only slept in certain specific circumstances.

Don’t compare OP my lovely easy baby is now a moody tween and my grumpy clingy baby became a ray of sunshine! It’s all a phase.

Ah, I know the feeling. That feeling of having a difficult baby and feeling zero joy. Actually, negative joy (without being depressed) and you know it's because your baby is a miserable one.

I had one sunny, delightful baby. I also had one just like yours.

The sunny baby is now 16 and isn't so sunny ( I mean, he's a wonder, but he's 6"2, and will not be bribed by buttons or quavers.) The miserable one is 9 and is a complete joy!

It will pass, things will change. And these are the women you could be moaning to about your sullen teenager who got blind drunk in the park, one day. Stick it out.

@Pissinthepottyplease

You need to focus on the positives and stop comparing your life to others who you perceive to be in a better/easier position. Your friends are probably wishing their toddlers slept and ate. You could also compare your life to people who are in a much worse situation - this may sound flippant but you like in the U.K. rather me than Afghanistan, your are in a partnership rather than a single Mum fleeing domestic violence, you have a healthy 15 months old rather than an ill child.

What an unhelpful post - telling OP she shouldn't have thoughts or feelings because someone somewhere in the world has it worse. My goodness what a minimising comment.

I’m not saying she shouldn’t have these feeling. The OP asked how to deal with jealously. @MrsToadflax I notice that you haven’t suggested anything at all for the OP.

It’s definitely true that the grass isn’t always greener - my baby is a really chilled, smiley character but he is a shocking sleeper. I’m sure other people think he’s a dream, but they’re not dealing with the endless night wakings.

That doesn’t mean you’re wrong to find things hard - it really does sound tricky for you. But I think it can be comforting to realise that almost everyone finds it really hard and struggles with different aspects of parenting.

@Pissinthepottyplease other posters gave the same advice I was going to post, so I saw no point in repeating- not that I should have to explain myself to you.

My son is 3 and I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around him. The slightest thing could set him off. A few days ago I was out with him, he was screaming and crying and I ended up bursting into tears and hyperventilating and a lovely stranger had to take us home in their car (they had kids, so I felt semi-safe, but I had genuinely no other option). This is not the first time that has ever happened.

I have a 14mo who is the same, it's bloody exhausting isn't it.

I don't know if it helps but my daughter who is coming up 3 was, is, on the surface the happiest, funniest most well behaved child you'll ever meet. My friends tell me how envious they are, when we're out she's very polite and well behaved. At home though it's totally different, she tantrums multiple times a day, won't eat much if anything and has only just started sleeping through.... sometimes and constantly screams that she only wants daddy and I'm not her mummy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is not that others have it worse, just that it's easy to compare with what you see and the reality can be quite different (in our case extreme!). I hope things look up for you soon, it is hard work xx