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Parenting

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Original poster

Why don't my consequences work?

68 replies

Jennibell · 25/09/2021 08:27

Honestly I'm at my wit's end. My 8yo DS is obsessed with TV and gaming (like a lot of kids), but recently I will go into his room at night (10ish) and he will have turned his TV back on and will be watching something or playing a game! After catching him he will receive a pushinment of no TV or games for a week (or something similar). It's really hard for him and he seems like he understands and is learning from it but as soon as the week is up he repeats the same behaviour! I don't want to have to resort to taking his TV away because I feel like that will just fix the behaviour but not the underlying problem. Please, any advice would be welcome!!

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BertieBotts · 25/09/2021 11:12

If the punishment isn't working then either it's not a big enough deterrent (I don't think this is the case for the OP) or the expectation is too much for your child at that moment.

It's likely just too easy for him to use these things after hours. If his room is isolated in the electric fusebox I'd turn the whole room off.

Otherwise move the TV out of the room so it's easier to control. For consoles it's easy, just take the controller at night if there are no parental controls on it.

Have a watch of this (click through to youtube, it's a playlist), if it chimes you might like the author's book Raising Human Beings:

Elieza · 25/09/2021 11:18

More exercise during the day. No long lies or napping even at weekends. Keep to a routine. Especially important during the first three days of your new regime to get into a pattern and be tired at night time not ‘bored’.

I think a punishment for a whole week at a time is too long. It needs to be a daily reward system. It’s more tangible.

He earns his privileges/gaming time by doing his chores and going to bed on time and doing what he should in there (which will be easier after the tv is removed).

Once earned this allows him whatever amount of game time, (to be finished by at least an hour before bedtime to allow unwinding and blue light clearance), or whatever you see fit. Make it stuff he likes, perhaps that he doesn’t often get, like game time plus time at the distant skate park he loves or swimming pool or whatever so half of it’s fun stuff he likes that keeps him fit. No point in offering fit outsidey stuff if he doesn’t like it though.

00100001 · 25/09/2021 11:40

WeAllHaveWings

It's not really excessive...I meant to stop them being able to read, replace it each day... Same as turning off a router, removing remotes, taking power leads etc

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00100001 · 25/09/2021 11:41

@WeAllHaveWings 👆

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 25/09/2021 11:42

@Jennibell

Thing is, before he had a TV I had the same problem with him reading his books and playing with his toys. I worry if I take away the TV the behaviour will just transfer to something else.

I feel like reading books is a totally different issue to playing computer games! It's not really an issue for me if a child puts their light back on and reads because they can't sleep. However putting a TV or console on is going to actively stop them from sleeping. Take the controllers and remotes away at bedtime. He isn't old enough to self regulate. You're expecting too much.

WeAllHaveWings · 25/09/2021 12:05

@00100001

WeAllHaveWings

It's not really excessive...I meant to stop them being able to read, replace it each day... Same as turning off a router, removing remotes, taking power leads etc

For an 8 year old child, taking a light bulb is very very different to taking a controller.

Take a controller, the only thing they can't do is play their game. Take a light bulb and they lie in the dark knowing they don't have access to light if they need it for any reason. Very different.

00100001 · 25/09/2021 13:17

Well, you can give them a nightlight...

Honestly, how many 8yo lie there worrying about whether they can turn a light on or not??

00100001 · 25/09/2021 13:18

And if your child really gets that stressed, then fine, don't do it.
Or replace the bulb when they're asleep...

horseymum · 25/09/2021 13:42

Fresh air and daylight to help regulate body clock, enough exercise to tire them out. I did see in some article the 'army sleep method'. Never heard it called that but basically it's what I told my kids, eyes closed, tense and relax each set of muscles in body. Turns out my youngest didn't think closing your eyes and calming your breathing really helped as she'd never really tried it as she always slept really well. Reading before bed is often really relaxing, can you read to him for a bit too?

WheelieBinPrincess · 25/09/2021 13:50

Lots of 8 year olds are more than robust enough not to fret and lie there terrified that they can’t turn the big light on, thankfully.

A nightlight for comfort but not light enough to read with works fine.

Bloose · 25/09/2021 13:52

@Jennibell

Very simple - 8 year olds shouldn’t have TVs in their bedroom!

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 25/09/2021 14:22

The reason they don't work is because his frontal lobes, the boys that deal with things like impulse control and delayed gratification haven't developed properly yet and are unlikely to for a while.

So you need to remove things from his room, tv, electronics, toys etc. Check in on him 30 minutes after lights out and if he's still reading, take the book as well.

magictoadstool · 26/09/2021 14:24

When I was this age I was very scared about mortality etc. and had convinced myself I couldn’t tell anyone about it, so I would lie awake at night and try and do -anything- to distract myself. It might he worth seeing if something else is going on. I also have adhd (but no one knew at the time) and it’s just one of those things that adhd brains work better a little later! If it’s neither of those things then I’d suggest getting a battery powered red lamp for him to read by, as it won’t effect his melatonin levels or give him any blue light to keep him awake. That way of you want to you can safely turn the electricity off without him being without a light.

johnd2 · 26/09/2021 15:00

He is telling you through his actions and words that he can't sleep, so be very careful about punishments, or trying to control him to follow your rules through made up consequences. The consequences of staying up late gaming are Simply that you will be tired in the morning.
Try to enter problem solving mode together, ask him what would help him to sleep, ask him what activity would be like to do to wind down, just try to show him that you are on his side. And add your own ideas too alongside his. Then find a solution that you are both happy with.
You never know, he may have an idea better than you do, and if it's his idea is more likely to work.
This will be great preparation for when he's a /young adult and he has to work through all this for himself.
Good luck!

LuchiMangsho · 26/09/2021 15:02

Take the TV away. Reading a book before bed even late will make him sleepy. Watching a screen will prevent him from going to sleep. He doesn’t have impulse control. Take the TV away. Take the remote away. Make it easier for him to go to sleep.

Etonmessisyum · 26/09/2021 15:06

We have no tv in rooms. No need if he can’t follow your rules then no games. He can be obsessed as he likes but if he can’t follow your rules then he doesn’t get to game.

Gaming, iPad etc is a reward in this house. So nothing is taken away. It’s rewarded for good and kind/nice behaviour. It’s on a timer and it is always stopped when I say. Consistency is key. And it’s made a huge difference. There is NO shouting. Low and firm, they look at me when I speak to them and they know I mean what I say. It’s hard work. There is one of me and 4 of them so you need to be on the ball. But I err on the side of positivity rather than telling of and taking away. The difference in behaviour and attitude has been astounding and nice as we are all much happier.

Etonmessisyum · 26/09/2021 15:10

Also my youngest is on melatonin - asd and screens before bed are a massive no no.
Calm bedtime routine, story, guided meditation or audio book. He can choose. His room also has lots of low lighting and a clock so he knows bedtime etc it glows and he’s got star light on roof. It’s lovely when he’s got it all on. He sleeps better and gets up in a morning much better

Peaplant20 · 26/09/2021 20:47

I really don’t think you should take the book away unless really necessary as in he reads for hours? Reading is so joyous for children I’m sure we all have memories of reading under the covers with a torch on! But obviously all children are different - how long would he read for if you let him? I’m sure as a child I only managed a few pages and it would send me to sleep but that might not be the case for your DS. Reading is so good for them it seems sad to have to take a book away. But can totally get that maybe some children would stay up for hours reading and obviously sleep is important.

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